Season 2; Episode 8 - Wild Fire: Was This Title A Clever Foreshadowing Of Emily's Propensity To Light Homecoming Floats Ablaze???

(I will preface this one with HOLY MOLY, August-into-September has been a blur of work, a trip up to San Francisco to visit Benjamin [of Banana Walsh fame] for the long Labor Day weekend, my boyfriend going back to school and me having to safety-pin his mittens to his jacket and pack his lunches every morning and lay out his outfits every evening [none of that has actually happened] and my family coming for a visit here in L.A.  Also: napping, talking to my cats about nothing in particular, napping some more, again, watching Seinfeld [shocker] and procrastinating the writing of this recap because...? No idea.  I mean, other than San Francisco and my family's visit, my life is essentially a really, really uneventful, non-funny and pathetic version of Groundhog Day.  Anyhow, once again, apologies on the delayed posting of this thing.  I guess Emily Valentine's mere presence wasn't the kick in the pants I thought it would be.  Or maybe her hair just really turned my stomach and gave me the night sweats with a side of cholera, I don't know.  Whatever, without further ado, read on.)

In which Our Beloveds finally realize that they're really only truly Hot Sluts when they're together...which is a lie, seeing as Brenda continues to be a Hot Slut until the end of time and Dylan leaves his Hot Slut behind midway through Season 3...but I digress.  We're also introduced to Emily Valentine and her Hair Of ALL Horrors, which for some reason brings all the boys to her greasy, messy, desperately-in-need-of-a-root-touch-up'ed yard.  And finally: The Return Of Poor (Seriously, Where's The Gun?) Scott Scanlon! Now with 715% more Fucking Dork.  But after some For Real Talk he lays down on David this episode, he may just replace Brenda in The Special Place in the cold, charred, coal-like substance that resides somewhere beneath my rib cage (i.e. my heart).  It's on!

We open...at the BHBC?!? WHO THE WHAT.  I thought we were done with this shit!

Psych! We totally are.  This is just a dream.  Which you can obviously tell seeing as women are coming onto Brandon.  Anyhow, a waiter brings him a drink as these three skanks, who fell straight out of an episode of Just The Ten Of Us, rub their skank hands all over him and for some reason repeatedly kiss his cheek.

And then this delicate gardenia appears on the horizon, serving up some serious Kelly Bundy-level Essence Of Eleganté 1980s Video Vixen with those lace-front spandex booty-shorts and matching, midriff-baring, keyhole-in-the-shape-of-a-stretched-out-vadge top.  And she rolls up, breathily repeating "Brandon" over and over, and by "breathily," I mean "mannishly" because girlfriend sounds like Morgan Freeman with a chest cold.

Brandon of course pops innumerable Woodrows and proceeds to lower his grodsky octagonal Claire's sunglasses and peers over the top of them at the exquisite Swarovski crystal coming towards him.  But! Suddenly! Dream Dude's Girl's voice turns into Brenda's...

...and we cut to Brandon's bedroom inside H.O.W., as Brenda attempts to awaken her layabout brother with, "Get outta bed, pokey.  You don't wanna be late for school, do you?"

Brandon rolls over with his schlong at full-mast, presumably, and he and Brenda talk about the anxiety dreams she's been having for the last week (including one where she shows up for class unclothed) in the lead-up to the first day of school.

Brenda doesn't think that there's anything for her to be nervous about, seeing as she and Brandon aren't the poorly-dressed-and-coiffed hayseeds fresh off the covered wagon from Minnesota like they were the previous year, and Brandon says that it's probably because it's the "first day of school.  New classes.  New teachers.  Old boyfriends." Brenda asks, "What does that have to do with going to school nekkid?" and yes; Shannen Doherty seriously says "nekkid" and I love her for it.  And then Brandon makes a non-joke with, "Right.  Relax.  You were probably just tryin' to make a fashion statement." Shut up, Brandon.

Next we have the Getting Ready For School montage, accompanied by some Getting Ready For School music, and we cut to Kelly's garish room in the Office Of Taylor, where she's picking out shoes to go with her disgusting jeans and relatively cute red blazer.

First up: NO.  I mean, I love a good Oxford, what, with being eleventy-feet tall (actual height: 5'11") and with weak ankles that are the approximate consistency of al dente spaghetti noodles, but these...these are not good Oxfords.  And the horrible, ill-fitting jeans that were our only option back in the day aren't helping matters.  At all.

Yes.  This right here pretty much encapsulates my feelings about those shoes as well.

Next up:  I mean...better? Perhaps? But again, THE JEANS.  They're a fucking plague upon wardrobes and the corneas.

And then MY EYES! MY EYES! Just...no.  Just, FUCK NO.

Over to OH GEE I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE.

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her crow's feet, already at school in The Blaze office...

...and preparing to diddle herself with all of these No. 2s.  You know the words "Dixon Ticonderoga" gets her clitoris hard.

Over to Steve in his very Steve-like room, wearing a shirt that's definitely not the most offensive thing he's ever worn.

And then there's this one, which has STEVE "Loop Pile" SAUNDERS written all over it, even though he himself finds it to be a gaudy smear of clown feces...

...and then this one, which he looks the best in and which he seems most pleased with.  Unfortunately, Steve can't leave well enough alone.  You'll see.

Now: Donna's.  Where she's sitting at her vanity (in her room with curtains that appear to have fallen straight out of D.J. Tanner's Big Girl Room) looking in the mirror with a HIGH AS SHIT side ponytail going on.

She then reworks things and comes up with this French twist whatever, which is not good.

And then she puts her finger in an electrical outlet or something and comes up with this folicular assassination.

WBHHS.

Same "students entering the school" as always.

Brandon and Brenda roll into a parking space in Brandon's RAD AS A FUCK AND TOTALLY UNDESERVED Mustang.  But I'm not bitter.

Brandon reminisces, "Remember last year, we drove up here for the first time, saw all these hot cars?" Brenda says, "I don't mean to speak ill of the dead but Mondale just did not quite cut it, but its diarrhea-hued paint job certainly fit your personality perfectly, you wiry little semen-coated, ingrown crotch whisker." Only maybe it was me who added that last bit.

So then we see Kelly's decided-upon footwear as she steps out of her car.  And, much like Steve's denim button down, these certainly aren't the worst things Kelly could've worn.  And they're working to take away some of the ankle bunchiness her jeans insist on providing.

Donna exits the passenger side of Kelly's Beemer, sporting her Standard Donna Part and an outfit that's made of 100% yawns.

Steve and his embarrassingly licensed-car pull up right next to Kelly and he gets out sporting some silk-blend button down, thankfully not Steve SAUNders Special'ed to oblivion, and not a complete deformity but pretty nasty all the same.

Brenda.  Menswear.  YAAAAAAASSSSSSS.  And of course: HER HAIR.  ANYway, The Blonde Brigade meets up with Brandon (looking the same as always [read: like trash]), and Brenda and they all talk about how Steve and Kelly weren't speaking at this time last year (which Kelly and society describe as "the good old days") and how Donna has a stomachache and how Steve barfs the night before the first day of school.  Whatever.  Side bar: Kelly does look pretty terrific here.

Oh, and then Brandon and his 41-year-old friend who's dressed for Casual Friday at the office pull snaps off each other and no one cares.  Even more so, I mean.

Cut to a shot of more dreadfully outfitted extras...

...and The Gang looking at the front of the school and Brandon saying, "Well, this is it, guys.  Back to the big house," and Steve continues the tradition of Things No One In Reality Would Say with, "Open up those cell doors wide, here we come."

And then I guess Steve gets the runs?  I mean, I assume, from the way he looks at Brandon right here.  It's like a non-verbal cry for help and a fresh pair of BVDs.

Inside to the DJ booth, unfortunately.  David's nasally little girl voice informs us, "Don't forget, everybody.  Thursday is Hello Day, the unofficial start of the new school year.  So, have your songs and skits ready.  Winners get their names inscribed forever on the West Beverly Hall of Shame." Keep in the mind that we heard nothing of this "Hello Day" last season, nor will we in Season 3.  Moving on.

HEY.  LOOK WHO IT IS.  Poor (For Real, How Many More Episodes Until He's) Dead Scottie Scanlon!...wearing a 73-gallon cowboy hat.  David's jacket, with its LEATHER BASKETBALL ELBOWS was very obviously the inspiration for Puddy's 8-ball jacket on Seinfeld.

Cut to the girls in the hallway, and Donna's all, "I wish I was addicted to love." I should pause here and tell you that in the original airing of this episode, Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" was playing throughout the whole school-prep mishmash.  On all of the DVDs however, the soundtrack's original songs had to be replaced because of copyright whatever.  It happens in a really obvious way later in the episode, but Donna's comment here kind of comes out of left field as well, seeing as whatever low-rent, third-rate song that's playing doesn't jibe with what she's saying at all.  Anyhow, Brenda tells her to be careful for what she wishes for, and Donna's all, "Yeah, well I'm getting a boyfriend this year." Yes, yes, grievously you do get a boyfriend this year, and you and we as human beings collectively will have to cope with your little stroll into the deepest depths of poor decision-making for the next 9 fucking years.  So, thanks for that, Don.  Blah blah then the girls decide that they're going to do something for Hello Day.  Who cares, you ask? Precisely no one.

Back to the DJ booth.  David and his jacket that tears are made of think they're cool (they're not) and are all, "Scott, my man!" No one's your man, David.  No one.

They talk about their respective summers and Scott asks, "Didja score?" First: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Second? HEAVE with a side of HORK followed by an ear bleach-chaser after hearing that one.  But miraculously, David chooses not to be the lowest common denominator and truthfully advises Scott that no, OF COURSE no living, breathing mortal or non-mortal would even think about knocking boots with him, which he demonstrates by making this face, which is probably the face he makes in the mirror when he's jerking off.  Completely disgusted yet? Yeah, me too.  Need to soak in a tub filled with battery acid and holy water? Totally.

So then David asks about Scott's MEGA HAT all, "Isn't it a little big?" and Scott tells him, "No, this is the way it's supposed to be.  It's a Stetson." That doesn't make it right, Scott.  Scott tells David that he brought something back for him and David thinks it's a matching oversized novelty hat with a camera inside like the one that Homer wears to expose Apu and advises, "You know, I don't look so good in big hats." But he forgets to add, "Or clothes, in general.  And specifically." But it turns out to just be some County-Western CDs, which Scott calls, "C-and-W," which really just makes me wish he had actually pulled out a gun and twirled it around and then accidentally shot himself in the gut and bled out all over his mom's Persian rug in the DJ booth.  Whatever, he tells David he should play some of it on his show.

Back to the parking lot.  The Gee-Tar of The New Bad To The Bone Student plays in the background as Emily Valentine rumbles up on her hog.  That is not a euphemism.

Also: apparently 57 kids at West Beverly ride motorcycles.  Number of teenagers who rode motorcycles in my high school: 0.

Dylan rolls into a spot in his Raging Lady Boner Speedster and checks the new butch biker babe out.

But then he sees the atrocity that is her hair after she pulls off her helmet and he peels out of the lot, leaving a series of tire marks in his wake, and races to the nearest psychiatric clinic where his eyeballs will be treated for combat fatigue and depression.

Not really.  He actually finds the dead, peroxided chupacabra sitting atop Emily's head to be intriguing, so he Cool Guys himself out of his car by STEPPING ON THE FUCKING SEAT AND DOOR AND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE ASSHOLES and struts on over.  His kicks are rad, however, so I may just forgive him for his boorish exit from the vehicle.

What follows is, to me, a very awkward and forced exchange where we find out that Emily just moved from Marin County and she's not thrilled to be in L.A. because of "smog, strip malls, traffic jams," and Dylan informs her there's more to Los Angeles than that, telling her about "the beach at sunrise, Santa Ana winds, Randy's Donuts." He suggests them ditching school and going to get donuts (HOT) right then and there, but Emily denies him with, "I don't think ditching the first day of school is a good way to make a first impression." He then suggests a date that evening.  I guess the thought of running his fingers through her unwashed, sticky-looking hair while tonguing her uvula really gets his rocks off.

Back inside, Brandon comes down the stairs and we see Emily, all hopped up on U4EA no doubt, approaching his locker bank.

Even though Brandon didn't say goddamn word one to her, Emily goes into some gripe about, "at my old school this would've fit," meaning the fucking guitar she has strapped to her back.  Introductions are then exchanged, no one cares.

So Brandon tells her he knows a place where she can "stash" the fucking guitar she has strapped to her back so they head down the hall and talk about Emily's tragic hair situation.  At least, I assume that's what Brandon wanted to talk about, what, with the way he's eyeing her mangy nest right here.

And here we are: "The West Beverly Blaze, my home away from home," as Brandon describes it.  He fails to mention that it's also the place where a thousandtine snooze-fest story lines will derive from.  He tells her that he's the sports editor like that's supposed to get the ladies' genitals all lubed-up or some shit, and she goes on to mention that her dad is a newspaper man and that "he founded a free press in the '60s, and he's worked on every liberal rag from Cambridge to Berkeley ever since." She asks if Brandon ever gets free tickets to Raiders' games (I guess they were in L.A. at this time? I don't care enough to Google it) and there's actually a reasonably cute exchange where Brandon says, "I do have two press box seats for West Beverly's exciting practice scrimmage against Beverly Hills tomorrow night," and Emily asks, "Wow, you sure you don't wanna save those babies for someone really special?" Obviously, these two have much better chemistry than Dylan and Emily, and I wonder if Christine Elise and Jason Priestley had started dating at this point.

HEY.  Look who it is, come to wet blanket the nice moment with her general stick-up-her-ass AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdreaness.

Because she's from The Valley (gross) and has exactly zero manners, AHHHHHHHNdrea fails to greet her friend in any way and tactlessly dives into her tedious, one-dimensional schtick: "Brandon, we need to talk about leads for your first story because I have to push up the deadline.  You know, given that it's the first week and all, I wanna get the paper out so..." and god, just please go fucking stir the Metamucil into your morning cup of Sanka and SHUT ALL THE FUCKS UP, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNDREA.  If I have to hear any more annoying ass Blaze-related twaddle escape AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's food-hole, I may just...oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I know all too well that there are umpteen story lines involving The Blaze and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman, Editrix-In-Chief Snags The Scoop! to come over the next 2 seasons, so pass the vodka-and-Gaviscon Extra Strength slurry and let's just get on with it. 

Luckily, Brandon's there (something I never thought I would say) to tell AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to calm down, i.e. shut the fuck up.

Meanwhile, Emily and the moldy, blanched possum on her head look at AHHHHHHHHHNdrea like I always look at AHHHHHHHNdrea and interject to ask about where they can store their guitar.

Brandon, whose Minnesota manners far surpass AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's shitty San Fernando Valley ones, introduces the two females and advises AHHHHHHHHNdrea that he told Emily she could stash her "axe" in The Blaze office.  After Brandon calls the guitar an "axe" he swiftly falls out of my favor and I hate his miniature guts once again.  So AHHHHHNdrea asks Emily if she's interested in writing for the school paper, which Emily declines.  AHHHHHHHNdrea immediately hates Emily because a) she rebuffed an offer to work on the bloody fucking Blaze and b) she's another female whom Brandon has spoken to.

Into the girls' bathroom we go, and every line delivered in this scene is given to us in the famed Horrible Voice-over.  Kelly's Horrible Voice-over: "I think we should do Motown.  Go as The Supremes.  Or The Pointer Sisters?" Donna's Horrible (And Stupid) Voice-over: "Nah, too old.  You listen to your mother's junk too much."  Brenda's Horrible Voice-over: "Why don't we do a show tune.  Something like, 'Somewhere Over the Freeway'?" My Horrible Voice-over: "Writers, that line was an embarrassment." Kelly's Horrible Voice-over: "Right.  We'll dress up like Munchkins." And since I'm sick of typing the hyphenate "voice-over" let me hurry this along and tell you that Donna suggests they do a send-up of Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love," but call it "Addicted to Sex," and Brenda tells her, "Hello Day is supposed to be a G-rated event," and then they hem and haw about what they should actually sing about and from one of the toilet stalls comes Emily's Horrible Voice-over: "How 'bout 'Addicted to Clothes'?" which Kelly and Brenda deem "perfect" (whatever).

And then Emily emerges from the stall after being unable to take a crap while these three nitwits jabber on about fucking Hello Day, and it's decided that she'll be the fourth member of their group and have a really poor voice and sing really terribly later in the episode.

Lunchtime.  Dylan tells Brandon that he has a date that evening (he doesn't mention with whom, so that high jinks can ensue before the first commercial break, obviously) and wants to bring her by The Peach Pit...so that she can find a used band-aid or one of Nat's pubes in her tamale special? I guess? And he wants to run it past Brandon first, seeing as he's Brenda's brother and doesn't want it to be weird.  Brandon, of course, has -37% loyalty to his sister, so of course it won't be weird for him.

Over to the burnt out, water-deprived grassy area that closely resembles the consistency of Donna's hair.  The girls are eating lunch and Emily's now playing her guitar, and we had a neighbor or a friend of a neighbor once who used to sit out in the courtyard and play his acoustic guitar and sing and all of these people would sit around and hoot and holler and clap after each song and let me go on record right now and tell you that I am not one of those people.  I have a real problem with fools singing in public (outside of a music venue, that is - and sometimes even that's uncalled for) and the problem is it's embarrassing as FUCK and STOP IT.  Unfortunately, it's a real nuisance here in L.A. with all the street-and-subway performers, who only make my morning and afternoon commutes a piping hot thermos full of awkwardness, mortification-by-proxy, and a series of whispered, desperate prayers that my own grim death is right around the corner.  Anyway, Emily strums along and has the audacity to make fun of the Beemer Bitches for ever-so-stereotypically driving BMWs, when she's sitting there, in public, strumming a fucking guitar that she carries around on her back.  And then she asks Brenda what kind of car she drives and Brenda says that she doesn't have one and Emily's all, "No wheels? I thought nobody walked in L.A." and Donna's a first-rate cooter and adds, "Well, they do if they don't have a driver's license."  And then if I recall correctly back to when I first saw this episode (in the Old Timey days), this is where Emily shames herself even further and launches into Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz" and her voice is just a pile of diarrhea-soaked throw up and I had to go lie down for like, 3 days after being subjected to it.

Obviously because they had to remove the song part on the DVD version, there's this really abrupt and odd cut to Donna making a face in the K.O.W., where the girls have convened to do homework and presumably work on their beastly parody song.

Brandon saunters into the kitchen and Cindy's all, "Please ask the next time before you borrow one of my blouses for school," and he's all, "Emily, hi." And Emily's all surprised that Brandon lives there and Kelly informs her, "This is the home of the Minnesota Twins," and that double-entendre just never gets old.

Emily still can't believe that someone as rad as Brenda could have a toad like Brandon as a brother, and then Brenda invites Emily to a barbecue at H.O.W. later in the week.

The phone rings and it's Dylan, who Brenda thinks is calling for her but for some reason he's calling for Brandon, like, who the fuck wants to talk to Brandon?

Emily makes the grave mistake of telling the others, "You know, I met a guy named Dylan today," and Brenda's all, "Dylan McKay?" Emily says she thinks so, "Porsche Speedster? Cute little scar on his right eyebrow?"

Brenda's Bad Bitch slowly creeps up her face as she tersely replies, "Yeah, that would be him."

To The Peach Pit.

Brandon and Worthless Nat have some worthless exchange about Brandon being a badass waiter or some shit.  No one cares.

Remember those wacky high jinks I referred to a little bit ago? Well, here they are in all their zany glory.  Only not really.  Dylan and his fecal-stained jacket escort Emily, dressed as a kicky mom on her way to the first PTA meeting of the new school year, into The Pit.  Brandon actually manages to play it cool (a first for him) and directs them to two empty stools at the counter.

Dylan asks, "You know Brandon?" and Emily's all, "Doesn't everybody?" and yes, Emily.  Sadly, everyone does know Brandon.

Nat hustles up like the worthless pervert that he is and asks, "So does this pretty new face have a name?" and instead of just saying, "Hey, Nat, this is Emily," Dylan becomes oddly formal and like, presents Emily to Nat with, "I'd like to introduce Emily Valentine." Shut up, Dylan.  Emily lies and tells Nat that she's heard that "you make the best burgers and fries in town," and then he worthlessly whisks her over to the juke box for a song "on the house." Good to have you back, Worthless Nat.

Brandon takes the opportunity to come up to lay claim to Emily by figuratively urinating all over her, telling Dylan, "When you said you were bringing somebody by, I didn't realize you meant Emily...I've got a date with her tomorrow night."

Nat, getting all worthlessly handsy with Emily, shuffles her back up to the counter and tells the guys, "Hey, fellas! You gotta watch out for this one.  You got a heartbreaker on your hands." Yes.  Emily, in her Dress Barn 25% Off Clearance Rack Finest, has "man eater" written all over her sensible jacket with brooch appliqué.

H.O.W.

Kelly is on the phone with Brenda, talking about that home-wrecking floozy Emily Valentine: "Brenda, she said he had a cute scar.  What do you think is gonna happen?" Brenda, in an attempt to bypass Kelly's line of questioning, asks, "Are you gonna do any homework this year?"

Under the soul-eating gaze of DEMON KELLY, Kelly, who matches her bedtime scrunchie to her satin-y pajamas, advises that Brenda has to tell Emily about her (Brenda) and Dylan, "before something happens." Brenda says that her and Dylan agreed to see other people, and Kelly lays it all out with, "But you're not." Unless you count her revolting flirtation with her spooky summer school drama teacher.  But I don't and no one else should either.

GAG ME.  Now we're up at Make Out Point or something.  Dylan has brought Emily and her hair that resembles a Brussels Griffon's pelt here.  He says, "Welcome to L.A." all Sexy StyleZ but it mostly just made me cringe and dry heave at the same time.  Emily calls the view spectacular, and Dylan adds, "You're pretty spectacular, too." You met her all of 12 hours ago.  Calm down on the declarations, dude.

YIKES.  They proceed to eat each other's faces off and listening to this go down with ear buds shoved in my ear canals so that every lip smack and tongue thrust and saliva bubble popping is amplified to CODE: KILL ME NOW is in fact the most traumatizing thing I've experienced while writing these things, and that includes the time that Jim's downy fur back violated my vision, as well as that time Brandon wore this:

We're talking agony beyond measure, you guys.

Anyhow, Dylan pushes himself off Emily's face and decides now would be a good time to bring up his and Brenda's relationship status: "Um...to be fair, I think I should tell you that I just broke up with someone...we're not really broken up [really?], but we're not really together, either." Dylan's revisionist history is...odd.  And then he tells her that he's not looking for anything "heavy" at the moment and Emily says, "Who said anything was heavy?" and then they go back to vile lip-sucking, which I refuse to talk about again.  These two have the all the sizzling chemistry of nothing at all.  No chemistry to speak of whatsoever.

Back to Brenda's room.  Brandon, like so many times before, barges in and starts yammering at his sister while she attempts to do homework.  He asks her, "Guess who showed up at The Peach Pit tonight?" She tells him she's trying to study but he baits her by adding, "With Emily Valentine."

This of course gets Brenda's attention, as she already knows it was Dylan, but she asks her gossip whore brother anyway, and after he tells her she tries to maintain some level of maturity and advises, "Dylan is free to see whoever he wants...and I'm not gonna be a jealous person." And then Brandon twerpily adds, "Well if you can handle it, so can I." Because it's at all the same thing, you fucking pimple.

Brenda's lucky in that Brandon leaves her room and she immediately dials up Kelly and informs her, "You were right about Emily.  She made the first move." If a bitch isn't cut by the end of this thing, I just don't know what.

WBHHS.

DJ booth.  The "On Air" light flashes.

David nervously paces the booth like the caged pixie that he is.

He spots his almost-dead former friend, and because he needs something, he decides to throw Scott a morsel of his attention and knocks on the glass and beckons him into the booth.

Once inside, David explains to Scottie that he's close to pinching off a loaf in his Wonder Woman underoos, so would Scott mind manning the sound board (or whatever the hell it's called) while David makes a break for the powder room? Scott, desperate for friendship from someone other than his father's Smith and Wesson revolver, agrees and asks what he has to do.  David tells him, "As soon as this cut's over, push this button.  As soon as it's over."

David jets out of the booth as Scott stands there like the nearly-departed goon that he is, bobbing his head and for some reason being super-grateful that David decided to speak to him that day.  Seriously Scott: a slug to the intestinal tract is a far better option.

For some reason we get a shot of David running into the bathroom with a mad case of the Hershey squirts.

Over to these two, with Brenda (in her rad shirt) saying of all the DRAAAAAAMZZZZ with Dylan, "I don't know if I can handle this.  I didn't think anything would happen this fast." Uh...it's been 3 months.  She says that she almost called AHHHHHHHNdrea at The Rap Line the previous night, so that AHHHHHHHHNdrea could've given her really shitty advice and/or acted like a straight up judgmental cunt.  AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's carrying a fucking clipboard, tells Brenda, "Look, there's not a lot you can do...I mean, you told Dylan to see other people, and Emily can go out with anyone she wants." I agree with her, but because it's AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, and because I Heart Brenda and also because it's AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, I say: shut up, AHHHHHHHHNdrea.  Brenda + Dylan = True Hot Slut Love 4EVAHHHHHHH(Ndrea).  Anyway, Brenda also agrees with AHHHHHHHNdrea and says, "I know, and I know you're right.  Besides, I mean, it's not like it's anything serious.  She's going out with a lotta guys.  In fact she has a date with Brandon tonight."

This revelation OF COURSE gets AHHHHHHHHNdrea's psychotic juices flowing so she scurries after Brenda (who seriously couldn't give three hard turds about AHHHHHHHNdrea's infatuation with her brother), anxiously inquiring, "Where are they going?" So that she can stalk them from the nearest bush? I wouldn't be surprised.

Now we see Emily (wearing a suit jacket she borrowed from David and cut 3½ feet off of) wandering around, lost and frustrated.

She spots Steve and his brushed-out spiral perm and their equally heinous hair apparently met each other's acquaintance the day before because Steve greets her with, "How is my funny Valentine?" She tells him that she can't find her classroom and he shows her that it's directly across the hall from where they stand.  And then he tells her, "You know, in some cultures if a guy helps a lost girl, they're romantically linked for life." And instead of putting an Emily-shaped hole in the wall behind them, she kisses her fingertips...

...and touches Steve's cheek, which probably reeks of rancid Drakkar Noir and the perm solution that dripped off his spongy curling rods the night before, the sensuous combination of which is now on her hands.

Watching Emily's digital seduction of Steve down the hall are the girls and AHHHHHHHNdrea.  #1: While an odd choice for school, Kelly's tennis whites are perfection.  #2: Donna's Mod dress is TO DIE FOR.  Like, for real.  Her head of hay even looks good like this, with the ends all flipped out.  WHY, WHY COULDN'T SHE HAVE STAYED THIS WAY? WHY DID IT HAVE TO DEGENERATE INTO THIS WAKING NIGHTMARE:

TELL MEEEEEEEEEEE.

So Kelly's all, "You know, there's a name for a girl like that," and Steve's rolls by with a, "Ladies,"
and then Brenda, Kelly and Donna say at the same time, "Slut." Which.  Okay.  This is where I need to breathe and use my words.  Kelly's entire calling card for like, a dog's age on this show is "I Was Unfairly Labeled A Big Smelly Slut In High School, But Really I'm A Hooker With A Heart Of Gold." So now, just because Emily went on a date with Dylan, and also has really bad taste and poor judgment and is going out with Brandon and then decided to get Steve's musk all over her hands, she's designated a dirty whore? This is the same kind of shit Kelly will pull on Valerie a few seasons down the road, calling Val out for being some trollop for doing the exact same things (and people!) she herself has done.  In conclusion: Kelly needs to go jump in a fucking lake.  That's been infested with piranhas and electric eel and brain-eating amoebas.

Back to this nonsense.  David exits the bathroom and hears the country song Scott figured out how to put on instead of whatever dreck I'm assuming David had queued up.

Scott and the bodyless Barry Whites on the door there ('cause teenagers just love them some Barry White!) dork out over the tune.

David busts in all hysterical and overreacting with, "What the hell are you doing?...all I asked you to do was push one little button!" He grabs the mic and informs the zero people who actually pay attention to his lame ass radio show, "If anyone can name that tune, pizza's on me."

David then turns to Scott and unleashes his pre-pubescent RAGE!: "What are you tryin' to do, ruin my reputation?" Erm...what reputation would that be, I might ask? The one where you're a bottom-feeding, parasitic status-climber? Is that the "reputation" you're referring to here, Big Dave? Thanks be to ZEUS Scott's there to inform David, "Not everyone has your taste," and SING IT, SISTER! except that I think he meant to say, "No one in humanity has your taste.  Especially in clothing.  And hairlines." And then David must've taken the Conceited Douche Asshole course at Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmations University, because what he says next is just a ball of delusion wrapped in goat feces wrapped in a homemade t-shirt that has I FUCKING LOATHE DAVID written on it in neon puffy paint: "The whole school does.  I'm a taste-maker." I mean, I kind of think even Steve FUCKING SAUNders is more self-aware than this monstrosity.  Steeeeeeeeeeeve.  Let that sink in for a moment.

Luckily for us, Scottie BRINGS IT.  "IT" being "ALL THE TRUTHS": "Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  Now that you hang out with Kelly Taylor, you're Fred Cool." Scott may be a MEGA-DORK who makes AHHHHHHHHHNdrea look like 1991's answer to Regina George, but he's a bad mother-fucker when it comes to putting David in his place.  Except that, as alluded to above, David SUCKS, HARD, so he can never be put in his place because he's deluded enough to think he's actually some trend-setting Big Shot in the West Beverly stratosphere, so he tells Scott, "You know, it's Joe Cool and I'm not that.  And this has nothing to do with Kelly Taylor.  You hijacked my show and that's not cool." 

And then Scott just sits there all wounded-looking, instead of cheap-shotting the back of David's skull with an right overhand as he turns away to compile another shitty playlist that none of his fellow students will like or care about in the slightest.

Outside.  Lunch.  Again.  This is more screentime than this piece of deadened grass will ever see on this show.  Emily rolls up thinking everything's just fine and dandy, asking, "Room for one more?" Brenda sharpens her her claws on the threadbare sod and snots, "It's a big lawn." Emily says she has to bail on their Hello Day rehearsal later that afternoon because she has to go to the doctor.  Kelly asks if she's okay and Emily tells her, "My mother's takin' me to the gynecologist.  I'm goin' on The Pill."

GORGEOUS Brenda's head nearly implodes and she looks at Emily like this and sarcastically asks, "Your mother? You're kidding?" Emily still doesn't catch on to the cunt hammer Brenda's bringing down and tells them, "Well, I have two older sisters that weren't so smart so by the time it got to me I guess she figured better safe than sorry." So then Brenda Peaces The Fuck Out of there because obviously.

She chases Dylan down, because he looks SO HANDSOME here and she just wants to look at him and his face and his style for a minute.

But she also wants to interrogate him about Emily, which she does, asking if he's going to see her again and if he knows that she has a date with Brandon that night.

But Dylan lays into Brenda: "Why don't you just knit her a scarlet letter?...I can't win with you, Brenda.  What the hell do you want from me? I mean first of all, you cut me loose.  You made this big production about how we oughta see other people, so I did.  And now you're throwin' it back in my face." Which...yes, is all true.  But it's Brenda! She can do no wrong.  And really, it's probably a very realistic teenager-reaction to the situation.  I wouldn't know because when I was 16, I spent my Friday nights not with my boyfriend and his Sideburns Of Steel (because I didn't have one), but rather, with my parents and a Hugh Downs-era 20/20.

Brenda says that she didn't think it would happen that fast (again, it was THREE.  Months) and Dylan breaks everyone's heart with, "Seemed like forever to me." Aww.  So then she really puts it on the line by asking, "So tell me, Dylan, why are you really going out with her? Because you like her or because she'll sleep with you?"

Dylan basically tells her to get bent: "You can't have it both ways, Bren.  The fact of the matter is, you gave up any right to ask me questions about my sex life when you decided you didn't want to be a part of it." Oh snap.  And again, all of this is true.  But everyone can piss off, because Brenda.

Back inside to Brenda's locker, where she's filling Kelly and Donna in on her Dylan encounter.  Donna attempts to be logical: "He didn't actually say he slept with her." Brenda attempts, and succeeds, at being paranoid: "And he didn't say he didn't.  I mean, don't you guys see? I wouldn't sleep with him so he found somebody that would." Kelly attempts to be a good friend for once her goddamn life: "Brenda, calm down.  You're jumping to conclusions." Where's Brandon's mat?

Look how cute Donna is! So over the PA comes David's toddler voice: "Last song of the day, folks, and I wanna dedicate it to the hottest girl in the halls." Kelly of course thinks he's referring to her, saying, "I don't know if I can take another year of this," and I would call her a smug bitch for her assumption, but c'mon.  It's David.  Oh! But he throws everyone for a loop when he adds, "I don't know your name, beautiful one, but I hear you ride a mean bike," because that's how people from Planet Earth talk.  Kelly, sort of stricken that she's no longer David's #1 masturbation aid, asks, "Who's he talking about?" and Brenda says, "Emily Valentine rides a motorcycle." Donna rubs it in Kelly's face by adding, "Well I guess you're not David Silver's primo fantasy anymore," to which Kelly replies, "I'm devastated." I mean probably, being the vain snatch that she is.  But seriously, no one needs the kind of attention David supplies, i.e.leering douche/probable public-self-toucher.

Emily comes up to the gals and asks, "This guy talkin' about me?" and she seems sort of embarrassed but pleased and NOOOOOooooooOOOOO, Emily.  David's time, attention and spooge-encrusted video recorder are NOT THE THINGS you want or need in your life.

Kelly tells her, "It sounds like you've inherited the David Silver Fan Club," and Emily asks if she should be flattered (FUCK NO), which is Brenda's cue to round on Emily and give her a glimpse of the what for: "Yeah, Emily.  I guess all the guys are lining up for you." Emily questions what that's supposed to mean...

...and then Brenda is EVERYTHING when she says, "Nothing.  Have a good time at the gynecologist." Which I totally misquoted in my previous recap.  Which is a crime.  I'm sorry.  Anyway, then Brenda Bad Bitch Struts down the hall, leaving Emily and Emily's pending pelvic exam in her wake.

Emily turns to Kelly and Donna for an explanation of Brenda's iciness.  Kelly informs her, "Brenda's been going out with Dylan McKay for almost a year." Which...actually it's been about 8 months and for fucking THREE of those months they've been broken up.  But because it's Brenda and Dylan, whatever.  So Emily's all, "Oh, god.  He told me he was just comin' off a relationship but he didn't say with who," and Kelly says, "Now you know."

And then they snoot off, leaving Emily and her linebacker shoulder pads and THE GUITAR SHE CARRIES AROUND WITH HER EVERYWHERE to stand there all Sad Clown and ostracized and abysmally hair-styled.

Later.

Scott enters the DJ booth to apologize to David, instead of entering the DJ booth and finishing what he started earlier and spitting in Stupid David's stupid face and then stomping on Stupid David's stupid testicles with the heel of his spurred cowboy boots.

And now I'm pretty much over Scott until he spills his abdominal aorta all over his dad's den.  But first let me tell you that he invites David over to his house the next night to see something he brought back from Oklahoma that's "really explosive."  Because this is how people talk I guess.

H.O.W., nighttime.

Brandon's room.  Brenda is all up in her brother's grill and asks, "So, it's your turn tonight, huh?" and "Doesn't it bother you that she went out with Dylan?" Brandon's answers to these inquiries is, "Yep," and "Nope," respectively.

Brenda tells him, "And what would you say if I told you little Miss Popularity was on The Pill?" and Brandon's all, "I'd say that that's her business," and then...I CANNOT. He KISSES his SISTER ON THE NOSE WHAT????? Don't believe me? Because what sick fuck would KISS HIS SISTER to get her to shut up when they're fighting, right??? WELL HERE YOU GO:

If my brother had KISSED ME during a fight when we were growing up, I would've ran to my room, packed up all of my most cherished possessions (which would've included this, this, this, this and this) grabbed the dog, hit the road, hitchhiked to, I don't know...Skowhegan, Maine or something, changed my name, changed the dog's name and then made an anonymous phone call to the Littleton, Colorado Police Department to report an incestuous deviant FREAK SHOW loose on the streets.  And then I would've killed myself.

Brenda does none of those things, but does tell him, "I just think that you should be careful." Brandon says, "No, Brenda, I think you should be careful.  Whatsamatter with you?" Whatsamatter with Brenda??? Says the dude who resolves problems with his sister by caressing her face with his lips.  Anyway, he goes on to tell her, "Now you're trying to stir things up.  Look, I like Emily and I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna have a good time with her tonight." I wonder if he'll try to put the moves on Emily like he just put the moves on Brenda.

Brenda, becoming increasingly nauseous about the whole Emily situation, as well as the fact that her brother just made a pass at her, tells the louse, "Fine, go.  Have a great time,"...

...and then runs into the bathroom to vomit and decide what legal action to take against her depraved brother.

We cut to a shot of the Mustang driving on a windy road...

...and these two heading somewhere...oh, fuck it (SPOILER ALERT) they're going to the same goddamn Make Out Point or whatever the fuck that Dylan took Emily to the previous night.  Because teenage boys are super creative and original about where they go to get hand-js and such.  Anyway, Emily's going on about all the places she's lived: "Let's see, we lived in Cambridge 'til I was 4 and then we moved to Madison, then Sa...no, then Eugene, then Santa Fe then Tiburon and then here." And then she starts talking smack about Brenda, and how she "broke the 11th Commandment: thou shalt not go out with Brenda Walsh's boyfriend." Bitch, you know you're talking to Brenda's brother, right??? Like, even though Brandon's a completely disloyal rectal cyst, she doesn't know that yet, and she probably shouldn't be opening her maw about her gripe with Brenda.

She also shouldn't have stolen Sophia Petrillo's favorite weekday cardigan for her date.  So then Brandon is sort of not a total turncoat and says, "That's my fault.  I was the one who told her," but Emily says, "It's not your fault, Brandon.  And it's not Dylan's.  And it's not mine, either.  If Brenda had a problem, she should've said something to me." Brandon has obviously been abducted by aliens and whoever's in the driver's seat here is an otherworldly impostor because he manages to have his sister's back once again: "She didn't really have a chance.  Things happened kinda fast." Emily's only response is, "So I like guys.  So guys like me, even with my hair looking like a the remnants of a cleaned-out chicken coop," only perhaps not the last part, "So what's wrong with that?"

Brandon, desperate for a hummer or a couple of tugs on his Little Minnesota after his failed foreplay with Brenda, replies, "Nothin'."

Back to this.

Seriously, Emily better do something quick, seeing as Brandon's blue balls are quite obviously causing him excruciating pain right here.

Also: Emily's forelock looks like a Dementor's rotting hand.

Sickening kissing.

And then Emily pulls away and admits that Dylan already brought her here.  Brandon doesn't care because, as shown above, he just came in his boxers.

But he's ready to go again after joking, "Well I guess I'm losing points in the originality department, aren't I?" and Emily tells him, "Well that's okay.  You can make up for it in other areas." Like cunnilingus? I guess?

And now, back to our regularly scheduled retching.

Next whatever. WBHHS.

Dylan's walking down the hall and if you completely ignore his jeans, what a dreamboat, right? And the shirt's a little Steve SAUNdersy, all silk-blend and whatnot, but Our Dylan wears it well.

Brandon catches up with him, and Dylan seems just thrilled about it (he's also making the face and body movement I make every time Brandon appears onscreen).  Brandon tells Dylan about going out with Emily the previous night, and Dylan totally has no fucks to give about any of it.  Brandon wants to know "how serious" it got between Dylan and Emily ("how serious" = "was there anal?") and Dylan is EVERYTHING because he dismisses Brandon with, "If everything's so great, what're you worried about me for?" Brandon says he just wants to know where he stands.  I tell him, "Generally on a soapbox with a couple or seven of these stacked inside your shoes," but I'm ignored just like always.

Dylan pulls Stooge Brandon aside and gets his Robert DeNiro on and asks, "Do you remember the last time you asked me about a girl?" meaning Weathered, Ridden Hard Sandy.  Brandon says that he does, and Dylan reminds him that he gets a free shot (with a gun, I hope!) if the questioning continues.

Smarm Douche Brandon is aware and adds, "Just not the nose," and then charmingly barrels ahead with, "Did you sleep with her, man?" Perhaps he could start ranting and raving at Dylan about Emily's virginity as well, seeing as he enjoys hallway revelations of people's sexual history.  But Dylan informs the cretin that no, he didn't sleep with her.

Brandon then says, "All right.  Go ahead.  Free shot," and MUTILATE HIM, DYLAN!!! PULL HIS HAIR! KNEE HIM IN THE GROIN! UPPERCUT HIS NON-CHIN! But Our Dylan takes the high road and simply pokes Brandon's chest and says, "Not worth it." I mean...that sentiment is OBVIOUSLY gospel, but fuck.  I hate the high road.

Cut to: Scottie's backyard and a patio table covered in fireworks.

Scott's all super-stoked about his loot and David's like, "Meh."

And then: here we go.  Scott whips out a rifle.  Even if we all hadn't already seen this episode 15 shoothrillion times before, I think we could safely assume that this is eventually not going to end well for anyone.

And then Scott must've fallen off several horses and had to go to the ER with traumatic brain injuries while he was in Oklahoma, because he decides now would be a perfect time to fire off his rifle.  In a fucking neighborhood in the middle of Los Angeles.

Oh, Scott.  You kind of deserve to die.

So David pretty rightly gets all freaked and pissed off and says, "I just don't find this all very amusing...I'll see ya 'round the corral, partner," and then stalks off...

...leaving Dullard Scott to stroke his gun and tell it, "Shhh, shhh, it's okay.  At least we have each other."

K.O.W. Jim makes his first appearance of the episode by bringing in burgers from the backyard grill, all, "All right, who called for another rare one?"

Emily, dressed like a Silver Lake hipster and about to be tag-teamed by Steve and Dylan, answers Jim, "I did."

And then we cut over to these two, and Kelly's all, "I'll bet." YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED ALL OF THE DUDES IN THE ROOM AT SOME POINT, BROAD.  EXCEPT FOR JIM, BUT I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU HAD GIVEN HIM A RIM JOB AT SOME POINT.  IN CONCLUSION: FUCK OFF, KELLY.  So Donna says, "I can't believe she came." And Kelly snots, "Why not? All her boyfriends are here." Aaaaaaand, whatever side of my brain that controls HULK RAGE just collapsed on itself, so please, see my CAPSY comment above.

Sadly for everyone in H.O.W. at this moment, Dylan turns to Emily and asks, "Hey, did you bring your guitar?" And OF COURSE Emily says yes, she did, like what a fucking nightmare, carrying around her guitar so that she can give horrible impromptu performances at any time.

So AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's dress might be cute.  But her hair is ass.  And now is probably a good time to take a page out of Rach's book and admit that the real reason I detest AHHHHHHHHHNdrea so much is because I think her character hits a little too close to home for me.  I had gross perms, GIANT glasses, poor taste in clothing and unrequited crushes on many, many boys who wouldn't give me the time of day throughout my childhood and teen years.  I mean, even AHHHHHHHNdrea got a guy to almost-sleep with her...even if that so-called "guy" is Brandon.  So really, even AHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman was cooler than me.  AHHHHHHHNdrea.  Rach, let's you and me go fucking Scott Scanlon ourselves in the den - how does that sound? Following my acknowledgement that I will completely deny if anyone ever asks me about it, I will tell you that Brandon apparently doesn't care about his friends' or family's ears or their general well being, seeing as he concurs with Dylan and tells Emily to go get her guitar so that she can embarrass herself in front of a larger audience.

FUUUUUUUUCK, I LOVE BRENDA.  She turns around as Emily makes to get the guitar and sarcastically says, "Oh great.  A hootenanny."

Brandon warns, "Brenda," as Emily, having also stolen earrings off the set of Mama's Family's, turns around.  Brenda says, "Oh, excuse me.  I didn't mean to be rude," and Emily approaches her, all, "Yes you did.  In fact, it seems like you're going out of your way to be rude to me, Brenda." Brenda tells her, "Well, Em.  Why don't you just go get your guitar and bring it back in here and we'll all gather around and swoon." GO BRENDA.  Not because I necessarily agree with her treatment of Emily but because BRENDA.  And Emily's hair is atrocious.  So she kind of deserves it.

So Emily's all, "Hey! You're the one that invited me to this party, remember? If you want me to leave, just ask.  I'll be happy to oblige," and then Brenda's all, "Oh, and disappoint your fans? I wouldn't dream of it."

Dylan, standing next to Steve (who's wearing some cable knit something or other with like, hieroglyphics on it), chimes in with another warning, "Brenda."

Brenda throws Dylan this Cunt Glare and shuts him down with, "Dylan, stay out of it.  This is between me and Emily." And she kind of says, "Imily," and she is just THE BEST.

Then Emily, who could really use a decent dry shampoo, says, "Geez.  This isn't Beverly Hills.  It's Knots Landing.  When I got to school they should've given me a score card instead of a class schedule, so I could keep track of everyone's boyfriend." I feel like Brenda kind of speaks the truth by replying, "Oh yeah, like that would've made any difference." Emily's only response is, "Oh, grow up, Brenda! You of all people should know what it's like to be the new kid in school!"

Over to a shot of Jim and Cindy being gutless weenies in the corner.  Like, I really think an adult-type would've stepped in by now.

Back to Emily, who says, "All I was trying to do was make friends, with my tongue," except not the latter part of that, "I shouldn't have bothered." And then she turns and stomps out of the house.  Whatever.  She'll be shunned from the group a handful of episodes down the line, so does it matter?

Brandon apparently thinks it does because he (pretty half-assedly) runs after her with an, "Emily, come on!" He then turns to face his sister and asks, "You happy now?" I personally wouldn't be happy until Brandon ran out the door and never came back, but whatever.

Later, Brenda and Cindy are doing dishes and Cindy's all, "I've never seen you behave like that before.  What did this girl do that's so awful?" And Brenda's like, "Duh, bitch! She's going out with Dylan." Cindy says that she thought Emily was going out with Brandon, and Brenda informs her mother, "She is, she's very busy." I sure hope she's so busy that she doesn't have time to fit Steve "Triple Curled Parsley" into her hectic dating schedule.

Anyway, they go on talking for several years and finally Cindy's all, "You should probably get up on Dylan's dick again," and Brenda's all, "For real? What about Dad?" and Cindy's all, "Who fucking cares about that peanut head and his fleecy back?  You do you, Brenda.  And Dylan."

Brandon's room.  Brenda knocks, comes in and says, "Brandon, don't hate me." WHO CARES IF HE DOES??? Brandon responds with, "I don't." Again, WHO CARES IF HE DOES???  Moving on.

Next day: Hello Day preparations on the shitty lawn of West Bev's quad or whatever.

David's running around all frazzled and telling people where to go and what to do and OH PLEASE.  Like he'd been in charge of this event.  Monumental WHATEVER.  So he's all, "What am I forgetting?" and I remind him, "How to size your clothes properly?"

But then Kelly, Robert Palmer Music Video Reject (who actually looks pretty foxy in this getup), interjects and advises him, "That this is supposed to be fun?" David thinks he's fucking Dick Clark or some shit and says, "No, it's not fun until it's over.  Right now it's a mess."

So then the other two Robert Palmer Rejects walk up and Kelly asks them, "Where's Emily?" Um, do you really think she'd participate in this thing now? Donna agrees with me and tells her, "After last night, I don't think she's gonna show."

Kelly's all, "Perfect," and then to David, "Cancel 'Addicted to Clothes,' we're not going on."

David, playing dress-up in Daddy Mel's sport coat and Structure button-down, wigs out, saying, "What? You can't do this to me.  I'm gonna bomb up here.  You guys are the best act we've got!" That's...pretty pathetic.

Donna, who recently recovered from her sternum-removal surgery, tells David, "Forget it.  Without Emily Valentine we don't even have an act." Seriously? Her voice is appalling.  I would venture to guess that one of these three has a better voice than Emily, and that's not saying a hell of a whole lot.

David continues to freak, all, "Oh.  Oh, that's great.  You know what this means? That I've gotta close with Janie Thurman and The Dancing Soda Cans.  Thanks, thanks a lot, guys," and then he walks away but trips over his gigantic pants and probably-too big shoes and falls down in the process.  He's like Dumbo, only not adorable and charming.  And none of that actually happens but it should have.

Kelly then continues her tradition of pissing me off completely by saying to Brenda, "You know, I don't blame her.  You were pretty awful." I guess all of the shit Kelly talked behind Emily's back was just fine, since Emily didn't actually hear it.

Brenda admits that what she did was wrong and asks, "What should I do now?" I would suggest making note of what a snatch Kelly is and then finding a new group of friends to hang out with, but whatever.  Kelly tells her, "Find her.  Apologize.  And if that doesn't work, beg.  Meanwhile, I will be sitting here with Donna, talking some more mad shit about Emily and her syrupy-looking hair."

Inside.  Brenda catches up to Emily (wearing her leather daddy cap! YAAAASSSSS!) at her locker.

Emily turns around, seemingly near tears and with her guns fully on display in another oddly girly top with strands of pearls, and says, "Oh, look.  If it isn't the president of the West Beverly Welcoming Committee." Brenda admits, "Okay, I deserve that.  And anything else you want to say about me."

Emily informs her, "I don't have anything to say to you, Brenda." And then the scene goes on for far too long, with Brenda basically begging for Emily's forgiveness and Emily denying her, and Emily advising Brenda that she's a virgin and that she's only on The Pill to be prepared in case something happens (hopefully not that night on her date with Steve...just kidding! Who the fuck would go on a date with Steve???), and that she can't believe Brenda thought she slept with Dylan and on and on and on and I'm really kind of done with Emily until she comes back and roofies Brandon's drink with U4EA and dresses him up in her leather jacket and then becomes The World's Most Pathetic Stalker by picking Brandon to be the object of her obsession and the recipient of her possibly drug-laced baked goods.  Whatever, she agrees to sing with the girls.

Back out to the quad or whatever.  Can someone please water the goddamn grass?

FUCK.  Please - someone blind me.  Emily's at the mic and tells the audience, "We were gonna do a send up called 'Addicted to Clothes,' but it promoted your basic stereotype of what life is like in Beverly Hills instead of what's really important.  So we thought for you Freshmen out there, it might be better to do something a little more real, a little closer to the heart.  Okay, hit it." AND THEN...

...THIS IS EMBARRASSING AS FUCK.  Kelly, Brenda and Donna turn around all Supreme StyleZ, "singing" the riff from 'Breaking Up Is Hard To Do': "Dum-doobee-do-dum-dum, comma, comma dum doobee-do-dum-dum," and it's obvious to everyone, including the blind, deaf, indigent, Ugandians currently residing in Uganda, etc. that it's not them singing, because it's actually lip-synching...similar to, yes, this blight upon mankind.

And then Emily chimes in with the verse, 'Don't take your love, away from me...' and her voice is just a pile of pig shit.

Steve, who's had like, 3 lines the entire episode, PRAISE, and Dylan, continuing his tradition of being SO HANDSOME, come up through the crowd.

I see that drunk-looking brunette back there, ogling Dylan's Sideburns Of Steel with her eyes.  I feel you, Drunk-Looking Brunette Rando.  I feel you.

NOOOOO.

Nope.

MY INTESTINES.

Whatever.  I wasn't too fond of the last thirteen feet of my small bowel anyway.

So then we pan through the crowd over to these two, and Brandon, completely vagina-matized by Emily, asks AHHHHHHHNdrea, "Pretty talented, huh?" and AHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Yeah, she's gotta pretty good voice, I guess.  But can she write?" Please die, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  Please.

And then this happens.  No comment.  Except that you can actually read my commentary on this very behavior of Brandon's by looking at this picture from the previous episode here.

Over to this: Scott's hat and Scott walk up to David to apologize for being clueless, gun-wielding lunatics the day before.  Sadly, Scott also compliments the show and David's response is an ever-so-humble, "Yeah." What a turd.  David tells Scott, "You sure did change this summer," and Scott says, "I just went away for vacation.  I didn't change that much." David then says that maybe he was the one who changed and Scott agrees: "I know.  You're a big man around here now [AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!] and I'm still a geek." For the record, you're BOTH gigantic knobs.  Anyway, Scott suggests them hanging out the following week and David tells him that he'll call.  I say, "Or maybe you'll fucking see each other every day at school." Oh, and then David tells Scott before he walks away, "Cool it with the guns, will ya?" Don't worry, Big Dave.  In a matter of 6 episodes Scott will be dead and you'll mourn him for all of 20 minutes and then The End, you can go on your merry way being an utter life-sucking hanger-on who insinuates himself into some perceived higher echelon in the ever-so-important West Bev universe.  Whatever.

But seriously, this bit goes on for what feels like ETERNITY X INFINITY LAVOYNES.  They just. Won't.  STOP.  BUT.  There is one good thing to come out of it:

I mean.  COME ON.  Dylan getting all horndog hot for Brenda's little shimmy thing? Perfection.

The song finishes up and everyone cheers.  Because it's over? Yes, that must be it.  It's why I did several cartwheels, three backflips, kissed the ground and then motor-boated myself.

Back inside.  The three prostitutes and Emily and her has-to-be-a-joke-right? outfit round the corner as Donna says, "We were awesome." And then I'm all, "No, no you weren't." Kelly asks the others, "Did you hear that applause?" and I respond, "No, I was too busy muffling the sound with earplugs, cotton balls, two of my cats, and an oblong-shaped couch cushion duct taped around my head." Kelly then proclaims that she loved being up on stage performing and Brenda warns, "Oh, great she's bitten.  We're all in trouble now." Whatever.

Brenda then asks what Kelly and Donna are up to next and Kelly checks her watch and says, 'I'm supposed to meet my mom.  Oh my god, I'm totally late," and then Donna absurdly advises, "I'm babysitting." Uhhhhh.  Why the eff would Donna need to babysit? To add to her family's already overflowing Scrooge McDuck StyleZ money vault? I also really don't think Our Felice would allow Donna to participate in something as déclassé and peasanty as babysitting.  Anyhow.

So then it's just these two again, and looking at Emily's arms for this long is really making me want to do a bunch of chair dips.  HAHAHA! Just kidding.  I'll mostly continue to sit here on my can, sipping champagne and stuffing my talk-hole with a baguette, cheese and macaroons.  Anyway, Emily asks Brenda what she's up to, and Brenda tells her, "Oh, I don't know, I thought I'd go home, watch some T.V., study.  You know, I think Knots Landing is on tonight." Oh, you two.

Both girls turn to look down the hall and YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS.

Brenda, of course, has an immediate orgasm.

Emily nicely tells her, "Brenda, I know it's none of my business but I'm gonna say it anyway.  He's a helluva guy." Which I guess she figured out by cramming her tongue down his throat and then standing next to him at a barbecue.  Whatever.  I'm pretty certain Dylan's Sideburns Of Steel have claimed another victim.  So then she tells a girl she met all of 3 days prior, "Whatever you've got, don't throw it away."

Another shot of Our Dylan LOOK AT THE WAY HE'S FIDDLING WITH HIS SHIRT BECAUSE HE'S ALL NERVOUS MY LORD.

And then Brenda is as impressed with Emily's biceps as I am and gives one an appreciative squeeze.  And I've always liked this gesture.  Whether it was written in the script or not, it comes across as very natural and sweet because of Shannen Doherty's acting ability.

More YAAAAAASSSSSSS.  It's just like at the end of "Beach Blanket Brandon." Only non-sad this time.  And hot.  Even with that color-blocked, Steve-esque shirt involved.

And it's back on, bitches.  This is how it should be until THE END OF TIME but it totally won't be and I will continue to be enraged by it for the remainder of my days and then probably a lot after that if you believe in that kind of thing.

Fucking Make Out Point.  AH-GAYNE.  And there other cars there, which is revolting, like let's swap spit in front of a bunch of other people who are swapping spit so it's just one mondo orgy of people who get off on swapping spit in front of others who are swapping spit, in public.  Or perhaps I'm putting too much thought into it.

Brenda asks, "Dylan, can we start over?" and Dylan's all, "Fuck yeah," but really he asks, "From where? The beginning, middle, where we left off?"

Brenda then starts in on her ever-so-tired rhetoric re: being scared and that she needed time to think things out and that she realized she missed him and that she needed him.  And then she tells him, "What we've got is much more than just physical."

Dylan reassures her that he's not hanging around simply for her nookie and that he loves her.  She tells him the same, and then...

Hot Slut Make Out Action.  And their kisses aren't gross.  They're Hot Sluts Personified.

He then tells Brenda that nothing happened between him and Emily, mostly because once he saw her hair super-up close, he discovered a colony of marmot fleas living in there and was terrified he'd transmit Black Death or something.

Brenda says, "Look, Dylan, you were right.  It's none of my business.  Look, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for everything I put you through." Dylan then decides to melt hearts and Skene's glands everywhere by saying, "Whatever it took you to get you here, it was worth it."

More kissing.

Brenda tells him, "I missed this," and then the totality of universes near and far shriek in unison, "SO  DID WE." Dylan tells her that he missed it as well, and once more we go back to...

...the only really non-nauseating kissing that will ever go down on this show.  Enjoy it while it lasts, kids.  We've now got less than a season before some baby-voiced trick sinks her tiny mouth into Our Dylan, who then becomes Certainly Not Our Dylan and plummets to Just Another Douchebag Guy On This Show status.  Can't wait.

Pan up on Some Part Of Los Angeles Or Maybe Burbank? That I Don't Recognize.

Gather round next time for "Ashes to Ashes," aka, "Brandon Hates Black People, Part 75, Volume 7." Yes, Beverly Hills, 90210 brings us yet another episode about race relations, this time co-starring Vivica A. Fox and Vivica A. Fox's Original Face.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz, Google