Part 1? I’ve got you covered. Part 2?? Why, it's right here. Part 3??? At this link, natch. And now, fall into Part 4 and feel as dejected and disgusted as I do.
We remain at Brenda's House of Horrors.
Inside, we're in her bedroom where she stands at her dresser, shoving items into a bag as Dylan tries to reason with her, i.e. get her the fuck out of town so he can be a very handsome pile for the rest of the summer. He implores her to calm down, to which she replies, "I'll be fine as soon as I get outta this house," and, referring to Jim and Cindy: "They are manipulative, they are arrogant, they are mean."
As she walks to the other side of the room, Dylan proclaims, "Yeah, they're your parents," and yes, this Perennial Little Boy Lost would ABSOLUTELY be the expert in the field of Just Fucking TERRIBLE Parentage, given:
Exhibits A through M; and:
Exhibits N through Septuple Z.
Dylan goes on to tell her that Jim's motives may be "bogus," but, "We are talkin' about a chance to see Paris, okay? I've been there, you haven't. And I think that you're makin' a big mistake if you let this opportunity to see that part of the world slip by just because your father pushes you too hard and doesn't know when to let go." Just fucking tell her you're looking to suck and fuck with Kelly all over the Beach Club this summer and be done with it, man. God.
Enter Cindy: "Look, Brenda, it's obvious that you are as frustrated and angry with us as we are with you. But you should know that sending you to Paris was my brilliant idea, not your father's. In fact, he predicted you'd see it as a ploy to keep you and Dylan apart." She then offers, "I just don't wanna see you make the same mistake I did," clearly referring to Jim. Jim was the mistake. Big mistake. HUGE.
And she confirms as much, telling them that when she was in college, she was due to spend her Junior year at the Sorbonne, but then she met Jim (via Glen, per the lore - and WOW, what a positively devastating track record for Our Cindy) and decided to stay in Minnesota with his wholly unworthy ass, and everyone and their mother thought she was a total fool (Ed. note: they were right) but she thought she knew what was best and that she'd have LOADS of time to travel someday, but now, 20 years later, she's never been to Paris or London and she also brought into the world another abominable (and really fucking smug) male and she fully regrets everything she's ever done other than giving birth to Brenda.
We get a shot of Dylan looking just so unbelievably dreamy, and he flirts that at least she's been to Beverly Hills...
...and Cindy smiles at him...
...and he smolders back with a wee little smirk and I've said it before and I'll say it again: Dylan absolutely should've cheated on Brenda with her own mother.
Brenda, clearly interested in putting the land mass of the United States, the Atlantic Ocean, Portugal, Spain, and two-thirds of France between herself and the disappointing men in her life - i.e. all of them - asks, "So you're saying I could still go to Paris if I wanted to?" Cindy jokes that it would be easier than locking her up in the basement for the summer and that, "Whether you go or not, we're gonna get through this, we really will. So you just let us know what you wanna do." She then takes her leave after flawlessly demonstrating how this entire goddamn ordeal could have been handled if level-heads, meaning NOT JIM'S NOT AT ALL, had prevailed FROM THE JUMP.
Brenda sighs and plops down on the bed, asking Dylan, "Why are things always so complicated?"
Dylan, making it
real hard to be preemptively angry with him looking like THAT, says, "
Seems pretty simple to me, really. You just get on a plane and have the time of your life in Paris," and when she queries, "What about us?" he hands her the giant, woven red flag that has the word FORESHADOWING embroidered on it that he made just for her and replies, "If our relationship can't stand literally THIRTY seconds, like, you'll see in a few minutes! Truly half a fucking minute after I turn my back to your departing airport shuttle six weeks without seeing each other, maybe your father's right. We don't belong together."
She stares at him sort of sadly because she knows he's going to inevitably disappoint her, too.
Later, Dylan descends the staircase while looking at his pocket watch? that's attached to a WATCH FOB? Not only was he television's Original Fuckboy, he was also ostensibly its first Peaky Blinder, because that's absolutely what those people on that show I've never seen are called. (I looked it up and it turns out I was actually correct. Sometimes being a fucking clown pays off.)
Anyhow, as Dylan heads to the door, some suspenders with a CPA attached appear from the living room. Dylan informs Jim, "You got what you wanted," and Jim counters, "Well, I wouldn't go that far. With Brenda, one learns to distinguish between what you want and what you get," and oh, FEMALES. We're all such a bunch of crazed, illogical skanks on our periods.
Dylan advises that going to Paris is probably in Brenda's best interest: "That's why I went along with it and didn't tell her about the little chat in your office today." Jim shares his appreciation and what a truly delightful conversation about duplicity and the manipulation of a loved one this is! Heartwarming, even!
Dylan continues on his way toward the door, but turns back; I had hoped in order to give Jim a quick kick to the scrotum, but alas, it was only to request of him the following: "In the future, I would appreciate it, regardless of what happens with me and Brenda, or you and Brenda, if you want something from me, you don't have to put a loaded gun to my head. Just ask me."
He peaces out with, "See ya 'round," Jim follows with, "Take care of yourself, son," and don't make me like you, Jim. Not now. Not after everything.
Next day. Beach Club. Two confirmed nitwits stroll the grounds: Brandon, taking his probable 17th break of the day; Steve, wearing something laughable. Brandon, of course, is pulling the whole bitch-and-moan about Brenda going to Paris: "So [she] lies to my parents, throws temper tantrums, runs away to Dylan's house, and what does she get for her punishment? She gets to go spend the summer in Paris. What's wrong with this picture?" Steve dumbly says, “It’s a strange world...and it's getting stranger every day." Strange, as in everything about your hairstyle? Strange like that?
Brandon's what-about-me homily continues: "Maybe I should just go get drunk and crash my car again" - so that you don't get in trouble again? I *believe* you weren't allowed to drive for all of one-quarter of an episode, as I recall, so just want to make certain I'm following you here - "Or better yet, get a coupla hookers and have a little orgy in front of Jim and Cindy" - kind of like the time you fucked within earshot of them? Like in the next room over as they listened? Like that?
Before my Brandon-induced hemiplegic migraine starts up, Steve saves the day by chortling like a doofus and saying, "Just make sure they're not twins." Brandon asks after Rory's far-too-polite takedown of Steve the night before, and Steve spills: "Yeah, I'd say it ranked as one of the top ten most humiliating moments in my life." Really? That's saying a lot, given how you walk around wearing clothes like that each and every day. Steve then wonders why he's lonely, not taking into account every single thing about him, and Brandon promises, "By the end of this summer, we're gonna find you a woman if it's the last thing we do." Is a woman willing to go out with Steve in the room with us right now?
AHHHHNdrea in a not-terrible dress scurries by with a, "Hi, guys!"
Brandon, Emotional Terrorist, hustles after her, and as a poor sap behind them actually does his job - not knowing that he could Pull A Brandon and just walk around with some puff-headed idiot all day instead of actually performing his duties - he tells her, "My parents are having a little bon voyage party for Brenda 'cause she's goin' to Paris for the summer and..."
Instead of fisting him in the upper abdomen as she rightfully should, she lightly taps his stomach and good-naturedly says, "Lucky girl! Say goodbye to her for me, okay?" And then she calls out over Brandon's shoulder...
...to the large bowl of plain oatmeal in human form, her date, Jay Whoeverthefuck, who's like, carrying a folded up newspaper so that we remember that he's some big Newsboy on Campus, even though we've actually forgotten everything about him given that he's the dullest man to ever exist on this Earthly plane and also on all potential astral planes. But he apparently gives passable D? seeing as AHHHHNdrea is willing to toss aside her tenuous friendships and her years-long preoccupation with Brandon to slob all over Jay's most certainly disappointing knob.
Which is absolutely confirmed after they cheek-kiss and hug like...whatever this non-palpable non-chemistry is.
But Brandon is BOTHERED. And that's all that matters. I love it a lot.
Steve appears from the depths of hell behind Brandon and reminds him, "Hard to believe that AHHHHHHNdrea is still going out with Jay Thurman - he's the former editor of The Blaze, ya know?" Stay cunty, Steve. It's a good look on you.
Anyway, Brandon declares that after they find Steve an unsuspecting victim to torment with his deplorable personality girl, they then need to find Brandon an unsuspecting victim to torment with his deplorable personality one, too. Run for your ever-loving lives, ladies.
Fade over to Brenda and Jim (who here is incomprehensibly cosplaying as Steve) walking along the boardwalk. Jim tells her that even though the last few weeks have been rocky (while not acknowledging how his incessant deranged outbursts only made things exponentially WORSE, but WHATEVER), life is too short to be fighting all the time. He then gets real Cats in the Cradle But For Daughters by saying that, "You're gonna be a senior next year. Gonna be goin' to college, you have your whole life ahead of you. It's no fun going through life without the love and support of your parents. Believe me, I know what that feels like." What's Jimbo's trauma? Have we covered this? I'm very sleepy and don't want to go back through my very sad archives. He REEKS of Mommy Issues, so let's go with that.
He goes on to say that, while she's in Paris this summer, he hopes that she'll think about the kind of relationship she wants to have with him and Cindy and Brandon upon her return. She should really just nip it in the bud and pull the plug on her relationship with Jim and Brandon now - lose the dead weight and all that - and also maybe suggest to Jim an inpatient treatment facility where he can come to terms and deal with his very obvious hatred of women.
Regrettably, she doesn't do either of those things; she merely responds with, "Thanks, Daddy," - gag - "Not just for sending me, but for giving me another chance." They hug, it's nice I guess, but Jim can still fuck off forever.
So this bleak little bon voyage party that was apparently held at the Beach Club (?) concludes here in its parking lot, where an shuttle is at the ready to take Brenda and Donna to the airport. The Martins clearly dgaf, seeing as they are nowhere to be found, but perhaps Our Felice, in celebration of their recent reconciliation, is giving Dr. Martin an hj in a vacant cabana nearby. You know how much that bitch simply adores a furtive sexcapade in a short-or-long-term stay establishment. At the van's door, Donna, in an extremely Phoebe Buffay-coded dress, bids adieu to David: "I'll write you every day and I'll call you every Sunday morning...or maybe Sunday night - depends on if the rates change." David chuckles and lies, "Call me anytime, I'll be here, necking with Brandon's future Flavor of the Next Few Months."
Also: Henry has been relegated to unnecessarily holding the van door? The fuck?
Pan over to these two. It miraculously doesn't devolve into Perpetrator Twin (Brandon) on Victimized Twin (Brenda) sexual harassment. He tells her she leads a charmed life; she nods toward Cindy and Jim dweebing out in the background and tells him to, "Take care of them for me, will you?" which kind of sounds like a threat, but only toward Jim and I fully support that.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Brenda: "I can't believe this is really happening." Dylan: "Me, neither. Now I gotta start doin' my own laundry again." Brenda: "I'll miss you, too, Dylan."
"Just, uh...don't fall in love over there, okay?" Oh, that is RICH.
"That goes for you, too." Poor, poor Brenda.
After Brenda hops in the van and sidles into her seat, Donna let's out a, "Oh, god." Brenda asks her if she's sad. Donna: "Huh-uh. Petrified. I hate flying." I really do love this version of Donna.
A synth drum-heavy, slowed-down-but-upbeat version of the theme song plays as we get shots of everyone waving goodbye as the shuttle pulls away: Cindy, Jim, Brandon, and Brandon's fucking Dentyne...
...Steve and Kelly. Steve turns to her and says, "Just think, Kel. You coulda been on that van. I bet Jake's glad you're staying in town."
Dylan arrives and stands beside Kelly, who tells Steve, "I don't know, we might get together sometime." Dylan, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, says, "Oh, Kelly." Swine.
Kelly, immediately shifting into flirt mode: "Hey, I might even get together with you." Dylan, matching her flirt YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND IS RIGHT THERE AND HAS THE ABILITY TO SEE: "Really? I might just hold you to that."
Waves galore.
...Brenda continues to smile and wave...
...which she keeps doing as the camera focuses in on Kelly and Dylan, two skeevy peas in a pod, chatting and walking away together, hopefully into the fiery pits of Hades.
Brenda clocks this with a stark look of concern plastered all over her face as we fade to black, and you guys? I don't know if Extremely Perimenopausal Me can take this. I'm feeling more hormonal now than I did watching this go down the first time as a 12-year-old. So for now, in the wise words of one Mz. Elaine Marie Benes, I'll leave you with this:
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