Season 2, Episode 12 - Down And Out (Of District) In Beverly Hills: I DON'T CARE.

(Almost a three-month hiatus? Not too shabby.  I seriously don't even know what happened, you guys.  Wait.  No.  That's a lie.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea happened.  And every time I would sit down to write, I would think of at least 17 ¾ other things that I would rather be doing.  And then I would do them.  And then I would take a nap or three.  And then I would come back to my desk and attempt to write again and the whole vicious cycle would start all over.  So, here is what I was able to begrudgingly scrape together over the last few months.  Apologies in advance.)

In which who cares?  I mean, it's an episode surrounding AHHHHHHHHHHHNndrea And Her Plight.  And by "her plight" I of course mean "her non-plight that no one gives three corroded dick shafts about, wherein she's a goblin and basically compares her un-problem to her grandmother's escape from a Nazi regime." If you haven't already sprinted away in the opposite direction following that intro, then you're a hopeless masochist with horrible judgment and I pity you, I really do.  I pity you.

We open in the courtyard/quad-whatever of West Bev.  This oddly daunting synth music plays in the background.

Inside the hallway, Kelly stares directly into the camera, so you know that the camera is supposed to represent someone's vantage point.  And we know whose vantage point when Kelly says, "AHHHHHHHHNdrea," all concerned.  And once you hear that the camera represents AHHHHHHHHNdrea, and that this episode will most likely revolve around her, you will swiftly mash the OFF button on your clicker, pick up a book or perhaps dig the empty Cinnamon Toast Crunch box out of the garbage can to read, or turn your chair towards a blank wall and give it a good, long, open-mouthed gape for a couple of hours or do anything else at all just so you don't have to endure a plot surrounding a character no one cares about or even likes in the slightest.

As AHHHHHHHHNdrea continues down the hall, everyone, including Steve and his heinous shirt and corkscrew mullet, gawk in AHHHHHHHHNdrea's direction all horrified.  Which is not really any different than how people usually react to AHHHHHHHNdrea's presence, so I don't quite see what the big deal is here.

When David sees AHHHHHHHHNdrea coming, he looks all befuddled and drops his books, and, given that she's SPOILER ALERT naked, probably pops a teensy Woodrow.

Finally, we arrive at Brandon.  Oh, goody.  He's all, "AHHHHHHNdrea?"

We then get our first shot of a (presumably) topless AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  That's far too much of Gabrielle Cateris' clavicle-into-breast region for my taste.  She asks him, "Why is everybody staring at me? I mean, what's wrong?"

And SPOILER ALERT Dream Brandon's just as much of a condescending jackass as Real Live Brandon, so he patronizingly asks, "Didn't you forget somethin'?"

AHHHHHHNdrea looks down and realizes her nakedness as Dream Steve and Dream David do a pretty accurate impression of how Real Live Steve and Real Live David would react under the same circumstances (i.e. like leering pervs).  And then the school bell rings and everyone laughs and laughs...

...and then the school bell turns into an alarm clock ringing, and we cut over to AHHHHHHHHHNdrea bolting awake from what I would call a nightmare (because of Brandon) and what she would probably call a wet dream (because of Brandon) all sweaty and disheveled and presumably sporting a pup tent in her nether sector.  And no, I don't know what that means, either.

Also: AHHHHHHHHNdrea's room in The Valley Hovel Of Zuckerman appears to be just as dowdy and frumptastic as its inhabitant.

Next we have this shot of a bus on the freeway, undoubtedly carrying AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and hopefully about to careen off into a ditch somewhere.  Just so that we don't have to deal with A FUCKING PLOT ABOUT AHHHHHHNDREA LIVING OUT OF THE GODDAMN WEST BEVERLY SCHOOL DISTRICT.  No? A miraculous tragic bus disaster doesn't occur here, thereby unburdening us all from having to sleep sit through this idiotic, annoying-ass story? Damn.

The bus eventually pulls up to this West Beverly Hills Transit bus stop, and AHHHHHHNdrea descends the stairs with the crotch of her jeans renting space in the top, top, penthouse-level of her cooze and giving me vicarious bacterial vaginosis.

We then see AHHHHHHNdrea walking through the school parking lot, sad sackily looking at all the Rich Kid cars and feeling all sorry for herself, as any good off-putting, over-bearing nuisance would do.  I guess given the fact that AHHHHHHNdrea is 41 and still has to take the bus, and all of these kids who are like, 25 years younger than her but have fancy BMWs, etc. is pretty depressing.

Inside, AHHHHHHHHNdrea, wearing, no shit, the shirt I bought my 94-year-old grandma for Christmas from Sears, enters The Blaze office...

...and encounters Brandon flirting with Zack Morris.  No.  He's flirting with Emily.  And of course AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has to wear her psychotic yet drab heart on her Rose Nylund-for-Appleseed's sleeve and act all obviously butt-hurt over Brandon and Emily's budding romance/soon-to-be drug-infused abomination.  Also: this still here looks like one of those '80s teen romance book covers.

Brandon then ditches Emily, probably because he knows that AHHHHHHHHNdrea will most likely slit her wrists and bleed out all over the mimeograph machine if he doesn't acknowledge her presence within 3.3 seconds of her entering a room.  He hurries over and, long, incredibly dull story short, he entered an "exposé" (OH PLEASE) that she wrote, "The Underbelly of Cafeteria Cuisine," (I SAID, OH PLEEEEEEEEEEASE) in some writing contest for the Times.  The Los Angeles Times? Who knows, it's never explained.

In Typical AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Fashion, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea freaks and thinks people care about her Living Outside Of The District and asks, "Do you realize that I can be expelled if somebody finds out I Live Outside Of The District?" Wait, are you trying to tell me that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea lives outside of the district? WHAT??? Brandon does not do as I would do and explain to her that no one would give a herpes sore-speckled poop-chute if she was asked to leave the school, and that there'd actually probably be a week-long celebration akin to Mardi Gras if it happened, but merely reassures her, "Whoa, whoa, AHHHHHNdrea, gimme some credit here, okay? I used your grandmother's address." And then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea gets all creamy in the groin and asks, "So you, uh, you really liked my article, huh?" Whatever.

Fade to the Peach Pit.  Inside, Gwendolyn Pierce sits at the counter, awaiting the tedious B-story she's a part of for this episode.  Brandon comes up and offers her one of Worthless Nat's dandruff-sprinkled Blue Plate Specials, but Gwendolyn declines, saying, "No, thanks, I'm just waiting for somebody."

Steve comes up at that moment to get change for the jukebox, so you know he's the one who's going to fall in love with Gwendolyn and then she's going to grift him and then he's going to figure out that she's grifting him and then he'll for some reason grow some integrity and dump her ass and then attempt, once more, to move his most-likely mullet-coated penis into Kelly's genital area.

Worthless Nat arrives and Gwendolyn asks, "Are you sure there's no messages?" Worthless Nat then gets to deliver his worthless one-liner for the episode: "My darlin', nobody has called asking for a beautiful lady named Gwendolyn, and that nobody oughta have his head examined." Nat's kind of a verbal predator, no? Like, every new girl he meets can't just enjoy a fucking Mega Burger in peace and quiet; they have to deal with whatever bullshit oral creepiness the proprietor of the Peach Pit is serving up as well.  Gwendolyn, in a desperate attempt to extricate herself from Worthless Nat's worthless leering, informs him, "Well, I'm gonna give him one more song, and that's it."

Sadly for Gwendolyn, her swift escape from Worthless Nat's disturbing verbal clutches leads her to Steve and his silk-blend shirt mutation with cartoon cars on it.

As well as the downy, sheep-like mutation sitting atop his head.  We find out that Gwendolyn goes to North Culver High (ew) and when she discovers he goes to West Bev, she further inflates his unworthy-of-being-inflated ego with, "That's where all the cool people go." I think what we're supposed to gather from all of this is that Gwendolyn Pierce is blind.  And deaf, because she doesn't run away screaming and simultaneously vomiting blood, even after Steve responds to her "cool people" remark with, "Well, hey, if you've got it, flaunt it, right?" Anyway, Steve wants to get some strange that night, so he offers to drive her home.  Gwendolyn's going to buy Steve dinner as a thank you for the ride, but then she conveniently remembers that she never misses a rerun of Hartley House so she's got to get home.  And then everyone on Earth except for Steve realizes that this girl is a very obvious scammer, seeing as no one is willingly giving Steve a blow job.  No one.

Immediate cut to a television screen with Hartley House emblazoned across it.

And then over to Steve's bed, where the two sit and Gwendolyn goes on an on about being shocked that Samantha SAUNders is his mom, and all the while HORK, and by "HORK," I of course mean, "Steve smears his probably-overly-wet lips all over her face and neck."

So then my eyes begin to hemorrhage as the kissing continues and Steve WHISPERS FOR FUCK'S SAKE, "You're so pretty."

Gwendolyn says that she never does this type of thing (meaning, I guess, that she never does a dude who so repulses her), but that, "Somehow I feel like I know you have a lot of money and that you're desperate because LOOK IN THE MIRROR and super-gullible  already." And then this twangy guitar chord starts up in the background, like this is some great love story we're watching here, and not the large intestine-decimating waking night terror it actually is.  Which is made all the more apparent when Steve slowly lays down and takes Gwendolyn Pierce along for the ride.

West Bev.  Brandon walks down the outside corridor whatever and checks his watch like he's late for an important meeting or something.  AHHHHHHNdrea, like any stalker worth their salt, and having undoubtedly been tailing him for the last 10 minutes or so, rushes up and frantically says, "Brandon, I need to talk to you for a second."

Almost immediately, Mrs. Teasley comes up to congratulate AHHHHHHHHNdrea.  It seems the her article about fucking cafeteria food won the mysterious Times competition.  And that some "district public relations" (???) dude, Mr. Kramer, will be going to AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's grandma's house (where he thinks she lives) later that afternoon to do an interview with her and her grandmother for some newsletter that the upscale news agency Times puts out.  Mr. Kramer is also apparently a real renaissance man because he'll be taking pictures to accompany the article as well.

True to form, after Mrs. T. walks away, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has a SOOOOOPER-MEGA-DORK meltdown re: her grandmother being interviewed and NO ONE IN ALL THE UNIVERSES CARING.  Or whatever.

Over to AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's grandmother's predictably drab apartment building, which, from the looks of it, is probably actually located in Beverly Hills Adjacent.

Inside, hey! It's Cece Bloom's mom Leona, a.k.a. Lainie Kazan.  Who really doesn't seem old enough to be playing anyone's grandmother, and not just because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is clearly 45.  And just in case we weren't aware, the writers have Leona enter her apartment with an, "Oy!" Oh, those zany Jews!

Whatever, Leona calls Brandon "Brockton" and I fall a little bit in love with her.  And then they all talk about groceries.  Seriously.  And AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea attempts to explain her little non-drama but! there's a knock at the door! RUH ROH IT'S PUBLICIST/WRITER/PHOTOG MR. KRAMER!

Oh, but it's not.  It's a bunch of Old Ladies, come to play Kalooki with Leona.  What, no Mahjong or Dreidel???

I don't care about any of this, other than to inform you that Leona calls Brandon "Bramford" in introducing him to her friends.  And she refers to him as AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's boyfriend, which probably caused AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to die just a little bit more on the inside, so that was nice.

AHHHHHHHNdrea is finally able to pull Leona aside to tell her about the contest she won and about Mr. Kramer's imminent arrival.  And that she wants Leona to lie on her behalf about AHHHHHHHHNdrea living in her cramped, ugly apartment.

Leona is not pleased with the prospect of having her pants on fire and tells AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea that she won't lie for her and if AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea gets expelled from school, no one will care.  Which is what I've been trying to tell AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea for like, ever.

Cut to: Mr. Kramer: oily, simpering, wormy.  He tells AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "You have very...what shall I say...mature taste." Perhaps that's because she's 45, guy.

AHHHHHHNdrea, whose dress might not be bad on anyone else, asks, "Why, because I like porcelain and silver? Classics never go out of style." MY GOD THIS IS BORING AS SHIT.

Brandon, who went a little heavy on the Blush And Bashful bronzer stick, agrees with me.

As Kramer goes to take his leave with Brandon, Leona decides to slather on a thick layer of bitch: "You know what you should put in your profile? That AHHHHHHNdrea is a pleasure to be around, not like some kids.  In fact on most days, you wouldn't even think a teenager lived here."

And then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea decides now would be a perfect time to desecrate the memory of 9 million Jews: "Aren't you on my side? I don't like lying, either, but sometimes the ends justify the means; this is one of those times.  When you were my age, you assumed a different identity."

Rather than backhanding AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and promptly yanking off her busted Mama's Family wig and throwing it in Shitty AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's shitty AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea face, Leona instead decides to annihilate her granddaughter with words: "Oh, my sweetheart, when I was your age, it was a matter of survival.  It was a question of life and death.  I was trying to avoid a gas chamber, not trying to sneak into some school district.  What you're suggesting is insignificant in comparison, and don't you ever say otherwise." Again, a couple of ringing backhands would've bookended that sentiment perfectly, but whatever.

But of course, much like Brandon, AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea MUST have the last word, even after being completely verbally (and rightfully) obliterated by Leona: "I'm sorry, you may think it's insignificant, but it's my life." Way to miss the point entirely, you fucking gremlin.  Moving on.

Peach Pit.  Inside, Gwendolyn Pierce is losing her mind and proclaiming, "Three, two, one, tah-dah! It has been one week to the very second since I first met you!" Oh, pleeeeeeeeease.

Steve, Steve SAUNders Special'ed up to INFINITY asks, "What'd you get me for our anniversary?"

Sadly for all of us, what Gwendolyn got Steve is more of this revulsion.  I don't know how much more me and my gastric lining can take.

This certainly helps nothing.

We quickly find out that Kelly feels the same way I do, as we cut over to her and Donna observing Steve and his trashy new clip artist girlfriend.  Kelly's all, "That girl gets on my nerves.  She's got no class.  Steve can do better than that." Well, she had me until that last part anyway.  Donna jokingly suggests, "So why don't you go tell him?"

Back over to this mess.  Steve bought Gwendolyn R.E.M. tickets for all the salad tossing she provided him with the week before.

She creams herself again and starts humping his leg right in the middle of the Peach Pit.  Steve subsequently pops seven Woodrows.

Kelly has the same reaction I do, though I don't know if hers was followed by uncontrollable diarrhea like me.  Per this facial expression here, it was.

West Bev, next whatever.  Dylan asks Brandon to go dune-buggying with him the following weekend.  Nobody gives a damn.  Steve can't go because of his R.E.M. date with Gwendolyn.  Again, no one gives a damn.

They wind up at Kelly's locker, where she serves up this amazing Bitch Face and the following advice for Steve in regards to Gwendolyn Pierce: "All I'm gonna say is you get what you pay for."  She stalks off and Brandon determines that Kelly isn't actually concerned about her friend Steve's well being, but rather, is merely a hater-harpie-viper because she has a vagina between her legs and says, "It's amazing how a little competition stirs the pangs of jealousy in a woman." 

Steve, yet again, prompts the question, "Why is anyone friends with this guy?" when he says, "No, no, no.  She's not jealous, she's just a snob.  She thinks that anyone who can't afford to shop on Rodeo Drive is a lower life-form.  It's not like Gwendolyn lives in The Valley or anything." I mean, it's kind of true, because the Valley's gross*, but still.

(*I would like to make clear that I actually like parts of the Valley, like Burbank and Studio City.  But Van Nuys, where AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's supposed to live? Grodsky.  That is, unless I have any readers who reside there.  In that case, Van Nuys is my bag!)

Sad Synth Music starts up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHndrea gets all Sad Sacky and we're supposed to feel badly for her but totally don't.

It's only when David appears and starts talking to her that I truly feel any pain she might be experiencing.  He tells AHHHHHHHHHNdrea that Mrs. Teasley wants to see her in her office.

Cut to Mrs. Teasley's office.  Mrs. T. reads some note she received from Jack Of All Trades Mr. Kramer: "'And since I have grave doubts as to whether Ms. Zuckerman actually lives with her grandmother, I cannot in good conscience complete the profile as assigned.'" Fuck, you guys.  I so don't care about any of this.

Not this.

Not this.

This I care about because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea cries and it's humorous.  And she also alludes to potentially killing herself or breaking her neck or whatever (while moving into her grandma's house the following weekend) so that she doesn't have to deal with her little non-dilemma that no one but her cares about (because that's a reasonable response; good thing AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea volunteers for The Rap Line - they're lucky to have such an even-keeled, non-overreacting non-lunatic doling out advice to impressionable and potentially at-risk youth) so that's a feather in my cap.

Next: we pan down to the Fox Theater in Westwood, site of the R.E.M. concert.

A stupid, tacky limo rolls up, carrying stupid, tacky Steve and his new stupid tacky girlfriend.  Gwendolyn peers out of the car window like a gaping, yokel-y pile of trash.

Steve thinks he's Stud Studley (just as Steve always thinks he's Stud Studley) and rolls past the waiting concert-goers, one of which is David, wearing his Kathy Lee Casuals' excrement-tinged lady-blazer.  David, who appears to be at the show alone given the fact he's an utter fucking drain on all persons' will to live, asks Steve why he doesn't have to wait in the line and Steve's all, "Clean livin', Dave." Or, your mommy's money and influence.  Whatever.

Nighttime.  Leona's shabby, Bev Hills Adj. apartment.

Stuff happens that no one cares about, like the audience discovering a years-long rift between Leona and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's mother.  Oh, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea brings up Nazi Germany again, because she's set her sights on the Granddaughter Of The Year - '91 award.

Back to the Fox.  We get a full-length view of Gwendolyn's trailer court princess garbage duds, as well as a taste of her trailer court grifter personality: she asks Steve why they didn't get backstage and he tells her he was unable to get passes.  Laughably, Gwendolyn's response to that is, "Couldn't you just tell them who you are?"

David catches up and I would tell Gwendolyn and Steve to RUN! RUUUUUUUUUN! but they're all a bunch of lowlife assholes, so whatever.  David reveals that he snuck backstage to meet the band, and his brief presence in their life was, I assume, R.E.M.'s inspiration for the song "Everybody Hurts" from their following album.

Steve and a pouting Gwendolyn end up back in the limo.  Steve promises to take her to a jewelry store the following week.  Nice relationship, you flock-headed dildo.

And then they have sex some more and I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

West Bev, next fucking whatever.  Extreme close-up of a very obviously middle-aged AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  Turns out she got her first late slip ever, even after having moved closer to the school.  Oh, the hilarity!

Steve, Donna and Kelly show up and the guys talk about Steve's limo intercourse.  Because they apparently want to make themselves and all of their friends violently ill for the rest of the day.  Some double dinner date between Dylan/Brenda and Steve/Gwendolyn is discussed.  Because, again, they they want to make themselves and all their friends violently ill for the rest of the day?  I guess.

Kelly has Pugs on a shirt she must've picked up at one of those lavish Rodeo Drive boutiques Steve was talking about earlier.  She and I are on the same page and she basically projectile fecal-vomits at thought of Steve and Gwendolyn touching their down-low wet parts together once more.  Steve then does everyone a favor and leaves and Kelly asks the others, "Am I the only one who can see what a phony Gwendolyn is?" Yes, but Steve is also a phony so they're perfect for each other! Or not.  I don't know anything anymore, given that this fucking recap is now over 2 months in the making.  And it's not even going to be worth the wait because a) it sucks; b) this episode really sucks; and c) I can't fucking take this anymore.

Especially when AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has to make everything All About Her and pull all of these really obvious and dramatic facial expressions and body movements so that the attention is placed back on her and her little non-crisis.  Brandon tells her everything's going to work out, but since AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is Merriam-Webster's precise definition of "drag," she proceeds to go on and on about how living with her grandmother is a hardship akin to say, oh, I don't know, running for your life from Nazis who would love nothing more than to extinguish your entire population.  I mean, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's a regular fucking Anne Frank.

It gets mind-bendingly worse when Donna innocently asks, "Is this school really worth all the hassle?" and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea launches into a wretchy, soap boxy lecture series on how "you people have no idea how good you have it," and "you think every place is like this; you buy new clothes every weekend, you have CD players in your cars..." What a shrew.

Luckily Dylan and Brenda are there to throw the hag some judgmental and thoroughly unimpressed side-eye, but it doesn't last long because it's then decided the girls are going to help AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea makeover her grandmother's living room to resemble a space that a 41-year-old-parading-as-a-16-year-old would actually live in.  Whatever.

What follows is horrible.  A sped up montage of the girls redecorating Leona's living room, set to some asinine silent movie music from the '20s or something.

I mean, MY GOD.

And of course no teenager's room would be complete without a Neville Brothers poster - which was either pilfered from Brandon's wall or Prints Plus was giving them away for free, seeing as who the fuck buys a Neville Brothers poster?

My thoughts exactly, Leona.

Kelly places a picture of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her mother, whom AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea appears to be the same age as, on a shelf with, "Finishing touch, a family photo." Leona makes a nasty face and walks away, probably because she just realized that her daughter-in-law has the same shitty fashion sense as her granddaughter.  AHHHHHHNdrea snatches the picture and is actually self-aware for a moment when she says, "It's not a very good picture."  And then there's this really awkward silence because no one really likes AHHHHHHHHHNdrea or wants to be hanging out with her.

Next: a pointless scene that's supposed to make us care, wherein AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea tells Leona she wishes she would come over to her parents' house more often, and Leona says she doesn't want to talk about it.  Riveting.

To the H.O.W. and into the kitchen, where Dylan's chopping something and Brenda's nauseatingly going on and on about how Steve has proven himself to be so sweet and attentive and protective while with Gwendolyn and Dylan makes the same face and hand gestures I do whenever someone compliments Steve on this show and he tells her, "Just don't get any ideas, okay? 'Cause you're taken."

And then they kiss and are adorable and Brenda has redeemed herself following her glorification of the walking poofed-out mullet that is Steve SAUNders.

Steve and Gwendolyn enter and she gripes about how long the dinner is taking and that, "I thought we were going out tonight, not doing all the drudge work ourselves.  I mean, I could do that at home," even though the piece of trash hasn't done anything all night except maybe let Steve tea bag her in the living room.  Dylan sends the girls away, telling them that he and Steve will whip up some hors d'oeuvres ("hors d'oeuvres" in my high school days meant Totino's Pizza Rolls...and they continue to mean that 20 years later; which is to say this is totally fucking unrealistic) and Gwendolyn says to Brenda, "Hey, let's go look at your clothes,"...

...and Brenda's finally starting to catch on to Gwendolyn's seemingly unscrupulous, Culver City-bred ways.

Up to Brenda's room and Gwendolyn pawing at Brenda's clothes and accessories, because that's not spooky or concerning in the slightest.

They end up talking about Steve taking Gwendolyn jewelry shopping for diamond earrings, and Gwendolyn wanting to spend spring break being blinded by Steve's radish-hued non-sweatered sweater puppies in Hawaii.  Brenda's all, "You know, you really haven't known Steve that long," which Gwendolyn bypasses, instead opting to spout out more delusional tripe: "You know who Steve reminds me of? Richard Gere in the movie Pretty Woman." Also: let me point out that for once, I was not the one to bring up Pretty Woman.  Just wanted to make that clear.

Brenda, sickened beyond belief, mostly due to the Steve/Richard Gere-in-Pretty Woman comparison (I mean, AS.  IF.), asks if that means Gwendolyn's Julia Roberts (also a heinous analogy) and the budding call girl responds with, "Why not?" Brenda informs her, "Because she was a prostitute."  Gwendolyn's all, what's the big? and tells Brenda, "Yeah, but she looked great, don't you think?" Brenda rounds on Gwendolyn and willingly admits says, "Steve is my friend.  And I really don't appreciate the way that you're treating him...you're using him," to which Gwendolyn replies, "We're using each other."

Cue Steve walking into the room, all clueless and outfitted in a shirt that signals the downfall of mankind.  He informs the gals, "Your crudite awaits." Brenda, having seen Steve's shirt and hair, tells him, "I've lost my appetite." Gwendolyn, having also seen Steve's shirt and hair, but willing to look past them for a pair of diamond earrings, follows suit and says, "So have I.  Come on, Steve, let's go."

Stooge Steve is obviously blinded by Gwendolyn's low-classy, white trashy, slack-jawed cooter, so he can't see the Olympic swimming pool-sized red flags that fall out of her mouth every time it opens and tells Brenda, "Some friend you are.  The first girl to mean anything to me in over a year and you go and blow her off?...you better get used to her, 'cause I'm gonna see a lot more of her for a long time.  I'll bet Kelly put ya up to this." No one cares that much about you and your sad little tea towel, dude.  And then he leaves and we all hope we never see him again.

Leona's apartment.  AHHHHHHHNdrea's on the phone with her age-twin mother.

If you'll recall (even though you totally don't because who fucking cares) Leona doesn't like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's mom, so she passive-aggressively starts vacuuming so that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea can't hear and eventually has to get off the call.

They argue in the kitchen and from the very bottom of my cold, black, deadened heart, CAN WE PLEASE STOP WITH THIS BORING AS FUCK DRECK?

And then AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea leaves and we all hope we never see her again.

Especially Leona.  Those are tears of joy and relief, if you're wondering.  Oh, and she calls AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, her flesh and blood, "Anne-drea." Twice.  Which was rad and infuriating at the same time.

So then this happens.  I can't even say anything.  I can't.  Mostly I'm attempting to numb the pain and boredom and inoperable stress-tumors that this episode has given me with alcohol and a wide array of over-the-counter crystal meth ingredients.

Brandon comes in, reads the missive, internally does a celebratory jig and asks what happened.

CHRIST.  AHHHHHHNdrea tells him, "Nothing.  I just thought I'd make preparations now so that I don't have to leave in disgrace or chaos." See my comments above re: boredom, stress-tumors and crank-infused moonshine chasers.  One thing, though: I forgot AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is Richard Fucking Nixon and facing impeachment following the Watergate scandal.  Rather than Nixon's infamous helicopter farewell, I would imagine AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's will involve turning around on the steps of the 704 bus headed to The Val and sad-sackily waving goodbye as her rat's ass Ogilvy perm billows in the breeze.

Brandon then has a monumental lapse in judgment and offers to have his stalker AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea live at the Walsh house, which she miraculously declines.  And then she talks about how she had just started to feel like one of The Gang, even though we all know the truth, i.e. you are wholly mistaken, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

Steve pokes his fluff head in the door at that moment and asks to speak with Brandon outside.

Wearing his Indiana Jones Adventure ride uniform, Steve tells Brandon about the previous evening and the verbal sparring between Brenda and Gwendolyn.  He confesses that he now thinks Brenda's right and that Gwendolyn's "obsessed with money." Nothin' gets past this guy.

Steve says that he wants, "someone who likes me for who I am," and, I hate to be the one to break it to him (no I don't), but that's not going to happen for a while.  And it will only truly happen once he's with wonderful Janet who has the charm and power to make Steve likable-by-association.  Anyway, Steve says he's going to find out if Gwendolyn actually likes him or if she's just in it for the horrifying limousine ass-to-mouth antics (I'm assuming) which get her jewelry and VIP tickets to early-90s alternative rock band concerts.

Quick cut to a jewelry store somewhere and Steve is making Gwendolyn guess what he bought her.  She peruses the display cases, saying, "Well, it's not the engagement rings - not yet, anyway," BARF, "and it's not the sapphire necklace, although I wouldn't mind that either.  Oh, I wouldn't mind the pearls, but that's not it." She then sees the afore-alluded to diamond earrings and proclaims, "The earrings, right there!"

Steve tells her no, the salesman walks up and hands Steve a box, which Steve gives to her.  She opens it to find...

...some simple silver bracelet with a turquoise pendant thing is inside...

...which fails to meet her trailer park fancy, I guess.  She tells him, "It's nice but it's not that special." Steve says that he thought it would be special because it came from him, and Gwendolyn sees her gravy train slowly slipping away and asks Steve not to get mad and that, "I was just being honest."

Steve, whose shirt here looks less "Indiana Jones," and more "faux-suede blouse from the 25%-off clearance rack at Jones New York," then nails Gwendolyn to the wall with, "I know.  Like the way you were honest that first day in the Peach Pit about not knowing who my mom was, right?" She asks him how he knew that and he gives her the uber-clichéd line of, "I didn't until right now." Oooooo, burn.  Except not.  Because this story line is a complete waste of life.  He bids Gwendolyn adieu and tells her, "Have a nice life."

To the Pit.  Steve sad sacks in, asks for a "double," and wonders if Brandon can get off of work a couple of hours early.  Brandon, who incessantly makes it seem as if he puts in an 80-hour work week in a coal mine on top of school, says, "I'm only in for a couple of hours, I gotta help AHHHHHHNdrea move back home."

Steve then Sad Sackily looks over at this Sad Sack, who's Sad Sackily looking at the jukebox selection.

He goes over to her, and their equally hideous pants talk about being Sad Sacks.  And why AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea likes Steve.  And that she thinks he's "kinda cute." And him (astoundingly!) apologizing for his dig about The Valley the other day.  And him lying and telling her, "You can't go back there.  We need ya here, AHHHHHHNdrea.  You're our inspiration.  How many girls are there you can enjoy looking at and also look up to?" And me gagging and bringing back up a day's worth of semi-digested food into my mouth.

And then, because Steve, he says, "So you think I'm cute, huh? You never told me that before." Maybe he could've assumed it from when this fucking nightmare happened, but whatever.  He makes this face and asks her, "You think I'm sexy?" because he probably thinks she'll give him some going-away poon or something.  Like, he actually thinks that's going to happen.  Because as I said above, STEVE.

AHHHHHHHHNdrea, however, laughs and laughs at the prospect and Steve has no other option than to laugh right along with her, through the tears and the poorly-coiffed-and-attired sexual frustration.

Brandon comes up and....whatever.  Moving on.

Back at Leona's, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea walks in to find...

...her grandmother and Investigator Lady sitting in the living room, drinking tea.  Investigator Lady tells AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "I'm glad we could get to meet in person.  I feel I know you already from reading your editorials in the newspaper.  They're outstanding," because Investigator Lady doesn't get out of the house much.  She tells Leona goodbye and, "I'll see you in three weeks," which will be a follow-up visit to determine if AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is actually living where she says she's living, which I somehow doubt anyone will remember or care about in another three weeks, given that no one gives a damn about it now.

As Investigator Lady leaves she turns and advises AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "Be sure to stay on this side of the hill, okay?"

Leona and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea hug and everything has worked out.  And Leona has apparently forgotten all about how AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea devalued her experiences in The Holocaust.  No big!

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea then forces Leona to call AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's mother, who's probably just as much of a rag as AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  The end.

Only not.  Over to the Peach Pit and this cake.  Which was supposed to be AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's "Sayonara, Bitch," cake but now isn't.  And Worthless Nat sets it down on the table and says that he baked it with, "my own little hands." And all I can envision now is this, so no thank you.

Everyone has to pretend that they're really happy AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's staying, when they're actually all super-bummed that this would've been the last night they felt obligated to hang out with her.

After Kelly's phony embrace of AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, she looks over and sees this eyesore sitting at the counter, just waiting for someone to notice him and take pity on him and give him some kind of "buck up, little camper," pep talk.

Sadly, Kelly does just that.  Steve classily attempts to gift the bracelet he bought for Gwendolyn to Kelly, who denies it.  And then they decide to go see a movie, and Steve undoubtedly thinks Kelly's going to fellate him during the coming attractions.

They walk out like a couple of rude, albino assholes without saying goodbye to their friends, and Steve has his arm around Kelly because, again, he automatically assumes a movie invite from her means oral.

The others look after them with a mixture of amusement and horror (only the latter applies to me, in case you were wondering) and then they all request one of the frosting roses with their cake.  Nice fucking way to end an episode.

Hit me back here next time for "Halloween." Just like "Slumber Party," "Halloween" was my jam when I was little.  And also just like "Slumber Party," "Halloween" serves up yet another disturbing Kelly Gets Date Raped story arc.  (The takeaway here is that I was one creepy little 11 year-old.) On a brighter note, it also provides us with one of the most boss fashion moments in television history, in addition to kicking off a trifecta of classic BH, 90210 episodes: Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon blows his abdominal aorta off and in the process becomes plain, old Poor Dead Scott Scanlon! Emily roofies Brandon's drink with U4EA and he unfortunately doesn't die from an MDMA overdose! Emily makes Brandon a possibly-drug-laced baked good and then comes this close to fulfilling her life's goal of becoming a not-so-stealth Homecoming float arsonist! The excitement is just too much to bear, yo.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google