Part 4 of Season 3, Episode 8: The Back Story - It's here and it's a Boxing Day miracle.

Brush up on Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.  And then dive into what is most certainly my last recap of 2025.  And then rejoice in the thought that this cursed year is almost over.  And then remember that, while we still have a loooooooooong way to go, the 2026 midterms are mercifully less than a year away and we're going to fight like nobody's goddamn business to get this country back to some semblance of what it was before and what I know it can be again.  And then cry a lot because you've lost very important people in your life to this revolting cult this year and it makes you sadder than you've maybe ever been.  And then continue to be sad but wipe away the tears, set a goal to get into Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 shape and prepare to go to the fucking mattresses for democracy.
 

Ominous Pipe Organ moans us over to the McKay McPrison.

Inside some kind of lockup break room, Dylan sits at a table reading when Jack comes bounding in.

They greet each other as all incarcerated millionaire fathers and their brooding estranged sons do: with a heartwarming handshake.  Jack was expecting to see Dylan the following weekend; Dylan wanted to bring Jack some books.  But because Jack is a jailbird, he apparently has a lot of time on his hands and is able to keep a lot of dates in his head, so he knows that this particular weekend is SAT Weekend, so WTF is Dylan doing there?

Dylan sits back down and surf brahs, "I just thought I'd go check out the waves at Avila State Beach instead." How totally tubular.

Jack gives him a look and joins him at the table, saying, "If you wanna learn everything the hard way just like I did, you're entitled.  And you just wanna wait around, hang out, 'til your trust fund matures? Sounds good, huh?"

Dylan confirms, "Doesn't sound bad," and you know what, you guys? It really, really doesn't.

Jack then goes into his version of Little Poor Little Boy Who is Rich, which is basically subtitle: Make a Bunch of Money by, I Don't Know, Ponzi-Scheming People and Then They No Longer Respect You After You Bilked Them Out of Their Life Savings and They Will Now Die Penniless, a/k/a How to Scumbag Your Way Into Millions.

At this, Dylan stands all sassily and seethes, "That's right, I musta forgot who I was talkin' to.  You know everything about tryin' to buy respect, don't you, Dad? I mean, that's the reason for the big endowment to California University, wasn't it?"

Jack stands just as sassily and informs his son, "That's right...and it didn't work.  Because deep inside I knew I was a fraud." This prison must have an excellent therapy program for him to have come to this realization so quickly.  He relents a bit and adds, "Whether you go to college or not is your decision.  But if you bust your butt for four years and you get a degree nobody can take that away from you."

Dylan, visibly annoyed, spits out, "You and Jim Walsh have the same speechwriter." Jack replies, "I don't expect you to do anything just because I tell you to.  But if you really want the respect of the Jim Walshes in this world, you better earn it." Gross! Why would anyone want the respect of this man?:

I'm good, thanks.

Dylan says he'll keep it in mind...

...and then he bounces?  What an extremely brief and not-at-all-touching visit this was.

Part 3 of Season 3, Episode 8: The Back Story - My back? Aching. My story? Mostly boring with a *pinch* of despair.

(First, let's play catch up with Part 1 and Part 2.)

Unsure why this one took me so long.  Other than being mentally and creatively paralyzed because of every single thing happening in this country, I guess.

Back at it.

Inside Blaze Central Command, Brandon and Andrea sit on a table before...

...Mrs. T and her SHOULDER PADS from the set of Big Business, come to caution the Editor-and-Editrix-in-Chief about Back Story darkening the doorway of West Bev: "We had to escort a cameraman off the premises and they have a Winnebago parked on Alcott Drive." Okay, so not on school grounds, but just, like, parked on a patch of grass? Because that's for sure trespassing of some kind, no? To whom does that patch of grass belong? TO WHOMMMMM?

A pre-melting down Brandon nervously asks, "So no one asked for permission?" obviously harkening back to his earlier episode advice to Brenda and the fact that he absolutely knows she absolutely didn't heed it.

And Mrs. T is more than happy to confirm his fears: "No, they did not, probably because they knew we wouldn't give it to them.  So, please, put an announcement in the paper that we don't want any students cooperating with these people." Or...you could maybe...make an announcement over the PA, like, immediately? Have DJ Jazzy Dave do it.  And how often does The Blaze come out - bi-daily? With The Zuck at its helm, I wouldn't be surprised.

After they assure her that they can squeeze the warning into the next issue and Mrs. T takes her leave, Scary Synth begins and Andrea proclaims, "Ohh, I hate tabloid journalists.  They are the sleaziest," undoubtedly thinking back to her gritty, hard-hitting undercover piece about the sordid underbelly of *checks notes* school cafeteria cuisine, which set the high-brow journalistic standards The Blaze prides itself on each and every day.  She turns and notices Brandon's semi-stricken face and asks what's up.  He's all, "I gotta go talk to Brenda," and bounces.

Part 2 of Season 3, Episode 8: The Back Story - My back story? I'm very sleepy all of the time and slide into "uninspired" super easily which is why this one took decades (real time: 19 days) to complete.

Last week was a much-needed breath of fresh air.  This week is starting off on the completely wrong foot and I really need it to be last week again.  Anyway, here's a final product about which I'm not exactly thrilled but I literally couldn't write about this fifteen minutes of television anymore ever again.  So...enjoy?

Non-copyrighted slop plays us into a new day at West Bev.

Inside DJ Dave's Funky Fresh DJ booth, David quizzes Donna on SAT prep.  After she passes on a question, they have a cute-ish moment wherein David teases her and pretends to be a game show host, telling her that she's won "a trip to study hall! Yay!" Really: it was cute.  Or perhaps I forgot to turn off the gas after removing my head from the oven again.

They both gaze out the booth window and spot Brenda and Kelly against a locker bank, seemingly bickering, and Donna observes, "Look, they're at it again."

Out to the hallway we go: Brenda attempts to garner some consolation from Kelly - "Can't you at least be sympathetic to what I'm going through? I mean, you sound disappointed that I wasn't grounded" - but Kelly, who has already hurt Brenda in innumerable ways that she's yet to discover, isn't having it: "All I'm saying is, I'm glad your parents caught you."

Brenda asks her to keep her voice down, but too late: Dylan comes slithering up to stick his sideburns in the mix with, "Nope, too late for that.  What'd you do this time, Bren? Because I know I wasn't involved." I gotta say, the scenes with the three of them really skeeve me out on, like, a vascular level.  And I know it's only going to get worse and worse and I just don't believe my fragile, perimenopausal emotional state can take it.

Brenda denies that there's anything going on, and Dylan makes it extra-squicky by teasing, "If you don't tell me, Kelly will." Brenda finally cops to Jim and Cindy finding her cigarette pack but lies, "They wouldn't believe they weren't mine." Dylan offers, "Well, Bren, that's because nonsmokers don't usually carry cigarettes." Brenda's bummed that her boyfriend (rightfully) doesn't believe her either, and Kelly throws in an old chestnut from her days of pulling her mother out of puddles of her own sick: "The only thing worse than having an addiction is denying that you have one." And how.

Brenda insists, "I quit, okay.  Whether I was ever officially a smoker, I am now a nonsmoker, end of discussion," and then moves along quickly, turning to Dylan: "What I would really like to talk about is what time you're picking me up Saturday morning.  We should really get there 20 minutes before the [SAT] starts."

Dylan informs her that he's actually skipping the SATs and visiting Jack at Folsom Prison or wherever instead, and that he'll catch the test the next time around.  Brenda reminds him that he'll miss the college app deadlines; he doesn't seem to care; Brenda calls him frustrating; and Kelly feels the need to be the Pick-Me Girl of Dylan's dreams by scolding, "Brenda, it's not written in stone that everybody has to go right to college after they graduate high school." Talk to me a year from now when she's all rah-rah sis boom bah about higher education and sororities and frat guys and shitting on Dylan's lack of interest in anything collegiate.  WHATEVER.

Dylan thanks Kelly (genuine)...

...Brenda thanks Kelly (sarcastically), then stalks off...

...leaving these idiots...

...to exchange yet another lusty look and I sure hope David and Donna caught that (they did not).

Part 1 of Season 3, Episode 8: The Back Story - It's about to get sordid in the Hills of Beverly, yo.

Time for our latest installment of An Adult Tertiary Character Oversteps A LOT of Societal Boundaries With These Kids.

We're on a street...

...and then pan over to an office-type building...

...then head inside said building to a sign that reads "Albert B. Cooke SAT REVIEW COURSE SUITE 526." As you may recall, it was called "Alfred B. Cook" in the Season 1 episode "It's Only a Test," but who the fuck cares about continuity, I guess.  Maybe Albert is Alfred's brother who added an "e" to the surname to stand out in the world of standardized test preparation.

As we hear a monotone man begin to speak - "And you will look forward to the morning when you will awaken from a good night's sleep.  Bring your ID and your #2 pencils, and arrive at your SAT testing site approximately 20 minutes before the test begins" - we go into a classroom, wherein sits Kelly, zoning out...

...Brenda, looking attentive and gorgeous...

...David, with the jump scare in follicle form, Steve's hair, behind him...

...and as David leans over, there's Donna.  David whines re the arrive at your SAT testing site approximately 20 minutes before the test begins, "Why? So we can worry for an extra 20 minutes?" but Donna informs her incredibly stupid boyfriend, "No, so you don't have to worry about being late on top of everything else."

Steve, who only ever seems to butt himself into conversations, I assume because no one in their right mind wants to organically start one up with him, tilts forward and dispenses with the insults, as is his wont: "Relax, Eraserhead, you're a junior.  Come on, it's a piece of cake." I don't know if the "Eraserhead" is a slight about the shape of David's coiffure, but if so: THAT IS RICH.

The odd proctor/instructor man then provides them with his cultist mantra for the day of their testing: "Simply breath and bring yourself back to the sound of my voice saying, SDSM.  Scan, discard, select, move on.  Scan, discard, select, move on." This guy and his spooky, monotonous voice absolutely went on to form a Heaven's Gate-esque super-sect after this.

Lobby.  These hot broads.  Each dress is a dreamboat, then and now.

As they enter the area, this woman (whose name we soon learn is Beth) pops up from a chair with her Early '90s' Business Bitch dress suit and cute hair, cheerfully asking, "Excuse me, we're from KTMB TV.  Would any of you be willing to talk to us about the pressure you're feeling getting ready for college entrance exams?" We see the goatee with a cameraman attached stand up behind her.

The gals, looking like they would've been my favorite '90s' girls' group, exchange looks and sheepish smiles.

A while later, Steve enters the lobby, standing next to Kelly and asking, "What's goin' on?" She tells him, "Oh, just the local news"...

...and over to Brenda, standing front-of-camera, being interviewed by Beth.

BUT.  Steve spots ~sOmEtHiNg~ is amiss...

...which is an equipment bag with a logo on it that reads BACK STORY...

...and that's enough to set.  Steve.  OFF: "The hell it is!"

Angry Synth Drummage start up as he charges toward the filming, aggressively yanking the mic from Beth's hand, which is just a fantastic way to approach a woman, let me tell you.  Beth demands, "Can I have my mic back, please?"

And Brenda is scandalized: "Steve! What are you doing?"

Steve and The Very Hungry Caterpillar sitting atop his head have some seething to do: "Don't you know who these people are, Brenda? Did you ever hear of a sleazy tv show called Back Story? It's a junkathon news magazine that goes out of its way to ruin people's lives on national tv." Beth insists that's not the case, but ol' Mommy Issues over here sees it differently: "What about the story you ran on Samantha Sanders? That was a hatchet job if ever I've seen a hatchet job." Why were we robbed of seeing at least a CLIP of The BACK STORY of Samantha Sanders? I bet it mostly involved her voicing sheer terror over the advancing crimescape mullet growing out of her recently adopted infant son's head.

Kelly rushes up to whisk Steve away with, "Let's just get outta here."

David and Donna follow suit, him saying, "Come on, man, don't waste your breath," and Donna adding a sassy, "Really," capped with a filthy look thrown in Beth's direction.

Speaking of, she requests her mic back once more and Steve complies, but with a lovely side salad of a potential threat of violence: "Next time I'll break it.  And your camera, too."

After the towheads + DJ Dave exit, Brenda explains to Beth, "Samantha Sanders is his mom.  He's very protective of her." Beth understands, then wishes Brenda good luck on her SATs.  Don't worry: Beth will be back in a few minutes to be yet another fully grown-ass adult who inappropriately interacts with a minor on this show.  What fun.