Part 4 of Season 2, Episode 27: Mexican Standoff - I Mexican't stand where this is headed.

Let's play catch up! Part 1; Part 2; Part 3.

Back in Mexico, Dylan and Brenda sit at a restaurant table eating while "Guantanamera" plays in the background, because it wouldn't be a tv show about white people visiting Mexico without it.

They continue to argue about In Absentia Stacy, but despite this, Brenda declares she's having a wonderful time and shoves some refried beans really aggressively into her mouth.  Because nothing says "joyful" like plunging a forkful of legumes down your maw.

But! This Walking Trope is there to lighten the mood and save the day! He's the restaurant's traveling guitar man, and approaches Dylan and Brenda's table to serenade them with "Feelings." En Español. ¡Olé!? Oy vey!

Dylan pulls this face...

...and this one...

...and Brenda, this one...

...and then they decide to straight laugh and laugh and laugh in this poor man’s face as he's just doing his fucking job, and I would be a lot more peeved about it but LOOK AT LUKE PERRY.  I think I may have the vapors for the first time in my life.  To the fainting couch!

Although he almost ruins everything when, after the hapless musician walks away in devastation and tears (I assume), he begins crooning the English-version of "Feelings" in Brenda's face.  He's lucky he's pretty.

They decide to make up and then toast over ginger ale and Dylan throws in some more casual racism with yet another indeterminately "Spanish" accent and between this and the flippant depiction of Jake's rampant ephebophilia, I may have to go soak my head at the bottom of a frozen-over lake for a few months hours.

Part 3 of Season 2, Episode 27: Mexican Standoff - I Mexican't stand where this is headed.

Catch up on Part 1 here; and Part 2 here.

Back here.

Inside, Kelly and her very cute skirt and equally cute hairdo place some frozen something-or-other in the microwave.

The phone rings, she answers it, and...

OF COURSE it's Cindy, back in her happy place (that is to say, on the fucking phone), calling to speak with Brenda, and, again, this can wait! I guess she's just returning Brenda's initial call, but still.  Please find some friends, Cin.  Anyway, Donna's scheme is set into motion, as Kelly tells Cindy that Brenda ran out to grab them some food and she'll call Cindy once she's back.  They hang up and Kelly scrambles to find the number in Mexico (won't these charges show up on the next Phone Bill of Taylor?)...

...and we cut over to Not La Boca de Grande, where Dylan and Brenda are back in the lobby, continuing to argue about Last Summer Stacy and Dylan wanting to "start over" by taking her to some cantina and Brenda drama queening, "I don't know what I want anymore."

More telephone antics when Rosalita answers Kelly's call, passes the receiver over to Brenda, and then Kelly tells Brenda to call home ASAP.  Good lord, the time before texting.  What kind of animals were we?

Back on Turf Taylor: here's this Grade A side of perv - having finished, I don't know, erecting a koi pond, whittling wooden creatures for the garden, securing Mel's sex swing to the ceiling - come to wash his hands, flex his bicep and flirt with a teenager.  What a catch.

He asks her, "What's a girl like you doin' home alone on a Saturday night?" which is like, the fucking tagline of The Groomer's Playbook.  Time to get a new angle, my guy.  And by "angle" I of course mean "prison."  Sadly, Kelly is flattered by his inquiry, and tells him, "Brenda's in Baja with Dylan, and Donna's out with David and that leaves me," because Kelly knows, as we all do, that Brandon, Steve and AHHHHHHHHNdrea don't matter.

Non-Slick Rick then slips in, "No, uh, no boyfriend?" and way to act like you've never tried to pick up a 17-year-old before, Jake; we all know better.  The Sexy Sax starts playing as she tells him, no, no boyfriend; he smiles in "YOU'RE TOO FUCKING OLD";  she says he doesn't have to rub it in (barf); he smirks, "Sorry, you told me to get personal."

It just keeps getting more sick-making as Kelly asks him to stay and share her lasagna and Jake leans in wayyyyy too close as she sets it on the counter and says, "Smells great," and Kelly says, "Yeah, I love lasagna," and Jake, having never conversed with a woman over the age of 25, i.e. the age at which the frontal lobe is fully formed, says, "I'm not talkin' about the lasagna" and truly, it's one panty-dropper after another with this guy.  Melrose Avenue is that-away, you sick fuck.

Part 2 of Season 2, Episode 27: Mexican Standoff - I Mexican't stand where this is headed.

Catch up on Part one here.

Over to the Office Building of Taylor-Soon-To-Be-Taylor/Silver-But-Not-For-Long-Because-Of-Mel’s-Wandering-Peen-So-Don’t-Worry.

Inside, everyone discusses the wedding, and I’m going to have to side with Kelly here and say I am so over all of this.  Until the actual wedding in the next episode, that is, just to see all of the lewks (I’m so, so sorry) being served up.  Also, why are the children so involved with the planning of this thing? I realize David is the Best Man (and I use that term very loosely and only in the context of his role in the ceremony) but were wedding planners not a thing in the ‘90s?

Over in the corner, Kelly bitch-reads a magazine and makes derogatory comments about the upcoming nuptials.  After Jackie calls her out, Kelly huffs out of the room, as anyone with a modicum of self-respect would do if faced with being in the vicinity of one Mel “Mental Dental” Silver for more than a few minutes.

The next whatever: Rodeo Drive, baby.  I mean, I assume.

Inside a boutique’s GLORIOUSLY tacky changing room, Brenda, Donna and Kelly finish up trying on their bridesmaid dresses.  Brenda gripes about the Walsh patriarch, telling the gals, “The last time I saw him like this was when Brandon was 11 years old and tried to ski off the roof.” Yeah, right.  I'll bet Jim just chucked Brandon on the chin and then talked to him about laying the wood to his future girlfriends in his childhood bedroom.  Donna then suggests the plan that will inevitably lead to Brenda and Dylan’s downfall: “You could say you're staying at Kelly's and then go to Baja anyway.” I feel like Donna as written (at least as of Season 2) wouldn’t come up with a scheme like this, which is then explained away when she says that some cousin of hers used to do it all the time.  She probably also subconsciously picked up a few tips from her philandering mother?

My apologies: a trigger warning should’ve preceded this monstrosity (Momstrosity? I’ll show myself out).

Including this shot to show you that Kelly’s dress is fantastic, as is her hair, and also give us a miniscule sneak peek of what are, in my opinion, the best bridesmaid looks to ever grace television or movie screens.  Brenda, especially, will don it with aplomb.

Jackie, looking like the interior of a Vans store projectile vomited all over her muumuu, comes waddling in to tell them that her wedding gown doesn’t fit over her ever-expanding bump that houses Mel’s DEMON spawn that’s growing in her uterus and that it’s in the process of being altered.  She needs Kelly to run home and drop off a check to Jake the Snake: “This guy is too good to lose and I'm stuck here for at least another hour.” Pray tell: how does Jackie know this? Did he audition for her by painting swatches on the house? Me thinks she liked the cut of his jib more than anything.  And maybe his biceps.  Our Jackie is no stranger to ogling seaside beefcakes a good 15+ years her junior, after all.

Jackie then asks Brenda and Donna to wait outside so that she can backhand Kelly in private after she throws yet another mini-fit about taking the check to Jake (although, make no mistake: I am still firmly Team Kelly, versus Team Anything Involving Mel): “You have been nothing but a pill ever since Mel and I announced our engagement.  [CAN YOU BLAME HER? And, in less than a year’s time, Kelly is going to look like a genius].  Now I have tried to be understanding, I really have.  I even made your friends my bridesmaids.” Yes, which was really weird and sad, Jackie.  Blah blah, nothing is resolved, Kelly pouts some more, again, FOREVER, rolls her eyes and marches out.

Part 1 of Season 2, Episode 27: Mexican Standoff - I Mexican't stand where this is headed.

Two years later and even less people read blogs.  Eh: The Squeakquel.

Sigh.  Thus kicks off the beginning of the end for Our Brenda and Dylan.  Actually, I'd venture to say that the beginning of Brenda's end was the day she met one Kelly "Lady Judas" Taylor, but that's neither here nor there.  We also get a bunch of Silver/Taylor Wedding of the Century planning shenanigans (plananigans?) in this one, and Jake Hanson is introduced to backdoor-pilot us into the (terrible-until-Heather-Locklear-saves-the-day) first season of Melrose Place, in addition to becoming the Taylors' Jack (Jake?) of All Trades, as well as showing us his whole, deviant ass as a seducer of the underage.  Here we go.

Dylan's Non-Craftsman.

Inside, we get a shot of, like, a FUCK TON of books, because apparently Brenda and Dylan are majoring in advanced-advanced-placement collegiate-level bio-molecular thermodynamics with a minor in encyclopedia-reading.  Which is totally a thing.

After a horndog pan-up of Brenda's and Dylan's intertwined, Levi's-clad legs (reminiscent of their roll-on-the-chaise in "My Desperate Valentine"), Brenda pulls away and asks, "You know what I'd really like?" To fuck? Because: I can't imagine that these two, who've already Done The Do, would be just dry-humping, fully-clothed-and-scrunchied, on the couch.  I'm not trying to be icky, but, c'mon.  They've presumably been sexually active for almost a year.  I would imagine this would accelerate pretty quickly.  I was in high school once upon a really long time ago and I...heard things from other people because I was an exceptionally late bloomer who didn't have her first boyfriend until her Senior year.  ANYWAY, she tells him, "What I really wish is that I didn't have to go home so early."

Dylan advises her to just "forget her curfew," and baby boy? Brenda's not Brandon.  She can't get away with things like he can.  Things like, say, DRUNK DRIVING, and ALMOST KILLING A MAN, and being a complete smarm douche who, over the ten-plus (!) years (dear gawd) this travesty has been on the internet, has probably contributed to this blogger's chronic migraines and debilitating TMJ issues.  Which is basically what she tells him.

He then throws Lower California some free advertising, again, some more, ALWAYS, and asks, "What about Baja?" Brenda repeats, "What about Baja?" in another throwaway line that I say, aloud, whenever the subject of Mexico comes up, forever and ever amen.  Dylan is OF COURSE planning a trip there the following weekend and wants her to come with.  Her: "My fuckface dad [I'm paraphrasing] won't let me." Him: "It doesn't hurt to ask, and I'm sure Brandon will stick his beak in for good measure, too [again: paraphrasing]."

She decides to forgo her curfew at Dylan's suggestion and instead bump-and-grind a hole in the crotch of her ill-fitting jeans, because that will absolutely end well and not kick off this entire, irritating saga wherein her father throws his sad little certified public accountant-weight around and holds Brenda to a wholly different standard because she has a vagina.

Brenda eventually creeps into the Foyer of Walsh...

...only to be busted by The Dreaded Jim "Tony  Soprano Wouldn't be Caught Dead Shuffling Around in a Hooded Cerulean Robe DORK" Walsh.  I wonder where he was the night Brandon was rolling on U4EA and menacing society and exposing his nips all over the place? Oh, that's right: he was fast asleep in bed, completely oblivious to his son's debauchery and crimes against the eyes/humanity.

They then have a relatively tame mano-a-dildo face-off where Jim attempts to go Full Butch and put his foot down, and Brenda tries and fails to convince him that she shouldn't have a curfew.  "I don't ask that much of you" and "I always do the right thing, don't I?" gets thrown in for foreshadowing's sake.  Whatever.

Season 2, Episode 26: Things to Do on a Rainy Day - Well, this is frightening.

 An unwanted relocation.  Divorce.  Death.  Some of the worst humans I've ever encountered.  But also: a couple of the best.  And finally, FINALLY: a return to the (adopted-by-me) Mother Land (i.e. LA) by year's end.  I think I'm ready now.  Shall we dive in, 157 months since the last time I did this thing? Sure.  DO PEOPLE EVEN READ BLOGS ANYMORE? Eh.

Hey.  It's the Color Me Badd episode.  Is anyone even remotely excited about this?  I was not a Color Me Badder (oof).  Did those people exist, other than one Donna Martin, a fictional television character? Were they not, like, the O-Town of the late-'80s/early-'90s Boy Band Era? Do I think about this a lot, even when not writing about a 30-year-old episode of television wherein they guest star? I do.  ANYWAY, interwoven into the CMB storyline is FELICE MARTIN IS A CHEATING WHORE.  Our Felice would NEVER.  Except she totally would and does.  And then there's some idiotic plot involving Steve (so you already know it's idiotic) and Brandon and Dylan and AHHHHHHNdrea and a stripper and high jinks most certainly ensue and then we all die a little bit more on the insides.  Here we go.

Informative Credits get right down to it.  They're singing the song that will never not be in my head after recapping this thing, the embarrassingly titled, "I Adore Mi Amor" (which I actually, truly thought until transcribing this episode was called "Dream On").  

Katherine Cannon's name gets dragged into this mess, appearing over this shot of Not Kenny G, enragingly crooning about having to stay.  Where? We never find out, and also no one cares.

From behind we see that THAT MAN IS WEARING OVERALL CULOTTES LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.  He should fucking walk himself into the sea.  IT'S RIGHT THERE SIR.

But of course said overall culottes have one strap down.  We just couldn't help ourselves.  The guy on the right with his blow out and tremendously odd posing and Speed Stick gelled pit hair was clearly CMB's answer to George Michael.  But, like, Photocopy of a Photocopy George Michael.  Good bob, though.

Help me understand, Darren Star.

Season 2, Episode 25: Meeting Mr. Pony - Which Sounds Like The Title Of Some Smutty, Sordid Snuff Film Someone Like Mel Would Be Into, No?

Does anyone remember Graham from Saved by the Bell? The character had a one-episode stint in "Cut Day," the one where Slater and Jessie break up and no one cares because they aren't Zack and Kelly?

Yeah, this guy.  Well, here, he plays a sweaty, tweaked-out armed robber.  Which is unfortunate, mostly because he did so well as a recycling-obsessed MEGA DORK whose shirt served as a perfect 3-D interpretation of the SBTB opening credits.  Anyway.

We start here.

Inside, Brenda tries to study, while Dylan plays with her hair and is generally adorable...other than the fact that THE GREEN SHIRT.  NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo.  I thought we had left it behind in an on-fire dumpster earlier in the season.

Brenda speaks of electrons and cathode rays and upcoming midterms and all Dylan really wants to do is fuck.  Maybe right on the couch like Brandon may or may not have done with Emily? Why not!

Hot Slut Smooches.

But! Brenda's had enough of this shit, gathers her work, stands up and tells him, "Obviously we're not gonna get anything accomplished here, so I think we should go to a public place.  Someplace preferably very well lit."

Dylan's all, "Not the library?"

Season 2, Episode 24: The Pit and the Pendulum - Or, GEE WHAT'S NEW Brandon Makes Everything All About Brandon

In which FUUUUUUUUUUCK remember when television shows aired like, 75 episodes per season (reality: 25-28)? I realize that the first couple of 90210 seasons were longer because of the Summer Episodes, but Jesus Christ.  I am so ready for Season 3, even though it includes My Least Favorite Story Line In The History Of Television.

We open with some horrible rockabilly-adjacent music (which is almost certainly some ass-track they had to replace whatever originally played here for the DVDs) playing as we see a bunch of Old Timey pictures, the first of which is the HOLLYWOODLAND sign...

...then Grauman's Chinese Theater...

...then this one, which is a picture of the set from the Babylon sequence of the 1916 silent film Intolerance. (The Hollywood and Highland Center, which is directly to the east of Grauman's, has a three-story courtyard which was inspired by this scene.  Do you care? No? Just me? Okay.)...

...an autographed photo of Walt Disney...

...a black-and-white of Don Drysdale...

...the Capitol Records building...

...the inside of the Peach Pit in the Olden Days, and then over to Season 1 Peach Pit? I guess? I am already so bored.

We finally pan down to Worthless Nat, who's been Sad Sackily (and Worthlessly) gazing upon all of these photos.  We hear a ruckus in the background...

...which turns out to be Brandon, Steve and Dylan playing air hockey of sorts with saucers and coffee mugs on the counter top.  Because they are entitled rich assholes.

Nat agrees.

Willie! arrives and says nothing, because Willie's basically a mute until Season 5.

Brandon "wins" or whatever and hops over the counter like a completely unsanitary boor.

He and Dylan do some ludicrous bro-clap...

...and then he reaches down to grab the saucer that wound up on the filthy fucking floor, but Nat gets there first and snips, "Why don't you and your 'fans' stomp on my dishes next time? That way they'll be sure to get broken?" Brandon apologizes, even though he really doesn't mean it, and then Nat gets his cunt on some more and gripes about Brandon doing some work for once in his goddamn life.

After Nat heads to the back room, Steve's all, "The Peach Pit.  L.A.'s newest fun spot." Oh, go buy yourself another silken blouse from Casual Corner and choke on it, you curly-headed stye.

Later, Brandon comes around the corner and into the back room of the Pit and runs into Willie, who says, "'Scuse me, Brandon," so I'm a liar.

Brandon then heads over to Nat, and they talk about mustard and what a little bitch Nat is being, and then Nat waxes regretful about remodeling the restaurant right before the recession hit, and hopefully also about all the free food he gives away on a daily basis.

And then because everything's always All About Brandon, he asks, "Should I start lookin' for another job?" Nat says no, that he'll probably have to get rid of Willie (who most certainly runs circles around Brandon) because he wants a raise after five years, which isn't asking for all that much.  Brandon's all incredulous about Willie getting the boot, and Nat dramatics, "I'm not made of money.  Somethin's gotta give." Good thing you spent a bunch of scratch on karaoke equipment and then got rid of it in like, a week, in the previous episode.  Nat is officially the savviest businessman I know.