Back in Mexico, Dylan and Brenda sit at a restaurant table eating while "Guantanamera" plays in the background, because it wouldn't be a tv show about white people visiting Mexico without it.
They continue to argue about In Absentia Stacy, but despite this, Brenda declares she's having a wonderful time and shoves some refried beans really aggressively into her mouth. Because nothing says "joyful" like plunging a forkful of legumes down your maw.
But! This Walking Trope is there to lighten the mood and save the day! He's the restaurant's traveling guitar man, and approaches Dylan and Brenda's table to serenade them with "Feelings." En Español. ¡Olé!? Oy vey!
Dylan pulls this face...
...and this one...
...and Brenda, this one...
...and then they decide to straight laugh and laugh and laugh in this poor man’s face as he's just doing his fucking job, and I would be a lot more peeved about it but LOOK AT LUKE PERRY. I think I may have the vapors for the first time in my life. To the fainting couch!
Although he almost ruins everything when, after the hapless musician walks away in devastation and tears (I assume), he begins crooning the English-version of "Feelings" in Brenda's face. He's lucky he's pretty.
They decide to make up and then toast over ginger ale and Dylan throws in some more casual racism with yet another indeterminately "Spanish" accent and between this and the flippant depiction of Jake's rampant ephebophilia, I may have to go soak my head at the bottom of a frozen-over lake for a few months hours.
Over at the Peach Pit: Steve comes in to lick his wounds over Kelly denying him for, like, the 157th time since the show began. He tells Brandon about Jake having been at Kelly's house, referring to the himbo as the guy Dylan "said left all those girls in the drift," which was an apparent offscreen conversation, or one that got left on the cutting room floor by the editors, seeing as all we know from the earlier scene is that Jake previously schooled Dylan on the "finer" "points" of pick up artistry and the best method of courting Youths without getting arrested when you're a bordering-on-middle-aged day laborer. Brandon, a true advocate for women nowhere everywhere, tries to buck Steve up with a little pep talk of his own: "So what are you mopin' about, this is great! Whose shoulder do you think Kelly'll come crying on when he dumps her?" With friends like this guy, get new fucking friends, Kelly.
Spaceship Hatch. Mel and Jackie and Jackie's ill-fitting stirrup pants arrive home from Lamaze class.
Kelly enters the foyer to greet them, all geeked and giddy because a crime was perpetrated on her, like, physically on her person, about an hour ago.
An aside worth mentioning: Jackie tells Mel that she doesn't need Lamaze, that, "I don't need to take lessons on how to have a baby." Perhaps not, but I would advise her to take some lessons on choosing intimate partners with a little more discretion. And probably one on the whole "actually raising the child that comes out of you without being high on amphetamines and/or face down in a puddle of your own sick-mixed-with-Popov." Just some extracurriculars to keep in mind.
Anyway, Jackie's all jazzed that Kelly's not being a giant cooze anymore, when really, if she knew the real reason behind her daughter's improved mood, she should be calling the Los Angeles Special Victims Bureau to initiate an investigation. Only she probably wouldn't because Jackie most likely thinks the aged Jake is a real hunk-of-a-dreamboat herself. The utterly dysfunctional Taylor gals hug and Kelly pulls away in awe after feeling the Spawn of Silver kick and then the hugging commences and Kelly looks over her mother's shoulder at Mel like she still can't fucking believe this be-mulleted, monotonic MONDO geek with a penchant for dishonesty and a hankerin' for early-20-something oral hygienist tail is going to be her stepdad. And neither can the rest of us.
And now: enjoy these next few shots while you can, kids.
Because we're high-speed-railing it toward the grim assassination of one of the most charismatic television couples ever.
Let us remember them as they were here: outfits? Adorable. Sideburns? Fire.
Chemistry? I ship. I've shipped for (gulp) 33 looooong years. Next up for me: most likely a 5150, followed by a self-imposed Forever Exile on one of those cat islands run by nuns.
The next day...under a natural light that tells me it's about 6:00 p.m.: surf surf surf.
I mean. The GOAT.
Although this turned my stomach and then threw battery acid on it and then lit it ablaze and then put that blaze out with bile and urine, mostly because they clearly placed microphones inside the actors' mouths so every single saliva bubble and tongue thrust (medic!) and damp lip smack was amplified to, like, AHHHHHNdrea-talking-into-a-megaphone levels when heard through the airpods pressed nearly flush against my poor, desecrated eardrums.
This blog's name could be changed to a lot of things: OF COURSE; Fucking Finally; I Hate Brandon "Brow-Furrower" Walsh; Look at Steve's Terrible Mullet and/or Midriff-Baring Top; Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck; or AND HERE WE GO, that last one because...
Brenda's a little nervous (she doesn't know from "nervous" just yet), seeing as the Speedster was flagged to pull over. Dylan and his Cool Guy Ray Bans assure her it's just a random thing: "They stop every tenth car." (Obviously, Brenda's shirt here is phenomenal, but we'll discuss it next episode, as we'll get plenty of full-length shots of the whole ensemble, specifically when they're in Border Jail and start playing grab-ass and Jim walks in at that exact moment and it is just delicious. In your face, Tony Sopra-not!)
This Border Agent approaches with his sad little Zuck clipboard, asking for IDs.
Brenda, OF COURSE (!), doesn't have hers, seeing as it got jacked by sawed off shotgun enthusiast Graham during the Peach Pit robbery and she's yet to receive the replacement. Border Agent then suggests a copy of her birth certificate as if that's totally reasonable and people travel with photocopies of their birth record on them at all times. I mean, maybe you should if you're going to Mexico? Obviously, I assume A LOT x ALL THE THINGS are different now than three decades ago, so I haven't a clue. Not just about this but about, like, anything.
Dylan assures Border Agent, "She's just as American as I am."
But Border Agent seems to be slightly amused by this whole melodramatic predicament, and, after advising them of the "latest INS crackdown" and more stringent regulations, tells them to just call Brenda's parents, seeing as she's 17 and as her legal guardians, they can vouch for her and bring her the certificate, easy-peasy!
But Our Brenda knows, AS THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD DOES, that having to call her dad and admit to the lie and witness his peanutty head on the brink of implosion and dealing with the whole goddamn fallout that will inevitably ensue and Jim's piteous attempts to assert his suspendered dominance over her, is tantamount to time to call it a fucking life, Bren. The DEATH SYNTH is accompanied by the DEATH DRUMS to let us know they’re in complete agreement with this assessment as the screen fades to black. Whoaaaa, daddy.
Next time: the only Royal (minus Mel) Wedding I will ever acknowledge.
Glad to see you back - you just might be the only living author I'm following 😅
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" - the same one that inspired "Mean Girls" - offers a tactic against Donna's 'pretend you're at a friend's' trick: Mum just calls said friend and says she's in the neighbourhood and can she pop in quickly to drop something off. Of course, the fund of cunning and guile required to pull off such a trick isn't really Cindy's stock-in-trade, but it's a thing nonetheless.
I like Dylan's Baja shirt and that's about it. I also wonder what the ramifications have been for showing Brenda, Kelly and pretty much all the girls running after older men who seem to relish the attention a little too much. Then again, Brandon clearly has a thing for mature women and Steve, Dylan and David have all had their moments, so I dunno.
Main point is, welcome back, look forward to future posts, no matter when they drop and hope you're doing okay 🤘