Season 2, Episode 23: Cardio Funk - You'll Enjoy This One A Lot More If You're Not Saddled With One Of Those Pesky Gag Reflexes. Otherwise, Read At Your Own Risk, Preferably Squatting Next To The Toilet With Your Head Halfway In. Trust.

In which remember in the last episode when Brenda and Dylan were proclaiming their love for one another over vials of their own blood? Yeah, that's over now.

(Also: if you'd prefer to listen to me talk about this one rather than reading the overly-descriptive garbage-pit I call a "blog," head on over to the amazing The Blaze with Lizzie & Kat podcast and tune in to hear my ramblings on this very episode.)

Without further (non)ado...

...we open here...

...and then we're inside, where Brandon and his wee arms are exiting the back room carrying some kind of electronic device box.

He's followed by Worthless Nat, not being worthless for once, and Jim, non-sexually tag-teaming another box.

Jim sends Brandon to get another box out of the car and tells Nat, "I got a good feeling about this...did you read the brochure my client sent over? This is the perfect place for one of these things." Yes, a diner is a perfect venue for karaoke.  He continues, "You already have a well-established clientele.  This is only gonna bring in new traffic.  Believe me, that cashier's gonna ring." I think what we can conclude from all of this is that Jim has clearly quit the CPA biz and is now a low-classy karaoke salesman.

Brandon re-enters with the box in hand, and Jim tells him, "Make sure the whole crew is here tomorrow night when we crank this baby up, 'cause we are gonna rock and roll." Take it easy there, Fonzie.

Brandon makes a face like one you'd make when you finally come to the realization that your father's a complete disgrace.

This horrible music starts up in the background and we travel over here, to an exterior of some garish-AF workout studio.

A bunch of people are doing some kind of cardio routine, but mostly just look like they're flash-mobbing the African dance from Can't Buy My Love.  But really, most of them just look like total embarrassments.  I guess this is how people got into shape in the early 1990s.

This instructor guy's all, "Feel the beat," and he is fierce.

Pan over here, where Kelly and Brenda are feeling said beat.

Oh, puke.  A shot of this stomach-turning life-ruiner.  Who, we will soon find out, is attending the class with no one.  Which should be the first colossal red flag that's on fire that he's a serial killer who preys on young girls.  You might also recognize this rod from his role as Tony Crane on an episode of Saved by the Bell, where he plays some interloping asshole substitute teacher who steals the girls' attention away from Zack, Slater and Screech.  His character here also enjoys cruising the underage.

Kelly and Brenda notice the scary, scary man and laugh at him.  Rightfully so.

Heave.

Brenda, continuing to giggle at the him like he's charming or something.  Because she's clearly recently fallen and suffered a traumatic brain injury, which has caused her to find this doorknob to be some kind of a catch.

As he not-so-Slick-Rickly skip-dances back to the girls, he says, "Go on.  Laugh all you want.  They hired me for comic relief." If I had to guess, I'd say they hired you so that you'd drive clientele away with your leering perviness, but hey, that's just me.

Brenda tells him he's doing great, because, again, the brain damage she sustained falling from her bedroom window at the House Of Walsh has clearly altered her ability to form logical opinions.  The choad says that she must be a "ringer," and Brenda informs him that's it's actually her first time.  He's all, "Oh, god.  Now I'm really humiliated." Because of your hair and every other thing about you? Yes, you should be.

Back to Instructor, who says, "Okay, move our hips; isolate, isolate," and this guy's moves are ALL the bags of chips.

Doof: "What does he think I am, a Fly Girl?" PLEASE DIE IN A FIRE

Instructor, who obviously knows this mutant is a sexual predator: "Uh, Tim, could we focus here?"

Tim: "I'm focusing, I'm focusing," and then gives Brenda this rape-glazed gaze.

Kelly tells Brenda that Tim's "cute," because OF COURSE this low-rent floozy would think so.  Brenda reminds her friend, "We're not here to meet guys," and Kelly "Darren Star's Prototype For Samantha Jones" Taylor counters, "Speak for yourself."

So because Tim has zeroed in on his prey, Brenda, he keeps looking back over at her to stare like a fucking deviant.

Unfortunately, Brenda returns these looks and someone please get the girl to the ER, as she's clearly suffering from a major concussion and possibly that CTE mess that all those football players end up with.

Hey! Look who it is! Our favorite steel-abdominaled drunk from the Season 1 Episode, "The Green Room," Surf Betty! Here, she's standing at a miked-up podium, being a real bummer: "My name is Sarah...and I'm an alcoholic."

We pan over a bunch of other downers, who all chime in with the obligatory, "Hi, Sarah." She continues, "I've been sober 50 days now." That's...great? But from what I recall, Sarah just needed to cut back a little, that's all.  I feel like the complete removal of alcohol from her life might've been a bit of an overreaction.

Over here to Dylan, whose hair just keeps getting better and better, sitting next to some guy whose mullet obviously led him down the path to alcoholism.  I'm pretty certain that's why Steve's a terrible, good-for-nothing pile of trash.

Back to Sarah.  She informs the crowd that those 50 sober days have been spread out over four years, and that drinking helped her fit in and that she once threw up in the principal's office in school, and then all the alcys laugh and laugh because, ahahahaha teenage addiction.  She goes on to tell everyone about her "rock bottom," which is when this happened:

I would say most people would consider this their "bottom," girlfriend.

Dylan informs the guy whose hair looks somehow worse than Worthless Nat's, "My friends were the ones who fished her out of the ocean."

Yes, she's still going: "I met this guy.  And we moved in together.  And we drank together.  But a couple weeks ago he beat me up pretty bad...and that's how I got here.  I've been sober for about a week now, and I guess that's a start." Everyone claps.  Mostly because she's done.

This.  The instructor leads everyone in a cool down before sending them on their way.  Also, the color scheme of this studio was clearly inspired by the school store from Saved by the Bell, non?

Yes.

Brenda and Kelly clap, and instead of running like hell to get away from the the goon from earlier inevitably chatting them up and then enslaving them in a dungeon-type chamber beneath his house, they dawdle and end up cornered by their future captor, who introduces himself as "Tim Matthews."

Brenda introduces herself and then they do whatever the opposite of "meet cute" is; I guess, like, "meet vomit-all-over-the-floor." That's what I just did, anyway.

Kelly, the MIRACULOUS voice of reason here, reminds her friend with this look and a terse, "Brenda" that it's time to fucking get, after Tim asks Brenda out for a bite to eat.  Brenda informs him that Kelly's her ride and he's all, "I could take ya home." Mmm, I somehow doubt that, Tim.  Something tells me this would be the last anyone would see or hear of Brenda ever again and then her body would be found in a shallow grave and everyone would be like, "Tim Matthews.  Tim Matthews did this," because this guy has clearly murdered before.

Blah blah he asks for her number, she WHAT THE FUCK BRENDA almost considers giving it to him, but then Kelly gives her another Look and Brenda admits that she has a boyfriend with the bitchin'est sideburns this side of the 405.  Tim "jokes", "I only have a two-seater; he's gonna have to stay home," and Brenda GUFFAWS AT THIS and this is the quickest case of Stockholm Syndrome I have ever, ever seen.

Tim then mentions seeing her at another class the following Sunday, which Brenda agrees to, and as the girls walk away from their would-be attacker, Kelly says, "I thought we were only coming to this class on Fridays when Dylan's at his AA meeting in Malibu." Brenda's really uncomfortable-looking onesie bursts into a ball of flames as she lies, "I was thinking I might need a little bit more exercise," and by exercise she of course means, "Tim." Which is disturbing on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin.  Kelly proceeds to justly scold Brenda about her disgusting verbal dalliance with Tim, but Brenda lies some more and assures her friend, "I'm here to exercise.  Nothing more." If only.

Back here.  Dylan approaches Sarah all slowly because she's a good-for-nothing, unstable. boozy nightmare and she might just turn around and bludgeon him to death with a bar of Sex Wax.  But really, they catch up and Sarah asks after Brandon, inquiring if Dylan ever sees him.  Dylan, sounding exhausted by the very thought, sighs, "All the time, you know, at school, and then some." She then asks about Brenda, and Dylan fails to mention that she's his girlfriend, which is a crime against the humankind, given that Brenda is the Hottest Bitch in town and he should be shouting it from the rooftops.

Sarah death wishes, "They shoulda just let me drown." I don't disagree, but Dylan says, "It's not their style." It's not their style to let people drown and die? Wow.  How honorable.  Anyway, Sarah talks about getting back out to surf again: "Maybe the salt water will help me get this mush outta my brain." I think only a high dosage of a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor's gonna help that, Sar.

Of course Dylan surfily surf-bros, "The waves are up.  And I'm goin' out tomorrow morning if you wanna meet me." And then she agrees and everyone involved here can go jump in a lake because this whole thing really sticks in my craw.

The Peach Pit.  Nat and Brandon set up the BEHEMOTH television and various karaoke accoutrements.  Seriously, if that thing takes a tumble from the wall, at least 17 people will be crushed to death.  Brandon asks, "You sure this is a good idea?" Nat tells him, "You don't see the bills, Brandon.  Since the remodeling and this recession thing, yeah, we got the lunch traffic, all right, but our night business isn't what it used to be." Perhaps getting rid of smug garden gnomes whose only job is standing around talking to their friends and polishing their unused spatulas would help with the money issues, Nat.  And maybe not giving away goddamn free food ALL THE TIME.  Worst Business Owner EVER.

Then there's a knock at the door and Nat foreshadows the plot line from "Meeting Mr. Pony," two episodes from now, with, "If he's got a gun and a mask, tell him we're closed." Brandon proceeds to rip open the blinds like this because he is a worthless asshole.

He opens the door to Dylan, and then they talk about that intoxicated strumpet Sarah, Dylan saying that she remembers Brandon, and Brandon bragging, "That's because I give great mouth-to-mouth." To half-dead people.  Score!

Nat then puts on his best Tony Micelli impression and says, "Hey, what, am I doin' this alone or what?" Fucking Nat, you guys.

Here.

Dylan on the porch.  Brenda opens the front door.  He asks about her aerobics class and she tells him, "Oh, ya know, a lot of lonely, sweaty people without a date on a Friday night," failing to mention she met the loneliest, sweatiest, slimiest, scuzziest one of them all and for some reason became enamored with him.

Dylan then shows her his 90-day sobriety chip and what a fucking snooze.  Can you imagine having an alcoholic for a boyfriend? In high school? Or at any other time in your life? What a drag.  Alcohol is just, like, the best.  Also, it goes without saying, but Dylan looks extremely dreamy right here.

Brenda says, "I had no idea," because she's a shit-girlfriend and is practically shoving him into Kelly's duplicitous arms.  He asks her to come to an AA meeting with him sometime and suggests the following Sunday, but of course, Brenda wants to attend another exercise class with Tim, so she says she might have other plans, because she's a monster, and Dylan gets all Sad Sack-like (more-so, for him, that is) so she says that she'll cancel her plans, and then she invites him in but he says, "No, it's gettin' late and I gotta get up early in the morning, 'cause the waves are happenin' and the shape will probably blow out in a couple of days." Not even whatever that was takes away from how he looks here.  Such is the power of Dylan and his Sideburns of Steel.

Kisses.

Fade to the beach as the Speedster pulls up and it's clearly the scene from "The Green Room," where Dylan and Brandon arrive at the beach.

Here's Sarah, waiting at her undoubtedly trash-heap car with the driver's side door painted a matted color that's a different color than the rest of the car.  She and Dylan are all, "Surf surf surf blah blah blah."

Shots of people riding waves as our friend Sweet Ghee-tar Lick plays in the background.

Back on the beach, Sarah and Dylan drink Mimosas.  No.  They drink coffee.  Sarah's all, "This is what it used to be like before I had to get drunk to have a good time." Erm...is that a problem? Should I be worried about myself? Then they talk about being a couple of burnouts and how inebriation and surfing went hand in hand.

Dylan asks if she finished school, but of course she didn't, but she's enrolled in beauty school and I'll bet anything bitch ends up at Cost Cutters.  And then he asks her, "You wanna cut my hair?" and she's all, "Now that'd be a challenge," and then she does this:

Like, scratches behind his ears, like you would do to a dog, which was unnerving and spooky at the same time.

Kitchen at the House Of Walsh.  Jim, who's being a complete irritant about this whole karaoke thing, comes in asking about this whole karaoke thing: "Good morning, good morning.  Is everyone looking forward to tonight? I talked to the guys at the office - everyone is coming." Don't front like you've got friends, Jim.  He adds that whatever bottom-basement client sold him on the idea advised him, "The bigger the crowd, the better.  Get people to try karaoke once, and they're hooked." He's popping, like, ALL the Woodrows over this thing.  Settle down, Jim.

Whatever, whatever, Tim calls the house, Cindy answers, Brenda takes it and flirts with the douche as her family looks on in bewilderment because why would Brenda flirt with someone when Dylan FUCKING McKay is her boyfriend??? Bitches be crazy.

Back to these two.  Sarah wants to continue being a whimpering, nasally albatross and go to the movies with Dylan later in the evening, but he tells her he already has plans and to do the world a favor and go drown herself in the ocean.  Except not all of that.

Peach Pit.  Worthless Nat's on stage (?) and welcomes everyone to "the debut of karaoke at the Peach Pit." This is my worst nightmare.

Everyone claps, including Steve, in a blouse he borrowed from Cindy, Cindy, in a blouse she borrowed from Rose Nyland, and Jim, in a v-neck sweater he picked up at the Gap.

Just because.

Shit.  Nat calls Jim to perform first, and Jim is so, so, so Smug Jim right now, I want to fight someone.  He tells the crowd, "Welcome, everybody,  Great to see you all.  Thanks for comin' out.  For my first number, I'm gonna do one of my old favorites.  Take it away, Nat."

So "Doo Wah Diddy" starts up and everyone simultaneously commits suicide.

No, seriously.  It's the Jonestown Massacre up in here.  Flavor Aid all around!

Cindy to Steve: "I do not know that man." Steve says, "Come on, Mrs. Walsh.  He's great," but we all know no one should ever take an opinion from Steve.

Brandon approaches AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who's of course sitting alone at the counter, geeking out as only she can, and asks, "So, what do ya think?"

Oh, FUCK. AHHHHHHHHNdrea singing...the same song.  And thus begins the a terrifying montage where we get shots of everyone singing:

Dylan, Brenda and Brandon...

...Steve and Kelly...

...David and Donna - the SAME FUCKING SONG.  Because this was apparently the ONE SONG that was made available to Nat? So any person who participates in the karaoke is mandated to sing it?

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea does the most horrifying shoulder pump thing and I proceed to lose ALLLLLLLL my lunches, going back at least like, 3 years.

David is actually funny for a moment, when Donna isn't singing and he's all, "Hello?"

And of course, as we all know, no episode would be complete without some inappropriate brother-on-sister action between Brenda and Brandon; in this instance, Brandon, who's quite the predator himself, kisses his sister.  And she proceeds to scream, as one does.  Because she's had enough of his unwarranted come-ons.

We are mercifully saved from all the lewd karaoke antics as we get a shot of Dylan's house.

He and Brenda enter, and he talks not about the cyanide tablet I would think he would want to swallow right about now, but about making a sandwich.  Brenda waxes nostalgic about a time when the only sandwich on Dylan's mind was located in her pants...? You guys? I don't know.

So they start with the macking...

...and then she sees that he's got a message on his answering machine, so she hits play and we unfortunately are subjected to Sarah's sniveling voice: "Hi, it's me, Sarah.  I hope it's not too late.  But I'm not doing so hot tonight.  In fact I need a drink pretty bad.  Call me.  Please.  Bye."

Dylan informs Brenda that it's "someone from the program," and that, "It's supposed to be confidential.  I'm sorry," which, he didn't have a problem blabbing about her to Brandon and Nat, but whatever.  Brenda tells him to take her home and then go deal with the fucking burdensome train wreck.  But like, in a nice way.

Exterior, Some Trashy Apartment Building.

Dylan approaches, knocks, and Sarah flings open the door with a, "I'm so glad to see you.  Thanks for coming.  I didn't know who else to call." Here's an idea: how about anyone else who you've known longer than five minutes?

Over to her couch, where the guy who plays Bosch on the television show, Bosch, is passed out with a bottle in-hand.  Non-Interesting, Run-Of-The-Mill-For-Los-Angeles, I Live In L.A. Anecdote: Bosch filmed on my street one time.  I know, right?!? (I don't watch the show; I know nothing about it.  So this is actually all whatever the opposite of "exciting" is.) My entire street was shut down over night and they brought in a bunch of stuff to make it look like a DUI checkpoint.  Not having grown up here and seeing this kind of thing all the time (you do see filming around town all. the. TIME.), it still always fascinates me, even if it's not a t.v. show or movie I have an interest in.

Back to something we all care about (I guess): this show.  Sarah tells Dylan, "He won't leave, and if he stays, I know I'm gonna take that bottle outta his hand and drink it myself." Why not? Drinking is fun!

Dylan approaches Bosch with, "Hey, buddy.  Time to go home."

Bosch does appreciate being awakened from a drunken stupor, however, and belligerently asks, "Who the hell are you?" Dylan says that he's a friend of Sarah's, and Bosch comes to the conclusion that Dylan and Sarah are Doing The It and that's why she wanted to break up with him.  I mean, it's the only sensible reason she would want to, given what a non-greasy, un-blottoed charmer he clearly is.

Further demonstrating this undeniable sexual magnetism, Bosch proceeds to call Sarah a "little slut," and as he takes his leave, graciously telling Dylan, "You can have her." What a peach!

So then Sarah stands there, pawing at Dylan's chest and squeaking out things like, "Please, please don't leave," and "He's gonna come back." You should be so lucky, sister.

Somewhere In The Walsh 'Hood.

Kelly and Brenda jog.  Kelly's trying to explain to Brenda that, "Outreach calls are a part of Dylan's program," but Brenda says that it was weird hearing Sarah's voice because, "It's not just like it's any girl, I know her." Kelly asks who she is and Brenda takes us back to "The Green Room" again and how Sarah's the surf rat that almost drowned.  Kelly says, "I thought her name was Betty," and Brenda schools, "That's just what they call her, 'cause she's a surf Betty, ya know?" Kelly: "Oh, a bimbo." People in trampy, blonde houses, Kelly.

Blah blah Brenda called Dylan really late the night before, he wasn't home, so she automatically assumes he was out boning her besotted 'gina.  Kelly fucking fails us all and brings up that unwanted degenerate, Tim, saying that Brenda hasn't told Dylan about him.  Brenda gets her back up at this and again insists, "He's just some guy who said hello to me in exercise class.  There's nothing to tell." There will be when your lifeless body's discovered by corpse-sniffing German Shepherds in some dense undergrowth near Tim's Westwood dormitory.

H.O.W. kitchen.  Jim's singing goddamn "Doo Wah Diddy" and causing me to bleed internally.  And HE'S USING A BANANA AS A MICROPHONE OH THE HUMANITY.  Cindy and Brandon sit at the counter, she having the appearance of someone who's about to file for divorce and saying, "Jim, please.  Give it a rest." Jason Priestley nails the next line in his delivery with, "Yeah, Jim." Smug Jim insists, "You guys just don't have an ear for talent." Fuuuuuuuck.

Kelly and Brenda enter through the back door, Brenda asking if Dylan's called.  Brandon says no, but that Tim called, and Kelly, who is only a handful of episodes away from maneuvering in on her best friend's boyfriend, mere hours after said friend leaves the country, is all scandalized about Tim calling, sarcastically saying, "Oh, and there's nothing to tell, huh? I'm sure you'll tell Dylan all about it, won't you?" Shut it, broad.

Then there's this unsettling exchange where Brandon gives Brenda Tim's number but seems really bothered by the fact he's calling her, given that he thinks that if anyone's going to take Brenda out after her and Dylan break up, it should be him.

Interior, Sarah's apartment; she carries a tray with some food, a glass of apple juice (?) and a "COLA" into the living room.  She's sets it down on the coffee table...

...in front of where Dylan sleeps on the couch.  His face is smooshed into one of the cushions, and I can't help but hypothesize that that thing smells like stale cigarette smoke, dirty hair, old beer and minimum wage.

Dylan rights himself and Sarah sits down next to him as he reaches for the soda? Which looks like ginger ale? Or is that apple juice? I don't know.  This is the breakfast of someone who's given up on life.

Sarah thanks him again for staying over and tells him, "You look cute in the morning." He chuckles, even though he knows it to be gospel.

And then the bitch goes in for the kill.  With her lips.  And he doesn't exactly stop her.  Not a first, anyway.  

They lean back on the couch and then he finally pushes her away, saying, "This isn't a good idea."

And then he gets into talking about the 12 steps, which Sarah blows off as she paws at him some more and nuzzles his neck.  Gross.  He informs her of the 13th step, which is, "when people in the program start foolin' around." She doesn't think there's anything wrong with that, since at least it's two unhinged, teetering-on-the-brink sobers getting involved.

He tells her she doesn't even know him and, proving her superb judgment skills yet again, says, "You surf and you're sober.  What else do I need to know?" And then, squeeeeeeeeeezing the life out of his shoulder: "God, I wanna drink so bad." He tells her to get a grip and go to a meeting or take a walk and I guess you can't really blame her when she says, "Why can't I just have you? Why?"

FINALLY: "I have a girlfriend." THAT'S RIGHT.  IN YOUR FACE.  All she can say now is, "I can't do this by myself," WHERE IS BITCH'S SPONSOR, and then, "I'm scared.  I'm so scared.  Scared I'm just gonna slide away." I mean, hopefully.

Dylan has some bizarre Hero Complex with this girl and so he assures her, "I'm not gonna let that happen.  I promise.  I'll go to the meeting tonight, okay? I'll be there." Whatever.

Bob Silver's Health World awning.

Jazzy music plays as everyone embarrasses themselves further.

Fucking Tim, looking back again...

...but it's only Kelly here this time.  He approaches her, asking about Brenda, and Kelly informs him that she's with her boyfriend.  Seeing as Brenda and Dylan aren't engaged, Tim declares Brenda to be, "fair game," because she's obviously a trophy to be won.  Kelly asks, "You don't give up, do you?" and Tim describes himself as "relentless," which I'm pretty sure is a trait of most serial killers.  He adds, "It's part of my charm," because he's nearly as delusional as Steve.  Or me.

AA Meeting.  Ben "The Mullet" Drunk Guy at the mic: "Next week, Dylan, you're bringing the coffee."

Shot of Dylan, Brenda next to him, giving the a.o.k. sign.  There's like, 50 people in this thing.  He has to bring coffee for 50 fucking people? What? Also, are people just allowed to bring family members, girlfriends, whomever to these meetings? I thought they were supposed to be anonymous, hence Alcoholics Anonymous?

So then everyone stands holding hands, and in unison gives the whole, "Keep coming back.  It works if you work it." It apparently works so well that Dylan will be cured of his alcoholism when he comes back to the show in Season 9.  ANYWAY.

So up comes Ben, and Dylan introduces him to Brenda, and she says that she's heard all about him, and again I say,  ANONYMOUS? Anyone??? I'm so very confused.

Dylan then asks after Sarah, which causes Brenda and the rest of us to make this face, and Ben cares as little about her as we do because he tells Dylan, "You work your program, and let Sarah work hers."

Pit.  Inside, this lady sings "Your Cheatin' Heart."

We pan over to Steve and AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea at a table, and they bust out into simultaneous laughter and get all close and are seriously really likable in this moment.  Steve and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea should have only ever had scenes with each other, minus the wretchedness that was this from the first season.

David and Donna arrive and join them, Donna absurdly declaring, "She's making me nostalgic for Mr. Walsh." Bite your tongue, you stupid bitch.

Jim and Cindy (looking very pretty here) approach Nat at the counter, Jim asking, "What'd I tell you? Is this great or what?" I'm going to have to go with "or what," Jimbo.

But Nat is an idiot and says, "I gotta admit it, they are here and they are buying.  Thank you, pal." Jim's all, "My pleasure.  That is, until the next episode where I attempt to put you out of business and my cretin of a son cares more about you than me, which he will prove time and time again on this show."

And then Jim ensures that his wife is absolutely going to cheat on him with Glen, Nat, Willy, Steve whoever, by telling her, "I don't know how to tell you this, honey, but I feel a song coming on."

JESUS CHRIST JIM ONSTAGE, DANCING, SINGING, CAUSING ACTUAL, PHYSICAL PAIN.  This time it's "Bee Bop A Lula" to show me that this actually can get worse.

We get a shot of Partial Gang at the table, giggling at the buffoon that is their friends' father.

Kelly and Brenda's future assailant Tim walk in, and Kelly introduces him to everyone, and no one runs and hides because he emits such a mad stench of scary-as-fuck or anything.

Brandon arrives to add another layer of  repulsiveness to this mess: Kelly introduces him to Tim as Brenda's brother, and Tim revoltingly tells him, "You got a real cute sister," WHAT THE FUCK and it gets even more stomach-spinning when Brandon replies with, "Thanks." He concludes that this dick-cheese "must be Exercise Class Tim." Tim concurs, adding, "Don't let this incredible physique fool you.  I'm really lousy at it." Has this deformity ever interacted with humans before?

Brandon then smiles a tight smile, the kind you give when you've just met someone who you're pretty sure eats other people, then walks away.

At the table, Dumb Cunt Donna leans into Kelly: "Now I know why you're suddenly so into aerobics." Kelly informs her that Tim likes Brenda, and by "likes Brenda," she of course means, "is going to strangle Brenda to death in some bramble and then have sex with her body."

Brenda and Dylan walk in at this moment...

...to see Jim onstage saying, "Who knew accountants could be so groovy?" I refuse.  I refuse.

Brandon comes by and informs his sister that a "friend" (read: "forthcoming assaulter") of hers just showed up...

...and said "friend" (read: "forthcoming assaulter") is all, "Brenda!"...

...and Dylan's all, "Clearly I have nothing to worry about, but who the fuck?"

Tim approaches and somehow doesn't instantaneously burst into an inferno at the sight of Dylan's sideburns and Smoldering Smolderingness.

What follows is what I imagine being murdered feels like: Tim makes a bunch of asinine jokes, Brenda laughs at them because, like Donna, she's also a dumb cunt, and Dylan exits stage whatever to make a phone call, but mostly to get the hell away from Tim.

Cindy appears, Brenda introduces the fucking nobody standing next to her, and Cindy is ALL THE PEOPLE and seems less-than-impressed with Dylan's potential (vile) replacement.

And speaking of vile things, Cindy talks a bunch of mess about Karaoke Jim and how she's already contacted her lawyer and the divorce papers have been drawn up and then Tim thinks he's a fucking savior or something and says, "Come on, Brenda.  Let's show 'em how it's done,"...

...and then they're onstage, singing "Wild Thing" and I lose all control of my faculties and am sitting here writing this in a puddle of my own urine while humming "Rhythm Nation" and drooling down my bib.

We get this shot of The Gang, laughing maniacally, which I'm presuming is directed at Tim and his braided yachting rope-adorned sweater which is very similar to one I owned and was a integral part of my winter wardrobe between 1986 and 1987.

Dylan, meanwhile, has hung up the receiver of the payphone and walked out to the counter to witness the horror show that's occurring onstage.  As with me and anyone else with a pulse, he is not pleased with what he's seeing.

Brenda then shimmies her shoulders, which would've been adorable but it was for Tim's benefit which means that it's actually an offense punishable by public hanging in the town square.

Dylan, swallowing back the bile that has undoubtedly coated his mouth, motions for her to join him.

She does, making some lame excuse of, "I'm sorry.  He dragged me up there." Dylan informs her that he's leaving to go find his mentally unstable side-piece, as she didn't answer her phone and he's worried that she's fallen face-first into a pile of Royal Gate and whiskey dick.  Brenda's none too happy about this, but after some initial passive aggressive hem/haw, she insists that he go.  Probably so that she can stick her tongue in Tim's mouth, which I guarantee tastes of old coffee and tonsil stones.

Donna and Kelly have observed all the DRAAAAAAAMZZZZ, and Donna asks, "Where do you think he's going?" Kelly, trying to hold back her absolute joy at the slow demise of Brenda and Dylan's relationship, says, "I don't know, but it must be pretty important, he's just leaving her there."

Tim abandons the song (gee, what a grand karaoke night!) and comes up to Brenda from behind, which is how he's used to approaching his unassuming victims.  He's all, "If you need a ride, I can take you home." Every word out of this guy's mouth sounds like evidence that will be used after Brenda's remains are discovered in his crawl space.

Sarah's Trash Heap.

Dylan pounds on the door, demanding it be opened.  From inside, that Dream Date Bosch slurs, "Who the hell is that?"

Sarah, soused, flings open the door, all, "Hi, Dylan."

Bosch, rising up from the couch, clearly hopes this new dynamic will devolve into a three-way: "Feel like a beer? We're just havin' a couple ourselves."

Dylan, disappointed: "I can't believe you gave her a drink." Bosch, ever the gentleman, informs him, "I didn't give her nothin'.  She was drunk when I got here."

Dylan asks Sarah if this is true, which is her cue to Play The Elvin Victim: "If it's anybody's fault I'm drunk, it's yours.  I told you I couldn't do it alone, but you turned your back on me.  What was I supposed to do?" Dylan insists he tried to help her; she tells him to leave.

Bosch dream-boatingly adds, "Yeah, Mr. Clean.  Time to go home." Dylan begs her to come with him, and what? Leave this palace and this prince-of-a-guy! I don't think so!

And neither does Bosch! He goes to punch Dylan, but Our Dylan and his cat-like reflexes dodge the blow and in turn slug Bosch in the face and to the ground.

Bosch falls into a "bookshelf" made of cinder blocks and plywood.  Because OF COURSE there's one of those in this hell hole.

Sarah collapses to the ground next to her very own Prince Charming and screams at Dylan to leave.

Dylan, who really doesn't want to smell like Eau de Blue Collar anymore, throws up his hands and exits.

H.O.W.  Inside Cindy and Jim's Lair.  Jim exits the bathroom, pajama'ed and be-robed up to Jesus, flossing his teeth, saying, "I don't know how Sinatra does it.  75 and he still gets up there." Oh, por favor.

Cindy stands by their window, peeking out and informing him, "They're still outside," meaning Tim and Brenda.  I assume she's keeping an eye on them because she suspects Tim might whip out a bottle of chloroform and a rag and hold it to Brenda's mouth at some point, and she wants to be at the ready.  Jim says, "So what? He's a nice guy." Of course this fool would think so.

They get into their bed where Cindy is absolutely not having sex with Jim tonight, or ever again, for that matter, as she asks, "What do you think it means? What about Dylan?" Jim insists that they're just talking, and oh, if only that were true.

Driveway of Walsh.  Tim sits on his Not Hot Dylan Car as Brenda stands before him.  Brenda: "Thanks for taking me home." Tim: "I'll take you home any night of the week." Me: 
"[Scrunches up face as if I just walked into some kind of diarrhea factory.]"

She starts to say something, but he interrupts with, "I know.  You have a boyfriend.  I tell you what.  If you want, I'll get in my car, I'll drive away and I'll never look back.  Just say the word." Something tells me he's not going to go away without a restraining order.  Or a multi-count murder conviction.

Brenda tells him, "I don't want you to do that."

AND THEN HE STANDS AND THEY KISS AND I CAN ACTUALLY SEE MY FLESH CRAWLING, LIKE IT'S TRYING TO ESCAPE MY BODY AND I DON'T BLAME IT FOR ONE MINUTE.

Brenda backs away with a, "I shouldn't be doing this."

Tim responds by smirking and going in for another because rape culture was apparently as much of a problem back in the early-90s as it is now.

So they're kissing and he WHISPERS FOR FUCK'S SAKE, "Yes you should." The only way this would've been worse is if he had used the word "lover" here.

Brenda steps back again and tells him, "I'm sorry.  I can't.  I don't mean to lead you on." He tells her that she's not and adds, "Do me a favor and think about it, will ya, Brenda?" Think about how this evening has been a terrifying glimpse into the future with a very scary man such as yourself? Sure! And then he does my favorite thing: "I like you, Brenda Walsh." Oh, fuck off, Tim Matthews.

Morning time.

Brenda, in her room, lying in her bed.  Brandon knocks on the door but then barges in, hoping to get a glimpse of his sister in the buff, no doubt.

Blah blah he asks her if she's going to school, she says she's not, he starts to leave, she stops him and tells him all about kissing Tim, he froths with jealousy but gives her AMAZINGLY good advice (for a turd like him) with, "I think we're supposed to kiss a few different people before we settle down with one person for the rest of our lives," blah.

Back here.  This Old Man is onstage singing "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." Given that this is like, the middle of the afternoon, we can assume that Nat is a complete imbecile and is offering karaoke from open to close, instead of just once a week or month.  Once again I query: HOW does Nat own a business? He is a god awful entrepreneur.  Just terrible.

These Nobodies wholeheartedly agree with me, and they get up from the counter, shake their heads, and get the fuck out.

Pan over here, David, Donna, AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and Steve sit, all looking extremely bored.  David asks, "So who's gonna tell him?" Donna insists that it be Steve and AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea adds, "Somebody's got to.  This is getting painful, akin to the pain people feel when they have to hang out with me for more than a few minutes at a time."

Brandon arrives to take their orders, and then they all dump on him about how the karaoke is repellent and that it doesn't feel like the Peach Pit is theirs anymore and that Brandon has to tell Nat that it's either the karaoke or them,.  But if they bounce, where will they go when they want free food all the time?

Behind the counter.  Nat scraps...his pubic lice from his crotch? I don't know.  Brandon walks up and gives him the straight-poop about a potential boycott if the karaoke continues.  Nat concurs, telling him, "You're right...the Peach Pit's a juke joint.  Always was, always will be." Brandon asks after the money but Nat assures him, "You kids are the lifeblood of this place.  I know what side my bread's buttered." Filthy.

Aerobics studio.  Terrible dancing.  Instructor: "Raise it up! And down."

Kelly and Brenda.  Brenda's anus is devouring the pointless thong underwear she's sporting over her leotard.

They walk towards the back of the room and OF COURSE Tim is hot on their tails to, I don't know, kill them? He asks, "So, what are you guys doin' tonight?"

Brenda asks Kelly for a minute with Tim, and then she THANK FUCK gives him the lowdown: "I'm sorry, but I don't think that we should be seeing each other." Tim, nearly as smooth as that lady-slayer Bosch, says, "Why not? Brenda, you're in high school.  You should be going out with a lot of guys." Because your opinion counts for squat, you fuckwitted dildo.

She tells him, "I don't want to.  I wanna go out with Dylan MOTHER-FUCKIN' MCKAY.  BITCH".

So then Tim proves every single thing I've said about him in spades and gets this really aggressive, chilling tone in his voice and seethes, "But the guy just left you standing there last night." WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT MY GOD.  I can't take much more of this guy.  I really can't.

She explains to him (even though he isn't owed an explanation and she should've actually just thrown boiling hot minestrone soup in his dumb face before turning on her heel and Usain Bolt-ing away), "That's not true.  Dylan wouldn't do that to me.  Someone was in trouble, and they were counting on him.  Dylan's not the type of guy who would turn his back on someone he made a promise to." Tim apologizes for jumping to conclusions and showing his true, pathological colors, and adds, "I guess I just really wanted to believe that Dylan was no good for you." Dylan's good for everyone, you pile.  I think I speak for Brenda and mankind when I say this.

Oh, but first this frightening, frightening man has to hit on Kelly.  He meets her outside and tells her, "She dumped me." Odd, considering the fact YOU WEREN'T EVEN GOING OUT.  Kelly says that she tried to warn him and then he even more disturbingly adds, "What does she see in that guy anyway? I mean, he's not that hot." ???????????????????????????????????????????? And: YES HE IS.  Kelly, not believing her words for a minute: "Trust me.  They're meant for each other."

And then, since all Tim's really looking for is some underage strange for the evening, he asks, "So, do you have a boyfriend?" And then they laugh and laugh and walk away together so that she can give him a beej in the parking lot and have no problem with slurping up Brenda's sloppy seconds.  That Kelly: What A Class Act.

McKay Manor.

Inside, Brenda and Dylan sit on the couch, looking so, so good.  Dylan's explaining that that trollop Sarah needed him.  Brenda tells him that she knows who Sarah was, that that gossipy bitch Brandon spilled the tea.  She adds, "Although I'm not quite sure why you didn't tell me who she was." Dylan says he doesn't know and then Brenda spits out a pissy, "Maybe you should think about that."

Dylan, just as crisp: "What about you and that cardio funk guy?" I love how Dylan says "cardio funk" like we all say "cardio funk," i.e. like the sound of those words together makes him want to self induce a coma with a bow and arrow to a lung.  He continues: "Maybe you should think about that, Bren.  At least I was tryin' to help someone."

She tells him that she understands the AA's a big part of his life but that there's such a thing as being too involved, and he informs her that Sarah clearly no longer needs his help, seeing as the last time he saw her, "She was curled up with her boyfriend and a bottle." He goes on, "You can't save someone who doesn't wanna be saved.  Hell, Bren, for a long time, I was that person.  But, when they're right there in front of you, drowning..."

...and Brenda interjects with *cry*, "...it can break your heart.  I know." He apologizes for disappearing on her the night before, and she confesses, "I did a little drifting myself." He queries, "Do I need to worry about this guy?" and I'm all, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo, NO, NO.  NEVER," and she says, "No.  Not anymore." Gee, that's...whatever the opposite of comforting is.

And then she brings down the (disgusting) hammer: "I kissed him.  I'm sorry, I feel terrible, maybe I'm telling you just so I'll feel better.  I don't know." Dylan admits that it happens and that his morning breath-coated-tongue made an appearance in Sarah's maw as well.

She dramatics, "What's happening to us?" He tells her, "I don't know.  I wonder what it's like when you're married 20 years and somebody else catches your eye." She says, "I guess if you're in love, you're flattered and you look the other way." He says that he doesn't want something like this (meaning two terrible tertiary characters who no one gives a hard shit about) to break them up, and she agrees.

And then she leans on him and we're reminded for the INFINITY FUCKING TIME over the course of this series how goddamn perfect these two are together.  Dylan assures her, "We're gonna be okay," and she says, "Yeah, we are," and this would be lovely and all except that we all know what's coming down the pike at 1,000 miles an hour, so let's not kid ourselves.

Immediate cut to a someone playing a silent keyboard.

It's Jim.  Jim, in his Casual Friday Gordon Gekko Finest, is playing the keyboard.  Silently.  But also singing, so not really silently.  You can't hear the keyboard but you can certainly hear his voice belting out "Wild Thing."

Cindy stands, watching her soon-to-be ex-husband, as Brandon comes up and says, "Dad's been driven underground, huh? I tried to be gentle.  Hope he didn't take the news too hard." Cindy absurdly says, "Your father's a survivor." (Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again: Carol Potter has, like, the best acting chemistry with every goddamn person on this show, and I really like her dynamic with Jason Priestley.)

Back to a MEGA CLOSEUP of Jim, singing you make everything, groovy.  MEDIC!

Brandon yuks it up with, "I guess he'll go down singin'." Cindy nods and sighs and seriously wonders what Glen is up to these days, making a mental note to get her Cheating Shawl out of storage.

One more shot of Jim, literally killing us loudly with his song.

See you next time for Dullsville, Population: Anyone Reading, for the recap of "The Pit and the Pendulum," wherein Worthless Nat deservedly almost loses his business because he's The Worst Restaurateur Ever and then Brandon Saves The Day! Only not really. But he does serve up some Peak Brandon - you know: passive-aggressive-then-just-plain-old-aggressive; belittling; dismissive.  What fun!

(Also, if you've yet to check it out, go on and take a look-see at my new-ish Instagram page, @brendawalshisalwaysbestdressed.  This week, I'm giving you the lowdown on all of the outfits from "Perfect Mom," where we're introduced to The Only Jackie Taylor That Ever Mattered and her glamorous adventures in coke whore-dom.  ~Tre~ eleganté, you guys.  You can also take a gander at my other Instagram page, which is really just a boring old appendage to this fever-dream of a blog: @modcam1923_letsmakefunof90210)