Season 2, Episode 18: Walsh Family Christmas - Please Don't Make Me.

In which it's February and I'm writing about Christmas.  This was like the least fun thing ever.  And that includes the time I was hit by a car and left for dead by the side of the rode and then mauled by a pack of rabid coyotes.  And none of that ever happened but I'm pretty sure it would be a more enjoyable experience than anything having to do with this episode.

We open on this sign that says "New Mexico - Land of Enchantment." I've only ever driven through New Mexico (quickly), but never found it particularly enchanting.  Also, this music that you'd expect to hear on the soundtrack to Walker, Texas Ranger, plays in the background.  There's no other way I can describe it.

This bus rolls past the sign and since we unfortunately had to sit through the previous episode, we can be pretty safe in our assumption that this bus holds the fluff-headed dink we've all come to sort of grudgingly accept, one Steve "The Steve SAUNders Special" Sanders.

Sure enough, as the bus comes to a stop in front of some shabby building, we see Mr. Sanders' mullet peering out of his open window.  I'm certain that all of the other passengers really appreciate the open window, given that it's probably, like, -13 degrees there in December.  My takeaway from this is that everyone from Los Angeles is a hideously-coiffed asshole.

Steve descends the steps of the bus, saying, "Sure is cold here," like, perhaps, then, you moldy q-tip, you shouldn't have had your window open.  He's followed off of the bus by a teenage-ish girl of indeterminate race, which is I guess supposed to tell us that Steve is not a racist.  A terrible person in many, many ways, including the hairdo and clothing departments, but decidedly not a racist.  Anyway, Girl (we never learn her name because of course she doesn't matter) says, "If we're lucky, maybe we'll have a white Christmas."

Steve calls the idea "kind of neat," and then Girl can't beat it the fuck away from him fast enough, lying, "It was fun traveling with you," and then confirming our theory that Steve is a self-absorbed garbage person, when, after he thanks her for listening to him, says, "What else was I gonna do for 16 hours?" They have a laugh over that one, although I'm assuming her laughter was a means of covering up her tears, she wishes him good luck on finding his bio-mom, then sees her mom and thanks her lucky stars that any interaction with this wool-headed douche is over.  Peace out Mexican-Maybe-Some-Kind-Of-Native-American Girl.  We really hardly knew ye.

So as this really, really terrible, like, diarrhea-heavy version of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" starts playing in the background, Steve flings his bag over his shoulder and starts hoofing it down the street like fucking Joe Buck or something.

The Worst Rendition Of A Song I've EVER Heard plays us back to Beverly Hills and a shot of and O.G. Beverly Hills sign.

Here's a shot of a Santa mannequin sitting a convertible and Josh Taylor's name! THEE JACK MCKAY is HERE.

Shot of plastic reindeer and another Santa hung across a street.  I've only ever seen the Christmas decorations in Beverly Hills during daylight hours.  And even then they're pretty incredible.  One day, when I'm not a completely lazy piece of trash covered in cats, I'll take a drive over there and check them out at night.  Or drink a bottle of wine instead of actually doing that.  Whatever.

And then we get EMILY! (and this terrifying-yet-totally glamorous Barbra Streisand-meets-Alexis Carrington updo mannequin) She's back, too.  Hopefully she's come to finish Brandon off. (And yes, I'm well aware that's not why she's here, but throw a nutjob a bone, won't you?)

More shots with Christmas-related whatevers, and the song gets somehow even shittier as it picks up tempo. You guys? I so don't want to do this.  As mentioned at the end of my last post and an Instagram post or two, I really hate Christmas-themed episodes of T.V. shows.  Especially this one and the next one in Season 3.  Mostly because ~Christmas Magic~.  AND the fact that this one is bonus-sized, like, 25 minutes longer than usual, helps nothing.

Here's an exterior shot of the boutique where Brenda now works.  A bunch of ladies are queued up outside because women are soulless pig-dog spendthrifts who are only good for shopping with their husband's American Express cards, amirite, fellas?

Inside.  This lady, Deidre, who we will eventually find out is terrible, trains Brenda.  Even though it involves Brenda, no one cares.

The boors outside then proceed to KNOCK ON THE DOOR because everyone is a goddamn pushy animal in this town (it's actually kind of true) and Dierdre lets them in so they can paw at everything and throw clothes on the floor and not end up buying anything and ahhh, retail.

Kelly and Donna are a part of the fiendish mob.  They approach Brenda at the counter and pretend to look at jewelry that they're not actually going to purchase so that they can help Brenda make a really good impression on her first day at work.  They all talk about Steve and how they don't care that he's gone and no one's heard from him and Samantha's freaking out.  Kelly, proving her title of World's Worst Subhuman Who Deserves All The Bad Things That Happen To Her Except Rape And/Or Attempted Rape: "This really sounds weird, but I miss him.  I do.  I mean, especially around Christmas, ya know? He'd always buy me something really nice, even though we weren't going out." I CAN'T WITH THIS TWAT.  I can't.  Let's move on.

Blah blah Brenda invites them over to H.O.W. later that night to aid in decorating the Walsh Family Christmas Tree and so that Donna can parade around in hot pants in front of Jim and Cindy blah.

Jim.  Haggling with a Christmas tree salesman.  Apparently, the Walshes always wait until 2 days before Christmas to get their tree so that it's super-fresh.  We find out in a moment that they spent their Season 1 holiday in Minnesota, so this is the first time they're buying a Southern California tree, and that if you wait until the last minute here, you wind up with a tree that Charlie Brown would deem "too rat's ass."  Brandon's also here and talks a bunch of mess on the trees.  Jim proclaims they'll go elsewhere but Salesman informs him that all the lots will be like this.  Oh, the yuletide high-jinks!

A shit-version of "Jingle Bells" starts up in the background as we cut over to Cindy in the Living Room Of Walsh, talking on the phone with her mom in Minnesota.  She's telling her that it's 90 degrees in L.A., which is just a pile of puke.  Then she hears a horn honk and Jim and Brandon are home with the deadened tree and she basically hangs up on her own mother with a, "Of course we still have Christmas trees here," because her mom is an ignorant slut.

Jim and Brandon take the tree from the roof of the car as Cindy, adorably excited, dashes from the front door.  She gives the tree the same look that I give Brandon whenever he appears onscreen and asks, "What happened to the tree? I mean, it's, it's, it's..." and Brandon, legit hilarious here, says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'dead,' Mom." Great line delivery by Jason Priestley, there.  Cindy's like, "Fuck this shit.  I wish we were back in Minneapolis where there's green trees and snow on the ground and hearty, corn-fed types that are under the impression that Los Angeles lacks Christmas trees." Jim says they can't keep running back to the sticks every year, and Cindy complains that it's too hot to do anything, including cooking.  Brandon, again bringing the funny: "Let's not get crazy now, Mom, okay?" After Cindy huffs back into the house, Jim's only response is to look at his son and shrug his furry shoulders.

Later.  The tree is being spray-painted.

Brenda walks up the driveway and tells Brandon he should fuck himself for spray-painting the tree because that's the stupidest thing anyone has done, ever, and makes absolutely no sense at all.

Cindy joins them and pisses me off by saying, "Christmas in Beverly Hills.  I mean, it's not natural." I love Christmas in L.A.  It's my favorite time of year here.  It just feels...magical.  And no, not in a "Oh, this fucking homeless guy in Los Angeles (who's going to Teach Everyone A Warm-Hearted Lesson), and this small aircraft pilot in New Mexico (who's going to Save The Day) - they're both the same person AND they're ~actually~ Santa" kind of overtly offensive way.  Or the night terror-prompting holiday-episode we're non-gifted with in Season 3.  It's just...a nice time of year.

Cindy asks about Brenda's new job, then continues to gripe about how it feels like it's August and that, "Next year, we'll get a fake one," meaning a tree.  She heads back in the house and Brenda calls her "Ebenezer Scrooge" and I just goddamn can't so let's not.

Shot of House Of Walsh with a sorry, singular strand of lights hung from the gutters.  Way to go all out, Jimbo.

Inside, it's tree-trimming time! The only thing worth mentioning in this scene are Donna's Noel-themed booty-shorts.  Oh.  And Dylan calls Brandon out on the spray-painted tree and I couldn't care less.

Kitchen.  Cindy, sad-sackily, pours hot apple cider into glasses filled with ice.  You wouldn't think that someone could perform such a mundane task with such high-level Sad Sack but Cindy somehow manages to pull it off.  Jim comes up behind her in a lame attempt to cop a feel over her ill-fitting, pleated Hammer jeans and take advantage of her obvious Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Because Jim's a monster.  They're a couple of real dweebs and decide that inviting all of their kids' vacuous, shallow, terrible friends over on Christmas Eve is just the thing to cheer Cindy up.  Because chilling with the likes of The Zuck and the crotch spawn of Mel Silver won't make her decide to hang herself by the chimney with care or anything.

The Parents' Walsh bring out the drinks and make their proposition to the kids about some cheese-dick Christmas Eve gathering the next night.  But it turns out, everyone "has plans": Donna's going skiing in Mammoth; Kelly and Jackie are unfortunately making dinner for Mel and David; Dylan's headed to the Big House to pay a visit to THEE Jack McKay.  Jim asks after Steve and Cindy seriously says, "I knew somebody was missing," because she just noticed that he wasn't there because no one gives three smelly farts about Steve.  Least of all his birth mother.  Or anyone who's ever come into contact with him.  Whatever, Brandon says he went to find his bio-mom in New Mexico, Cindy doesn't give a rip but feels obligated to ask, "Does he even know her name?"

Which leads us to this hospital building....

...where, inside, Steve's at a counter, telling a nun, "All I know is that my mother's name was Karen Brown and I was born May 15th, 41 17 years ago."  Painfully (oh so painfully) long and beyond-boring story short, Nun here finds Steve's birth records but, even though he's clearly 41, can't give them to him without a parent's signature.  In true, loutish Steve SAUNders fashion, he attempts to bribe Nun, she is momentarily scandalized and then of course for some reason (pity? Because of his hair?) she throws all rules and oaths and promises to the Holy Father out the window and allows him to have a look at his file.  He's just that charming, folks!

And then he does this.  And then Nun rethinks her entire life up until this point after catching an up close and personal glimpse of that thing on Steve's head.

Peach Pit.

Inside.  Cripes.  Nat's "dressed up," which equals wearing a bow tie and Santa hat.  Kill me now.

I said KILL ME NOW, mostly because Brandon's dressed the same as Nat.  And because after Nat worthlessly tells him, "Order's up, Brandon," Brandon wipes all the soot and whatnot from his face that he picked up in the coal mine he works in, sighs and says, "Come on, Nat, gimme a break." From...? Your 9-hour per week job?

So then we get this shot of these ratty sneakers entering.  SPOILER ALERT this is the aforementioned homeless guy/Santa Claus/this episode's Lesson To Be Learned.

Homeless Guy sits down on a stool at the counter and he asks Brandon for a free cup of coffee.  And then free food.  Jesus.  Needy, much? Oh....wait...  Brandon is fucking stupid and apparently can't recognize a very-obvious street person so he's all, "That'd be nice." Homeless Guy says, "I'm kinda busted." Like, broke? Or busted in the face? Because, to be quite honest, he's sort of both.  I'm sorry! You guys came into this with the knowledge that I'm a despicable human being.  There's no turning back now.

Brandon goes over to Worthless Nat to ask him if it's okay to feed Homeless Guy and then Nat launches into a worthless explanation of how he serves homeless people food on Christmas day every year and that he didn't tell Brandon because he wants Brandon to spend the day with his own stupid family and Brandon then insists that he will be there the next day, mostly so that he can feel superior over others who aren't there.  Oh, and he has the gall to add, "What am I gonna do, abandon you on Christmas?" Sort of like how he abandoned Nat over the summer after he got his job at the beach club?  Shut your face, Brandon.  

So then Nat tells Brandon, "I got somethin' to show ya," and my guess - his penis - is proven wrong when he emerges from the back room carrying a Santa outfit.  Brandon gets busy with feeding Homeless Guy and Nat...is worthless so he does nothing, but not before ever-so-sanitarily draping the musty, mothball-reeking rented Santa suit over the counter top.

Homeless Guy stares at the suit as he sips his coffee, because he's clearly a thieving hobo.

Some Hicktown Road.  This cab that's carrying Steve pulls off said road onto some classy gravel parking lot.  Cabbie tells Steve that this is the address he's looking for (5595 Navajo Trail) and Steve peers out the window and looks at...

...a shot of what appears to be Frontierland inside Disneyland.  Fun! We went to Disneyland on Christmas.  Can I tell you how much more enjoyable it was, even with the throngs of rude garbage people, than recapping this episode? Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have time for that.  That would take up the next 17 weekends of my life and your life and since I fully plan on oopsy-daisying myself out of the next open window in a high-rise building I come across, we'll have to move on.

So the Frontierland facade clearly isn't where Steve's bio-mom lives.  As the Sad Piano Music starts up, he tells Cabbie to take him back to his hotel, which, from everything I've seen of this place so far, is more likely a motel.  You're not fancy, Steve.

Tiny jukebox on the Peach Pit counter...has this always been there? I kind of don't care but I'm also concerned that I've never noticed it in the 1500 times I've watched this episode, which might indicate that I'm not a total life failure or the Beverly Hills, 90210 equivalent of Comic Book Guy and I just don't know how to deal with that new identity.

It's AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea perusing the jukebox selection, almost as Sad Sackily as Cindy pours apple cider.

Brandon comes up, wishes her Merry Christmas and KISSES HER ON THE MOUTH.  Because, as previously discussed here, he's an emotionally abusive jackass who just loves to prey on AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's feelings for him by teasingly giving her rays of hope like this, but then acting all put-out and weird when she makes puppy dog eyes at him.  I mean, AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's preoccupation with Brandon is spooky on many, many levels.  But this fucking shit.  I can't even deal.

Blah blah her family doesn't celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah (and a another piece of the "Why Is AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Such A Wet Fucking Blanket All The Goddamn Time" puzzle falls into place) because her parents think it's easier to ignore both, Brandon invites her over to H.O.W., she tells him she can't because, "I already promised my grandma I'd belittle her experiences in the Holocaust by comparing them to me Living Out Of The District go to the movies with her," BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Nat.  Festively worthless.  "Where's my disgusting Santa suit that I flung onto a space where people eat food?" OH THE HUMANITY.

Oh! Guess who took it! I bet you, like me, never saw that coming!

Back inside to Brenda's boutique.  Hobo Claus enters.

Cold, Heartless Deidre's all, "Hell naw," and kicks him out, calling him a "nut."  And look: the homeless situation in L.A. is bleak.  Like, I've never seen anything like it in my life.  Denver had homeless people, but here in L.A., it's like, beyond-beyond.  And a lot of them are scary and deranged and unpredictable.  So I could see why Cold, Heartless Deidre would want him out of the store.  Am I perhaps putting too much consideration into this? As always, yes, yes I am.

Anyway, Hobo Claus does the Sad Sack Shuffle out of the store, but not before offering Brenda a "Merry Christmas." Her only response is to look down at the counter.  Most importantly, beyond Los Angeles' Homeless Crisis, Brenda looks so good here.  Hair, makeup, clothes.  So pretty.  And that's what matters most, my friends.

Back to Hicksville.  What appears to be some kind of "Main Street."

Shot of a payphone and a roll of quarters being dumped out on top of it.

Shot of ~someone~ putting a quarter into the slot and dialing.  Emily?!?!

No.  It's Steve.  And he's calling all of the Browns in the phone book.

And then after all of these people deny him (because they can tell he's awful just by the sound of his voice), he picks up the public phone book and crosses their names out with a pen.  Because he's a dick.

Also, this goes on for approximately infinity.

Brenda's boutique.  She's handing some lady something-or-other when...

SWOOOOOOOOOON Dylan arrives.

These Hot Bitches greet each other as only they can - hotly - and let's just take a goddamn moment from this deplorable episode and bask in the glory of their hotness as a couple.  I mean to say MY GOD PEOPLE.

Brenda thought that Dylan had already left to head up to the Big House to visit THEE Jack McKay, and then Dylan's all, "Is it totally unprofessional to kiss you at work?" and YES IT IS BUT DO IT DO IT.

But first MORE of this.

And then they kiss and it is perfect and Brenda sort of snorts as she pulls away from him and it was heaven YES, YES I KNOW THIS ISN'T REAL.  But it should be.

Dylan pulls a candy cane from his pocket and tells her he got it from Hobo Claus outside and that it's probably poisoned.  Which is what I would think, too, so I guess Dylan is as awful as me.  As Brenda wipes her lipstick from his mouth (THEY'RE JUST SO NATURAL TOGETHER) she's all, "Oh, now that's the Christmas spirit." And then he goes into a tired (but entirely accurate) diatribe about how Christmas is dreadful and people are dreadful and fucking Los Angeles is dreadful.  Only maybe I added that last bit.  Which is only partially true.

Dylan gifts Brenda with one piece of a those heart necklaces that I was always desperate to have my imaginary boyfriend give me.

She tells him it's beautiful and asks after the other piece.  He presents it to her in his palm; she takes it and places it beside hers in the box and it's just too, too lovely.  She's says, "I love it.  And I love you," and more kissing.  I just can't wait for some thirsty blonde hussy to come in and destroy all of this, can you?

Dylan's off to prison but before he can say his goodbyes, the lady from before walks up.  And, fine, Brenda's working and all, but can't this bitch see that she's interrupting the greatest love story of all time? AND, she's a total cunt about it, to wit: "'Scuse me, miss? Is this gonna go on sale the day after Christmas? You know, last year, I bought this gorgeous but outrageously expensive leather jacket here 2 days before Christmas.  I come back a few days later only to notice that you have slashed all the prices 40%.  Now I don't think that's fair, do you? I would like to buy the blouse now.  If I buy it now I should get the sale price, because after Christmas, it's gonna be on sale." Thus concludes The Most Realistic Portion Of This Episode.

We're not done here? I really thought this story line had come to a merciful conclusion after Steve called a few people and didn't come up with any leads or anything and then headed back home.  I guess not.

He goes through his whole riff about "Karen Brown or a relative of Karen Brown" and the man on the other end gruffs, "Who is this? What do you want?" Steve tells him it's very important and then the man senses Steve is The Worst and hangs up.  Steve picks up the public phone book he's graffiti'ed and circles the Brown's Cafe entry.  Because this hayseed town apparently combines both the White Pages and the Yellow Pages and also apparently has 175 Browns living in it.  But also: isn't this hayseed town Albuquerque? Is Albuquerque this small? I never plan on visiting there, so if someone who has knowledge of it could let me know, that'd be great.

Office Building Of Taylor.

Inside, we have a shot of a hand-held mixer that's stirring up what I can only assume is some kind of cocaine-infused slurry.

The person doing the mixing is Kelly, wearing a cute shirt, who turns off the device and says, "Mom, nothing's happening."

JACKIE! comes over and tells her daughter, "Trust me.  They're going to get stiff like all the dick's I've sucked for coke money." Here, Jackie looks like Blanche Devereaux's younger sister.  Not a bad thing, mind you.  Although that turtleneck feces she's wearing was obviously found on the floor of the dressing room of the Glendale T.J. Maxx.  Jackie tells Kelly to have patience and then tends to her ruined cream of carrot soup, which she dumps down the drain from the tiniest sauce pan ever.  Who the fuck serves cream of carrot soup on Christmas? It's call Stove Top Stuffing and it comes in a box and it is delicious, Jackie.

Yick, then Jackie decides to tempt fate and go on and on and on about how great her relationship with Mel is and that it's "really the first totally healthy relationship I can ever remember." Yeeeeeah, get back to me on that in about a year's time, Jacks.  And then she talks about how they still have passion (MY EARDRUMS JUST ESCAPED MY BODY OUT OF MY VAGINA) and to get her mother to shut the fuck up so that she doesn't vomit into the egg whites, Kelly lies, "I'm happy if you're happy." You're a good daughter, Kelly.

As a sidebar, Kelly brings the mixer close and declares, "They're getting stiff!" and then she makes a face and adds, "How weird," and she was really cute in this moment.

The doorbell rings and Jackie goes to open the Taylor Spaceship Hatch.  On the stoop stands that candy-ass Mel, who's carrying flowers.  Jackie fawns all over them because the only other things a man has ever given her is an intense burning sensation while urinating and maybe some genital lice.

Bottom line: this fucking guy is here to very last minutely inform Jackie that he and David can't join her and Kelly for Christmas Eve dinner.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, Jackie takes this as bad news.  Mel informs her that Crazy Sheila Silver wants to spend their first Christmas Eve as a separated couple together.  Which makes perfect sense to me and is not at all an indication of Sheila's future declining mental health.  He continues by telling Jackie that Sheila's depressed (you don't know from "depressed," dude) and says, "You should've heard her on the phone.  I'm a little worried." So just placate her by going over there, but don't actually see about getting her some professional psychological help? She won't end up on the streets of Portland, Oregon in some kind of bipolar fugue state in a few years or anything.

On and on (and on and on) this conversation goes, with Jackie telling Mel that she feels like a total fool and that the last 6 months have meant nothing and that she's let down walls that have been up longer than she can remember (walls made of coke?) and that she talked to Kelly about him (which she was doing within the first week she was dating the guy, really) and that she made up "silly plans" for them.  "Silly," as in pushing Mel into some kind of running steam turbine that they come across while out on a walk for some reason?

Whatever, she shoves the flowers into his wormy chest and he tells her she's overreacting and she's all. "Nope!" and then he walks out, hopefully into the waiting arms of Death.  Then and only then will it truly be a Christmas Miracle.

Kelly, who came out from the kitchen to witness the latter part of this mess, consoles her mother with a hug.  Jackie: "I feel so stupid." I mean, you should, given that sweater and all.  But not because of anything having to do with the walking, talking Wall Of Paint Drying known around these parts as Mel Fucking Silver...except for maybe the fact that you probably let him spooge all over your stomach a lot over the past half-year.  But try to put that out of your mind for the time being.

Exterior, Brown's Cafe, which I'm going to assume is the Peach Pit of this trash heap town.  Steve exits a cab as Walker, Texas Ranger plays in G-sharp.

(Apropos of nothing, Steve's jacket is heinous.)

Steve talks to some Old Timer. "I'm the guy who called a little while ago." Old Timer sees Steve's hair and clothing: "Get up out my face."  And then: "Yes, I know [Karen Brown]! I'm her father!" Grandpa and Grandson are now going to talk over coffee.  Nice bolo tie, Grandpa Brown.

Brenda's Boutique.  Which is apparently called Tracey Ross.  Which was apparently a big-ass deal here in L.A.  Which I just found out.  The only thing I cared about from that article is that Jerry Seinfeld's girlfriend from the '90s, Shoshanna Lonstein, worked there one summer.  Amazing.

Where were we? Kelly comes in and ensures that Brenda's going to be fired, given that all she does at work is make out with her boyfriend and solve her friend's low-rent familial dramas.  The only good part of this conversation is when Kelly informs Brenda that Jackie really likes Mel: "I'm not sure why, but she does." Yeah, none of us are sure.

She then proves what a vapid, materialistic asshole she truly is (more so) by saying, "Maybe if I buy her another present she won't teeter off the edge of the wagon she's barely clutching onto and fall nostril-first into a chasm of gutter glitter she'll feel better, you think?" In conclusion: Brenda invites Kelly and Jackie to the Walsh house that night and they'll bring a dessert: "My mom made this incredible chocolate mousse that totally won't be laced with cocaine now that she's such an unstable, will-powerless depressive or anything.  You will not believe it."  Great.

Hobo Claus is back! To unfortunately elongate this scene even further.  He says to Kelly, "Ho ho ho!" and you got that right, Hobo Claus.  RIM SHOT FOR THE CHEAP SEATS!

Predictably, Deidre sees Hobo Claus and kicks him out of the store again.  I would feel bad for the guy but there's something I need to say: Hobo Claus? Please get back to me after you've laundered your beard.  Seriously, it's really bothering me how filthy-looking that thing is.  And the white trim around his hat looks like matted fur on sidewalk sale stuffed animal.  I know he's homeless, but Jesus, man.  Have some pride.  I'm only saying these things because I'm awful and again: HOW DID IT GET SO DIRTY SO FAST.  It's been, like, 3 hours since he stole the thing from the Peach Pit.  Did he immediately locate a pile of scuz to roll around in? HELP ME UNDERSTAND.

Hospital Exterior That They Always Use.

Inside, Brandon, carrying a present, approaches a nurses' station and says, "Hi, I'm here to see Emily Valentine."

As the nurse dials Emily's room, Emily, now with 100% less root grow-out! walks out of another room, sees Brandon, turns tail and RUN EMILY RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

Not really.  She approaches and they wish each other a Merry Christmas and she's all, "Well, if you had any ideas I was crazy, I guess they're confirmed now, huh?" Uh, I'm pretty sure those ideas were confirmed and notarized when this happened:

And this:

And this:

And when you contributed to this happening:

And when you wore this:

And did this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

But thanks anyway for the heads' up, Em.

Brandon: "I tried calling, ya know." Emily: I know.  My doctor thought it was best I stay out of touch for a while but thank you for completely disrespecting that and coming here, even though I made it perfectly clear that I didn't want to see you by refusing your phone calls." Brandon asks if she should leave.  Emily does not do as I would do and say, "Fuck yes!" while escorting Brandon to the nearest elevator or dumbwaiter, but rather tells him, "It's nice to see you." They sit down and she begins to apologize for, you know, nearly lighting his house on fire, but he brushes off her attempted arson as no biggie.

Then the following things that I don't wish to give much, if any, attention to, happen: 1. Emily says the hospital is good for her.  2. She might get to go home for Christmas dinner.  3.  She makes a GLORIOUS dig at AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea when she talks about going back to school: "Maybe [she] can write an article, 'Nutcase Returns to West Beverly'." 4. She opens Brandon's gift and it's the fucking Minnesota Twins' jersey, which I'm certain brings up a lot of great memories for her.  5. She opens up a card that was signed by the entirety of The Gang.  6.  Brandon says, "They all woulda been here, except you have this ridiculously restrictive visitors' policy." 7. Don't lie, Brandon.

Interior, Office Building Of Taylor.  Kelly fiddles with the Christmas tree.  The doorbell rings and she's really gonna regret answering it because...

BAH.  It's David in some kind of silk-blend, color-blocked, Sinbad-ian atrocity.  He's stopped by to give Kelly her Christmas present.  She sasses, "What makes you so sure I'd want a present from you?" He explains that it's not his fault, that Crazy Sheila Silver is only using him as a pawn so that Mel will spend time with her; he wants his parents to get back together but he likes Jackie and didn't want her or Kelly to get hurt.  And, I'm pretty sure this is the biggest Christmas Miracle of them all (or, the Random Day In February Miracle of them all) but I actually liked David here.  Even after he gives her her present and tells her not to open it in front of her mom, and she asks why and he's all, "It vibrates." It was funny! I swear.  Or perhaps I should look into whatever Fake Hospital Emily's being treated at and reserve myself a bed.

Coffee being poured into mugs by Al, a.k.a. Old Timer, a.k.a. Steve's bio-maternal grandfather.

No.  I can't do this anymore.  This scene goes on for FOREVER and all I could say, ALOUD, as I was transcribing it was, "Can we just fucking get a move on to the BIG REVEAL that bitch is dead???" Yes, Steve's biological mother, who had him when she was a teenager (having been impregnated by Rush Sanders which we don't find out here and won't for another four very loooooooong seasons) and gave him up for adoption and then went off to college in Albuquerque (thereby letting us know that this shit stain hamlet is not The ABQ) and then married and then got into a fatal car accident and now she's dead.  Dead in the ground.  And Al's all breathlessly, "I'm sorry.  I'm sure she would've liked to have seen you." Don't lie, Al.  Not now.

And also: tough break, Steve-O.

Exterior, H.O.W., daytime, because this is truly The Longest Day or the Walshes now live in Alaska where it's sunny at 11 p.m.

Inside to the living room.  Fuck me.  Jim's playing "Silent Night" on his Dorkmeister J keyboard.

Brandon rushes in, talking about some big surprise that he and his father have planned for Cindy.  For those of you keeping track, I don't care.

Doorbell rings.  Cindy goes to get it, but not before sticking her head into the living room and hissing, "I hope you guys like turkey, there's gonna be leftovers for months." I like this new, cunty Cindy.  We could hang.

She opens the door and HOT BITCH SAMANTHA SANDERS.  Cindy stands there like the rube that she is as Samantha introduces herself and then they talk about what an obvious Hot Bitch Samantha is.  

After inquiring if anyone's heard from Steve, Brandon appears and Samantha informs them that it's been 4 days since she's heard from her son and she's filed a missing persons' report with the police, and then the police initiated a warrant for Sam's arrest, seeing as her negligent ass allowed her (supposed) 17 year-old to go schlepping off to New Mexico on his own.  But she doesn't get into those details.  She does, however, say, "I never should've let him go.  But he was so adamant, so insistent on finding his real mother, that I thought that standing in his way would only make things worse." Tell it to the judge, sister.

Cindy insists that Steve will call, and then Samantha brags about buying Steve so many gifts for Christmas as a child that he grew up to be a complete crap sack of a human being.  (I'm paraphrasing.) She concludes with, "Maybe I gave him too many presents." Don't be ridiculous! Gifting your son with a brand new Corvette after he convinced your weasel-like costar to appear in some shitty reunion show is a totally decent thing to do and not at all something a degenerative Beverly Hills Garbage Parent who should've been sterilized after exiting their mother's womb would do.  But Samantha doesn't agree: "Whatever I did, it just backfired." Well, attempting to purchase someone's love and loyalty with expensive gifts tends to do that.

Then Cindy tells ALL THE LIES: "That's not true.  I know Steve - he's a wonderful boy." No, that sentiment wasn't followed by Cindy bursting out into gales of laughter.  Fast forward approximately 17 eons and it's decided that Samantha will spend Christmas Eve dinner with the Walshes and some shady street person Brenda's about to bring home with her.  What fun.

Next: a shot of Karen Mulligan-nee-Brown's headstone.

Steve kneels down with a bouquet of flowers, places them at the base of the headstone and stands back up next to Al.  They talk about...you know, whatever it is people talk about in a situation like this and Steve's all, "So maybe in 20 50 years I'll look like you, huh?" and Al's all, "If you're lucky." Steve then wipes away a tear that isn't there and asks if Al will be his grandfather.  Al's all, "Ehhhhh..." but he eventually relents with, "It'll be my pleasure." I'd maybe get to know him for a week or so before making such proclamations, Big Al.

Steve: "And We'll Never See Or Hear From You Again? And we'll keep in touch? I'll send ya cards and maybe someday you'll come visit me in L.A.?" Jesus Christ, Steve, you fucking Stage 5.  Calm down and have some dignity, man.  Al senses he's got a clinger on his hands so he just says, "Sure thing.  Merry Christmas." Translation: "Time for you to leave now."  And then, THEN, Steve asks for a ride to the airport.  It's one thing after another with this guy.  Way to waltz into town and burden your unwitting grandfather with your woolly presence and abrupt airport drop-off requests.

They walk away from the stone and Steve turns and gives his mother's grave that he'll never visit again one last look.

IT'S FINALLY NIGHTTIME.  Back in Beverly Hills.  A crummy version of "Deck the Halls" plays.

Brenda stands with Deidre as she locks up the boutique and says, "Despite all of your pig-friends coming in and dumping their problems on you, You did great today, Brenda, just great." And then they do the Euro kiss-kiss on the cheeks and bid each other adieu.

Brenda heads down the sidewalk and comes upon these two cops questioning Hobo Claus.  I don't care.  All you need to know is that Brenda invites the crazy old coot back to H.O.W. for dinner, which won't make anyone uncomfortable or anything.

Into the Walsh kitchen.  Cindy's prepping something and Jim's fronting like he's helping.  Sam comes in and insists that she assist and yanks a plate from Jim's hands, thereby allowing him to sink further into the depths of worthlessness, nearing Worthless Nat levels.

Brenda and Hobo Claus enter.  Everyone's really uncomfortable.  Imagine that.

Jim, Cindy and Brenda head into the foyer to discuss Hobo Claus joining them for dinner.  Jim and Cindy are not down.  Brenda's all, "My instincts tell me that he's harmless," and James Eckhouse really sells Jim's hilarious response of, "Oh, that makes me feel a lot better."

The doorbell rings, it's Jackie and Cindy (both looking pretty and dressed up, although both of their hairdos leave much to be desired), Brenda hadn't yet informed her mother that the Taylors would be joining them, the Christmas antics keep rolling, Jackie keeps it classy as always and dumps her 40-something, boyfriend melodrama in Cindy's lap, Cindy's all, "I'm sorry," and Jackie reminds us, "I have survived worse." Yes, yes you have.  Like this:

And this:

And when you wore this:

And allowed this to happen:

And who could forget this:

Our Jackie: She's A Trooper!

So whatever, the very obviously-insane homeless guy who claims to be Santa Claus, Jackie, Kelly and Samantha are staying for dinner!  Cindy says, "It's beginning to feel like a real Christmas," because Cindy needs to get out of the house more.

Steve, running through...some kind of...warehouse...storage area? Apparently, though, this is the "airport." Where randoms can dash around among the planes and that's not concerning in the slightest.

Shot of this guy, who's also Hobo Claus, although he's not a hobo here; he's Pilot Claus! Does anyone want to see me cry?

Since this scene falls under the category of "I Can't," here's the lowdown: as always, Steve uses money (seriously, wads of hundies in a 17 year-old's pocket) to get his way by bribing Pilot Santa to fly him in his Olde Timey plane to L.A. so that he can spend Christmas with his friends and family because the universe revolves around Steve and he is The Most Important.  (Oh, but before he accepts the money, Pilot Claus lets us know that he's just as batshit as Hobo Claus when he says, "Wish I could help ya, but this is Christmas Eve.  Obviously, I've got places to go," BECAUSE SEE HE'S ACTUALLY SANTA CLAUS DO YOU GET IT.)

Once in the air, Pilot Claus starts calling out the reindeers' names and Steve says, "Could you take it easy with the reindeer stuff, huh? You're beginning to make me nervous." I, in turn, decide that tonight's the night I'm finally going to Chase The Dragon.  Wish me luck!

H.O.W.  A less-shit version than before of "Deck the Halls" plays.  Cindy grabs a tray with a cooked turkey on it and brings it into the dining room, telling everyone to eat up.  Also: hullo Cindy, Jackie AND Samantha in the same scene! My The Moms Of West Bev dreams are coming to fruition!

Hobo Claus compliments the food and Jim asks if he can lick his sack.  No.  That didn't happen.  But it would've made for a far better story line if it had.  Anyway, Jim asks if he can take Santa's sack, but of course, said sack is full of poached goods from the schmanciest stores in Beverly Hills, so Hobes declines the offer.

Another doorbell ring.  Cindy and Samantha go to answer it together.

Oh crap, it's AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  She's carrying some tin-foil-wrapped something that's probably as bland and beige as she is.  She says that she told Brandon that she might stop by and that she brought a brisket her grandmother made.

Cindy introduces AHHHHHHHNdrea to Samantha, who shakes her hand and says, "Steve's mom.  I've heard a lot about you." And then this fucking no self-respect geek pathetically inquires, "You have?" The fucking Zuck, you guys.

Brandon arrives.  The conversation between their equally ghastly sweaters is stupid.  Whatever.

And then it's PRISON.  And this, like, MEGA SERIOUS SYNTH MUSIC starts, and it's initially a little like the Law & Order gong, but with like, 65% more early-'90s flare.

Inside to some Prison Common Area, like a break room for felons.  There's a family sitting around a table, I guess trying to pretend that Daddy's not in the slammer and just wearing a standard issue jumpsuit because he likes how he looks in it.  And oh, gee.  Look who it is: Hobo Claus/Pilot Claus.  Except here he's just Regular Claus.  I hate this so much I literally have tears made of my blood and like, internal organs coming out of my eyes at this very moment.

Shot of Dylan sitting at another table, looking just as sickened about this whole thing as I am.

Regular Claus comes up all, "HO HO HO," loud and obnoxious and DYLAN'S FACE.  RIGHT.  HERE.  It's everything and more.  Regular Claus needs to step the fuck off after he asks who Dylan's there to see.  Please go shank yourself with one of your candy canes, Regular Claus.  And you can take Hobo and Pilot Clauses with you.

Shot of THEE Jack McKay (okay, I'm done with that now), walking down the hallway with a guard.

After Dylan is able to rid himself of the scourge that is the Omnipresent Claus, Jack enters the room looking like he belongs in the plebeian town where Steve just visited.  Sidebar here: yet another great casting choice with Josh Taylor.  He and Luke Perry definitely look like they could be father and son.

It's all awkward and Dylan picks up a bag of stuff he brought for Jack: "It's not a lot.  Thought it would keep you entertained in here." I'm pretty sure all of the shower-time sodomy is keeping him plenty entertained, but I suppose some variety would be appreciated.

And then it's all very "Cats In The Cradle" and Dylan talks about not wanting to visit so that he could teach his dad a lesson about all the times he, Jack, left Dylan with the maid on Christmas, but in the end he had to visit because he knew how much it would hurt Jack if he didn't.  Or something.

Jack talks about prison being like his monastery (?) and that he's a monk (???) and all he does is think and read and eat bad food.  He's all, "I always used to hate people that meditated," and Dylan adds, "Yeah, like Mom." Jack concurs: "Yes, yes, it always drove me crazy.  I thought it was weak.  But I guess that's what I do now, I meditate.  And I think about you, Dylan, and what a strong son I have, who's out there in the world all alone just like I was." And that was nice, I guess.  "Nice" in the way that only a fraudulent former-millionaire who's now incarcerated can be when talking about the son he callously abandoned years before.

Dylan wants to eat dinner with Jack, but Jack asks after Brenda, telling him that he should go have Christmas dinner with her and that, "You have given me probably the greatest Christmas present that I could ever ask for.  More than I deserve." Dylan says that he doesn't want Jack to be alone and Jack approaches his son, places his hands on his shoulders, and assures him, "I'm not alone anymore." And then they hug and god I love this story line.  I love Dylan's family's back-story and what's to come in Season 3.  Even though it coincides with Other Story Lines That Shall Not Be Named, because Kelly and her vagina are now akin to Voldemort, apparently.

Back to the foyer of H.O.W.  Looking into the dining room, you can see that Jackie has somehow managed to get into the liquor cabinet and is now attempting to rub her nethers all up on Jim's thigh.  His is not displeased by this prospect.

Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea exit the dining room.  They are dullsville so let's move on.

Ugh.  Hobo Claus compliments Cindy's dinner.  Gives her a probably-pilfered something-or-other.  Jim comes up from behind, munching on either a pubic hair or perhaps a sprig of parsley in a desperate attempt to get the taste of Jackie's stank Popov breath out of his mouth.  Cindy pulls a silky scarf from the box as Hobo Claus heads into the living room with another package...

...which he hands to Brenda; they're earrings; she shows them to her parents and Jim's all, "I don't know if we can accept this gift." Brenda insists that they can.

Hobo Claus approaches AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who says, "Oh, I couldn't." Whatever, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, it's probably just a box of Malt-O-Meal or something equally as bland to match your bland personality, you drip.

As he continues to hand out gifts, Cindy mentions to Jim that this obviously unhinged stranger in their house sure seems to have a lot of expensive presents in his bag.  Sharp as a tack, Our Cindy! She's off to "count the silver," but of COURSE the doorbell rings again...

BARF.  David and Mel.

YOW.  David's Sinbad-ian suede jacket is nearly as eye-gougingly repulsive as his nearly identical Sinbad-ian shirt.  Mel asks if Jackie's there...

...which is Jackie's cue to emerge from the kitchen, slathered in bitch, all, "Hello, Mel." YESSSSSSS.  Some low-classy DRAMZZZZZZZ is about to go down, and of course it's going down in the House Of Walsh! People who don't live there have shrieking matches there ALL the time! It's an American tradition! Anyway, Mel asks if he can talk to her alone...

...and Jackie, who's David's Hair Twin, silently turns on her heel and heads back into the kitchen.

Cindy excuses herself from being alone with David and having to make chit chat with some kid who's only, like, half a friend to her kids, and then Nosy Slut David moves toward the kitchen door to drop some eaves and probably take some notes on his father's weak "moves."

So here's what Mel says, in the most lifeless, sleep-inducing tone possible: "I'm really sorry, Jackie.  I screwed up.  I really blew it.  I made a stupid, stupid mistake." I really wish I could convey the utter non-passion dude is bringing to this apology.  He goes on and on and on for FOREVER, saying he can't keep feeling like he owes Sheila and that, "there's a point where when you separate, you just gotta really separate."  And then, "I...drove around torturing myself, feeling like a jerk.  Until it hit me.  You're the one I wanna be with, Jackie." He just realized that? 6 months in? Dude's game sucks.  Although, maybe he realizes things as slowly as he says things.  That would make sense.  So they exchange "I love yous" and he grossly jerks her towards him and plants The Least Romantic Kiss EVER on her and then we all have to go take baths and showers and such because we've never felt so unclean in our lives.

David watches his father round first base with Jackie as Kelly walks up.  She asks what happened and David, pretty much verbatim, tells her everything Mel robotronly told Jackie.

He's blissfully stopped by Mel and Jackie exiting the kitchen and then Mel puts the moves on Kelly and we all have to go Silkwood ourselves once more.

GODDAMN it, the doorbell rings, and it's Donna, who explains to Kelly that there was no snow in Mammoth, so the Family Martin came home.  And her parents apparently weren't good enough to spend the evening with so she came over here.

Cindy reenters, all, "Oh, my goodness.  And I thought we were just gonna have a quiet little Christmas." Donna, charmingly awkward: "Oh.  Well, I can leave if you want." Cindy assures her that she's welcome and to head into the living room with the others while she goes and takes stock of the valuables.  Donna's hair here is...odd, but facially, she looks very pretty.

David: "Hi." Donna: "Hi." And OH DEAR, this was actually a pretty cute interaction.  They look at each other all googly-eyed and I'M NOT A ROBOT LIKE MEL OKAY.  Sometimes young love, even one that involves David Silver, gets to me, ALL RIGHT.

Back to this.  Brandon's gift from Hobo Claus was some vintage WWI-era dog tags.  I wonder if he'll wear them in conjunction with his Jesus ankh, or separately.  I can't wait to find out.

These two appear in the doorway and of course they're standing underneath the mistletoe and why was that even hung in the first place? Initially, it was only going to be the Walshes at the gathering.  So...perhaps for Brandon and Brenda's sake? No one seems to mind all of the other goddamn times Brandon's put The Moves on his sister.  And even if Cindy hung it after Samantha had arrived, that's still bizarre.  Was she hoping Mary Jo Hartley and Jim would explore each other's mouths with their tongues? I just don't understand.

So then Samantha peaces out, obviously fibbing when she says, "I hate to be the first to leave a really good party, but I should be going home." She bids the others good night, a thousandtine more Merry Christmases are uttered, I weep softly into my cheeseburger and Jim goes to see her out.

He asks her if there's anything else they can do and Samantha says, "Just pray that he's okay.  Thank you for being there.  My son has some wonderful friends." Jim is saved from informing her that really, Brandon's Steve's only friend by Cindy shrilling from upstairs, "Jim, come up here, quick!"

Jim rushes into his and Cindy's bedroom asking what the prob is.  Cindy, near hysterics: "He didn't touch the silver but he's taken my engagement ring!" You mean this one? So...no big loss, right?

She continues to rant and rave and she's all ready to call the cops when Jim comes over, takes the phone from her hands, pulls a small box from his pocket and presents it to her.

She opens it and...meh.  He tells her he took it to a jeweler over a week before to have it reset.  Cindy does not tell him the real reason she wasn't wearing it: because catching a glimpse of it while she's being plowed from behind by Glen makes her feel guilty.  Rather, she weaves some yarn about how "I only took it off 'cause the stone was loose." Suuuuuure, Cindy.  We believe you.

Anyway, she says, "I hardly recognize it.  It's just gorgeous," the implication here, of course, being that the previous version was not gorgeous.  Which is completely accurate.  Jim then goes into some saccharine-spiked story about not being able to afford much when he asked her to marry him, but promising himself that if he ever had money, he'd make up for it.  And it only took him 18 years!

So she loves it, he seriously goes in on some macking, and then she feels all guilty about even daring to consider the idea that a strange drifter with obvious psychological issues could've stolen from her.  YOU'RE FUCKING TERRIBLE CINDY.  Or completely logical in your fears.  Whatever.  So then she says she basically wants to play dumb and be naive and pretend that people are honest and that it's a safe world they live in and Cindy's fucking stupid, yo.  Jim adds, "And there really is a Santa Claus.  And he's sitting in our living room right now." Cindy, proving her aforementioned fucking stupidness: "Why not? I mean, he's gotta spend Christmas Eve somewhere." I hope he robs you blind, you daft bitch.

Sanctum Of Sanders.

Samantha enters and stands in the foyer for about 15 minutes, all forlorn and dejected because she misses Steve and the very thought makes her feel very funny inside.  Like when you know you have the squirts coming on but don't know what to do.  A T.V. is heard playing in the background and we all hear it about an hour before Samantha does.  She calls out, "Steve!" and hustles up the stairs...

...and around the corner into his room...

...where THERE HE IS OH MY GOD THIS IS SO GREAT.  Or completely anticlimactic and no one cares.  Sure.

Steve jumps up off the bed and then he goes into a riff about what his real mother's like: "She's beautiful.  And she's caring.  And she created me outta her love.  17 years of it." I see what you're doing here, you sneaky little imp who's 41 years-old.  He continues: "And with her busy life she always made sure I was as happy as I could be.  She always tried to show me to do the right thing and failed miserably on that front.  She was always there for me when I didn't.  Gave me everything I ever wanted, definitely probably more than I deserved.  And no matter what, she always let me know how much she loved me.  I'm sorry I had to go so far away to find you, Mom." And then HUGS! and then "I'll never leave ya on Christmas again." And I'm not made entirely of stone, you know.  As cheesy as this scene was, it was also very sweet.

Back here.  Donna's now in Hobo Claus' lap? Because that's not unseemly or anything? I guess not when compared to Cindy hanging mistletoe in the hopes that her children would use its presence as a reason to get into a little mouth-play with each other at some point in the evening.

Whatever, here's where we're informed that Christmas Day is also Donna's birthday: "My birthday is on Christmas and nobody ever remembers." Least of all your TERRIBLE FUCKING FRIEND KELLY JESUS CHRIST.  She goes on: "They always give me Christmas presents and call them birthday presents, or give me birthday presents and call them Christmas presents.  And I never get a cake or my own party."

And then everyone AWWWWWWWs and KELLY YOU'RE A WHORE.

SWEET SATAN HOBO CLAUS STARTS SINGING THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG AND EVERYONE JOINS IN.  I said it earlier in this recap and I'll say it again OH THE HUMANITY.  It hurts so, so much.

At one point, Brandon and David stand up and gesticulate wildly towards Donna.  She, in turn, does not fling herself out the plate glass window behind her.

The doorbell, which should be broken from overuse by this point, rings, Brenda goes to answer it and everyone in the living room determines it's AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's turn on Hobo Claus' lap, mostly in the hopes that once she's done asking for whatever nerdly wares she's set her sites on, she'll leave.  You'll note here that everyone is grabbing at her to stand up, including Mel! Who's TOTALLY making a grab for one of her sweater yams here.  Hands off, you fucking deviant.

To the door and HURRAY.  He comes in and hands her a single rose and she is predictably adorably thrilled.  She asks about Jack and he tells her, "He's doin' real good.  It's nice to see the Christmas spirit finally penetrate a McKay."

Speaking of penetration, Jim and Cindy descend the staircase following Cindy's Pity Fucking of Jim.

And then everyone's Merry Christmasing everyone else and Jim gives Dylan a hug! because who wouldn't.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea sitting on Santa's lap.  And wouldn't ya know: girlfriend's yammering on about being a non-Christmas celebrating loser and Hobo Claus has the first lucid thought he's had in years when he thinks about fashioning a noose out of his patent leather belt and grimy beard, just to get some sweet relief from this buzzkill's tiresome prattling.

Thanks be to Satan's minions that Jim, Cindy, Dylan and Brenda rescue everyone from any more of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's inane chattering that precisely no one cares about with their presence.  Dylan sees Hobo Claus and asks, "Didn't I see you somewhere earlier today, Santa?" Dylan is apparently unawares of all the ~Christmas Magic~ afoot.  H.C. plays dumb, saying he's been a complete albatross at the H.O.W. all evening.

Cindy sits down on the arm of the couch and goes back on her promise to be naive by inquiring of Hobo Claus, "Just who are you, anyway?" He asks, "What's wrong?" and I'm all, "YOUR BEARD IS FUCKING FILTHY AND IT'S SKEEVING EVERYONE OUT." And then this spooky lunatic, who's already hijacked the entire night's festivities, goes into the following cock-and-bull hogwashery that I guess is supposed to be an analogy or something, and everyone just sits there and listens to it and no one calls the authorities to bring their giant butterfly net out or anything.

Okay.  Here goes: "I wanted to know what happened to the magic of Christmas.  I didn't believe it existed anymore.  You see, for over 40 years, Mrs. Claus and I lived in a big house high up on the hill, and she made the most wonderful Christmas dinner.  We had a big tree with loads of presents for lots of little elves.  But the elves grew up, and they moved away.  Some of them far away and had elves of their own.  Santa used to visit them UPS and Mrs. Claus always made sure they got their gifts on time.  And even though it was only she and Santa left in this big house, she still made it the most splendid Christmas dinners.  But last year, Mrs. Claus died.  And as far as I was concerned, Christmas died with her.  I wanted to pretend that Christmas didn't exist anymore, but something inside of me told me to go looking for it anyway.  I was beginning to believe the only place Santa belonged in this town was in jail...until that girl..."

And here we're benevolently gifted with a shot of GORGEOUS Brenda, so that we might be able to heal, following the dreck that just poured out of the demented man's mouth.  He thanks her for "making me believe again in the spirit of Christmas." WHATEVER.

MY GOD IT'S THE DOORBELL AGAIN WILL IT EVER END.  This time, Brandon goes to answer it...

...and NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  No.  It's Worthless Nat.  Backed by a bunch of Worthless Carolers.  And the moment Brandon opens the door they start singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." GO BACK TO YOUR SIDE OF THE HILL TRASH.

For some odd reason, the prospect of being face-to-face with warbling people piques everyone's interests, so the rest of The Gang + parents + Apparent Guest Of Honor Hobo Claus, sidle up behind Brandon.  I'd just like to mention that my butthole has completely closed in on itself from all the cringing and clenching I did while watching this part.  I just thought you should know.  Also, at one point during this agony, Jim's all, "Aww, that's great." STOP FUCKING LYING JIM.  

The singing ends and I begin the rehabilitation of my rectum.  But it's about to get, if not worse, than very similarly appalling, so it's really all for naught.  Cindy asks everyone to come in for a drink but since Nat is at once worthless and inconsiderate, he ditches his trash-haired companions and tells them he'll catch up with them later.

This happens.  I've nothing to say because my will to live long ago flew this coop.  All I can do at this point is keep myself numb with hardcore drug use and my daily routine of rocking and moaning on bare hardwood floors.  Nat's all, "Ooo, I like that." Yes, because you're an old, inbred lech with a feathered pile of rubbish for hair.  Oh, and he tells Brandon that he found his Santa suit, thereby clearing Hobo Claus' good name.  Because, see, the real Santa Claus would take something that wasn't his.

Oh, Jim.  No.  He's all, "Hey, come on, everyone, let's go in the living room and sing some carols of our own." LET'S NOT AND SAY WE DIDN'T.  But seriously: he says it like it's just the baddest ass thing anyone could ever do.  I guess he thinks it's going to get all of the old ladies' (Cindy, Jackie, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea) vaginal walls lubed up.  Jim Walsh: What A Tantalizer.

So as the group heads back into the living room to participate in the sing-along version of Armageddon, Brandon sneaks out the front door.  Because he wants to save himself.

Jim, gathering his keyboard: "All right, come on in, everyone.  Gather round.  Now we all know this one." And then he starts singing the "White Christmas" rendition of my goddamn nightmares.  Hobo Claus, TAKE THE WHEEL.  Like, I'm not kidding you when I say that I removed my earbuds from my ears at this point in the episode while transcribing.  The fontrum runs deep, deep in my veins.

So as this torment goes on, Cindy proceeds to have an orgasm, as demonstrated here, and she shrieks, "Oh, my god, Jim! It's snowing!"

Shot of the window and snow falling outside of it.

Outside, I will grudgingly admit that Good Son (in the moment) Brandon is spraying the house with a snow-maker(?) machine.  While doing so, Steve's Corvette carrying him and Samantha, rolls up the driveway.

Brandon props the hose up and goes to greet his friend, even though he's kind of disappointed because he thought he was never going to see the cretin again and thereby would've saved us from another 7 seasons of the "Steve's A Buffoon, Brandon Bails Him Out, Rinse And Repeat" story lines.  The trio heads inside, but not before Steve and Brandon pull snaps off each other.

Back here, everything's still a goddamn mess.

Steve enters, greets Worthless Nat, then eyes Hobo Claus, who winks at him in order to acknowledge their obvious cosmic, nonsensical, horror-show of an idiotic connection.

Steve sits down behind Kelly and...blows on her hair? Which was weird, yes, but it leads to a lovely moment where she's clearly thrilled to see him and they hug.

And then NO ONE WILL STOP SINGING and it goes on for a millenia as the camera pans over the lot of them, finally making its way back to the tree with the snow falling outside the window.  Which was a nice last shot that still wasn't enough to remedy my non-stop cry-laughing and the Tourette's Syndrome I picked up after recapping this extra-long (so very, very extra-long) episode.

Join me back here next time for a rundown of "Fire and Ice," which, even though it's a Brandon-based episode, will be a goddamn pleasure to write about after the plague that was this one.  And it's not 375 hours long, either, so it'll be a breeze! I mean, it will probably be several months weeks before it's completed but still.  Bring on Brandon and his sickening growth that's supposed to be some kind of gaping, ice-skate blade-inflicted wound but mostly looks like a bit of smeared chocolate or feces on his cheek:

I'm counting down the minutes starting....NOW.