Season 2, Episode 17: Chuckie's Back - Sick And Tired Of Christmas-Related Everything At This Point? Oh. Well. This is Awkward. My Timing On These Is Flawless As Always.

In which Steve adopts a child television actor named Bucky and Donna and David do the worm at a dance something-something.  I don't know.  You should probably read ahead to find out if either of those things are true.

As is the tradition, we open with a Sweet Ghee-tar Lick and a pan-down to the front of West Beverly.

Obligatory Rando Extras' shots...

...including one of this Urkel/Dwayne Wayne-hybrid dude wearing a suit and tie and talking into a phone that's cord is coming out of a briefcase?  Is this real life???

We continue with shots of things such as the Mushroom-Headed Band Loser as David's pipsqueaky voice chimes in over the P.A. system, to the detriment of everyone's ear drums: "Yo, West Beverly.  Don't forget West Beverly and Beverly get together this Friday for the annual Winter Dance starting at 8 p.m. in the West Beverly gym.  Be there." How sucky.  No, I don't mean David's voice, even though yes, it is sucky, but the "suck" I'm referring to is the fact that West Bev has to share a dance with another school.  Their rival, no less.  I only care because I'm a total life failure.

Into the hallway, we have Donna (wearing something very beige and bland and sleep-inducing), Kelly (wearing a cute, if not slightly dated-looking shirt) and Brenda (looking okay in a so-so blazer and a headband I would like to burn right off her gorgeous head of hair) walking through a doorway as some garland falls from above, Kelly expositing, "God, I'll be glad when finals are over." Donna doesn't know how the school can expect them to take finals, "when we have Christmas shopping to do." Ahh, Ye Olde Timey days before internet shopping.

They talk some more about finals before moving the conversation over to what to wear to the Winter Dance as they congregate at Donna's locker.  Kelly suggests to Donna, "Why don't you wear a big sign that says, 'I'm here with David Silver, but I'm really still available.'" Donna's not in the mood to be reminded of her God-awful taste in dudes and she tells Kelly, "We are just friends," and then no one believes her because her pants are currently on fire.  Also: Kelly needs to give me her bag like, now.

Over to Brandon Cool Guy-leaning against the staircase banister as Steve comes down and erotically breathes into his ear, "Big, big, big, big dance Friday night."

And then, cripes, after Steve asks if he's going to the dance, Brandon delves into his ever-so-tired rhetoric of I Don't Dance, even though we've all been subjected to...well, how many times must I remind you:

Yeah.  And maybe, then, it's not so much that Brandon Won't Dance; it's that he was banned by society from dancing ever, ever, ever again following the above display which clearly signified End Of Days.

Steve informs his elfin friend that, "It's just called a dance! You don't actually have to dance," and then he does this:

Like sort of shimmies and it was kind of funny and WHO AM I AND WHAT HAVE I BECOME.  I can feel myself developing a soft spot for Steve and MAKE IT STOP.

Anyway, Steve informs Brandon that he was thinking of asking Kelly to the dance and that, "I think she deserves another chance." Yes! Yes! Say more things like that! Those kinds of things do wonders for my I Hate Steve Sanders life motto.  Brandon's all, "You're giving her another chance? Isn't she the one who broke up with you?" Steve, deluded as usual: "Yeah.  But I forgave her."

Over to Kelly looking at some bulletin board.  Steve comes up behind her and places his grubby paws over her eyes, all, "Guess who?"

She turns around with, "Hi, Steve," and he asks, "What gave it away? My scent? My touch?" and then she wins HUMANITY and says, "Actually, it was your sweaty palms." I've never loved anything more than I love Kelly in this instant.  And it gets even better when he says, "Be nice or I'll go away," and she tells him, "You're making it too easy." Oh, Kelly.  Too bad you're mostly a slag who I hate, but I appreciate that we can have moments like this where you're my hero.

She heads into a classroom, Steve following along and asking, "Hey, Friday night - what do ya say? You and me?" She tells him she has a date and he piggishly demands, "So break it." WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY.  Aaaaaaaaaand, I'm back to hating Steve.  Just like that.  She tells him she won't break it, and when he asks who it's with, she fills him in: "Chuck Wilson."

He steadies himself and his Cindy Walsh for J. Jill lady-blouse on the desk and gets all testosterone-y and bent out of shape and says, "Nice thing to tell me before I take a history final." She asks, "What was I supposed to do? He asked me." Steve's all, "Of course he did." (Sidebar: are we being "treated" to an Easter egg of The Green Shirt That Will Never Fucking Die by the guy sitting in front of Kelly?????)

Kelly, who can steal Dylan all she wants (no! No, she can't; I didn't mean that) again takes the gold with the following: "You know, Steve, you are not the center of everybody's universe," - YAS - "What makes you think that Chuckie was thinking of you when he asked me to the dance?" Steve says that he knows Chuckie better than her and that Chuckie doesn't care about her.  What Chuckie should care about is getting a new name because seriously? Chuckie? Fucking terrible.

She asks why him has to ruin it every time a guy shows interest in her (because he's a giant, self-centered prick?) and he foreshadows for us, "To me, Chuck Wilson isn't just any guy."  Ooo, intrigue.  Or the exact opposite of that.

Thank God Donna's there to tell Steve that they're about to take a final, and could he please fuck off and die? I mean, she should also say that to David at some point during this episode and she doesn't, but at least she gives Steve the what for here so that's something, I guess.

Then we're outside somewhere, Steve regaling Brandon with the Kelly-Chuckie news, saying, "If I flunk history, you can thank Chuckie Wilson for me." I think you're perfectly capable of failing history all on your own, guy.  But way to find a scapegoat.  We get the following painful exchange: Brandon - "You don't even talk to Chuck Wilson.  What is he to you?" Steve - "You don't know who he is, do ya? You don't watch nearly enough T.V." So, so painful.  Also, I like Brandon's shirt here, although the way it's styled, all unbuttoned almost to the hem but also tucked in, is horrifying.  But we all did it, so whatever.  And it goes without saying but Steve's blouse/pleated pants situation? Is an unprecedented atrocity.

We cut over to a television set playing The Hartley House, where Hot Bitch Samantha Sanders is playing Mary Jo Hartley and That Kid Who Was In EVERYTHING In The Early '90s (e.g. Pet Sematary, Kindergarten Cop, Full House, etc.) is playing the actor who's playing Little Chuckie Wilson, who's called Chuckie on Hartley and also in real life? I guess.  Anyway, Mary Jo tells Little Chuckie (I cannot), "Whoa, cowboy!" as he jumps all over the couch like a real asshole.

Over to Brandon and Steve, watching the show in Steve's bedroom that, much like Brandon's dancing, indicates the rapture.  Brandon asks, "Chuck Wilson was the little kid on your mom's T.V. show?" and Steve says, "Mm-hmm.  He's as obnoxious now as he was then." More so than you? Because that's pretty obnoxious.  Steve goes on to tell Brandon that Chuckie's gotten himself thrown out of every private school in Los Angeles.  Yet again we're getting a taste of Kelly's just stellar judgment skills when it comes to guys.

Back on the T.V. screen, this little monster is at a table, diving maw-first into a birthday cake.  Mary Jo comes in and sees this and does not fly into a full-fledged RAGE as any normal human would do, but rather, she calmly asks, "Chuckie, what are you doing? That's your daddy's birthday cake." He tells her, "I was just testing it to make sure it was good." All she says in response is, "Oh," and then she kneels down and kisses his cheek rather than backhanding him into the refrigerator behind them as she should have.  Steve, who should have a pretty high tolerance for gross things, given that he looks in the mirror every morning and sees his wardrobe, walks away from the T.V. and advises Brandon, "I think I'm gonna be sick." Brandon insists that Chuckie, "was just some stupid little kid."

Steve wholly disagrees: as he pulls tacky-ass darts out of his tacky-ass dart board that's next to his giant, tacky-ass thousand-dollar-bill wall hanging, that's also probably hung not too far from his tacky-ass neon Chevrolet - The Heartbeat of America sign in his tacky-ass room, he explains that when he was little he'd get stuck hanging out with Chuckie: "He'd hit me, bite me, pull my hair," - which is quite a feat, not getting his fingers all tangled up in Steve's Chinese finger trap tendrils and all - "break my toys, and every time, I'd be the one who'd get blamed."

Brandon wants to know why all of these negligent, soul-less Hollywood-types would allow some garbage person child actor to get away with murder and Steve gives Brandon the low-down: "Because he's a star...a little five-year-old with an attitude.  And if he didn't get his way, he wouldn't go on.  A lotta millions rode on that cute smile of his, so no one much cared if little Steve-O was crying." He further explains that his mother "went along with it.  It was all part of the job: know your lines, be nice to Chuckie." Brandon's all, "Come on, it was 10 or 12 years ago." Or 35 years ago, given that Steve is 41.  Brandon suggests that Chuckie might've changed since then but Steve tells him that Chuckie quoted the masterpiece, Child's Play 2, when he first arrived at West Bev: "'Watch out, Steve-O.  Chuckie's back.'" So I think what we're to derive from this is that Chuck Wilson is a piece of shit child star and also super weak when it comes to one-liners.

Blah blah Steve tells Brandon that a Hartley House reunion is in the works no one cares blah, here's the moment we've all been waiting for: Hot Bitch Samantha Sanders! Seriously, though, she is very pretty.  She reminds me of an older Michelle "I Don't Care That She's Been Nominated For Oscars And Whatever, She'll Always Be Jen Lindley To Me" Williams.

(Also, there totally should've been a The Moms Of West Bev spinoff of 90210 that was centered around Cindy, Samantha, Jackie, and Felice.  And I guess Iris could've made the occasional appearance, flying into L.A. to throw some of her wacky, pineapple-mountain wisdom into the mix.  I would've watched the shit out of that show.)

Brandon congratulates Samantha on the potential reunion show and she's all, "Don't fucking jinx it, small fry." But really, she says, "We may even get a T.V. movie.  If Charles agrees to it." Steve calls him, "Little Chuckie" again, my fingers cripple up into a fist and then turn to dust and blow away from having to type that moniker once more, I then teach myself to type using just the stumps of my wrists which is what I'm doing at this very moment as Samantha pleads, "Whatever you do, gorgeous, do not call him that at dinner tonight." I know some are grossed out by it but I actually always liked that Samantha's nickname for Steve is "gorgeous." Even with his hair like that and everything.  It just just goes to show you how very blind a mother's love is.  Steve says that he'll be eating at Brandon's but his mother begs to differ: "I know you two have had your differences, but this really means a lot to me."

We fade to an exterior shot of the Sanctum Of Sanders, which was built in the same vein as the Office Building Of Taylor.

The bell rings and Steve opens the door to find Chuckie, who looks like a total smarm douche and is wearing a hideous women's sweater.  I can already tell that I hate this guy more than I hate Brandon.  Which is to say, a lot.

Chuck asks if Steve's going to the dance and that, "Kelly and I will be really hurt if you don't show." And then he scuzzes out a line about Kelly being "a really great first date" and not only do I not have hands anymore I no longer have temples, seeing as they blew themselves out of my head as soon as this pint-sized turd opened his mouth.

Steve makes to throw Chuckie out of the house, mostly for just existing, but Samantha (looking flyyyyyyyyyyy as fuck, I might add) comes down the stairs to greet the little weasel, who ass-kisses, "You look fabulous, Mom."  I mean, it's clearly gospel but I fucking can't even with this guy.  They hug and Samantha schmoozes, "Oh, it's good to see you." And then her nose grows 3 feet in length seeing as she just told the biggest lie of her life.

H.O.W.

Inside, Cindy, Jim, Brenda and Kelly set the dining room table for dinner.  They're in the middle of some conversation about The Hartley House as Cindy's telling Jim, "No, Hartley House is where they had two teenagers, and then one year they had a little baby." And then Kelly adds, "Yes, and the next season he was suddenly 3 years-old." Brenda explains, "And that little kid was Chuckie Wilson.  That's who Kelly's going out with." She also adds, because she's obviously recently experienced a retinal detachment, as evidenced by that headband and what she says next, "He's very adorable."

Cindy reminds Jim that when the kids were small, she used to say that Brandon looked just like Little Chuckie.  As founding member and President of the I Hate Brandon Walsh Society, even I will say, without a doubt, Brandon is INFINITY times cuter than Chuckie.

A sentiment he seems to agree with as he appears in the foyer at the moment, saying, "I did not."

Brenda's all, "Oh, come on, Brandon, remember you had that cute little cowlick?" and then OF COURSE Brandon has to act inappropriately with his sister, YET AGAIN, by standing directly behind her, like, body-to-body and with his hands on her waist and Jesus fucking Christ, this family is so fucked up.  Brenda, numb to her brother's jacked-up advances towards her, asks, "Is this guy really as bad as Steve says he is?" The City Of Los Angeles collectively answers, "YES"...

...but Kelly's response is, "Well, I've known Steve and Chuckie since elementary school.  Just because they've always wanted to kill each other doesn't mean I have to choose."

Shot of the Walshes throwing Kelly some major judgment.

Kelly: "Does it?" No, it doesn't.  You can do whatever you want.  First and foremost I would suggest making an appointment with a therapist to discuss your terrible choices in guys and how you might start to make better decisions in that arena.

Back at the Sanctum.  Samantha walks Chuckie to the front door.  He calls her "Mom" again, she somehow manages not to projectile fecal vomit all over the foyer, he tells her that the dinner was great and she tells him to call her the next day: "We have lots to talk about."

Chuckie agrees and then tells Steve, "I'll give Kelly your regards, okay, pal?" I get that he's just trying to get under Steve's skin, but what, are you married to Kelly, dude? Seriously, this guy needs decades of work on his shade-throwing skills.

After the door closes on Chuckie's retreating figure, Samantha turns around and reads her son the riot act: "I want an apology and an explanation for your behavior this evening.  You were incredibly rude!" Steve paces the living room: "I don't believe this.  Nothing changes.  Nothing! This is the way it's always been - you siding with him!" Samantha insists that it's "business," and that the entire reunion show hinges on some wormy-looking asshole agreeing to do it.  Um, hullo? Does no one remember A Very Brady Christmas? They replaced Susan Olsen-as-Cindy with our very own grifter-friend, Gwendolyn Pierce! Chuckie could easily be swapped out with some other douchey actor-type with a face that's just begging to be repeatedly rammed into a credenza.

He asks why she can't put him first for a change and she's all, "Because look at your fucking hair," but really, "Oh, Steve, gorgeous.  You always come first with me.  You know that.  Why do you think I worked so much when you were a little boy? I was a single mother, I needed to support this family." Steve's all, "Nahhhhhh," because he knows that she loved being the star of The Hartley House.  She informs him that the reunion show could lead to syndication and truck loads of money, because he clearly needs more than he already has.  She tells him he wouldn't have to worry about college and he says, "Dad's got that covered!" Oh, how I wish Rush Sanders made an appearance on this show before the 4th season.  He would also be included in The Moms Of West Bev, by the way, as the ex-husband Samantha just can't seem to stay away from.  And to confirm your suspicions: Yes, I have a lot of time on my hands, as well as a lot of undiagnosed mental issues.

Anyway, Samantha goes off!: "Oh, please! Don't start depending on his promises! You're my son, and I am looking out for your future! That's the way it's gonna be!" He apologizes but explains that Chuckie always presses his buttons.  She tells him not to allow it, and that, "You were always the one who was more mature." Seriously? Chuckie must have the brain capacity of an aborted fetus, then.  She pleads that Steve also apologize to Chuckie, "Be nice to him.  For both of us." No one believes that's actually going to happen, right? Right.

West Bev, the next day.  This walking razor burn of the genitals rushes into the Blaze office, classroom, whatever, approaching Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea with, "Have I got a story for you.  Entertainment Tonight says there may be a Hartley House reunion show.  And with Chuck Wilson goin' to school here, I think it's worth an interview." Brandon thinks he's fucking Seymour Hersh and tells him, "Griffin, the Blaze doesn't run celebrity puff pieces," because OH I FORGOT, the Blaze is the goddamn Washington Post and FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU.

Ahem.  John says that it's not a puff piece and that child stars are "a weird breed," and when AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea stupidly says, "Chuck Wilson doesn't seem particularly screwed up to me," John points out, "He got thrown out of his last three schools; there's a story there." This scene goes on for far too long, and in the end, it's decided that Brandon will interview Chuckie, mostly because AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea wants to diddle Brandon and thinks she might get closer to his dick by giving him assignments undeservedly.

Hallway.  Chuckie stands at his locker as Brandon approaches.  Brandon introduces himself and asks to write a piece about Chuckie for the Blaze.  What an honor.  Chuckie acts the douche and says that, "I'll get my publicist to send over a bio and my press pack," and then there's some non-funniness with the tired line "I'll have my people call your people" and then these two decide to go outside and talk and then hopefully one of them will rumble in the bushes with someone.  Hopefully.

Outside under a tree somewhere.  Chuckie's yammering on with, "Samantha Sanders was like a mom to me.  I mean, she kept me in line, and she taught me so much about acting and the business.  And she and Steve were like family," and his voice is just slathered in pukey, disingenuous dick-cheese.

Brandon, surprised, given what Steve's already told him, asks, "So you and Steve got along?" Chuckie crosses his fingers with a, "We were like this,  I loved him like a brother."

Steve sashays up at that moment and isn't that the same blouse he was wearing the day before? Dude likes a paisley print, I guess.  He sassily places his hands on his hips, all, "Excuse me, I hope I'm not interrupting anything." Brandon explains that he's just about done with Chuckie, who informs Steve that, "I was just telling Brandon my life story.  You were a part of it." Steve claps back, "Unfortunately." And then these two continue to swat at each other, Steve not-really-apologizing for the previous night and Chuckie calling him a jerk.

We get this shot of Brandon going to turn off the tape recorder he was using for the interview, but since he senses an impending slap-and-tickle fight is about to go down, he thinks better of it and leaves it on.

Chuckie then calls Steve insecure and, "one big open wound." Steve asks what he might have to be insecure about and I list off a good 15 things before Chuckie interjects with, "It's a known fact adopted kids are insecure." OH SNAP.  Steve's all, "How the hell did you know that?" and goes for  Chuckie, as he should, but Brandon stands and sort of pushes him back.  Chuckie tells Steve that he's known since he was 7 and that he was told to keep it quiet until Samantha filled Steve in.

Brandon then decides that Chuckie should in fact have his face tenderized by a couple of fists, so he steps out of Steve's way to allow Steve to back Chuckie over to some shrubbery area that hopefully leads to a large cliff that he will fall off of.  Chuckie smarms, "I guess she finally broke the news, huh? I wonder what took her so long.  Ya know, Steve..."

...but then this happens and it is awesome and no one cares because it's fucking obvious that this guy is terrible and deserves to have his face smushed into a bunch of...bok choy?  GO STEVE.

Shot of the Vice Principal's festive door.

Into the office, this mutant is looking at his burgeoning black eye in a West Beverly Hills High School Wildcats™ mirror, saying, "Thanks a lot, Sanders.  If I get a shiner, it'll look great on camera.  Actually, there aren't gonna be any cameras if I get busted."

Steve, sitting in a chair in his torn lady shirt and rubbing his knuckles, has precisely no fucks to give about it: "My heart bleeds for you."  Chuckie says, "My garbage parents, who clearly did a shit-job in raising me and have probably already run through all the money I made as a child actor because they're terrible, too, say unless I keep my nose clean, no more work.  I was thinkin', It's sorta a waste for both of us to do time, so why don't you just take the rap for me." And then Steve blesses us with, "Eat it," which is what I'm going to say to everyone who ever speaks to me from this point forward.  Chuck tells him to reconsider, because if Steve doesn't take the fall, he's not going to do the reunion show, which, I think we can all agree, sounds just appalling anyway, so whatever.  Steve asks, "What is this? Blackmail?"

This Whoville resident-looking mother-fucker thinks he's just so clever and says, "Actually...yes." And then this like, SOOOOOOOPER Fucking Serious Synth Music plays and I am scared, you guys.

Next we have Brandon and Steve exiting the school and Brandon's all shocked that Steve's the only one to get suspended because of the fight, when that gremlin Chuckie provoked the whole thing and acted like a hemorrhaging anus and was just as much at fault as Steve was.  Steve tells Brandon to stay out of it, and while I would normally applaud anyone for saying that to Brandon, I actually think he's just trying to be a good person and help his friend out here but Steve's not having it, not even after Brandon says that the whole thing's on tape and they can take it to the principal, or that if Steve is suspended he can't take finals and if he can't take finals, it's an incomplete on the whole semester.  All Steve and his sad, torn lady-shirt can say to that is, "Take care, Bran," and then walk away.  Man, is that shirt lustrous.

There's apparently a 24-hour Hartley House channel, because it seems to be the only thing Steve ever watches on T.V., morning, noon or night, and this evening is no different.  On the screen we see Mary Jo tending to Little Chuckie on the couch, saying, "If the fever's not gone, no school tomorrow." She places a thermometer under the brat's tongue and exits the room.

Shot of Steve in some Sexy Sweats.

Back to the screen.  That imp Little Chuckie is now holding the thermometer up to a lamp light bulb.  I hope that it gets so hot that as soon as he puts it back in his mouth it explodes and he dies a quick yet painful death due to mercury poisoning.  Steve does us all a favor and switches the T.V. off at this.

Samantha enters the room, wearing something pretty (if not a little matronly) and tells Steve that there's a steak in the fridge for him for dinner and that, " I won't be back too late."

He gets up from the bed and reminds her that he needs to talk to her and then she solidifies her Mother Of The Year nomination with, "And I told you this is not the best time, gorgeous." Apparently Chuckie's wavering on doing the crappy reunion show and because he's apparently goddamn Sir Laurence Olivier (which is to say, totally irreplaceable) everyone's having a fucking meltdown and everything's falling apart.  Because Hollywood types are super-stable, obviously.

Steve, fed up with the reunion-and-Chuckie-talk as much as the rest of us are, tells her that he needs her, and then after she fulfills her duties as Derelict Beverly Hills Parent by lying to his face and blowing him off some more, he blurts out, "I got suspended from school today."

She loses it, not because she cares about her child's potential emotional crises, no; she's mad because he's dropping this info on her before she has to head to Morton's and have a fancy meal with some "Norman" and a bunch of "junior agents" who are probably wholly dreadful deviants with coke-and-prostitute habits.

Steve sarcastically concurs, all, "I'm sorry this doesn't fit into your schedule." She asks what happened and he tells her, "I punched out Chuckie Wilson today." And he sort of smirks as he tells her and he doesn't seem too broken up about it, just like none of us are broken up about it, because that guy is a real sack of herpes-covered penises.

Samantha, of course, freaks out some more, blaming her son for being the catalyst behind Chuckie's stalling tactics and laying the guilt gauntlet down on him by telling him, "I was counting on you to help me.  I need this job, you know that."  Steve's all, "Go make your deals...you've got nothing to worry about.  Chuckie's gonna do the show.  I made sure of that." She asks him what he means and instead of giving her the truth - that Chuckie used Steve's adoption as a weapon against him like the oozing scrotal pimple that he is - he tells her, "Ask him."

West Bev courtyard.

Brenda, Donna and Kelly, walking down the staircase.  Brenda looks INCREDIBLE here, which goes without saying, but I like to point it out as much as possible.  Donna talks about the Steve v. Chuckie grudge match and Brenda asks, "What exactly were they fighting about?" Kelly, believing the world revolves around her and her hussy-like ways, says, "Well, I told Steve that Chuckie was taking me to the dance and he went ballistic.  I mean, it was so embarrassing.  I couldn't believe he could be so immature."

Donna makes the mistake of dreamily adding, "Maybe someday, someone'll fight over me." Kelly, winning back my favor: "Like David Silver? I don't think so." And then she walks away to go find a replacement friend for Donna, one who isn't idiotic enough to think David Silver is some kind of catch.

Blaze office/room/whatever.  This irritant is telling AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "This fight is perfect for the story! If we only had a picture." When she begins to protest, he goes on to say that he's not going to allow her to "go soft" on him (gross) and that, "This is the kinda thing the kids around here want to read about."

Brandon enters and John immediately accosts him, asking what the fight was about and, when Brandon tells him to kick rocks, says, "If he doesn't wanna write about it, I will.  There were other witnesses, the public has a right to know." Can someone please, please, please tell this guy to sit all the way down SWEET ZEUS.  Brandon denies him again and, much like Chuckie, John really knows how to zing a guy because he says, "Listen to him.  He'll never make it on a college newspaper with that attitude." Ooooo, burn.

He walks away and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea stares at Brandon.  Which isn't really isn't out of the ordinary but Brandon seems to think so, because, before she even says anything he's all, "I mean it, I'm not doin' this story.  Here are my notes.  Do what you think is best." She asks what the fight was about and he tells her, "If Steve wants to tell you, fine.  But I'm not gonna jeopardize my friendship for a story." I actually like Brandon here, you guys.  Maybe because he's being a good friend or perhaps my hatred for him pales in comparison to my hatred for the gnat-like John Griffin.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY MORE HARTLEY HOUSE.  Mary Jo sits knitting something.

Chuckie approaches and says, "Mom, I have a question...where did I come from?"  Mary Jo then provides him with the most disturbing explanation possible: "Well, sweetheart, your daddy and I loved each other so much, and one night there was so much love, that it made a whole other person.  And that person was you." I'm now headed to rinse my ears out with leakage from a lead-acid battery, thank you.

We get a shot of Steve watching this from his bed in some more Sexy Sweats.  It's nighttime, which is apparent through the tacky-ass glass blocks in his bedroom, so there's either a Hartley House marathon going on or, as theorized before, he's watching the 24/7 Hartley House Channel.  Which is like CNN only more terrible.

Back onscreen, Little Chuckie says, "That's not what Winfield Goulden says.  He showed me pictures at recess." Mary Jo asks where Winfield came from and WAKA WAKA WAKA Little Chuckie deadpans, "Cleveland." He then asks for a second time where he comes from and Mary Jo tells him, "Philadelphia," and as they continue to talk, the camera zooms in on Steve nodding off, or perhaps he just hopes that by closing his eyes he can erase the memory of his mother ever being on this poorly-written dreck.

But actually, wavy, out-of-focus lines start up over Steve's face, which indicates to us that this is a show from the 1980s or 1990s and we're heading into a dream sequence.

And we are! We're looking at Steve's T.V. screen now, where T.V. Steve is sitting on the couch of The Hartley House set.  And he's wearing a mock turtleneck which is giving me the shakes.

Samantha-as-Mary Jo sits next to him and he asks Little Chuckie's question from moments ago: "Where did I come from?" Dream Mary Jo gives the same response - "Philadelphia" - but T.V. Steve takes it further with, "No, where did I really come from?" And then Dream Mary Jo causes nausea everywhere with what she says next: "Actually, it's very simple.  And egg and a sperm get together to create a zygote, which grows into a fetus."  T.V. Steve brings up the whole "there was so much Doing The Nasty that it created an entirely new person" thing from before...

...and then this hobgoblin appears, saying, "That's how they got me, Steve-O, not you."  Dream Mary Jo's all, "Chuckie's right, gorgeous.  We went to the baby store for you," and Dream Chuckie adds, "Too bad you're adopted, Steve-O.  But you must have a real mom somewhere."

And then we get T.V. Steve standing and angrily asking the camera, "Don't you get it?"

Dream Steve bolts up on his bed after peeing it.  No.  But he asks, "Get what?"

Back to T.V. Steve: "You're an ornament around here.  Part of the set." Dream Steve asks where he came from and T.V. Steve tells him, "Well, if you really wanna know, you'll go find your real parents.  They're out there, somewhere.  Right, Mary Jo?"

Dream Mary Jo says, "Of course.  Everyone has a mother somewhere." And unfortunately Dream Little Chuckie gets one more line in: "Even in T.V. Land!"

The wavy, out-of-focus lines start up again, to let us know the dream is over.  Steve slowly opens his eyes...

...and he and his bulge that's also kind of a camel toe realize what he has to do with the help of the Realization Piano Music playing in the background.

The next morning.  A different exterior shot of the Sanctum.

Into the kitchen.  Steve sits at table while some housekeeper lady does something at the counter.  Samantha rolls in wearing Rainbow Brite's peignor, way-excited about ~something~ all, "Good morning, good morning, good morning!" and then to the poor maid-lady, "Good morning!" This is the kind of behavior that warrants a knife to the face, especially during waking hours.  The maid thinks so, too, as evidenced by the up-and-down eye she gives Samantha as she gets all up in her grill like some kind of mental patient.

The maid, Jean, offers to make Samantha some eggs but since this was the early-90s and people were really fucked up about what constituted "healthy," Samantha tells her, "No, thanks.  Today I start my diet.  The camera adds 10 pounds and I wanna be ready for it." Hurray for anorexia! She sits down next to a Sad Sack Steve at the table, continuing to act like a defective and proclaiming, "Today is one of those good days.  The ones you wanna remember and enjoy.  Come on, gorgeous, gimme one of those million dollar smiles." Steve insists he has nothing to smile about...

...which leads to Samantha insisting that he will have something to smile about and leading him by hand out of the kitchen.  Jean The Maid dares to make eye contact with him and sort of shrugs as he looks to her for some kind of explanation.  And then Jean gets driven to the same big farm upstate in the country where Margarita was taken at the end of Season 1 and we never see her again.

Next, this: a new Corvette sitting in the driveway, with one of those giant bows you only ever see in car commercials wrapped around it.  Oh! But it's missing one thing:

That's better.  And accurate.

Mother and son head down the front steps, Steve asking, "What's this?" and Samantha telling him, "Well, it's your new car, silly.  Now do I get a smile? Or maybe just a good ol' fashioned 'Thanks, Mom'?" She explains that Steve was right: that Chuckie will do the reunion show and that he told her that Steve had something to do with it.  Ahh, I remember the days when I would do something that pleased my dad and then I would wake up 12 hours later and he'd have a new Corvette Ford Escort sitting in the driveway for me.

But of course, Steve has had it: he lays into Samantha re the fact that Chuckie knew of the adoption years before he, Steve, did and that he always felt like a second- class citizen when Chuckie was around; he tells her why he took the rap for the fight the day before and then he declares that he's going to find his real parents.

As he stomps back up the staircase to the house, Serious Mother-Fuckin' Synth Drums, followed by Serious Mother-Fuckin Gheeeeeeeee-tar, play as he goes.  Samantha tearfully calls after him, "I know I wasn't a perfect mother, but I did the best I could.  I love you.  For God's sake, I chose you," and I find this to be just the height of sophistication, what, with all of the raised voices and weeping and accusations flying about so that the neighbors can be privy to all of the Sanders Family Holiday DRAAAAAAAAAAMZZZZZZZZZ.

Later on in the day? I guess? we're at H.O.W. and the doorbell rings.

Cindy opens the door to Steve and doesn't immediately slam it in his face and go back to whatever she was doing (drinking, having midday phone sex with Glen, lint-rolling the bedding and other plush surfaces of shedding from Jim's Back Of Fur).  She asks, "Shouldn't you be in school?" Steve explains that he was suspended, which still doesn't really explain his presence here, but perhaps he was just looking to spend some time with a Non-Trash Heap Parent for a while.

She invites him in and they sit at the kitchen table, he asking her hypothetical questions about if Brenda and Brandon were adopted, would she be mad if they wanted to find their birth parents?  She advises that she wouldn't be mad, but rather, afraid that she was going to lose them.  But wouldn't that be a relief, Brandon-ly speaking, I mean? She also brings up a good point about the natural parents not wanting to be found, especially by curly-headed fucks who they couldn't get away from fast enough 17 (or 41) years before.  Apropos of nothing, Carol Potter has excellent chemistry with like, everyone on this show.

Back here.  David runs up behind Donna and talks about the fact that he's a driver's license-less weiney who needs her to drive them to the dance that evening, or ask Mel to chauffeur them, which would be horrifying in the extreme, especially for poor Donna, seeing as Mel would probably stroke himself off the whole time and ask her to sit up front with him in order to put his ingenious Stop Short move into action.  Blah blah Donna agrees to take them...

...and this bunch sits across the way somewhere on a bench and judges the fuck out of them.  Dylan, momentarily unaware of his surroundings, clearly, calls David "a good kid" and then Chuckie, who's not even involved with the group in the slightest and should really just light himself on fire or something, pipes in with, "Older women/younger guy couples are big.  Look at Cher," Potentially Unpopular Opinion: this guy makes David look like the Stud Of The Century.

(Obligatory Dylan & Brenda Screencap For Good Measure of the episode.)

Donna approaches, everyone gives her shit.  Whatever.

Brandon creeps up and asks to speak to Kelly privately.  Chuckie's off to some "meeting at the studio."  He kisses Kelly's cheek before he goes and she doesn't immediately slosh a mixture of Pine Sol, formaldehyde and flesh-eating bacteria all over it.

After Chuck, Kelly and Brandon take their leaves, Brenda suffers a sudden traumatic brain injury and looks after Chuckie, saying, "He is adorable."  Dylan, who really has no other option than to hook up with Kelly after that line, disagrees: "No, he's not."

This.  Brandon rags on Kelly about still going to the dance with Chuck.  Kelly, self-involved snatch that she is, continues to believe that Chuck and Steve were fighting over her and that Steve's just jealous.  Brandon schools her on the fact that the fight derived from the fact that Chuckie's an evil piece of shit.  Kelly asks, "What do you want me to do?" Brandon does not say, "To fuck right off, Blondie," but rather, "Just think about it, 'kay?"

A sound stage somewhere.

Inside, the two cheese-dickiest cheese-dicks ever talk about how the old Hartley House sound stage was the perfect locale for the signing of the contract for the ever-loving reunion movie/show/whatever.

And then THIS BITCH.  She's suited up in her Alexis Carrington finest, slathered her face in Vasoline and is ready to throw down.

She approaches the men (I use that term very, very loosely) and chides, "Serving champagne to a minor, Norman?" Chuckie forces me to puncture my right eye with the wine bottle I just smashed all over my desk when he says, "It's only apple juice, Mom." They talk about what a great agent Norman is and for some reason this happens:

Wave bye-bye to my sphincter.

And then she stealthily goes in for the kill on these two numb-nuts, first toasting to Steve and then innocently asking Chuckie how Steve convinced him to do the show.  She eventually asks, "How did you know that he was adopted, Charles?" Chuckie insists that "everybody knew," and she denies this, saying no one knew...

...oh! but of course this scumbag did and he was the one to let the cat out of the bag because Chuckie was jealous of Steve one day so hey! Let's tell some 7-or-8 year old this massive secret because children are notorious for being excellent secret-keepers.

Samantha is all the things and gets all up in Norman's face and demands, "You betrayed my trust so you could make a little spoiled brat feel better?"

And then Chuckie, whose face is really, really spooky here (and always, for that matter) huffs, "Hey, lady!  It was this spoiled little brat that kept you on the air,  Besides, I did this for you.  I know how important this show is to you."

And then Samantha's all "Fuck all y'all," and she is OUT.

These fools' only response is to stand there like a couple of fools.

Peach Pit.  Which can only mean one thing:

Yep.  You guessed it.  A super-crappy version of "Silent Night" plays in the background as Worthless Nat approaches Sad Sack King Of The WORLD Steve where he sits all sad-sack-like in a booth.  Nat asks what's up, Steve asks if Nat looks more like his probably-trash-haired dad or his probably-trash-haired mom.  This extremely peculiar line of questioning does not seem to concern Nat...

...and then Dylan arrives to save us from any more of Worthless Nat's worthlessness.  Thanks for joining us, Worthless Nat.

So Dylan sits down with Steve and Steve tells Dylan he's adopted and he wants to find his birth parents and Dylan gives some decent advice about the fact that Steve's biological parents gave him up for obvious reasons, namely, his hair a reason and that they might not be receptive to a 41-year-old man tracking them down.  Dylan also offers, "Samantha Sanders didn't give birth to you, but hey, man, she's always been there for ya.  That's gotta count for somethin'."

Steve clearly doesn't agree.

Nighttime.  Sanctum.

Inside, Steve comes 'round the corner into the living room...

...where Samantha sits, quietly sniveling, on an ugly and really uncomfortable looking couch.  Steve asks why she's not at the studio and she explains that she's not doing the reunion show, that she's really, really sorry and that Steve doesn't have to be nice to "that little bastard" Chuckie any longer.  Not that he's been nice to Chuckie this entire episode, deservedly so, but I get what she's saying.

So they tearfully hug like a couple of wussies (STEVE'S CRY FACE) and then he's all, "Who's my real mother, yo?" and just as Cindy said a few moments ago, Samantha explains that she's scared to tell him and that, "I just don't wanna lose you."

West Bev.

Inside to some room that I don't think we've ever seen, or will ever see again, which here is holding the dance.  A bunch of Randos dance badly.

Outside, Donna pulls into a parking spot, David in the passenger seat, and she asks, "Wow, how'd you get this great parking spot?" Is that like, a turn-on? Whatever floats your boat, Don.  David, thrilled that she's so impressed by unimpressive things: "It's one of the perks of coming to the dance with me."

They go back and forth, he thinking she's nervous because it's their "first big social event together" and she informing he that it's not really a date.  To make him feel better after denying him, she lies, "I'm proud to be going to this dance with the best dancer at West Beverly," without being struck down by God or throwing up all over his terrible, terrible suit jacket.

So of course he takes this as an invitation to kiss her, which he does for all of about a half-second...

...before she turns away in disgust, shame and revulsion.  He apologizes and she suggests that they go inside so that she can run to the girls' locker room and take a shower or seven.

Again.

We pan down from the top of this barren Christmas tree to Steve fiddling with a branch.

Samantha reenters the room, wearing a different outfit.  I don't know.  She tells him that all she knows is that his mother's name was Karen Brown and that she was from a small town outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico and that she was very young when she had him and was really frightened of the permed monstrosity that came out of her vagina so she immediately put him up for adoption.  Steve says that he's got to go find her, "Now, tonight."

Dance.  David and Donna enter.  She says, "I don't see Kelly." He responds, "Well, there's Chuckie, she's gotta be around here somewhere." They walk across the floor.  That's what that entire scene amounted to.

Jesus.  Here.  Again.  The doorbell rings.

Steve answers it.  It's Kelly, wearing one of my all-time favorite outfits from the series.  She looks like a sexy Mrs. Claus.  I love it so much.  He asks why she's not at the dance with Chuckie and she's all, "I stood him up.  I heard what he did to you and this was the best way I could think of to get even." Steve thanks her and then she asks if he wants to go for a drive.  He agrees: "Just let me throw a few things, like my best silken blouse, a set of sponge rollers and my Tour de France hat with clown-hair-applique, together."

In her car.  Kelly's got a scarf over her head and it's all very Grace...Kelly.  GET IT? Anyway, she looks gorgeous.  Steve says, "God, I love California.  Do you know what some kids would give to drive around with the top down in December?" and it's true.  Although it's been rather brisk here in L.A. lately, down in the low-to-mid-fifties in the evenings and now you're going to come here and murder me.  I know I'm a wimp, but your body does change once you live in a climate like this for an extended period of time.  No one ever wants to hear it, though; like last week, I was telling my dad that we finally had to turn our space heater on and that it was 60 and freezing.  Yes, I said freezing.  He then proceeded to tell me that it was currently 7 in Colorado and then he disowned me and changed his number.  I deserved it.

Kelly can't believe that Steve's choosing to take the bus to New Mexico, and neither can I, since people with tails and recently paroled manslaughterers tend to use that mode of transportation (see: David Sedaris' brilliant short story, "C.O.G." for further insight), and even Steve is better than that.  He tells her that seeing as he's going to some trashy town in the middle of Buttfuck, N.M., he may as well play the part and take the most pitiful form of transit to get there and leave Beverly Hills behind.  She offers to drive him herself, and I kind of don't think she knows what she's saying here, seeing as he would make a bunch of sexual innuendos the whole time and she'd be sick of him before they reached the California state line.  Lucky for her he denies her, and then she tells him, "I know a few people who'd like to say good bye," meaning...? Oh! The rest of The Gang! Yes, yes.  I'm certain they're desperate to see him off.

Here.

These two are dancing and Brenda declares that she loves Christmas and that Dylan will be spending the holiday with the Walshes.  He, like the rest of society, would rather not witness Jim embarrass himself and everyone in near proximity to him: "You gotta promise me that your dad, he's not gonna dress up like Santa Claus." Brenda's all "That, I can't promise," and Dylan dies a lot on the inside.

In another area of the room.  Brandon Cool Guy Leans for the second time this episode on the snack table.  Why is he even there? I can't be certain but I'm pretty sure he's informed every person he's ever come into contact with on this show that He Doesn't Dance.  So why attend just to front like goddamn James Dean Loner over by the punch bowl? (I like his socks and shoes, for what it's worth, however.) Whatever, Mr. Chapman walks by and Brandon wishes him a Merry Christmas.  I feel like so much of this episode was a whole lotta filler.

Enter AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  Wearing...something.

She, of course, hones in on Brandon, walks over to him and does the world at large a massive disservice by telling him, "You were right" about the stupid Hartley House story for the Blaze and that it was "gossip, pure and simple." He's aware that all she can ever discuss is the goddamn school paper or their non-relationship, so he tells her to stuff a sock in it.  This odd techno-type music starts up in the background...

...and then this happens and are my eyes bleeding? Because I really think they're bleeding.  And I just doused myself in gasoline and lit a match and am I on fire? Because I really think I'm on fire.

Steve and Kelly enter and break up all of the David's Dancing, Let's Run Into Oncoming Traffic festivities, Steve saying, "I don't think I should be here, I'm suspended." Kelly tells him so stop being such a namby-pamby, and then makes the grave mistake of turning to see this...

...and the sight in turn defiles every part of her being.

WHY ISN'T ANYONE CALLING THE COPS? OR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT? OR AN EXORCIST OR A PRIEST MOTHER OF GOD.

A palate cleanser: Brenda and Dylan dancing and Dylan pointing at the mutations that are David's "dance" "moves."

.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Brandon is me.  I am Brandon.

And then of course David does the splits, because it's obviously his favorite way to end the visual rape he just violated everyone with.  Also, everyone claps.  Because it's over, I presume.

And then this happens.  Because Donna's a stupid bitch, see.

We get reaction shots from everyone.  Here, Kelly's all, "Oh," and Steve says, "Hi-ho, Silver," which only sort of makes me want to claw his trachea out.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brandon, who mostly look nauseous, as does my spirit animal sitting at the table there, eyebrows going haywire with judgment.

Brenda: "Now that's what I call friendly." Dylan: "If that's her idea of a platonic relationship, I would love to see what happens when she decides to get physical." Barf.

More kissing.  David's face in this moment is actually hilarious.  He can't believe it just as much as we can't believe it.

Donna turns to the others and tells them, "See, I like him.  And if any of you have a problem with that, that's too bad," which would be a lovely sentiment that I was all for if it wasn't David we were talking about here.

So she kisses him again, I further lose what little is left of my appetite following this episode...

...Dylan claps, which was cute but only because Dylan...

...Steve and Kelly laugh...

...and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "Isn't that sweet?" Brandon agrees, puts his arm around her and you can see her face get all sorts of hopeful and HE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES ME HE REALLY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES ME and Christ Jesus, Zuckerman.  Settle down.

Next, this walking, talking troll doll hustles up to Steve and Kelly, saying to her, "You stood me up.  I thought we had a date." Kelly informs him that she doesn't go out with people who hurt her friends...which, I could go into a Harry Potter-style, 7-book series on how that's clearly not true, given what's to come, but I somehow manage to hold down a job and have to go to bed soon, so I'll save it for another day and just continue to enjoy the fact that this toad is about to get his much overdue comeuppance.

Steve and Kelly start dancing...

...but of course the twerp has headed over to Mr. Chapman to tattle to him about Steve's presence at the dance.

They approach Steve and Kelly and Mr. Chapman tells Steve to take a hike, and then the others are all nosy bitches so they gather 'round.  Chapman advises, "There's no need to make a scene," and Brenda pulls on her sass-pants and sasses, "Yes, there is."

But Steve's had enough: "I gotta catch a bus." Everyone's down to go-with, but before they make it out the door, Chuckie brings his low-level shade-throwing non-skills into the mix: "Takin' buses now, Steve? What's the matter, Mommy take away your wheels?" That one's gonna leave a mark! Also: I love how even Mr. Chapman's all, "That's bush league, son," as he throws Chuckster some Grade-A, over-the-shoulder side-eye.

Steve turns around and goes for Chuckie, asking, "You know what you are, Wilson?" Chuckie, weak-as-fuck, says, "No, big man.  Why don't you tell me." Steve: "You're a has-been." And I would've considered that pretty weak as well but then this happens:

Which is cheesy as fuck in and of itself, but I hate Chuckie so, so much and am so, so tired of having to type his embarrassment of a name.

Steve grabs Kelly's hand and they head out and then everyone gives this gargoyle the up-and-down-Smirksville and follows behind, and we're also gifted with one of maybe the top 5 Great Moments In Dylan McKay here with his little finger-to-the-shirt/up-to-Chuck's-nose maneuver.  Sadly in this day and age, if you did that to a classmate, you'd probably be expelled from school and thrown in prison for aggravated assault.

Some bus depot somewhere.  We see a bus pull out of the station, which looks clean and nice and not overtaken by methamphetamine addicts and others who've given up on life.  Which is to say, completely unrealistic.  Over some P.A. system some dude announces departures.

Steve and Kelly stand at a ticket window while the rest look on.

Donna: "I can't believe I never knew Steve was adopted." Brandon: "Nobody knew except me and Kelly because you're all a bunch of self-involved twats." AHHHHHHHNdrea voices her concern that no one cares about in that she hopes he's doing the right thing.  Dylan: "He's doin' what he's gotta do."

Steve and Kelly are back, he with ticket in hand, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, again acting like she factors into this equation in the slightest, says, "I hope they're round-trip tickets."

His Albuquerque-bound bus is announced and Brandon says, "Good luck, pal," while going in for a hug.  Which was a nice moment even though it involved Brandon.

Brenda, sounding the most genuine out of everyone because she's terrific, tells him, voice cracking, "We love you, Steve." Steve reciprocates and Kelly kindly advises, "No matter who or what you find out there, we'll always be your family."

And then the group forms a circle, reminiscent of this, but with the unfortunate addition of David.

On the original soundtrack, The Pretenders "2000 Miles," a song that I love, played here.  On the DVDs they've replaced it with some generic twaddle which completely takes away from the moment.  Anyway, Steve starts to climb the stairs of the bus, but Kelly stops him to give him a peck on the cheek.  He makes his way back to a seat...

...and we get the remainder of The Gang standing there watching, most of them teary-eyed, and, with the exception of David and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, looking pretty hot.  

Reactions from all.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is giving me an essence of this wardrobe masterpiece, however, so I have to toss her some credit for that.

The bus starts to pull away and Steve gives his friends one last look as, I assume, some rotted-tooth deformity takes the seat next to him and starts in on the story of how he was recently incarcerated after beating up his wife but she like, totally deserved it and now he's out on bail and he's not really supposed to leave the state but he doesn't give a shit and, hey, do you have a cigarette he can bum and if not fuck you, man.  (If you've ever had the displeasure of travelling anywhere via Greyhound, you may be able to relate.) Merry 3 Days Past Christmas!

AAAAAAND meet me back here next time for even more Christmas shenanigans (read: misery) in "Walsh Family Christmas." Have I mentioned that I strongly dislike Christmas episodes of most shows? No? Well, I'll be certain to remind you of it every 3 paragraphs in the next one, so at least you'll have something to look forward to.  'Til we meet again.