I gotta say: Part 1 has me snoozin'. But at least Brandon feels terrible the whole time, so I have that to keep me warm on this frigid Los Angeles eve.
We start at the Beach Club...
...with the Kampz for Kidz or whatever the hell...
...and the smalls have clearly tired of Brandon as much as the rest of us, seeing as they're burying him alive in the sand. They're gonna need to shove a couple of scoopfuls in that maw of his, however, seeing as he's still able to breath and speak, calling out, "AHHHHHNdrea. AHHHN...AHHHHHNdrea, AHHHHHHNdrea. This is gettin' a little out of hand."
AHHHHNdrea for some reason still enjoys his company and giggles, "Sorry, Brandon, I can't help you. I'm busy right now!" probably talking the ear off some poor 7-year-old about her Senior year syllabus as Editress-in-Dweeb for the ever-loving, National Press Club Journalism Award-winning FUCKING Blaze.
Cut over to this little boy. As a non-spoiler because this is a long-in-tooth episode of television and we're all marching toward death so who cares: this kid's name is Cameron and he's deaf and AHHHHHNdrea will overstep some boundaries this episode to get him in the Kidz for Kampz program; his mother will be kind of a drag about the whole thing which is entirely understandable due to the AHHHHHHHNdrea of it all; and Brandon will use him as a pawn in order to get AHHHHHNdrea to stay in town instead of going off to the Republican National Convention (fuuuuuuck) with her damp paper towel of a boyfriend, Gray Berman or whatever the fuck his non-name is and it's just as much of a heart-string-puller as it sounds - that is to say, not at all.
Anyway, it's clear that Cameron's interest in Kiddie Kamptown USA is piqued, but he knows his downer of mom won't let him join so he just makes a frustrated face to himself (mayhap because he senses The Zuck on his horizon?), asks for a book to read and calls it a fucking day. Same, Cameron. Same. Except instead of "asks for a book to read," mine would be "asks for a bottle of wine to take to the head."
Worthless Henry! Having reached peak worthlessness in the previous episode, he's back to rib Brandon about being whatever is the opposite of Employee of the Month: "Layin' down on the job again, Walsh?" - WHEN IN THE FUCK IS HE NOT - "Get back to work, you lazy bum." DRAG HIM TO FILTH. Except that this is all said good-naturedly before he walks off to go, I don't know, meet Worthless Nat at the Peach Pit for their weekly Worthlessness Anonymous gathering. Thanks for coming out, Worthless Henry!
AHHHHNdrea announces to the kids that it's lunchtime and everyone runs off, including AHHHHHHHNdrea...
...leaving Brandon behind as he should be, always and forever.
Sadly for her, he manages to extract himself from the sandpit and catches up, saying, "You got a good group of kids there," and then begins to ask her to hang out later that night...
...but as in the last episode, she cuts him off to call out, "Jay!" who has arrived to pick her up, and then back to Brandon: "I'm sorry, 'scuse me, I gotta go. I'll see you later, okay?"
Brandon sad sacks, "Okay," and inject this directly into my VEINS I love it.
Cindy appears out of thin air for her 45 seconds of airtime, asking, "Oh, is that AHHHHHNdrea's new boyfriend?" Brandon me-OWs, "I don't know, he's a boy; he's her friend," and oh, how I cherish a bitchy and bothered Brandon.
Shot of Jay and AHHHHHHNdrea hugging like the two no-sex-having geeks they truly are. Steamy.
It's obvious Cindy is only here to torture her shitty spawn, which is apparent when she twists the knife even further: "Well, she certainly looks happy!" Brandon laughs through a grimace with, "I hadn't noticed." Having done her part to inflict spiritual damage upon her weasel of a son, Cindy's off to go hang with another turd - Jim - to play gin rummy. Sounds like a nightmare!
BAH. A true jump scare occurs as a topless - and epidermically defiled HE'S SO PINK - Steve appears, also as if from nowhere, holding a folded-up newspaper (sure, Jan); he asks Brandon, "Have you seen today's Times?" There is no way in HELL that this brain-wormed stooge reads "the Times" or anything other than the back of the Alpha-Bits box on the daily. I guess we've already reached the inevitable point in the episode where I need to slap on my Suspension of Disbelief dunce cap. Anyway, Brandon says he hasn't seen the paper and Steve tells him, "Dylan's old man made the front page. He's up for parole."
Brandon reads the headline and lets out a big old theater kid-exhale: "Well, to tell ya the truth, I think Dylan's better off with his old man behind bars." You know what should also be behind bars? Whatever is happening atop Steve's head right here.
