Season 2; Episode 11 - Leading From The Heart: You Will Probably Think A Lot Less Of People In Wheelchairs After Watching This Episode. I Know I Do.

In which we meet Brenda and Brandon's cousin from Minnesota, Bobby Wheelchair.  The reason he's in a wheelchair? Brandon.  Also, Bobby Wheelchair's a male Walsh, so he's kind of a douche.  And has the eyes of sexual assaulter.  And looks at Kelly like he's going to make Kelly-skin lampshades in the near-future.  And gets mad at Kelly for ever having gone on a date before he came to town.  And I really don't like the guy, if you couldn't already tell.  And I guess: read on.

While a sweet ghee-tar lick plays in the background, we open on this palm tree...

...and then fade down to the front entrance of West Bev...

...where our friend with his neon-and-black backpack makes the exact same trek up the steps as always.  Dude likes a routine, apparently.

We also get a shot of these dowdy (presumed) teacher-ladies and their Ross Dress for Less discount rack duds.

More Sweet Ghee-tar music plays as we see this mushroom-headed band loser.  Who actually looks more hip and "with it" than AHHHHHHNdrea.

Inside to the hallway with Brandon coming up behind Emily (now with semi-dyed roots!) and RUN EMILY RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND SOUL!

Brandon catches up to her and asks, "Where ya been, stranger? Long time no see." Emily does not answer with the truth (that she's been avoiding Brandon like the plague because he is indeed a plague, and a smug one at that) as I would've, but rather makes some excuses about her credits not transferring from her old school and that she's been taking sophomore make-up classes.  She asks Brandon what he's been up to and he's all, "Seems like I've been spendin' all my time on The West Beverly Blaze." Does he have to clarify that it's the "West Beverly" Blaze? Does Beverly High or Pacific Palisades High or fucking El Monte High have a school paper called The Blaze? I somehow doubt it, but if so, NO ONE WOULD CARE ANYWAY.  Except for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  But who cares, because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

Unfortunately, Emily seems all impressed and tells him that she's been reading his articles and I guess like, masturbating to them or something.  Brandon says that he's in a rush to meet Brenda and that she's taking her driver's test "for the third time." Emily's all, "What's her problem, anyway?" and as I recall, it was you and your upcoming pelvic exam, bitch.  But Brandon tells her, "Parallel parking.  We practice and practice but she just doesn't get it." And then he laughs and laughs about his sister's vehicular shortcomings like a real shithead.

Over in another part of the hallway, Donna (who looks great in white) Brenda (perfect as always) and Kelly (wearing...a shirt from Jackie's coke-fiend days?) walk together as Brenda talks about being freaked out about her driving test and hitting the orange cones used for parallel parking and the horrible dream she had the night before where she had to park a semi between two "gigantic oreenge [yes, she pronounces it "oreenge" and is adorable] cones" that were filled with explosives.

They wind up at Brenda's locker and she asks the other two if they were freaked out about their driving exams and Kelly braggarts, "God no.  I passed with flying colors.  I think some people are just born to drive." Donna sets the record straight and informs Brenda, "Oh, please.  You should've seen Kelly when she first got her license.  For the first month, I felt like a crash test dummy." Kelly admits that she had a few "fender-benders" but that's how she learned.  Ah, rich kids.

Brandon then comes up behind Brenda and gets inappropriately close and touchy and asks if she's ready.  Brenda asks where Dylan is and Brandon's all, "Throwing back a Zima Gold in the parking lot," only not really, but rather, "I saw him at lunch, he said he'd meet us out front."

Brenda, Donna and Kelly have a group hug which was nice.  Something to remember later in the episode when Bobby Wheelchair is eating our souls with his dead-eyed gaze.

Cut to this sign: State of California, Department of Motor Vehicles.  And I'm not kidding you when I say that this stupid sub-plot reminded me that I have to pay my car registration renewal this month.  Beverly Hills, 90210 saves the day!

Brenda pulls into the DMV parking lot in the Mustang.

Dylan and Brandon watch from the sidelines, which is nice to see, and a good show of support to Brenda.  I like both of their shirts here okay (even though Dylan's is kind of serving up some Indian Throw Rug Realness) and Brandon's hair looks decent.  I mean, I'm not hurling or anything, so overall, good.

Brenda drives around some more, which is just as fascinating, if not more so, as when she did it in "One On One."

Into the car with Brenda and her instructor.  She asks her how she's doing and the instructor answers, "So far, so good...pull forward and parallel park between the orange posts."

Brenda's earrings are great here, by the way.  She tells the instructor, "I blow this every time."

And then this super-racist, stereotypical "ching-chong, ching-chong" music starts up and the instructor gets all wise and Mr. Myagi and advises, "With your eyes open, visualize the vehicle in the space.  Trust your hands on the wheel.  Be like a snake, slithering across the ground." I'm seriously surprised they didn't have her done up like a geisha.

And then: Brenda does it!

And these two cheer and Dylan's waist is the size of my neck, my god.

The instructor tells Brenda that she passed her test, and Brenda adorably says, "Oh, thanks!" and they hug, which could've been gross if it was, say, Steve doing the hugging, but he wasn't so it wasn't.

Nighttime, H.O.W.

Into the kitchen, where Brenda is regaling the other Walshes with her triumphant afternoon behind the wheel.  Jim, still dressed like Gordon Gekko's older, balding, less successful brother, actually seems happy for and proud of his daughter for once in his goddamn existence and sounds totally genuine when he says, "Ahh, that's great, sweetheart."  Cindy informs them that they're going to have a big dinner that Friday with all of their friends to celebrate.  I didn't get a party when I passed my driving test (which the instructor told me I "barely passed" - whatever, she was old nearly 20 years ago, so she's probably dead now, so I win), but I did manage to snag a hand-me-down Ford Mustang.  And by "Ford Mustang," I of course mean, "Ford Escort." Because, if you hadn't already figured it out, I've been a Bad Bitch since the mid-'90s.  Obviously.

So then Brenda's all, "Now, one question still remains.  Dad, since you did help Brandon buy his car, I assume we're going to share it?" Brandon, being the selfish, chafed, pus-secreting hemorrhoid we all know him to be, obnoxiously cuts in before Jim can answer, with, "Survey says...ehhhhhhhhhhh! [like he's imitating a buzzer - fuck off, Brandon] The correct answer is 'Dad did not help me buy my car, he merely helped me repair it.'" Which, seeing as the Mustang needed to have the engine completely overhauled, per what Brandon told Jim in "Pass, Not Pass" I'm venturing to say that the repairs actually cost more than what Brandon paid Mr. Tumnus for the car.  Whatever.  So the kids quibble and Brandon is an ass about it, some more, again, and all Jim does is sit there and smile, because, as previously discussed here, his children being pitted against one another really gets his no-doubt balding rocks off.

In the midst of the arguing, the phone rings and Cindy (looking nice in that shade of blue) gets up to answer it: "Bobby! What a surprise! You are? That's wonderful! Oh, well, sure, sure, of course you can."

Brenda and Brandon get all glowy once they know it's this "Bobby" on the line and Brandon continues his reign of terror as Beverly Hills' Most Enraging Wanker and SHOUTS, "Hey, yo, Bobster!" from across the room.  Brenda in turn makes the same face I just did, except that hers wasn't followed by profuse vomiting and an inflamed, tingling full-body rash.

Cindy hangs up and comes back to the table and tells them that their cousin, Bobby Wheelchair, is coming for a visit for the coming weekend and that, "He's thinking of transferring to UCLA." So then you know something must be really wrong with Bobby Wheelchair, like he's in a wheelchair or something, because the Serious Synthesizer Music comes on at that moment and Jim looks like this:

And then he cryptically asks Cindy, "Don't we need to discuss details?" and Cindy's all, "Well of course." I'm guessing Bobby Wheelchair has a lazy eye.  Or no! No! A club foot! That's it - a club foot.

To the exterior of West Bev, the next day.

Inside to the hallway, and Kelly (wearing a great oversized blazer) asking Brenda (wearing a great everything) about her cousin: "Tell me more about this college-aged cousin of yours.  Is he available?" Brenda tells Kelly that Bobby Wheelchair really isn't her type, seeing as Kelly's a superficial, shallow skank who wouldn't be caught dead with an invalid and all, but perhaps not that last bit.  So then Kelly's all, "Wait a second.  Is he that guy in the picture over the fireplace? That gorgeous stud wearing that little red bathing suit?" Who fucking talks like this, besides a forty-something, drunk divorcee who also proclaims things like, "I'm single and ready to mingle," while straightening the leopard-print bandeau top she picked up at Wet Seal? Oh, Jackie.  That's right.  Jackie would.  Anyway, Brenda warns Kelly to control herself, seeing as she's foaming at the mouth and all.


Over to Brenda and Brandon driving home and discussing their abandonment of Bobby Wheelchair and that Cindy told Brenda that he cried when they left Minnesota, which isn't a surprise seeing as the Walsh men have the propensity to be a bunch of mewling wussies, as will be demonstrated by that weak-willed sissy Brandon later in the episode.

Brandon pulls the car into the D.O.W....

...and a basketball comes flying at the car and unfortunately hits the windshield instead of smashing into Brandon's over-inflated skull.

Brandon gets out of the car all, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait a minute, what's goin' on here? Are we shootin' hoops or breakin' windshields?"

And then: the douchiest introduction to a character in a wheelchair ever in the history of television.  As Bobby Wheelchair rolls up and does that little dipshit-twirl there, he's all, "Hey, hey, hey, hey! Talk to your dad! He's the one with the height advantage.  Still can't make a decent shot...he wanted to give me an eight-point handicap and I said forget it, enough's enough," with his most brah-ridden, frat boy inflection.

Jim jogs up, not topless, seeing as I assume it was ordered and decreed by the West Beverly Homeowners Association that his Back Of Fur remain swathed in fabric at all times, both indoors and out.

As Jim runs to retrieve the ball and Brandon and Bobby Wheelchair bro-hug it out, Brenda comes up looking STUNNING.  I would like to eat that vest.

Bobby sees her and proves that the incestuousness runs far and wide in their family by saying, "Oh my god.  Brenda, you look so gorgeous."  And yes, it's true, obviously, but it's the way he says it that gets my stomach churning and my innards trying to escape out of my butthole.

So then Bobby pops his first Woodrow since his accident, as depicted here, after Brenda hugs him and I guess I can go ahead and book my one-way ticket to hell or whatever fiery, terrifying doom-pit you retire to after using the physically impaired as blog-fodder.  I assume that once I'm settled in inside my craggy cave or wherever I'll be spending the vast majority of my eternity, my punishment will consist of no alcohol, no reruns of Seinfeld, no chips and salsa as well as pictures of this creature plastered everywhere I turn:

Oh, the horror.  THE HORROR.

So then Bobby says, "She's a real woman," about Brenda and there isn't enough scalding hot water or industrial strength floor stripper to wash away the ick after hearing that, but it gets brain-bleachingly worse when he follows it up with, "I'm tellin' you, Bren, if we weren't first cousins." No one seems bothered or completely appalled by this sentiment, probably because the fact that Brandon is Brenda's brother hasn't stopped him from getting all skeevy with his sister.

So the three fucked-up kids who are a part of this fucked up family talk about some other shit and then Bobby and Brandon are going to keep playing ball and Bobby's all, "Walsh, let's see what a year of easy living has done to ya," and rolls back up the driveway and Brandon runs after him like a doofus and doesn't trip and fall and bust his face like I would've liked to have seen.

Later in the L.R.O.W., Bobby and Brandon talk about a bunch of boring crap and then Bobby asks Brandon, "So...how is the female situation?" which is just a gross way to put it, like he's talking about a girl's time of the month or something.  Brandon tells him about Emily and how they went out once and then, "things got a little weird." Just wait a few more episodes, Brandon.  "Weird" will sound like paradise after all that U4EA in Emily's system takes over her serotonin levels and she somehow decides you would make an acceptable stalking target.

Bobby advises Brandon, "Don't let weird get in the way," which Bobby would of course know, seeing at he recently came onto his cousin.  He says that he's "lookin' forward to meetin' some California ladies myself," while rubbing his hands together like a fucking deviant.  Blah blah they talk about how that's the real reason that Bobby wants to transfer to UCLA blah the Serious Synth Music starts up again as Brandon starts to say, "Ya know, Bobby...since your accident..." but of course Bobby has a lot of emotional issues related to the accident because apparently psychotherapy wasn't available in the late-'80s or if it was OF COURSE you wouldn't want to go talk to a shrink after experiencing the immense tragedy of losing the ability to walk, so Bobby cuts Brandon off (an admirable feat, nonetheless) and says that he's tired and wants to go to sleep, which he idiotically describes as "catch(ing) some Zs."

Oh, and he strips in front of Brandon, which was weird.  Why? I don't know.  I guess because this guy gives me a mad case of the ooks.

Up to Jim and Cindy's beige and boring bedroom, where they're having a beige and boring conversation about Bobby coming to live with them if he transfers to UCLA and how Cindy's glad Bobby's the paralyzed one because apparently it could've easily been Brandon.  Or something.  I'm paraphrasing.  Cindy's a lot less of a monster about it.

H.O.W. the next morning and into the kitchen, where Bobby's making breakfast.  Cindy comes in, all sorts of shocked that this cripple was able to do all of this.  Bobby's kind of an asshole about it, snarkily telling his aunt, "Little elves snuck in and helped me during the night." Oh, so Brandon helped him, I see.

Brandon and Brenda enter and everyone keeps talking about breakfast...

...including Jim who shuffles in in his Tony Soprano robe.  Seriously, everyone just keeps talking and talking about breakfast and it's really strange.  And this is coming from someone who would eat nothing but breakfast foods, and also wear them and bath in them (?) if it was socially acceptable.

Outside later, Brandon and Brenda head the Mustang to go to school.  Brandon offers to let Brenda drive.  Brenda doesn't want to.  That what this entire scene amounted to.  The end.

WBHHS: David's nasally, ear-piercing trill comes over the PA system to announce some charity something or other.

As David tells all the people in school who couldn't give a moist shit about his "radio" "show" (i.e. everyone), "Here's a little something to get your morning started right," Donna walks by and waves for some reason.  She must've hit her head the night before and suffered some kind of aneurysm and now she can't control movement in her right arm and it just flails around waving at anything and everything in its path, including low-hairlined dildos whose only purpose in life is to irritate the bejesus out of all the people.

But because not even blind girls will give David the time of day (I mean, they're still able to hear that voice) Donna waving at him gives him a major lady boner.

He grabs a pocket notebook or a compact disc or a small-size pencil eraser in order to keep his assumedly diminutive Woodrow from view and hustles up after Donna wearing Aunt Jackie from Roseanne's favorite shirt.

He decides now is the right time to ask Donna on a date, even with the disgusting, oozing, second-head-like barnacle jutting out from his lower lip: "Listen, I know it's kinda short notice, but I was wondering what you were doing tonight.  Maybe we can go see a movie or something?"

Donna looks at David and his seeping mouth goiter like I always look at them and tells them that she's going over to the Walsh house for Brenda's celebration that evening.  David, proving yet again why people hate his fucking guts, says, "Uh...well, she can come, too." Donna does not take this opportunity to run in the opposite direction and save everyone from another 8 ½ years of this mess, and when David suggests them doing something another time, she gives him hope by being all, "Yeah.  We'll see," but in that flirtatious sort-of-seductive way where you just know it's going to happen.  And not even David sending her off with a, "Ciao," can change her mind.  I, in turn, am going to quote both Steve and Kelly from the previous episode: "Donna, don't be FUCKING stupid, you ignorant slut."

Elsewhere, Kelly approaches Brenda at her locker and asks when the big celebration dinner starts later that evening.  Brenda tells her, "You know, with my cousin here I totally forgot."

Donna walks up at that moment (wearing a dress I would very much like in my closet and even with the oddish-hairdo, looking very pretty, I think) and asks, "Bren, is it all right if I bring David Silver tonight?" Kelly tactlessly (and awesomely) blurts out, "Why?" Donna says that David asked her to a movie but she THANK FUCKING GOD denied him because of the dinner.  Kelly is ALL THE THINGS and sarcastically snots, "Is this a date? Are we dating David Silver?" Usually I would tell a friend to kick rocks if they were acting this way but I'm not going to advise Kelly to do so because IT'S DAVID.  SON OF MEL.  FIN.

Brenda's all Sad Sacky (undercurrents of her and Dylan being the true soul mates of the show, I see) and tells Donna, "I don't know, it might be too many people," but we all know the real reason: BECAUSE DAVID SILVER.  So then Kelly starts her slobbering over Bobby again and Brenda lays down the truth: "There's something you should know about Bobby.  He is cute and he is over 21...but three years ago, he got in an accident, and now he's paralyzed from the waist down.  Oh, and he's also a total choad," but it was actually me who added that last part.

Kelly and Donna are all sympathetic, which gets Brenda's back up, and she goes on the defensive: "Look, he doesn't need your pity.  So if you're gonna act weird around him, just, let's call the whole thing off right now." Kelly can't believe that Brenda would assume such a thing and asks, "Why would you even think that?" Brenda tells them that Bobby Wheelchair used to date one of her friends back in Minnesota, but after the accident, the friend dumped him.  Probably not because of the accident but rather because he was constantly propositioning his cousin Brenda and being an incessant douche.  But that's just a guess.

The bell rings and we head over to The Blaze office, where AHHHHHHHNdrea (looking, facially, much better and less haggy here; I'm thinking it's the makeup or perhaps Gabrielle Cateris was just suffering from a bout of typhoid when she looked like this a couple of episodes ago) comes in, also asking about the party (which is apparently the goddamn social event of the season) and if she'd be able to catch a ride with Brandon.  Brandon tells her to ask Brenda for a ride (probably because he's sick of the puppy-dog eyes AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea shoots him the entire time whenever he drives her anywhere, or the clumps of hair he's missing afterwards that AHHHHHHHNdrea was able to stealthily chop off his head with pinking shears and preserve in a sandwich baggie before adding it to her Brandon shrine at The Valley Hovel Of Zuckerman later), even though, wouldn't Brenda be giving AHHHHHHHNdrea a ride in the Mustang, with Brandon present? Moron.  So AHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Uh, maybe I'll just take the bus." How far is the fucking school from H.O.W.? Brenda references walking to and from several times over the course of her time on the show.  I doubt it's far, but perhaps AHHHHHHNdrea's stumpy, frumpy AHHHHHHHNdrea legs can't handle it.  Or, she could just do us all a favor and take the goddamn bus back over the hill to The Valley and stay there forever.  How 'bout that?

Emily enters the office at that moment in her Chola-meets-one-half-of-Roxette (shout-out to Rach on that one, and yes, Pretty Women is also one of my favorite movies as well.  I drive by the "Rege.  Bev.  Wil." quite often and then basically quote the whole movie to myself and then text my friend Benjamin the quotes and he quotes back and then I drive myself to the nearest psych ward or cliffside road without guardrails, whatever's closest) look and says, "Hi guys, sorry I'm late."

AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, OF COURSE, gets this pus on and condescendingly asks, "Late for what? Since when do you take journalism?" Emily's all, "As of today.  I was takin' a psych class, but I was not cut out for it, so I figured I'd give the family business a shot." Emily...probably should've stayed in that psych class.

Brandon pops incalculable Woodrows because Emily's crusty forelock really titillates his Little Minnesota, and he offers to have her join him in the sports department.  So...is this journalism class, as AHHHHHHHHNdrea just referenced? Or is it The Ever-Loving Blaze? Maybe you're forced to work for The Blaze and by extension, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, if you take journalism at West Bev.  Apparently Emily finds Brandon and all of his repulsive Brandon traits worth the servitude.  Godspeed, Emily.

Whatever, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea nixes Brandon's sports-idea, seeing as If She Can't Have Him, NO ONE FUCKING CAN, so she passive-aggressively informs Emily, "What we're lacking is adequate coverage of the P.T.A., I mean, last Saturday, they had a mother-daughter bake sale, we totally blew it." I would imagine Brandon would like Emily to be blowing..........................................something of his while reporting on some away-game football bout, (RIM SHOT FOR THE CHEAP SEATS!) but it doesn't appear that that will be happening anytime soon.

Over to the D.O.W., where Bobby, Brandon, Dylan and Steve...wait.  Hold up a minute.

Yup.  Steve's shirtless.  If you don't mind, I'd like to take a moment and pour one out for my eyeballs, seeing as they started violently convulsing, shriveled up and died three times after seeing Steve's bare chest with (HORK) his underwear peeking out of the waistband of his jeans.  RIP, eyeballs.  What a horrendous way to go.  Also: it appears that Bobby has been taking some style inspiration from one Johnny Lawrence:

Indeed, sensei.

So then Kelly walks up the driveway in her shirt made of mold spores...

...and Brandon introduces her to Bobby and she OF COURSE IMMEDIATELY wants to get all up on that dick.  She's flirts, "Bobby, Brenda and Brandon.  How cute." Bobby says, "I know, it's disgusting, huh?" and yes: you blatantly hitting on your cousin is disgusting, Bobby.  Oh, that's not what you were referring to? Carry on.

Donna, AHHHHHHNdrea and Brenda walk up the driveway next, and Brenda tells the others that they're late because they had to pick up AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and it took forever because traffic.  Sooooooo...AHHHHHHHNdrea went ALLLLLLL the way home to The Valley, thereby forcing her "friends" to drive there to retrieve her and head back to Beverly Hills for the shindig? What a fucking asshole.  Brandon asks if Brenda drove and she tells him no, Donna did.  Brandon is oddly obsessed with his sister driving because he then nags, "Isn't it about time you put the pedal to the metal?" because real live people living in society talk like that, and Brenda's all, "Please leave me alone." That goes for me, too, dick.

We fade inside to the L.R.O.W. where these party animals are involved in a heated game of charades.  Kelly's up...

...and because it's her and she needs the validation of all the men in the room, she begins to strip.  Not really.  She's actually acting out The Naked Gun.

Oh, and when she does the striptease part, these pig-dogs behave like this.  Which is not surprising but still revolting all the same.

While Brenda is convinced by the others to be the next...charader? Bobby and his spooky eyes tell Kelly to sit in his lap? I don't know.

But Kelly does it and she wants to get up on that dick more than ever.  And then Bobby says in a Russian accent (because it's apparently a male Walsh tradition to bust out the Russian accent) "You are in good hands."

So this bit has nothing to do with anything, but it's amazing just the same: Brenda looks at the phrase she has to act out and is all, "Oh, I cannot believe this, who picked this? Who...who wrote this?" Steve asks, "Well, is it a T.V. show, movie or book?" and Brenda, who is all things to all people, tells him, "Steve, you better pray it's not a book." Which just made me feel like:

Bliss.

Fade again to the outside of H.O.W. and Kelly's car still parked in the driveway.

Back to the living where apparently everyone but Kelly was told to take a hike.  And Brandon and Bobby are regaling the girls with stories of their douche-days at some "Camp Kissimmee Falls."

Brenda's sick of both Brandon and Bobby, and begins to plot her escape to London in a couple of years, so she tells the others, "Guys, I hate to be a drag, but I am beat." Brandon says that he is as well, but Bobby's hoping to get another lap dance from Kelly so he tells them, "Well, go to sleep then.  I'll put myself to bed, guys."

Everyone says goodnight, including Brenda very pointedly telling Kelly, "Good night, Kelly," meaning, "Get the fuck out, trollop."

Kelly is scared of Brenda but she also needs more validation from someone with a penis, so she reluctantly stays behind.

Bobby wheels himself over to the couch and pulls himself over next to Kelly.  Smooth.  She asks, "So, uh, how long ago was it that, uh..." and kind of gestures at his useless legs, and gee, Kelly, try not to make the situation too awkward or anything.  Bobby doesn't seem to mind, and he replies, "Oh, three years, four months, some odd days.  Not that I'm counting." She asks him if there's a chance of him walking again and he says no, but that, "if the injury on my spine was any higher, I'd be quadriplegic instead of paraplegic." Kelly then snatches the title of Dumb Bitch out of Donna's hands and asks, "What's the difference?" I...seriously? Bobby, instead of pushing Kelly off the couch and telling her to get the fuck out, tells her, "Well, one, you're paralyzed from the waist down, and the other from the neck down, which means no wheelchair basketball among a lot of other things." And then they decide to go horseback riding or something.  I don't know.

GAG ME.  Then this happens.

HEAVE.  And this.

Kelly says she has to go and tells him that she'll see him tomorrow for their erotic horseback riding excursion.  Bobby pulls out a little Handicap Humor with, "I'd walk you out, but, uh..." WAKA WAKA.

Kelly walks to the door and turns back to look at Bobby all longingly.  Because I don't know why.

And then this shot of Brenda, watching all of the nonsense disapprovingly from behind the staircase banister.  I'm certain there's also probably a puddle of vomit on the stair she's sitting on, given the fact that she most likely witnessed the rank macking that just took place on her sofa as well.

The next morning.  Into Brandon's bedroom and Brenda waking her brother up with, "I feel really weird about this whole Kelly-Bobby thing." She tells him that Kelly didn't leave until after 1 a.m. and that she can be really flirtatious.  Brandon's all, "So can Bobby." I guess those silky slick moves Bobby just laid down on Kelly were supposed to be "flirtatious"? Funny, I found them to be more "awkward" and "fucking uncomfortable."

Under the observant gaze of Aaron Neville's mole, Brandon asks for the straight poop: "What are you saying, that Kelly can't really like Bobby because he's in a wheelchair?" I mean...Kelly's a vapid slag so...I don't know if Brenda's concerns are all that far-fetched.  But she doesn't really admit to anything, just simply says, "Maybe.  Look, I don't know, I guess I just wonder what his expectations are." Per future evidence, Bobby's "expectations" seem to include Kelly professing her deep and undying love of him after knowing him for a whopping 24 hours, as well as never looking at, talking to or noticing another male, both past and future, ever, ever again.  But Brandon thinks it's more innocent and less Sleeping With The Enemy than that: "Probably the same as any other guy who likes a girl: he hopes that she likes him back." Brenda agrees, saying that she's making a bigger deal out of it than it really is.

Down to the living room and Bobby on the phone, saying, "Okay, okay, no.  As long as you've got the saddle.  Okay, 1 o'clock?"

Brandon appears at the doorway and Bobby asks him, "Are we free at 1 o'clock?" Brandon says that they are and long, stupid and boring story short, Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Bobby and Kelly are going horseback riding.  Because Bobby wants Kelly to see him ride.  Because he doesn't think that she believes he can still do it...? He met Kelly a fucking half-day ago, so firstly, I don't think she gives a rip one way or the other, and secondly, what a loser.  And a scary one at that.

Brandon attempts to boost Bobby's already-overblown ego, however, saying, "What are you kiddin'? After the way you were hittin' on her last night, she probably thinks you can walk on water." That Handicap Humor is comedy gold! Bobby asks, "Too strong?" and I respond with, "Yup." Brandon then resorts to shit-talking Kelly, rather than dealing with the fact that Bobby is a needy creeper who has asininely (and frighteningly) become infatuated with Kelly after 12 hours: "Listen, Bobby, I know Kelly pretty well and I just wouldn't want you to misunderstand anything here." Bobby asks if Brandon thinks that Kelly is patronizing him, adding, "That was not a patronizing kiss I got before she left last night." Dude, she didn't lick your balls.  Calm down.  Anyhow, Brandon advises Bobby to take it slow and Bobby says that Brandon doesn't think Kelly could get serious about a guy in a wheelchair.  I mean, she probably doesn't want to get serious about you, Bobby, seeing as you're a Stage 57 clinger with the eyes of a serial rapist.

Next: we cut over to these horse stables.  Bobby's getting lifted up onto his horse, all, "Careful with the family jewels, boys." God, I hate this guy.

Once steadied, I hate him even more when he says, "Feel like I got me four legs," and then to the horse, whose name is Shane, "All right, let's see what you can do, Shane!" and then gallops off, whipping the hind quarters of the poor horse with the riding crop.  Dick.

Kelly, Brenda and Dylan are all excited for some reason, or maybe they're just hoping Bobby falls off Shane and then Shane bucks Bobby with his back legs in the upper spine, thereby, in one fell back kick, taking Bobby from paraplegic to quadriplegic.  Which will probably have to be explained to Kelly again.

So then everyone rides off leaving Brandon behind, because Brandon.  And he asks the stable guy about the horse he's going to ride, and gets all nervous to find out its name is "Spitfire." Whatever.

Over to Bobby, trotting along and thinking all of this equestrianism is getting Kelly's crotch all dewy.

Kelly, thoroughly unimpressed but maintaining a facade of enjoying this douche's company, catches up all, "Bobby, slow down!" Bobby calls her "pokey," and then they go loping off together like it's a fucking FDS commercial.  Not entirely inappropriate given who we're dealing with here.

Over to Our Beloveds.

No commentary necessary besides, "YAAAAAAAASSSSS."

And then Horseback-Kiss And Everything Else Ruiner Brandon comes up and ruins everything.

Back to this Summer's Eve Realness.  Bobby talks about the horse being his version if a seeing-eye dog (LORD) and then Kelly invites him to a party later that night where Bobby will act super-duper wacko and wreck everyone's evening and be a total encumbrance, just like most every other low-grade guest character this show's had so far.

Brandon rides up to ruin Kelly and Bobby's moment, which I'm okay with.  He rubs his asshole (seriously) and informs them that their time with the horses is almost up and then goes non-comically bounding off, and unfortunately Spitfire doesn't throw Brandon off of his back and into oncoming traffic.

House party.

Kelly holds the Mustang's passenger side door as Brandon helps Bobby into his wheelchair.

Bobby, who already seems to be a grumpy dick-stain, sees these stairs leading up to the house and says, "Damn it!"

Brandon tries for once in his goddamn life to be helpful by suggesting, "Maybe there's a back way or somethin'," but his ass of a cousin shoots that idea down with a dickish, "Then what am I supposed to do, take an elevator?"

Oh, but Our Dylan comes up to save the day by offering to carry the dead weight Bobby up the staircase...

...and Steve and his lady vest that he made following a visit to the Jo-Ann Fabric home decor textile section are called over to help with the lifting as Kelly and Brenda clear a path.

As the group ascends the stairs Bobby looks all embarrassed.  Don't worry, Bob - I'm pretty certain the feeling's mutual.

The Gang walks (and rolls?) in and Bobby pops a fucking wheelie while saying, "Now, this is Beverly Hills." Miraculously, no one grabs Bobby's wheelchair by the handles, maneuvers him outside and shoves him tires first back down the staircase after this pathetic and embarrassing display.  They must not have heard him or something.  Anyway, Kelly tells him, "Tal Weaver throws the best parties," and if there's one thing this show did right over the course of 10 years, it's that name.  That is the perfect name for some rich asshole kid.  Perfect.

So Steve scooches past to go find the Mucho Mah-velous Mango Margarita station, no doubt, and as he does so he tells Bobby, "Oh, well, Kelly used to date him, but then he moved on."  Kelly reasonably explains that she didn't date Tal, "He took me to a Sting concert.  It was no big deal." But because the accident that paralyzed Bobby's legs also apparently had an affect on his brain, as in it made him a complete mental defective, his only response is this sour...

...whatever and little prick-nod.  So Brenda and Dylan are off to dance, but not before Brenda asks Bobby if he needs anything, and then Brandon's going to get something to drink and asks if Bobby's okay, and Bobby acts like a right cock, like he's all irritated that his family members are trying to make him feel comfortable in this strange city, in this strange setting with a bunch of strangers around.  What a couple of bastards.

  

So then AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this happens.  This girl of my dreams comes along and trips over Bobby and winds up in his lap, spilling her drink all over the front of his shirt and shitty tie.

The girl is MEGA-sorry about all of it, apologizing repeatedly and asking if Bobby's okay.  Bobby, true to form, is a a piece of cat feces about it, which isn't helped by Kelly, who, after the girl walks away, says, "I cannot believe her." It's not like she did it on purpose! And she was genuinely remorseful - what more should she have done, kissed his limp, deadened feet? Fuck off, all of you!

So then this other hippie-dippy, burnout-type/rocker-whatever couple approaches and this guy's been in EVERYTHING and he'll actually reappear on this show again in Season 8 (non-fondly known as part of The Cesspool Years) as the anti-semitic lead singer of a band called Cain Was Able (YUP) that David kind-of-sort-of manages.  MY GOD, right? Anyhow, the guy sees Bobby and barrels ahead asking, "What happened to you, man?"

Bobby actually has an amazing comeback, which almost made me like him for a quick second, but then I looked into his eyes and I saw Satan and Lord Voldemort, so never mind: "Nothing.  I'm just real lazy."

The burnouts walk away and Bobby's all, "The total IQ in this place must be less than a hundred.  I'm tellin' you Kelly, I'm so glad I'm outta high school." Everyone in high school is also glad you're out of high school, guy.  But besides that, Kelly looks great in that dress.

Though I'm not as certain about her shoes.  Or Bobby's shoes.  Or Bobby's pants.  Or Bobby's concerning personality traits.  He rolls up to this step that heads down to the living room or wherever, where a bunch of people are dancing horribly.

Up walks Fabio.

Just kidding.  It's Gabriel Macht (who hasn't aged in 20 fucking years WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Seriously, look at those pictures.  He's a vampire!) as the aforementioned Tal Weaver, wearing a terrible collarless shirt and matching Kelly-hair.  He's all, "I was wonderin' when you were gonna get here...you look roarin' to go, let's dance." Instead of answering Tal, Kelly introduces him to Bobby and Tal (somewhat indelicately) asks, "How'd you get up those steps?" Bobby says that it wasn't easy, and then continues to act an asshole when Tal, trying to be the gracious, luscious-locked host that he is, asks if he's okay or needs anything.  Bobby requests a beer and Tal surfily informs him, "Sorry, bud, no alcohol.  Last time we had beer we ran into some problems and, uh, my parents are pretty intense about that," and then turning to Kelly again, "So, you wanna dance?"

Kelly keeps hesitating, but after being granted Bobby's permission, she goes to dance with Tal.  And here's how Bobby and the murderous glint in his eyes react as she walks away.

Oh, and she also asks Bobby if he'll hold her purse (and his testicles) while she dances.  Which was kind of a dick move, which is why I loved it.

Kelly and Tal dance really horribly amongst all of the other people at the party dancing really horribly.

Meanwhile, Bobby's a bitch some more.

Steve and his vest that signifies the end of civilization come up, and he comments on all of the "serious talent" at the party.  How many hotel room drapes and sofas do you think were slain in the making of Steve's hideous Mom Vest? All of them? Yeah, that's what I think, too.  Bobby requests that Steve go find Brandon so that he, Bobby, can make a scene and be rushed out of the party and whatever.

Kelly's finished her dance with Tal, although he continues to sex her up with his eyes and lustrous mane as she walks away.

She approaches Bobby, unaware of the heaping mound of guilt and shittiness wrapped in creepy bow that's about to be laid in her lap.  Although the first thing Bobby says after she returns isn't any of those things; it's gospel: "Guess I'm not a fun person to go to a party with." Kelly's all, "NOPE, you're not, and contrary to what you believe, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're in a wheelchair." And by "Kelly's all," I of course mean, "Me.  I said it." Bobby continues to bait her by passive-aggressively adding, "I can't do much but sit here...unless I get drunk and start doin' wheelies." Uh, you didn't need any liquor to pop that wheelie a few minutes ago, dork.

So now I'll just lay out what Bobby says next on a platter, because it's chock full of delusions and assumptions and ooky eye contact and I'd really rather not dissect it piece-by-squirmy-piece: "Listen, Kelly, it was really great meeting you and everything.  And there's probably a lotta things I haven't told you.  Like how incredibly sexy I think you are, and how I love the way your body moves when ya dance.  So I'm just gonna say it all right now, so you can say, 'Gee, Bobby, I really think you're nice and I really like spending time with you and all, but, I just don't like you in that way.' So let's just save ourselves the grief, Kelly, 'cause I know how these things work out.  I'm talking about two weeks from now or six months from now.  A few more parties like this, and when the novelty wears off and you wanna dance with your boyfriend." In conclusion, what I have to say is, RUN KELLY RUUUUUUUuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUN.

Thanks be to ZEUS Brandon walks up at that moment to save Kelly from another bizarre tirade from this dude she MET A DAY AGO.  A DAY.  LET THAT SINK IN.  A.  DAY.  Slow your roll, there, Bobby Wheelchair.  (Get it??? DO YOU GET IT??? ROLL? BECAUSE HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR???) Bobby's pants burst into flames because he lies and tells Brandon he's not feeling well and demands to be taken back to the House Of Walsh.  What a fun house guest he's turned out to be!

As Bobby wheels himself away, hopefully over the edge of some unseen infinity pool in Tal's foyer, Steve says, "Nice work, Kel." NICE VEST, STEVE, YOU FUCKING MONSTROSITY.

Kelly looks at Steve like I always look at Steve, but says nothing.

Back outside, Steve, Dylan and Brandon hoist (and sadly, don't drop) Bobby back down the staircase.

Inside the House Of Tal, Kelly just stands there, scrunching up her teeny mouth and looking on the verge of tears.  If I were her, I think I would've said, "Fuck all y'all," and then peaced out.  This kind of reaction might've been why I didn't have very many friends in high school.  But whatever.  Brenda comes up behind Kelly and accusingly asks, "What did you do?"

Kelly explains that somebody spilled a drink on Bobby, and then she went to dance with Tal and when she came back to Bobby, "It's like he flipped out." No, it's not "like" he flipped out.  He flipped the fuck out.  Brenda acts like Brandon (i.e. like a prig) and doesn't listen to anything Kelly's telling her and continues to blame Kelly for Bobby's mood shift.  I would personally blame the traumatic brain injury Bobby must've suffered when he SPOILER ALERT Wile E. Coyote'd himself into that tree when he was skiing.  Whatever, Brenda shakes her head and walks away and Kelly keeps standing there, perhaps hoping that Tal and his silken tresses will ask her for another dance.

Back to H.O.W. and the L.R.O.W.  To warn you, this scene is loooooooooong.  And all I really care about getting to is Brandon softly weeping.  So let's rock this thing and scurry to the part we all came here for.  SO: Bobby doesn't blame Kelly for what happened that night, she did nothing wrong; he just realized he's a real asshole and not fun to be around because he can't like, do The Dougie at house parties or some shit.

Brandon eventually brings up the skiing accident and it's revealed that Brandon pushed Bobby off a mountain and into an ice fissure.  No.  But Brandon did point out some jump and dared Bobby to take it and it was all very Aspen Extreme until Bobby slammed into a tree and lost the ability to walk and probably all bathroom functionality.  Way to go, Brandon.  Whatever, it doesn't matter, because now we get to watch Brandon Cries Like A Bitch:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

...and AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And then Brandon doesn't want to deal with his burdensome cousin and his annoying paralysis anymore so he says good night...

... but not before whimpering some more and making these ridiculous Bro-heim Gestures and telling Bobby, "Just remember one thing: I love you, man, I really do."

And then Bobby cries some more, too, because he's also a little bitch.

The next morning in the kitchen, Bobby's making breakfast again.  The doorbell rings...

...and he wheels himself to the front door, without first washing his hands, so now there's salmonella all over his tires and the doorknob of the F.D.O.W.  Rude!

He opens the door to find Kelly, and I hate Jennie Garth because she basically looks amazing in any color.  Bobby invites her in, but only if she can retrieve the juicer for him.  Maybe I'd like Bobby Wheelchair more if he wasn't so goddamn needy.

Luckily, for once on this fucking show, a girl besides Brenda stands up for herself, in the form of Kelly calling Bobby out on his bullshit.  She tells him, "That was pretty unfair of you last night." Bobby hops on the Woe Is Me Express, headed towards Sad Sackville, and mopily responds, "I don't know.  The way I see it, somebody's gonna be unfair eventually." Unfair, as in sticking a broom handle in between the spokes of your wheels as you descend a steep hill?

Kelly says, "We were having fun together.  I like you," and Bobby's all, "As a friend, right?" No, as an enemy, you stooge.  Which is basically what Kelly tells him: "Of course as a friend.  What's wrong with that?" Bobby says that he's got enough friends, which I somehow doubt but whatever.  Thank Lucifer, Kelly lays into the jackass: "Why are you putting all of these expectations on me? I've only known you for two days, what am I supposed to do, throw myself at you? Why don't you just lighten up? I mean, it sounds to me like any girl who likes you has to make a lifelong commitment to you.  And I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to do that.  Not after our first date." SING IT, SISTER.

But of course, Bobby and his Hitler Youth Realness can't just agree that they're weird-eyed freaks, so Bobby asks, "Somewhere along the line, you must've asked yourself...I mean, if you could, you know, see yourself with somebody in a wheelchair." Kelly says that she did give it some thought, but because Bobby gives handicap people such a bad name, she's decided she doesn't ever want to deal with another physically disabled person again.  But really, Bobby asks her what she came up with, and she says, "That it wasn't something I could figure out in my head, like I usually try to do.  And that's why what you did last night, not even giving me the benefit of the doubt, made me so mad." And then we get the following cringingly clunky line which does my favorite thing: painfully invokes the title of the episode when she adds,  "I wasn't thinking about all that stuff; I guess I was just being lead by the the heart." Oh, puke.

So they both kind of chuckle and then that lazy-ass Bobby asks her to get the goddamn juice.

For some reason, the kitchen door was conveniently closed, and at that moment there's a knock and then Brandon and Brenda come in.  Bobby asks, "Were you guys standin' at the door?" and instead of saying, "No.  We along with everyone else in the universe have tired of this story line," Brenda says, "No! We just got here, we swear!"

And then these two walk in, all surprised that Kelly's present and that their cripple of a nephew was able to make breakfast again.  Jim's all, "Well, all I know is, Bobby, if you're planning to make breakfast every morning, you're gonna be a welcome addition to this house." Bobby asks what the fuck Jim's talking about, and Jim says, "Well, you know, if you decide to go to UCLA."

Bobby informs the family that has bent over backwards for his ass all weekend long, "No offense, but if I do go to UCLA, I'm not gonna be staying here.  I'm gonna live in a dorm, or live in my own apartment.  That's one of the main reasons why I wanted to transfer out here is to get out on my own." Because he apparently can't do that in Minnesota.  Whatever.

So then Brandon asks what Bobby wants to do for the day before he heads to the airport, and Bobby makes this stupid face and says, "I gotta great idea"...

...which was I guess getting Brenda behind the wheel again? Gee, how thrilling.

Cindy and Brenda stand awkwardly in the yard and wave goodbye to Bobby, who they'll never see again.

Back in the car, Kelly gives Bobby her phone number for when he doesn't eventually move out to L.A.  And then he looks at her like this and you just know this guy's personal adage is, "I will NOT be ignored," while punching a mirror and breathing really heavily.

And then some wacky Backing Out Of The Driveway High Jinks ensue, with Brenda almost killing the car load of them...

...and then once they're on their way, Bobby shouting, "Wagon ho!" thereby making me happy that he apparently rolled himself into the welcoming blades of a large-size industrial wood chipper, seeing as We Never See Him Again...in this form, anyway.  We will see the actor, Gordon Currie, 4 seasons from now, tackling the role of a coked-up, grease-soaked sewer rodent:

Who also happens to provide Kelly with her fix of the sweet Lady Caine.

See you next time (or not, as I wouldn't blame any of you if something suddenly came up or you had to wash and set your dog's hair or you decided to start taking electric slide dance classes or if you'd rather be doing anything else at all in the entire fucking macrocosm) for an episode that really shouldn't have been made to begin with, "Down And Out (Of District) In Beverly Hills," wherein something something AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea something out-of-district whose-its something NO ONE CARES because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  So, see you when I see you, which will most likely be when "Halloween" goes up.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google, bh90210.fanfusion,org