(I will preface this one with HOLY MOLY, August-into-September has been a blur of work, a trip up to San Francisco to visit Benjamin [of Banana Walsh fame] for the long Labor Day weekend, my boyfriend going back to school and me having to safety-pin his mittens to his jacket and pack his lunches every morning and lay out his outfits every evening [none of that has actually happened] and my family coming for a visit here in L.A. Also: napping, talking to my cats about nothing in particular, napping some more, again, watching Seinfeld [shocker] and procrastinating the writing of this recap because...? No idea. I mean, other than San Francisco and my family's visit, my life is essentially a really, really uneventful, non-funny and pathetic version of Groundhog Day. Anyhow, once again, apologies on the delayed posting of this thing. I guess Emily Valentine's mere presence wasn't the kick in the pants I thought it would be. Or maybe her hair just really turned my stomach and gave me the night sweats with a side of cholera, I don't know. Whatever, without further ado, read on.)
In which Our Beloveds finally realize that they're really only truly Hot Sluts when they're together...which is a lie, seeing as Brenda continues to be a Hot Slut until the end of time and Dylan leaves his Hot Slut behind midway through Season 3...but I digress. We're also introduced to Emily Valentine and her Hair Of ALL Horrors, which for some reason brings all the boys to her greasy, messy, desperately-in-need-of-a-root-touch-up'ed yard. And finally: The Return Of Poor (Seriously, Where's The Gun?) Scott Scanlon! Now with 715% more Fucking Dork. But after some For Real Talk he lays down on David this episode, he may just replace Brenda in The Special Place in the cold, charred, coal-like substance that resides somewhere beneath my rib cage (i.e. my heart). It's on!
We open...at the BHBC?!? WHO THE WHAT. I thought we were done with this shit!
Psych! We totally are. This is just a dream. Which you can obviously tell seeing as women are coming onto Brandon. Anyhow, a waiter brings him a drink as these three skanks, who fell straight out of an episode of Just The Ten Of Us, rub their skank hands all over him and for some reason repeatedly kiss his cheek.
And then this delicate gardenia appears on the horizon, serving up some serious Kelly Bundy-level Essence Of Eleganté 1980s Video Vixen with those lace-front spandex booty-shorts and matching, midriff-baring, keyhole-in-the-shape-of-a-stretched-out-vadge top. And she rolls up, breathily repeating "Brandon" over and over, and by "breathily," I mean "mannishly" because girlfriend sounds like Morgan Freeman with a chest cold.
Brandon of course pops innumerable Woodrows and proceeds to lower his grodsky octagonal Claire's sunglasses and peers over the top of them at the exquisite Swarovski crystal coming towards him. But! Suddenly! Dream Dude's Girl's voice turns into Brenda's...
...and we cut to Brandon's bedroom inside H.O.W., as Brenda attempts to awaken her layabout brother with, "Get outta bed, pokey. You don't wanna be late for school, do you?"
Brandon rolls over with his schlong at full-mast, presumably, and he and Brenda talk about the anxiety dreams she's been having for the last week (including one where she shows up for class unclothed) in the lead-up to the first day of school.
Brenda doesn't think that there's anything for her to be nervous about, seeing as she and Brandon aren't the poorly-dressed-and-coiffed hayseeds fresh off the covered wagon from Minnesota like they were the previous year, and Brandon says that it's probably because it's the "first day of school. New classes. New teachers. Old boyfriends." Brenda asks, "What does that have to do with going to school nekkid?" and yes; Shannen Doherty seriously says "nekkid" and I love her for it. And then Brandon makes a non-joke with, "Right. Relax. You were probably just tryin' to make a fashion statement." Shut up, Brandon.
In which Our Beloveds finally realize that they're really only truly Hot Sluts when they're together...which is a lie, seeing as Brenda continues to be a Hot Slut until the end of time and Dylan leaves his Hot Slut behind midway through Season 3...but I digress. We're also introduced to Emily Valentine and her Hair Of ALL Horrors, which for some reason brings all the boys to her greasy, messy, desperately-in-need-of-a-root-touch-up'ed yard. And finally: The Return Of Poor (Seriously, Where's The Gun?) Scott Scanlon! Now with 715% more Fucking Dork. But after some For Real Talk he lays down on David this episode, he may just replace Brenda in The Special Place in the cold, charred, coal-like substance that resides somewhere beneath my rib cage (i.e. my heart). It's on!
