They're all deeply unwell. Let's dive in and point and laugh at them.
We begin here: inside David's camera view (filthy), panning through a hospital window into a nursery where a nurse is doing nurse-like things with soon-to-be nursing babies. Nurse. And then David's Voice Over starts up and ruins everything, as always: "There were hundreds of babies born in Los Angeles County two days ago. Black babies, white babies, big babies, and small babies. But only one baby so special that she'll go through life with the name..."
...and then an RN who's just trying to do her goddamn job - i.e. take care of the progeny of the wealthy and disrespectful - blocks David's shot of Baby [a 32-year-old SPOILER ALERT for anyone who cares, which is no one] Erin in her bassinet and he whines, "Damn it lady, get outta there!" something he's most likely heard Mel shout in their home many, many times, at various dental hygienists in the wee morning hours, probably following an evening of scaling and root planing their vaginas.
Cut to Kelly, David and David's predatory video camera standing at the window. He bitches, "I gotta do it one more time!" and Kelly reminds him that the baby will be home the next day and that, "At this point, the only way anybody can tell it's a girl is because they wrap it in a pink blanket." She fails to add that he's a fucking plague upon film-making in general and the world specifically.
The latter of which he proves by, in the tradition of true pig-slop deviants everywhere, smirking and saying, "I got news for you, Kel. That's not the only way they can tell it's a girl." THAT'S YOUR SISTER YOU SWINE. I guess it's just in keeping with the interbred overtones this show loves to spotlight, and the depravity of the City of Beverly Hills on the whole.
Walsh, House of.
In the Lair, standing at a mirror, Jim straightens his tie and puts the finishing touches on his daily sartorial tribute to one Gordon Gekko; Cindy musses with her hair and wishes she were dead because guess what her clinically insane husband is going on about at 7 a.m.: "What we've got here is a manipulative little girl who is spoiled rotten to the core!" As someone who also suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, I implore Jim to seek out some sort of weekly behavioral therapy sessions and maybe a hero's dose worth of daily Zoloft and Buspirone. Before Cowardly Lion-ing herself out of the French doors and over the balcony's edge, Cindy speaks the gospel: "I can't listen to this anymore!"
So will Jim, most certainly the Treasurer and Co-VP of the Beverly Hills Men's Rights Activists' Association, take heed and calm the fuck down and maybe listen to his wife for once? OF COURSE NOT. Take it away, Jim!: "Honey, I don't blame you! If anything, I blame myself. All those years, she was 'Daddy's little bunnyfish.' Whatever Brenda wanted, Brenda got. Kisses and hugs. No questions asked. No wonder she has no respect for parental authority. She's out of control, OUT OF CONTROL!!!!" I'd say the person currently shrieking "OUT OF CONTROL" in his wife's face is, perhaps, the only one "out of control" here, and also, this is a man who is undeniably emotionally ill-equipped to continue whatever high-powered CPA job he currently holds and his employer should be alerted immediately.
But unfortunately, Cindy believes that trying to reason with a brick wall works: "She is in perfect control! And she has been ever since you decided to go to war with Dylan McKay. Stomping around the house, threatening to use the full extent of the law, that's not gonna bring our family back together again!" Preach, lady.
Jim, however, CONSUMED with thoughts of his daughter's segggs-ual relations, can only reply with, "I just can't sit back and do nothing, knowing that she's shacked up with that guy." Cindy, who has far more patience than I, asks, "What do you propose we do about it? Lock her in a chastity belt, keep her in her room until we're ready to become grandparents?" Jim responds, "For starters." James Eckhouse seems like a likable person so he almost sold that line and made me laugh with his delivery there. Anyway, they're going to give the stalemate a few more days to see how it shakes out and I'm sure Cindy is looking forward to at least a few more mental collapses and spittle-drenched tirades from Jim in the meantime.
Craftsman living room and Brenda is vacuuming with a vacuum that looks like it's from 1937 but is probably from 1989.
As are her headphones.
Dylan arrives to be a (very handsome) prick, telling her not to clean until he's gone on his inexplicable day out?? Like truly, what VIP errands is a 17-year-old running across the greater Los Angeles area? He tells her he may or may not be going to the beach, so??? I guess this is all a part of Dylan's Mysterioso persona, but at the wizened age of I'm Old, if I were Brenda, I would tell him to a) show some respect; and b) get fucked.
After she asks when he'll be home, he snipes at her some more - "Tonight, don't worry about it" - then apologizes and says, "Even on good days, I can be a bear in the morning. But I do love you, you know that." For some reason, she fails to pull a tiny gun out of her pocket and play target practice with his sideburns in this moment.
He then gets re-annoyed after she COMPLETELY REASONABLY asks him to pick up laundry detergent and something for them for dinner and then pulls this wAcKy "I'm so put upon by my hag girlfriend" face. Bitches, amirite, fellas?
BHBC. Some B-roll from last season's Summer Episodes.
Over to Tori from Saved by the Bell attempting to unfold a beach chair...
...and - puke - Steve, TOPLESS - double-puke - carrying a basketball and wearing indecently micro dolphin shorts, spots and observes her...
...then approaches with a swagger, all, "They stuck you with a temperamental lounge chair, huh?" This scene is entirely unbelievable, not only because a female homo sapien living in the world wouldn't be charmed by him in the slightest, but also because the word "temperamental" is absolutely not in Steve's vocabulary
So she makes a snide comment about the BHBC being a run down dump that isn't able to afford working beach chairs, and then Steve crouches down to try to fix it and show her some hole. Don't stare directly into those undoubtedly exposed genitals, Tor. That's some Eye of Mara shit right there.
He maintains super-concerning unbroken eye contact with her as he fiddles with his fluff-cycle pubes the chair, eventually declaring, "This puppy's worthless." And no, he's not looking into a mirror when he says that. He invites her to set up shop next to him instead and introduces himself, she responds with, "I'm Rory" (it's pronounced "Tori," Tori), he oozes, "Yes, you are," and licks his lips and my mouth fills with bile and at least a pint of my own blood.
Over at a beach-side table, Donna, David and Kelly sit eating, Donna mewling, "This is so weird. This is just like nostalgia...this is our very last farewell-to-the-Beach-Club burger." Kelly tells her that they're not leaving for Paris for three days and Donna admits, "I know, I just have so much packing to do...maybe I shouldn't be going." Kelly asks if she's getting cold feet again; Donna says she doesn't even speak French; and David once again ruins all by saying, "Studying in Paris for six weeks is a très cool concept."
It apparently gets Donna's motor running, however, because she tells him how much she's going to miss him and they start tonguing each other...
...while Kelly makes the exact same reasonable and repulsed face that I do in response to their cursed saliva swap.
And here comes Mizztress Walsh! Sauntering along the walkway as if her husband didn't just utterly humiliate the entire family in front of a good portion of Beverly Hills society mere days ago.
Kelly spots her and asks the other two, "Are Brenda and her parents back on speaking terms yet?" and as David breathes into her eyebrow as some sort of demonic foreplay, Donna distractedly says, "Hardly, why?"
Cindy arrives table-side, greetings are exchanged, and she asks after the baby and Jackie, to which Kelly says, "She's tired, but then, I guess you know what it's like having kids," which is such an odd way to put it, but whatever, it was just an excuse for Cindy to squinch up her face and bitterly add, "Yes, in fact I do." Seems Cindy's been picking up a few bitchery tips from Jim and I don't like it all. She inquires if they've seen Brandon..
...and we jump over to him Billy Baldwin-ing his way through the Club, asking a crowd of guests, "Excuse me, they said somebody got locked out of their cabana?"
Cue Not Tori, sheepishly saying, "I think I'll die of embarrassment now." We're meant to believe this is Tori, but it's actually her twin, because this show never met a kOoKy twin-related story line it didn't love and then adopt and then belabor into fine granules of quark.
They lightly flirt - she asks, "Can you ever forgive me?" and he responds with, "It'll be tough, but I think I can rise to the occasion," likely referencing the half-chub situation currently happening in his BHBC-issued shorts - and then Brandon follows her to her cabana and makes this face because being a leering horndog was considered an endearing personality trait in the late-1900s. See also: Morris, Zack.
Over to Brandon rushing up to Steve, who sits at a table, baking in the hot, hot sun - still topless and with a chest now the color of a ripened red plum - sipping espresso...?? and reading the newspaper...???? They certainly seem to be trying to buck the whole Steve sure is a Himbo image this episode, aren't they?
And now we arrive at the sheerest stupidity ever conceived. Brandon starts by reciting a poem he just came up with: "'Don't look now, the summer has begun, the babes have just landed, and guess who just landed one?'" It's here that he should've been sniped by an unseen marksman positioned atop the BHBC roof, but instead they have a really revolting conversation about the girls they've individually bagged for the day (Steve uses the phrases "stud mania" and "earthquake material" to give you a gut-lining-destroying taste) and after comparing notes, they come to the conclusion that they're dating the same girl...
...which is Tori here, who's actually Not Tori (and no, you're not alone in being dejected by the brainlessness of this whole blighted subplot), which they'll learn in mere moments, but first!:
Steve throws a mini-fit, telling Brandon, "Fine, she's yours, you go out with her. I'm not gonna compete with you over a girl. I know what she's gonna say; I've been down that road before. She's gonna say..." and before he can finish that sentence with, "...while you're both repugnant and absolute earthworms, I'm going with Brandon because his hair is light years better than yours"...
...Tori walks by and says, "Hey, Steve, how you doin'? See ya in a coupla hours"...
...and then these morons turn and look back toward...
...Not Tori, lying down on a beach chair, waving. Oh, the humanity high jinks!
Steve lowers his sunglasses while Brandon smiles like a cheesedick and waves back at her...
...and then more snaps are pulled and this gruesome twosome should be on some kind of no-fly list for civilization.
After work, Brandon pushes a laundry cart and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea holds a clipboard, which I'm pretty sure she uses as a masturbation aid. She tells Brandon about how the "hip" thing among the Beach Club tykes is coming up with rhyming nicknames for everyone and that hers is "AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Schmandrea" because those children also think she's a total downer worthy only of a total bummer of a moniker. Smell ya later, Schmandrea.
After she leaves, Cindy, whose whole day is apparently lurking around the Club, approaches her son with a, "Fancy meeting you here." He tells her that, "I just don't think of you and Dad as members yet, I'm sorry," and asks, "When's [Jim] finally gonna show his ugly mug down here?" Cindy does not answer with, "When the charges of disturbing the peace are dropped," but rather, "Not until we find a way to break this impasse with Brenda." TL;DR: she gently cajoles Brandon into agreeing to infiltrate the McKay Craftsman on a reconnaissance mission, which I'm sure will go over just swimmingly and Jim won't stick his beak in and wreak havoc on the plan at all.
OBoT.
Inside, Kelly, on the phone with Donna, pokes her head in the nursery to ask Jackie about Donna borrowing some tan sports sack Jackie used to smuggle her blow around in for Paris. Jackie, already regretting this whole geriatric oopsie baby adventure, agrees and says, "Why not? I'm not going anywhere."
Kelly hangs up with her friend, then kneels down next to Jackie and Erin and is taken aback: "Oh my god, you're nursing. That's...so maternal instinct." Jackie says, "That's me." Oh, we know, girl.
Jackie then hands over her little bundle of burden to Kelly, who says she smells like toast. Hey! So do my cats! Kelly coos, "Hi, baby. I'm your sister. Can you say Kelly? Can you?"
Immediate cut over to the Craftsman dining room, where Brenda and Dylan sit at the table, Dylan digging into something on his plate as Brenda glares at him. He asks, "You want half this burrito, babe? It's really good."
Tersely, she tells him, "I'm not really into frozen lard and hydrogenated bean oil." He twists her words from earlier and says, "Did you or did you not tell me I could get anything I wanted?" She says that she also advised that they needed laundry detergent, and he sneers, "If you were so desperate, why didn't you go to the store?" and it's at this point she should have brought the tiny handgun back out and blasted him in the burrito.
They screech a few additional things back and forth - "You should've walked!" "I would've walked, but you told me you were going!" - and then the doorbell rings. Dylan angrily wipes his mouth, throws down the napkin and heads to open the door.
To this. Talk about a letdown.
After they just stand there, brooding and silent, he asks, "Did I come at a bad time?"
But Dylan begins his exit: "I was just on my way to the store. I gotta get some detergent," and after Brenda asks if Brandon's hungry, Dylan smarms, "There's a killer bean burrito in the freezer in there," and smirks at Brenda and pats Brandon on the shoulder and leaves to hopefully go walk into the freshly sharpened blades of a small grain swather.
After she slams the door behind him, Brandon asks, "How you doin'?" and she gives him a stoic and very unconvincing, "Couldn't be better."
Lair. Cindy and Brandon sit on the bed as he spills the intel: "So she's lookin' me straight in the eye, tellin' me how wonderful everything is, and I can tell she's lyin' through her teeth. But when I press her on it, she gets up and starts washin' the dishes."
Jim emerges from the bathroom brushing his teeth and wearing a cult-adjacent pajama set that sent a chill down my spine. He asks, "You say she and Dylan are fighting? How do you know that? Without compromising your neutrality." Because this nightmare human cares AT ALL about integrity. But Brandon, as preoccupied with Brenda's potential copulation as his father, says, "Let me put it to you this way, Dad: Dylan's sleeping by himself on the couch." Jim breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Thank god for small favors." He is fully FIXATED on that uterus, you guys.
Cindy asks if Brenda asked about her and Jim, to which Brandon tells her, "No, not really. She said something about digging in her heels but I think if you held out and olive branch she might just come around."
Jim, who should really think about shutting the fuck up, does exactly what I predicted above and torpedos Cindy's plan: "And do what? Forgive us? For all the terrible things we haven't done? From what you're saying, to convince Brenda to come around will take a court injunction or a miracle worker." This litigious little bitch just loves throwing around threats of legal action and probable jail time.
Cindy's only response is to groan and roll her eyes because she loathes her husband and his frightening, Heaven's Gate-coded jammies.
Fade to the Taylor Nursery. Jackie enters, clearly post-bender, blearily looking into the crib.
No baby! But don't worry: Jackie didn't forget it in the car after arriving home from scoring some tina.
Kelly sits with her in the corner, and tells Jackie that she came in to change her diaper. She also apparently took a bunch of drugs because she goes into this convoluted diatribe about life, love, and the unspoken pursuit of her best friend's boyfriend happiness: "I was rocking her and she looked up at me, it was like, I started thinking, this is the miracle of life. I'm holding the perfect essence of the universe right here in my arms...what really blows me away...look at her. She looks exactly like me. And that's because she's my sister. And you're my mom. This is my family. And I'm a major part of it for the very first time in my life. And I don't wanna miss any part of that. And that's why...I'm not going away for the summer."
And to that I say: thanks for laying waste to Brenda's life and completely altering the trajectory of the show, Baby Erin. This is all your fault.
Join me back here for Part 2, wherein the men go full Smooth Brain and I nearly self immolate after having to listen to every noxious sentence that they diarrhea out of their mouths. A true treat for the cochleas.
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