Part 2 of Season 2, Episode 27: Mexican Standoff - I Mexican't stand where this is headed.

Catch up on Part one here.

Over to the Office Building of Taylor-Soon-To-Be-Taylor/Silver-But-Not-For-Long-Because-Of-Mel’s-Wandering-Peen-So-Don’t-Worry.

Inside, everyone discusses the wedding, and I’m going to have to side with Kelly here and say I am so over all of this.  Until the actual wedding in the next episode, that is, just to see all of the lewks (I’m so, so sorry) being served up.  Also, why are the children so involved with the planning of this thing? I realize David is the Best Man (and I use that term very loosely and only in the context of his role in the ceremony) but were wedding planners not a thing in the ‘90s?

Over in the corner, Kelly bitch-reads a magazine and makes derogatory comments about the upcoming nuptials.  After Jackie calls her out, Kelly huffs out of the room, as anyone with a modicum of self-respect would do if faced with being in the vicinity of one Mel “Mental Dental” Silver for more than a few minutes.

The next whatever: Rodeo Drive, baby.  I mean, I assume.

Inside a boutique’s GLORIOUSLY tacky changing room, Brenda, Donna and Kelly finish up trying on their bridesmaid dresses.  Brenda gripes about the Walsh patriarch, telling the gals, “The last time I saw him like this was when Brandon was 11 years old and tried to ski off the roof.” Yeah, right.  I'll bet Jim just chucked Brandon on the chin and then talked to him about laying the wood to his future girlfriends in his childhood bedroom.  Donna then suggests the plan that will inevitably lead to Brenda and Dylan’s downfall: “You could say you're staying at Kelly's and then go to Baja anyway.” I feel like Donna as written (at least as of Season 2) wouldn’t come up with a scheme like this, which is then explained away when she says that some cousin of hers used to do it all the time.  She probably also subconsciously picked up a few tips from her philandering mother?

My apologies: a trigger warning should’ve preceded this monstrosity (Momstrosity? I’ll show myself out).

Including this shot to show you that Kelly’s dress is fantastic, as is her hair, and also give us a miniscule sneak peek of what are, in my opinion, the best bridesmaid looks to ever grace television or movie screens.  Brenda, especially, will don it with aplomb.

Jackie, looking like the interior of a Vans store projectile vomited all over her muumuu, comes waddling in to tell them that her wedding gown doesn’t fit over her ever-expanding bump that houses Mel’s DEMON spawn that’s growing in her uterus and that it’s in the process of being altered.  She needs Kelly to run home and drop off a check to Jake the Snake: “This guy is too good to lose and I'm stuck here for at least another hour.” Pray tell: how does Jackie know this? Did he audition for her by painting swatches on the house? Me thinks she liked the cut of his jib more than anything.  And maybe his biceps.  Our Jackie is no stranger to ogling seaside beefcakes a good 15+ years her junior, after all.

Jackie then asks Brenda and Donna to wait outside so that she can backhand Kelly in private after she throws yet another mini-fit about taking the check to Jake (although, make no mistake: I am still firmly Team Kelly, versus Team Anything Involving Mel): “You have been nothing but a pill ever since Mel and I announced our engagement.  [CAN YOU BLAME HER? And, in less than a year’s time, Kelly is going to look like a genius].  Now I have tried to be understanding, I really have.  I even made your friends my bridesmaids.” Yes, which was really weird and sad, Jackie.  Blah blah, nothing is resolved, Kelly pouts some more, again, FOREVER, rolls her eyes and marches out.

Here.

Jake holds his non-euphemistic hammer as Kelly enters the backyard.  Because apparently he’s not just painting, he’s full-on carpentering now? Sure!

Like AHHHHHHHHHNdrea before her, Kelly gives Jake a lusty gaze…

…which his 35-year-old self returns when he notices her and Sexy Saxophone starts up in the background.  I guess this was the episode where they brought in writers who had previously penned 1970s porn flicks, Skinemax erotica, and the non-acclaimed USA Network tentpole, Silk Stalkings.

Kelly introduces herself and then Jake spreads it on real thick with, “You must be Jackie’s sister.” With lines like these, CALL THE COPS.  Not just because she’s a minor but because Jake is now the biggest cheesedick this side of Steve’s perm.

Kelly corrects his assumption and Jake says, “One kid all grown up [keep trying to convince yourself of that, Dateline Predator] and a baby on the way.  Must be second marriage, huh?” She corrects him again with, “Fourth.  But who’s counting,” to which he teases, “ I guess you are.” Kelly’s all, “Ex-squeeze me?” because she’s so taken aback by this fully grown man’s weak-ass game? Nope, she says it flirtatiously, because Jake’s pathetic negging really seems to get her going.

Jake then flips the switch to Brooding & Misunderstood Bad Boy: “Sorry.  Didn't mean to get personal.”

Kelly tells him she’ll let him get back to work and hands him the check, and, like me, you’re probably hoping that’s where this bordering-on-squicky exchange ends, right?

Wrong. Kelly decides to add, “Ya know, it's okay…you can get personal if you want to,” and then suggestively wriggles her eyebrows and oh, brother.  I guess this is what passes for “saucy” “banter” with an old pervert around these parts.

The Only Restaurant in Los Angeles.

Here’s this scene, in summation: “I want to go to Baja.  Kelly will cover for me, but I can’t lie to my parents.” “Don’t lie, just tell your prick dad you’re coming, the end.” “My father is being so unreasonable.  He never treats Brandon like this.  He's being so sexist.  I'm really tired of it.  I'm the same age as Brandon is.  I deserve the same rights and the same privileges.” That last part is verbatim, because it’s about time SOMEONE fucking said it.  Besides me.  All the time.  Even when not writing this blog.  Mostly to cats.  Anyway, Brenda concludes, “I've made up my mind.  I'm going, whether my parents like it or not.”

Tense Synth plays us over to the HoW in the early morning light.

Inside, Brenda packs a bag in her room and Brandon, the MOST annoying weevil ever in human form, shuffles in through the Jack and Jill and condescendingly (WHAT’S NEW) asks, “Whatcha doin' Bren, runnin' away?” Brenda tells him to fuck the fuck off (only nicer) and says she’s going to Kelly’s for the weekend.  He sees through the lie and asks, “You're goin' down to Baja with Dylan, aren't you?” Well done, Nancy Drew! Next up: maybe you can help solve the mystery of why you’re constantly a patronizing jagweed.  They continue to go back and forth for several eternities and finally, finally he miraculously agrees to cover for his sister, you know, sort of like Brenda’s done for him many, many, many times before.

And then this happens and I just don’t know, you guys.  Add it to the list.  What list? Oh, the running one where we keep track of all of the unhinged incestuous Brenda/Brandon moments on the show.  I think we’re up to 157 at this point, by my count.  Had Shannen Doherty remained on the show past Season 4, I’m certain it would’ve reached infinity googolplexes by the series’ completion.

These dipshits clearly take no issue with Dylan pulling right up into the Driveway of Walsh, as if Jim and his Hulk Robe’s favorite pastime isn’t lurking around corners, readying themselves to admonish Brenda and her female reproductive organs.  PARK DOWN THE BLOCK, YOU DOOFS.

The HoW. Later in the morning.

Inside, these three discuss Brenda leaving early and Brandon spins a pretty good yarn about her and Kelly wanting to get to the flea market first thing to look for wedding presents for Jackie and Mel.  Cindy asks Jim what they should get the betrothed and I actually like Jim for a moment when he seriously suggests, “How about a crib?” That was pretty funny.  Cindy is then going to call Brenda to ask her what she and Jim should get them, like, that’s not a fucking question that could wait until Brenda’s home to ask? Because: whether she’s in Mexico or not, how idiotic.  While I hate giving Brandon credit, ever, he heads his mom off with, “I'm sure they're still at the flea market, and they said they were gonna go to the movies after that…just ask Brenda when she calls here.”

I immediately go back to despising Jim when he turns to his son and asks, “Do you think I was too hard on your sister?” WHY ARE YOU ASKING HIM.  Mystery I posed above re why Brandon is the way he is? Solved. Brandon ass-kisses, “No, you had your reasons,” but Jim thinks he maybe should’ve given Brenda another chance.  Don’t worry: you can continue hating him, as this kindness and understanding of his daughter won’t last beyond this scene.

Back here.  Jake is now building? A full fucking gazebo? for Jackie? WHAT IS GOING ON.  Anyway, Kelly approaches with a beverage, all, “I thought you might be thirsty.”

After making a big show of taking a swig from the proffered glass and "mmm-ing" and flipping his hair around, he holds this wooden whatever all suggestively and flirts, “You just gonna stand there or do you wanna make yourself helpful?”

Kelly says, ”Sure, I'll help, I guess.  What can I do?” and rather than taking my suggestion of heading over to the BHPD and filing a report about a potential statutory rapist on the loose, she does as he asks and hands him the level.  Like the rest of us, she wants to know what he’s building, to which he responds, “A wedding canopy.” Jackie designed it herself, so you KNOW it’s going to be the opposite of garish.  Just like Our Jackie - pure class and sophistication all the way:

<3

Kelly derides the fact that her mother is making such a spectacle of things, saying how she’s all big and grotesque and pregnant (while demonstrating Jackie’s size by putting her hand out from her chest? No idea) and that, “You'd think she'd want to keep it a little more low-key.” Jake, that sentimental fool (or “groomer just wanting to feign a connection with Kelly to ultimately take advantage of her”), says, “Pregnant or not, she's still the bride.  It's her big day.  Let her have some fun.”

The only fun I want to see Jackie having is being hung allllll the way over and haggardly talking on her spaceship phone.

Jake blathers on with, “Ya know, Kelly, I think I know what the problem is,” because he’s talked to her a total of two whole times: “You're a little bit hung up on the way things used to be.  Instead of making your plans for the way things are gonna be.” Profound, Prof. Hanson.

Kelly twirls herself around the beam of the chuppah and says, “Yeah, sort of like having a new father, a new brother and a new baby all at the same time.” Sort of? No, very unfortunately, it’s exactly that.   Anyway, Jake calls it, “a world full of possibilities,” and then I throw up in my hand as the Synth of Meaningfulness tootles in the background.  Has Jake met Mel or David yet? Because I feel like he’d be singing a much different tune if he had.

Stereotypical cha-cha-cha/snapping fingers/maracas-GALORE “Spanish” music plays us over to a beach, which is our heavy-handed clue that we’re now in Mexico.

Over to the employee parking lot of some studio, dressed up as a “Mexican” “village.” Which is what I actually believed until I looked it up on my go-to for all things “filming location” (Beverly Hills, 90210 and beyond), I Am Not a Stalker. Lindsay Blake is THE BEST, and she schooled me about this actually being a property in Malibu.  As always, thanks for the intel, lady.

The Speedster pulls onto a palm tree-lined dirt road and comes to a stop as Dylan says, “Ya know, Bren, I can't believe you actually went through with it,” because they apparently didn’t speak for the entirety of their four-hour drive.  He applauds her for finally standing up to her parents, but she cops to not having told them and that they think she’s staying the weekend at Kelly’s.  Again: four-ish hours? No mention of any of this? Perhaps they were preoccupied with a little Punch Buggy or the classic License Plate Game?

Brenda calls home from a payphone, which hangs from a shack that sits next to a sundial?, some trash cans, and a few nuclear waste containers, and we finally have a full-body shot of their outfits, two of my very favorite over the course of the whole show, so much so that I bought and framed the following artwork that’s now proudly displayed in my home:

I don’t believe the artist, Cherry Peel Print, is open on Etsy anymore, nor do I see their IG account any longer.  Pity, because I love this so much and they’re clearly very talented.

At the HoW, Brandon picks up the phone and fills Brenda in on the lie he told their parents about her flea market excursion.  And because Brandon is mostly a little puke, Brenda says, “Okay, okay.  Put Mom on.”

But for once in her goddamn life, Cindy doesn’t want to talk on the phone! Sound the alarms! Brandon can’t believe his ears, either, and, in disbelief, tells Brenda, “She doesn't even wanna talk to you.”

Brenda jokes that she should do this kind of thing more often, and because everyone’s a disease-brained degenerate on this show, Dylan starts to try to fuck her while she’s on the phone with her brother.

I’m so glad her little conversation with Brandon really put both of them In The Mood.

Over here, to Not La Boca Grande de Baja.

Inside to the lobby, and I’m pretty certain this is a set, and by “set” I of course mean the set of a high school stage play.  The serape flung over the plastic-looking “front desk” seems like a dead giveaway.

Dylan calls out for some “Rosalita!” who appears and warmly greets him, and he in turn introduces Brenda.  Rosalita then proceeds to throw Dylan under several buses, then a semi, then a steamroller, then off a fucking bridge: “How is that, uh, what was her name?”

Dylan, television’s original Fuckboy, shakes his head almost imperceptibly at Rosalita, attempting to silently communicate to her something along the lines of, “You shut your wet mouth.”

Rosalita fails to catch Dylan’s snaps and exclaims, “Stacy!” Girlfriend seems real pleased about dragging Dylan to filth in front of Brenda.

Brenda, however, is predictably less than thrilled: “Stacy? Who's Stacy?” Dylan provides Brenda with a vague, “Just someone I came down here with once…it was a long time ago.”

Brenda demands to know when and Dylan puts on this mien and shrugs, “Last summer.” Brenda, angrily: “We were going out last summer,” and this is where she lost me.  What the fuck summer is she talking about? While yes, Dylan probably should’ve mentioned he had brought other girls with him here during his oh-so-sordid, 17-year-old boy past, out of respect to his current girlfriend, they were not together the previous summer; Brenda was actively trying to get into the pleated pants of her deviant ‘n disgusting drama teacher while we, the viewers, guzzled Pepto and worked on our gag reflexes.  Whatever, I guess this is their version of We Were on a Break.

Brenda continues to be ENRAGED! “You were actually seeing someone? And you brought her here? Dylan, you lied to me!” and while, no, he didn’t technically lie, it is icky that he moved on, even temporarily, so quickly.  As you get older you realize it happens more often than not, though, and that’s just unfair, gross life.  Yay for growing up and realizing many, many things are the absolute WORST.

Dylan insists that he didn’t lie and asks a hand-wringing Rosalita for their room key.  Brenda, measured but seething: “Oh, don't bother, we're not staying,” and then:

She gives the people what they want: The Brenda Stomp, right the fuck out the door.  Smell ya later, Dyl-hole.

Part 3 coming soon!