Sunday, October 2, 2016

Season 2, Episode 24: The Pit and the Pendulum - Or, GEE WHAT'S NEW Brandon Makes Everything All About Brandon

In which FUUUUUUUUUUCK remember when television shows aired like, 75 episodes per season (reality: 25-28)? I realize that the first couple of 90210 seasons were longer because of the Summer Episodes, but Jesus Christ.  I am so ready for Season 3, even though it includes My Least Favorite Story Line In The History Of Television.

We open with some horrible rockabilly-adjacent music (which is almost certainly some ass-track they had to replace whatever originally played here for the DVDs) playing as we see a bunch of Old Timey pictures, the first of which is the HOLLYWOODLAND sign...

...then Grauman's Chinese Theater...

...then this one, which is a picture of the set from the Babylon sequence of the 1916 silent film Intolerance. (The Hollywood and Highland Center, which is directly to the east of Grauman's, has a three-story courtyard which was inspired by this scene.  Do you care? No? Just me? Okay.)...

...an autographed photo of Walt Disney...

...a black-and-white of Don Drysdale...

...the Capitol Records building...

...the inside of the Peach Pit in the Olden Days, and then over to Season 1 Peach Pit? I guess? I am already so bored.

We finally pan down to Worthless Nat, who's been Sad Sackily (and Worthlessly) gazing upon all of these photos.  We hear a ruckus in the background...

...which turns out to be Brandon, Steve and Dylan playing air hockey of sorts with saucers and coffee mugs on the counter top.  Because they are entitled rich assholes.

Nat agrees.

Willie! arrives and says nothing, because Willie's basically a mute until Season 5.

Brandon "wins" or whatever and hops over the counter like a completely unsanitary boor.

He and Dylan do some ludicrous bro-clap...

...and then he reaches down to grab the saucer that wound up on the filthy fucking floor, but Nat gets there first and snips, "Why don't you and your 'fans' stomp on my dishes next time? That way they'll be sure to get broken?" Brandon apologizes, even though he really doesn't mean it, and then Nat gets his cunt on some more and gripes about Brandon doing some work for once in his goddamn life.

After Nat heads to the back room, Steve's all, "The Peach Pit.  L.A.'s newest fun spot." Oh, go buy yourself another silken blouse from Casual Corner and choke on it, you curly-headed stye.

Later, Brandon comes around the corner and into the back room of the Pit and runs into Willie, who says, "'Scuse me, Brandon," so I'm a liar.

Brandon then heads over to Nat, and they talk about mustard and what a little bitch Nat is being, and then Nat waxes regretful about remodeling the restaurant right before the recession hit, and hopefully also about all the free food he gives away on a daily basis.

And then because everything's always All About Brandon, he asks, "Should I start lookin' for another job?" Nat says no, that he'll probably have to get rid of Willie (who most certainly runs circles around Brandon) because he wants a raise after five years, which isn't asking for all that much.  Brandon's all incredulous about Willie getting the boot, and Nat dramatics, "I'm not made of money.  Somethin's gotta give." Good thing you spent a bunch of scratch on karaoke equipment and then got rid of it in like, a week, in the previous episode.  Nat is officially the savviest businessman I know.


The House.


Brandon enters through the back door and into the kitchen, where Cindy, wearing Screech's shirt, stands at the counter with a bunch of food, because she's always either on the phone or dealing with food.  Brandon reaches around her to grab some and she's all, "Aren't you forgetting something? The preliminary meeting of The Teen Advisory Board?" Gee, sounds...like something AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea would be in charge of.

Mother and son enter the foyer and peer into the living room...

...where we see this curly-headed gal talking to a room-full of girls (including Brenda and Kelly) + Jim.  Brandon asks if this can be Brenda's "thing," and that, "I just can't get psyched about being the teen consultant for a shopping mall." Pre-teenage me thinks that sounds like the raddest job EVER.  Cindy reminds him that he promised his father and that it's for some VIP client of Jim's, perhaps the same class act who suggested karaoke at the Peach Pit.


Curly enters the foyer to grab some questionnaires and molests Brandon with her tiiiiiiiight ringlets and eyes...


...and Brandon in turn pops a Woodrow, asking, "Hello, who's that?" because that's not a disturbing way to talk to your mother or anything.  Cindy advises him to get his ass into the meeting and maybe he'll get the chance to bone her.


Jim spots Brandon and tells him to get his ass in the room.


As Brandon enters, Curly's hot on his tail with a, "Ah, so this is the prodigal son." Barf.  Even more barfy because then they start flirting and it's physically painful.

We fade to later in the living room, where Cindy asks Kelly and Brenda if they're down for a sandwich, which they decline...

...and then over to these two, talking about how her father is the Dixon St. Clair (GREAT name, by the way; I'm totally serious), who is the probably-degenerative creator of this mall deal, and Brandon's all, "I guess it isn't what you know," and Curly's all, "And don't you ever forget it," and Jason Priestley generally has pretty good chemistry with all of his Flavors of the Week, but these two are putting me to sleep.  More so than everything else that's happening in this episode, I mean. 


Jim's disgusting and sees the conversation between them and tells Cindy, "If those two ever get together, we could retire." You're vile, Jim.


These three then talk and the universe continues not to care.


Kelly, Brenda watching Curly, Brandon.  Kelly: "I like Marcie.  She's very dynamic." Brenda, sounding sort of jealous: "Yes, and she's hitting on my brother." Kelly: "Forget it.  Marcie St. Clair goes to college for God's sake.  She is the president of her sorority." Brenda sort of bitterly explains that girls have been throwing their pussies at Brandon since they were twelve (it just keeps getting grosser) so she knows it when she sees it.

One more shot of these two, Marcie listening intently as Brandon douches along.

Fade here.

Brandon and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea walk and talk.  He attempts to get her to fill out a questionnaire re the mall and OF COURSE she has an issue with it and asks who put him up to this and I'd like to tell her that it was his penis, seeing as it really wants to worm its way into Marcie's St. Clair. What? I have no idea.

Dylan, Brenda and Donna discuss the questionnaire, too.  Donna gets in a charming line about liking stores that take credit cards.  God, I loved Donna the first few seasons.

Back here.  Brandon tells AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "I don't know if they've done an environmental impact survey.  But if they didn't care about the people or the community, they wouldn't be bothering with this questionnaire, would they?" She asks after noise abatement and traffic control, and boy, would AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea hate the Los Angeles of today.  I have never seen so much construction in my life.  Brandon gives no shits about her concerns, however, and demands, "Are you gonna fill it out or what?"

Over here, Kelly's arrived, and, referring to her clipboard, tells Dylan and Brenda, "David wants a music store and a coffee house." Brenda adds, "Donna wants high fashion at discount house prices and a coffee house." Kelly continues, "Steve wants a Ferrari dealership [Ed. note: FUCKING STEVE YOU GUYS], a bowling alley, a batting cage, an IMAX theater, and a virtual reality amusement arcade...he also wants a coffee bar." Ahh, the days before a Starbucks on every corner.


Marcie approaching.  Kelly tells Brenda that she "called this one." Brenda says, "I see she works fast." Kelly inanely adds, "College girl.  Her clock's tickin'."


More alluding to the fact that Marcie wants to ride Brandon's dong.


More AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Brandon arguing over...you know, whatever.  Sometimes I really don't fully grasp how mind-numbingly boring an episode is until transcribing and then recapping it.  When I was just watching the show for pure entertainment, I would be distracted by other things, like delicious alcohol or a leaf falling from a tree outside, because I know the episodes so well they didn't require my total attention.

Marcie invites everyone to some frat/sorority party the following week and its theme is "Am I Blue?" which will match the blue balls in Brandon's underwear if he hasn't yet diddled Marcie by then.

Nobody gives a fuck.

PP.

Brandon enters and we see Willie standing at the stove stirring something.  Human remains? Oh, probably.  He greets Brandon (okay, so I was way off with my "Mute Willie until Season 5" theory) and then drags him with, "Here on time for a change." YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS, Willie.


Brandon approaches Nat, chiding him about not being able to fire Willie.  Nat says, "What can I tell ya? It's a Peach Pit tradition.  Our motto is, 'Who needs to make a profit?'" You'd make a goddamn profit if you...oh, forget it.  I don't have the energy or the fucks to give.


Brandon calls Nat "a good man" and then Nat shows Brandon a picture of his Ye Old Timey father, Salvadore Bussichio, which hangs on the wall with all of the other clichéd, tacky AF memorabilia, right next to Steve McQueen's, who Nat's dad apparently "carried" for two years, because Salvadore was as astute a businessman as his son.

DSC Development.

Inside, people are standing and watching some promo spec video for the new mall.  I can see where, in 1992, this thing would've been SOOOOOOOPER high-tech and impressive, but now it looks like how the "Take On Me" music video looked 10 minutes after its release.  As we see renderings of the mall, a narrator...narrates: "Balanced...innovative...dynamic.  High Pointe Center combines commerce and leisure for an urban community on the edge of the next millennium."


The audience includes Brenda, Kelly, Marcie, Brandon and this Rando Guy standing in front of Jim; Jim places his hand on Rando Guy's shoulder and gives him a Smug Jim look.


More spec video...


...which fades into a 3-D model.


Brandon and Marcie peer in, Brandon popping a mid-sized Woodrow over the fact his ice rink idea was incorporated into the plan.


Brenda and Kelly walk up and talk to Marcie about Jackie's pregnancy cravings and how she's nearing her 17th-or-so marriage to a real fucking deviant.  I don't know.  They walk away because no one wants to hear their stupid conversation.


Speaking of conversations no one cares about, Jim and Rando Guy approach, Rando Guy asking Jim, "How does it feel to be on the ground floor of something so big?" Sounds...sexual.


As Rando Guy talks, Brandon's Furrowed Brow Of Self Righteousness kicks into overdrive as he clearly notices something amiss with the model.


Jim introduces Brandon to Rando Guy, who is the St. Clair project manager you don't care about.  Brandon gives the guy a hurried greeting and then asks to speak with Jim for a moment.


Serious Synth starts up as Brandon pulls his father aside and Hardy Boys, "High Pointe Center crosses Olympic to Larrabee.  That's the corner the Peach Pit is on."


Jim, who's clearly already aware of this fact, tells his son, "We'll talk about it at home."


Brandon, nearing total meltdown mode: "They're gonna tear it down, aren't they?"


Jim, not wanting to deal with another one of his son's public tantrums, sternly repeats, "We'll talk about it at home."


Back to the H.O.W.  The family enters the kitchen, Brandon saying, "Dad, you made your point.  If there's nothin' more to say, there's nothin' more to say." Jim tells his lame son that he's not being fair, and then Brandon needs to take the dramatics down about 17 decibels when he practically weeps, "You tear down the Peach Pit, you might as well rip out Nat's heart.  This has got nothin' to do with fair." Reign it in there, dude. Brenda and Cindy both look pretty hot, by the way.

These two continue to swat at each other, Jim agreeing with me and telling Brandon that he's getting "carried away" and Brandon being suspicious about the fact that the address was all over the plans so how could Jim not know that the Peach Pit was on the chopping block.  Because Jim should absolutely know the address of the fucking greasy spoon diner his son work's at and he only occasionally patronizes.  Which is exactly what Brenda informs her ignoramus brother of: "How's Dad supposed to know the address to the Peach Pit, fool?!?" Perhaps minus the "fool" part.


Back and forth, back and forth: Jim tells Brandon not to say anything to Nat ; Brandon throws another hissy; Jim lays down the law with a rigid, "This is not a request," MEGA SERIOUS like, Harpsichord Synth comes in...


...and Brandon crybaby stomps out of the room with a, "Fine, good night." And then the rest of the Walshes shout in unison: "GOOD RIDDANCE." Maybe.


Up in his room.  He yanks off his tie as Brenda enters, telling him, "You're asking me to choose between Nat and Dad.  And as far as I'm concerned, there really is no choice." I wonder if Jim will remember his daughter's fierce loyalty in a couple of episodes OH WAIT HE WON'T.

Brandon's only loyal to himself and I guess to Nat, because Nat provides him with a job, so he goes into how Nat didn't fire Willie and how Nat's family built the Pit and how Nat drones on about The Old Days all the time, even though this is the first episode I've heard him talk about it.

Brenda assures her brother that she's certain Nat will get a lot of money in the deal, but Brandon insists it's not about that.  She responds with my favorite line of the episode: "I like Nat, too.  I mean, he even named a milkshake after me." CASE CLOSED BITCHES.  Except not really because she follows that up with, "But we're talking about Dad here."


Brandon insists he doesn't want anything to do with DSC Development or the very Zuck-sounding Teen Advisory Board, but Brenda knows that her brother's one true weakness lies inside a girl's vagina so she asks, "Including Marcie?" He fronts like he's actually got integrity and answers, "Yeah." Uh huh.  We all believe you, small fry.


This is one fucking long scene: she asks about the frat/soro party they were invited to; he says he won't go; she brings up The Gang and how they're all attending and Brandon can just sit home and be a sanctimonious loser for all she cares.  She wears him down because he finally gives in with a, "Fine.  I'll go."


Hey.  Look.  It's the mansion from the "Halloween" episode.  You can even spot costumed people approaching the porch.  For Kelly's sake, I hope there aren't any burgeoning rapists inside, but it is a frat, most likely overflowing with privileged assholes, so you never know. 


Dylan, Brenda, Donna, Kelly and Steve enter the house, Donna wearing a blue moto-jacket I would mutilate myself for.  Everyone looks pretty foxy in their blueness.  Except...well, do I even have to say it? Yes? Okay, Steve.  Steve Sanders looks like ass.  Happy?


Ugh.  Here's Walton Goggins.  I HATE him so, so much in this role.  True story: I have loathed him forever, not having seen him in anything but this episode, and then I watched the Hateful Eight and he's great in that so now I like him.  In summary: don't judge an actor based on their appearance in a television show from anywhere between the years 1980 and 1999.  So Walton, in this bizarre accent and with murder glowing in his scary, scary eyes, says, "Hello, come on in.  I'm Mike.  Are you friends of the bride or the groom?" He speaks in this very stilted way that I guess is supposed to represent "comic relief" but what it most represents to me is "a complete and total breakdown of both society and my bowels."


Dylan, my spirit animal, answers him with, "Me? I'm dyin'."

Fucking Steeeeeeeeeeeeeve OF COURSE chimes in, "Where's the keg?"


Walton tells him, "Sorry.  But we're still on suspension from our last blowout.  Why do you think we're all feeling so blue?" and as The Great Karen Walker once said, "Which lever do I pull to be crushed by a safe?"

Marcie arrives then, flinging an arm around Walton and telling the others that he's a lush and that, "We have a great coffee bar, there's cappuccino, there's espresso." Gee.  What a grand party.  I say this only because I, like Steve, need alcohol in order to enjoy myself.  You don't know me.


Kelly compliments Marcie on the decor and Donna gestures toward a painting and says, "Yeah, even the painting's blue.  Um, who did that?"


Brenda, Art Connoisseur (because weren't we all at 17?), informs her friend, "It's Picasso.  During his Blue Period." Steve adds, "I guess Donna won't be majoring in Art History," and I'm all, "I guess you won't be majoring in likability.  Or good hair.  Or decent clothes.  Or SHUT THE FUCK UP STEVE."


So then twat-like Brandon arrives, wearing a red blazer (ooo, rebel!), and greets his friends.


Marcie, in turn, pops a Lady Woodrow at his appearance and Walton approaches him, saying, "I think you've got the wrong party." Marcie introduces the two, Brenda and Dylan are off to dance and The Blondes walk away, too, because Brandon.

Brandon asks Marcie, "I guess you're gonna wanna dance, too, huh?" because all girls ever want to do is dance and bleed from between their legs and go shopping and whatever.


Marcie tells him that she's not into it, so clearly Brandon has met his Soul Mate.  I wonder if Marcie tells everyone she crosses paths with the She Doesn't Dance, like Brandon does.  He demonstrates that she's The One For This Week by throwing an arm around her neck and saying, "I think I'm in love." Of course you are.

Later.  Steve and Kelly dance and SOMEBODY HOLD MY HAIR BACK AS I VOMIT INTO THE TOILET he sticks his nose in her neck and says, "Mmm," and sniffs, because unwanted physical advances won't spook Kelly in the slightest.  She reminds him that she's not his date and then they talk about going to this school and Steve says that he could fit right in with this frat (see: my comments above re the neck-sniffing and re frats and sexual assault), which I wholly agree with and which is not a compliment.

And then he lifts her up and spins her away and Poor Kelly, you guys.

Dylan.  Brenda.  Brenda speaks to the beauty of the campus and Dylan talks about all the "geeks" in the frat.  And then jumps on Brandon's Rebel Bandwagon and says that he's probably not going to college and that some Student Center they passed earlier in the evening is actually the McKay Student Center which was named as such after his dad cut them a big check (and which I suspect they might've renamed following Jack's indictment, but whatever).  Dylan talks about how Brenda and Brandon are lucky because Jim's such a straight shooter and a stand-up guy with mad keyboard-playing skillzzz.

Brenda seems unsure of this.

Nooooooo.  Walton kneels on the floor as Donna tosses popcorn in his mouth.  These kids are ~CRAY~ZEE~.  Also, the people standing around, cheering on this nonsense have shells of lives and should be rounded up and lit on fire.

Brandon and Marcie walk past, and she tells him that Walton's parents own half of Orange County.  And Roger Azarian's Dad owns the other half, apparently.  She drags Brandon away to show him something, which turns out not to be her areolas.

Darkened room.

Marcie flips on the lights and we see that there are a bunch of architectural models on display around the room.  They were given to her by her father...so she's got a special room on her college campus where she can keep them? Or did Dickson St. Clair, like Jack McKay, donate a bunch of money to the school and they in turn built an architecture wing? I have never understood these things.


Anyway, she brags about how her dad won awards for all of these projects, and then she shows Brandon her favorite.  Because none of this fucking matters and is a goddamn snooze.

And then of course it's mouth-to-mouth molestation time.

She pauses their sesh to say, "My dad is gonna like you," because her relationship with her father is apparently just as depraved and demented as Brandon's relationship with his sister.


Brandon rightfully knits his brow at this disturbing commentary, but because he's 17-years-old and would have sex with any one of the building models in the room, he manages to swab her mouth with his tongue once more before pulling away and asking, "Does that matter?"


She tells him that it depends on what matters to him, whatever the hell that means.  Things take an even creepier turn for the skin-crawly when she says, "As soon as High Pointe gets approval, things are gonna move very fast.  You'll be right in on the ground floor." He asks if she's offering him a job, she says that she doesn't have the authority to do that, but that her father's coming into town for the commission hearing and that teenager Brandon basically just has to meet Dickson St. Clair and he'll be set for life.  Because that's realistic.  And totally non-alarming, given that these two imbeciles met a mere 48 hours ago.


She apologizes for coming on a little psychotic strong, then suggests they go somewhere and celebrate.  Celebrate what, exactly? The fact that she's on the brink of committing statutory rape? Hurray! Anyway, Brandon says he knows "just the place."

Peach Pit grill top.  A burger and fries hang out.

YOU GUYS HE'S USING HIS SPATULA.  And walking her through the making of the infamous Mega Burger.  Which is nothing special, really, other than maybe the Swiss cheese addition.

Which, we soon discover, was Marilyn Monroe's idea, as we learn from Nat when he comes up to probably make inappropriate comments to Brandon's new piece.  He also says he always knew when Marilyn was starting a new film because, "she would always switch from fries to cottage cheese." And then he talks about all of the other Golden Age actors who patronized the Pit: "Montgomery Clift.  And Natalie Wood.  Sal Mineo." And then in this really inappropriate, sing-songy voice he tells her, "They're all gone now." Because you killed them? Because that's how you're making it seem here.  Freak.

Nat walks away to plot his next celebrity murder and Marcie lies comments that, "The food's still incredible."


Brandon's all, "Enjoy it while you can," and Here We Go: he tells her that the Peach Pit is being demolished to make room for High Pointe Center.


Marcie clearly doesn't give a hardened shit and mildly says, "Wow, I had no idea," because money > burgers, amirite??? Brandon says that Nat doesn't know, which is how DSC wants to keep it.

Marcie calls Brandon on his dipshit scheme: "So, you basically brought me here just to make me feel bad, is that it?" I mean...that's what he does with most girls he encounters.  He's all, "No, I thought maybe if you got a feeling for the place, you could..." and Marcie thinks Brandon is a stooge just as much as we all think he's a stooge and interrupts with, "I could what? I could talk to my father? Exactly what do you expect him to do? Stop two years of research and development dead in its tracks? Or better yet, have him call the bank and tell them he's called the whole thing off  because he's tasted the world's greatest cheeseburger? I'm sorry, but, the real world doesn't work that way." Take that, Brandon's Ideals!

He asks her to explain how the "real world" really operates and, disappointed in his naiveté and clothing choices, she kind of shakes her head and says, "I thought I already did." (WHHHHHHHHEN, when you were painting his tongue with a fresh coat of saliva from your tongue?) And then, "Good night, Brandon." DOOM Drums play and this is all exactly whatever the opposite of "nail-biting" is.


Back here.  Brandon comes in and greets Willie, who despondently says, "Hey, Brandon," which is no different than how I would always greet Brandon, because, again, Brandon.

Brandon enters the restaurant and spots Nat, wearing a suit rather than an animal fat-splattered apron for the the first time in his goddamn life (okay, maybe the second.  Or the third), sitting at the counter and glumly staring into his coffee cup.


Brandon approaches and pets the lapel of Nat's jacket, asking, "Nat, is that you?" which loosely translates to: "Nat, you don't look like you just rolled out of a greasy-sheeted bed for once." And then he pulls snaps off of Nat's lapels.  I don't know.  And he asks, "Who died?" Nat looks down at his clothes and says, "Come to think of it, last time I wore this, I put my old man in the ground." What a...lovely sentiment.  And then this exchange goes on for approximately 3 hours when it could've been summed up thusly:

Nat: "This developer is going to build a mall here, so the Peach Pit is being bought out and torn down."


Brandon: "That sucks.  I knew it about it.  My dad is involved with the plan."


Nat: "Oh, well.  I can't fight them on it.  I was going to go to some meeting about it tonight but now I'm not."


Brandon: "Take the money they give you and start over." Fin.


Unfortunately, Nat extends the conversation even further as The Piano Of IT'S OVER starts up: "They're gonna squeeze me until I don't have a pot to shit cook in.  And at my age...what am I gonna do? Get a job at McDonald's?" I mean, you've certainly got the hair for it.


Cut to the outside of Beverly Hills City Hall.  Which is soooo beautiful in person, by the way, which I know because I went there for an interview for a job when we first moved to L.A. that I didn't end up getting so screw them but the building is just gorgeous.


Inside, people, including Marcie (who apparently cleaned out her brush, took all of that hair, formed it into a ball and plopped it on the front of her head as bangs) stand around talking.


Rando Guy and Jim stand off to the side, Jim telling Rando Guy, "Sounds like you've got all your ducks in a row." Rando Guy gestures past Jim and says, "Isn't that one of your ducklings?"...


...and here's Brandon.  Nice segue, Rando Guy.


Marcie sees Brandon, too.  I like her suit.  Mostly because it distracts from the hair-rat pinned to her forehead.


Jim is none too pleased with his son's presence, because he's knows Brandon is a belligerent little fuckwit who has no problem making scenes.  He lives for it! He tells him, "This may not be the best time, Brandon." Brandon studlys, "Looks like a perfect time to me."


He seriously swaggers over to Marcie, who tersely greets him and then introduces him to her father, Old Man River, I mean, Dickson St. Clair.  But seriously, that guy must've been 60 when he had Marcie! She informs her father that Brandon was her "point-man" on the Teen Advisory Board, because none of the other kids who schlepped around, pestering their friends to fill out some stupid survey matter to her.

Grandpa St. Clair says, "Marcie tells me that you share some of her interests in architecture and urban planning," and Brandon pointedly tells him, "Yeah, I do.  Although, I think my favorite subject is...history," as he glances at Marcie.  Subtle shade-throwing skills, Brando.


Blah blah Dickson excuses himself to begin his presentation and Marcie gives Brandon A Look, shakes her head and walks away.


Brandon, in turn, glares after her with this cocky little smirk on his puke-face.

Next, Dickson stands at a podium in front of a panel of people and begins by thanking his daughter for her coordination of the Teen Advisory Board and that her research provided him with a bunch of ideas, and before we pan over to Marcie...

...THE ZUCK.  OH SHIT IT IS ON.

Dickson continues and asks of Marcie: " I don't think you found one teenager who had a negative response to our project?" and she's all, "No, not really." What a resoundingly positive response! And then from somewhere in the back we hear, "Well, there may have been one, sir."

BRANDON.  I'm surprised we also didn't hear AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea squeal out in pleasure at this moment.  He continues: "I know I'm out of order, but I worked on the Student Advisory Board, and I'm startin' to have a lot of second thoughts about it."


Dickson, meanwhile, has turned back to the panel for help, and Rando Redhead here says, "Young man, the community will have ample opportunity to enter their thoughts into the public record."


Brandon says, "That's good.  Somebody should take the time to listen to what the little guy has to say before you let the bulldozers roll in."


These two look scandalized, and Jim also looks like he's maybe trying to locate the nearest window to jump out of.


Back to Smug Smugly: "Now, I've only lived in L.A. for just over a year, but I've been here long enough to see that somebody better make some kind of effort to save what little history this town has left." While I agree with most of his sentiment, he's such a little barf about the whole thing that I just can't.


Shot of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, also smirking like a goon.


Rando Guy leans into Jim and angrily whispers, "I don't know what's going on here, Walsh, but control your son." If only, Rando Guy.  If only.


Later, after we don't get to see a pack of sheriffs bum rush Brandon for his "Don't tase me, bro" moment, he struts out of the meeting, a furious Jim hot on his heel, demanding, "What kind of stunt do you think you were pulling in there?!"


They wind up in the very echo-y main chamber of the building, hootin' and a-hollerin' at each other like a couple of real low-life pieces of trash.  Brandon accuses Jim of not helping Nat enough, and Jim tells his son that he did everything he could and that they're going to set Nat up in the new High Pointe Center once construction is completed.  Brandon asks what Nat's supposed to do until then and adds, "You said you had everything under control...and you don't.  And it's a free country and I'm not gonna keep my mouth shut anymore." Jim says that he respects his son's "passion" but that, "You've got to choose your battles in life, son."


Brandon: "I did."


DOOOOOOOOM MUSIC.  Charles Bronson: Jim: "Yeah.  I guess you did."


West Bev.


A stressed-looking Brandon walks down the hall; he stops when he spots...


...this classroom, where a bunch of people are walking around, including Kelly, Donna, Dylan and AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, with signs that read stuff like "SAVE THE PEACH PIT," because apparently this kind of shit can just go down during school hours.


Brandon enters and asks, "What's goin' on here? and AHHHHHHHHHNdrea appears with, "You don't have to fight this all alone, Ace."


Dylan says, "AHHHHHHHHNdrea told us that you made a complete spectacle of yourself last night and probably got your dad fired from his job what you did last night, man.  I'm proud."


Kelly, wearing some tremendous white jacket-something-or-other, says that she never would've joined the *siiiiiiiiiiiighs for days at having to type this again* Teen Advisory Board had she known they were going to nix the Pit.  Steve, wearing a tremendously awful white mock turtleneck, adds, "Yeah, really, I've been goin' to the Peach Pit since I started Little League in the early-'60s." That's a fucking long time!."


Dylan says he remembers Nat's dead dad, and Donna says, "Sallie used to sneak me homemade cookies when I was little." I'm pretty certain Donna's outfit is also the bomb here.


David comes rushing in, informing them, "Everything's set.  I'm gonna broadcast live from the Peach Pit this afternoon." Really loving this whole Saved by the Bell "Save The Max" send up they've got going on here.


AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "I talked to my friend at the Times" - because didn't we all have a friend at the Times when we were Juniors in high school - "and she said the feature desk might be able to free someone up to come down." GOD FUCK OFF.

Brenda appears at the door and asks to see her brother in the hall.

She starts off with a scolding: "It's bad enough that we don't see eye-to-eye on this, but did you have to go get all of our friends involved?" Brandon says that they took it upon themselves to do it, and she asks after Jim: "What about Dad? I mean, I heard him and Mom talking.  They really chewed him out after the hearing."


Brandon speaks for Jim, me and the entire population of Earth when he's self-aware enough to ask her, "I guess he's really had it with me, huh?"


Brenda tells him otherwise: "You'd think so, wouldn't you? As angry as he was with you, do you know what I heard him tell Mom? That you reminded him of Grandpa." Which is apparently some high compliment, I don't know.


Back in the classroom/place where you can dick around making protest signs for stuff that's completely unrelated to school, Donna holds up a sign that reads "IT'S THE PITS." Good one.  Except that it kind of makes it sound like the Peach Pit is "the pits." Which probably isn't too far from the truth.  Just stick with "SEXPERTS GO HOME!!" or "SIN SURVEY = SINFUL WASTE" and you'll be just fine.


Brandon reenters and tells AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea that he'll meet them at the Pit after school because of something he has to take care of.  No one cares.


Synth Drummage.  Brandon drives up in front of the DSC Development Building and manages to get a parking space right in front, which is something that's never happened in Los Angeles County, ever.


As he exits the Mustang he spots Marcie and her pinky power suit exit the building.  She spots him as well and is clearly not happy about it.  Same, girl.  Same.


They meet up and she asks why he's there and he tells her he really wants to make the situation 57 times worse by turning up to Rando Guy's office unannounced.  She asks him where his loyalties lie and he condescends, "This has nothing to do with loyalty.  Has to do with money and politics - two subjects I think you're quite familiar with." She calls him a "knee-jerk bleeding heart" but warns, "Don't you for one minute think you're a threat to my father."


He finally calls her on her disturbing relationship with her dad: "What is it with you and your father? You're so hung up on being Daddy's Little Girl, you're afraid to be your own woman, and you mention him during make-sessions with dudes and that is just revolting."


He tells her that he's there to see Rando Guy to apologize for his loutish behavior at the meeting and that, "My father had nothing to do with what I did last night." She weakly comes back with, "Oh! Oh! Now looks who's hung up on his father."


Brandon responds, "It's not the same, Marcie, and you know that." While I totally agree with him, his fucking self-satisfied diarrhea face makes me also wish he'd be struck by an errant meteor right about now.

Next, Brandon enters the Peach Pit.  It's practically empty because everyone in town has heard about how uncomfortable Nat makes you feel when he talks to you.  Brandon approaches the counter and asks, "Nat, where is everybody? We're supposed to have a press conference in 15 minutes." A PRESS CONFERENCE??? Get over yourself, twerp! Pretty sure it was just some sorry little protest, and an opportunity for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to project her voice through a bullhorn, no doubt.


Does anyone mind if my recap of this boring-ass scene is a paragraph long? No? Great.  In conclusion: Nat took an offer from DSC, which he calls "fair." Brandon throws a grand old pout, because now he can't Save The Day and be the center of attention.  Nat talks about taking the money and buying a boat and sailing around the world, and says that once Brandon graduates high school. he can come be Nat's first mate, which I'm pretty sure was a sexual proposition.  Brandon, however, wants to play the victim so he blames Nat for letting him down and says that, "I thought we were fightin' for somethin' important.  Somethin' bigger than you and me.  Guess I was wrong.  It's not the first time." No, it's not.  Because you're wrong about a lot, like, all the time.  Also: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.


Brandon huffs out and Nat appears on the verge of tears.  Of joy, because Brandon's gone? I assume.

H.O.W.  Jim enters the kitchen through the back door, where Brandon Sad Sackily stands at the counter, making himself a sandwich.  Jim, clearly trying to mend fences with his son, says, "Mmm, that bacon smells great.  How 'bout makin' me one of those things?"

Brandon isn't done being a petulant jackass quite yet, so he offers the sandwich to his father: "Here, why don't you just take this one? I'm not real hungry anyway."


As he starts to leave the room, Jim calls after him: "How long are you planning to shut me out? You said your peace last night.  Let it go.  It's over and done with." Brandon congratulates his father and thinks he knows exactly what happened: "St. Clair went down to the Pit and threw so much money at Nat that it turned his head around."


At this point, Cindy appears in the doorway of the dining room, probably to ask if anyone's going to eat that sandwich, but mostly because she's really fucking sick and tired of hearing her dick of a son speak to his father that way.  But Jim hits back with, "Brandon, your life is based on so many false assumptions, it's staggering!" YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Now punctuate that with a sandwich to his smug mug!


Cindy tries to play peacekeeper, but Jim says he's sick of Brandon portraying him as the villain, and that St. Clair doesn't consult with him on every decision and that Nat made a deal and there's nothing wrong with that: "We all have responsibilities.  We all have to worry about boring things like mortgages and meeting payrolls and putting food on the table.  Brandon, think about it.  If High Pointe Center goes through, it'll create hundreds, maybe thousands, of jobs.  That's a lot of bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches." Nice analogy, Large Guy.


Brandon, Smirk-Jerk Sultan of THE WORLD: "Gee, thanks for explaining that to me, Dad.  Otherwise I may have never figured it out." He turns and leaves while shaking his head and Jim does not take this as an opportunity to push him down and curb check him into the steps to the foyer.


Cindy says, "Poor Brandon" and DIVORCE HER JIM.  DIVORCE HER NOW.  I am so about Jim this episode.  Jim asks, "What about me?" She tells him that their son, "lost a hero today." Jim's all, "Yeah.  He thinks I let him down." Cindy, ICE COLD: "I was talking about Nat." As a sidebar: is it wrong that I like Cindy's grandma cardigan here?

She sits down next to him and they talk about Nat taking the deal and that Jim assumes it was a lot of money and adds that, "You know I'm gonna miss that place," 'cause he's been there at least 7 times in his life.  Cindy adds, "Not half as much as Brandon will," NOBODY CARES ABOUT BRANDON YOU DAFT BITCH.

Later, Jim enters his home-away-from-home, which is crowded as fuck.  Nat approaches with, "Hey, Jim.  Cindy called, I got your pie.  Let me box it for you," as he heads around the counter.


Jim thanks him and then looks up at the HOLLYWOODLAND picture from earlier.


He comments on the crowd and Nat's all, "Yeah, just my luck.  Business is picking up as we're closing down."

Jim starts to pull out his wallet and Nat says, "Put it away.  It's on the house," and AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH of course it is.


They talk about what a prick Brandon is, and then Nat inappropriately asks Jim to look at some paperwork that the DSC people dropped off.  Jim hesitantly says that he will, and Nat's carrying them around in his back pocket for some reason, and the envelope and probably the important contract he has to sign is now all bent and wrinkled.  Keep it classy, Nat!


Jim takes the document out of the envelope, reads it and bewilderedly asks, "This is what they offered you?"


Cut here, to Jim on the Peach Pit payphone, saying, "I asked for a favor on this one, Rando Guy, and what do you do? You low-ball him."


We cut to Rando Guy, sitting in some kind of conference room with a couple of Other Randos on the other end of the line: "Your friend Bussichio accepted our first offer," - because of course he did - "what was I supposed to do? Tell him that he should be asking for more? Besides, it might be a moot point, anyway."


Back to Jim.  He asks what's up, and Rando Guy tells him to come in, "We have a lot to talk about." Jim, in turn, looks terrified.


Here, Brenda walks into the kitchen looking tense.


Brandon enters through the back door, having just been on a bike ride where he was unfortunately not run off the road and over a guardrail.


Brenda solemnly informs him that the High Pointe Center deal fell through.


And he's predictably elated! but Brenda tells him to "grim up" before he goes in to talk to Jim, like, have some compassion, you fucking animal.  She also says, "I love Dad a lot.  And I wanted this project to happen for him.  But I am really glad the Peach Pit is still gonna be there." Brandon admits that she was right to stand by their father, even though her allegiance will soon be forgotten.


Living Room Of Walsh.  Jim's getting blottoed on the couch: "We told DSC that the deal could fall through.  And nobody took us seriously.  When I tried to tell Rando Guy about this, you know what he told me, Brandon? He said I wasn't a team player.  Do you know how that made me feel?"

Brandon once again sits on the arm of the couch with his feet on the cushion and I'm sorry but this is a shootable offense.  Jim goes on to say, "They never listen to the bean counters.  All they want us to do is crunch the numbers and make them look good." Brandon asks if everything's going to be okay, and Jim tells him that he doesn't think he'll get fired, "But even if I did, you don't have to worry about your old man," Pretty sure he was probably still, like always, thinking about himself and how it would affect him, Jimbo.


Jim calls Brandon a chip off the old block and then slugs him, but not nearly hard enough, seeing as Brandon didn't go through the wall or anything.  Brandon thanks him and they talk about how proud this grandfather we've never heard about up before this episode would've been or some shit.  Brandon asks if Nat knows; Jim confirms he does not.  Ooooo! I sense some high jinks approaching!

PP.

Brandon knocks on the front door, even though the CLOSED sign hangs there.  Nat peers out through the blinds, then unlocks it and lets him in.

Nat asks what he's doing there, that he didn't think he'd see him again and Brandon's all, "I thought I'd come by and help you clean the place out."


This whole cruel game of making Nat feel like garbage goes on for far too long, with Brandon telling him he could get 50 cents on the dollar for everything in there and that he wants to keep one of the menus because it will be a collectible someday, and that Nat should get an auctioneer in there to help sell off all of the autographed photos, etc.


Nat finally says, "What's gotten into you? You can't put a price on something like that." Brandon tells him, "Oh, come on, Nat.  Everything has its price." Nat says that he deserved that, and he's practically on the verge of tears as he talks about what a shitty person he is, and he's so sorry he sold out and then I guess Brandon's had enough of torturing the poor guy because he finally spills the beans:


"The deal fell through.  They aren't building the High Pointe Center."


Nat's all, "That's the best news I ever heard in my life, and I'm never gonna forget who I heard it from!" and then they hug and Nat kisses Brandon's neck.  First mate, indeed.

Nat insists that nothing could make him happier, and then Brandon calls out, "Hey guys, come on in! It's showtime!"...


...and The Gang + Willie barge through the doors.


Everyone comes to hug and kiss Nat, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea doing the latter on his lips, followed by Jim shaking his hand and congratulating him while looking like Inspector Gadget without his hat.


At the counter, Kelly and THAT JACKET stand next to Dylan, Brenda, Steve and David.  Dylan Brandonly says, "Hey, paisan! What I gotta do to get a little service around here, huh?" while doing this with his hands and making this face and I've never been less attracted to him in my life.


Nat tells Willie, "Fire up the grill!"


Everybody cheers and Willie's all, "You got it!" Aww, who doesn't love Willie.  Also, there's like, 87 Randos standing around that no one cares about.


Brandon opens the register and it rings...


Nat says, "Music to my ears"...


...he heads to the front door, thanking everyone on his way...


...we see him, from outside, appear in the window, smiling...


...and then he flips the CLOSED sign over to the OPEN side and THE PEACH PIT IS SAVED THANK GOD I WASN'T SURE.

Check me back here next time for the episode "Brenda Gets Held Up And Then Has PTSD For About 35 Minutes," also known as "Meeting Mr. Pony." Her outfits in this one are so siiiiiiiiick.  Which is far more important than the whole "being held at gunpoint" thing, right? Right.

15 comments:

  1. I recall the Zuck wearing a heinous white and black outfit in the next episode that looks like it should be worn by a 40 year old drum major. I also haven't seen the episode in 10 years so I might be way off but some things get seared into your retinas.

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    1. I don't recall. But if it's anywhere near is hideous as David's black-and-white terror show in this episode, Satan help us all.

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    2. Do you mean the ugly one from the sex ed episode? There is a picture on that recap. It is also possible (and very probable) that she has more than 1 heinous black and white outfit.

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  2. This was, hands down, one of your funniest recaps ever. And it came at a good time because I was concerned that you had died since you hadn't updated your IG for a while. By concerned, I mean worried about a deficit in my work-time entertainment. Not worried about you. I'm like Brandon that way.

    So Marcie is played by Liz Vassey who I remember as the mob girlfriend of Slater during Zack and Kelly's wedding and I hated her curly hair then and here. She kind of turned out to be a hottie but she seems to have had some plastic surgery and now looks a lot like Lindsey Price who of course played Janet Sosna on 90210. It all comes full circle!

    What is up with Kelly's Tonya Harding scrunchie in the school courtyard scene? And speaking sartorially of Kelly, she looks like a flight attendant at that Blue Party.

    I have a new theory: Nat killed the Black Dahlia. Or maybe his dad. Or they did it together. Prove me wrong.

    Why was Willie at the PP when it was closed and is Nat going to pay him overtime for staying to cook (probably for free) for everyone who showed up to celebrate???

    And since you mentioned Karen Walker, here's my favorite clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVDMphOnN48

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    1. Liz Vassey looks like a COMPLETELY different person now. Sad, because she was pretty to begin with. Other than this episode, I mostly remember her from that terrible Lawrence brothers show.

      Black Dahlia: mystery solved! That would've been an epic, if not odd, way to take that character's arc.

      I truly think every Karen Walker clip is my favorite Karen Walker clip. I'm going to force my friend Benjamin to do that "denied, denied, approved" the next time I see him, and each time thereafter.

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  3. Whither the next recap? Whiter!? :)

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    1. Adam P! I'm so sorry for the delay - my husband and I are balls deep (well, HE'S balls deep; I'm...vagina deep?) in a move at the moment. The next recap is in the works, swearsies, but it's taking even longer than usual, which is a pretty incredible feat, I must say. Thanks for checking in and I hope I'm not MIA for too much longer.

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    2. I know it's the holidays and a move on top of that would make it hard to get through! The next episode is a good one though so I can't wait for the recap. Well...I can wait because we must. I'll just keep checking daily! :)

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  4. Please do a recap soon! Love reading them!

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    1. Promise, I'm working on it! It's been nutty around here lately but I'm making the blog a priority :). Thanks so much for checking in, Becki!

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  5. duuuuude.. carly, where in the shit are you?! I'm going into BH90210 recap withdrawal! hope ur still alive.

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    1. I swear, I'm still alive! Working on the new recap as I type. It's been a crazy few months - thanks for checking in, though :).

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  6. Thank God I stumbled across this blog. I am a middle aged wife with two kids and a fairly hideous job. Watching BH 9'er is one of my most shameful, pleasurable pastimes. I've tried to explain to my husband why I watch the magic that is BH 9'er, but he doesn't seem to understand. I am finally understood. I LOVE THIS BLOG SO MUCH!

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  7. While Brandon is always the worst he is such THE WORST in this episode. My most hated bits are when Brandon is giving Nat a hard time for making a fucking business decision that is his to make because somehow Nat's feelings about selling his dead dad's business are less important than Brandon's feelings about somewhere he's worked part time for a year (MINUS THE SUMMER!!!). What if Nat just wants to take the money, leave the stress of a failing business behind, and buy a boat? That seems fine.

    Also, this episode is yet another example of something that Brandon is not too fussed about that becomes his fucking life for the course of the episode. Do we ever hear of his concerns about preserving the history of LA again? I think not. In conclusion, Brandon is the worst and, in particular, should have got punched for his "thanks for explaining that to me Daaaaaaaaaddd" speech.

    Love reading the Brandon-hate in your recaps. It helps relieve some of the pressure in my brain.

    Because the edited version of the show I create in my mind is always at least 90% Brenda/Dylan I want to note the continuity/foreshadowing of Dylan's college apathy. Hooray for characters and plotlines that aren't appalling on every level!!!

    Really looking forward to the next episode. One of the ones I have referenced to friends for cramming in so much plot/drama into a single episode. I've only seen it once so will be interesting to see if it lives up to my memory.

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    1. FUCKING BRANDON. That's all there is to say about him after this one. You are absolutely spot-on: he IS such THE WORST here. Peak Abrasive Douche Brandon. PEAK.

      I LOVE Dylan's story arc over the years: the college apathy, then being all psyched to go to Berkeley, then more apathy. And the early-Jack McKay story lines are great. And then, when they have no more ideas, he comes back from the dead and it's all a pile of flaming poo.

      The 'cap for "Meeting Mr. Pony" is up now - let me know what you think :).

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