Last week was a much-needed breath of fresh air. This week is starting off on the completely wrong foot and I really need it to be last week again. Anyway, here's a final product about which I'm not exactly thrilled but I literally couldn't write about this fifteen minutes of television anymore ever again. So...enjoy?
Non-copyrighted slop plays us into a new day at West Bev.
Inside DJ Dave's Funky Fresh DJ booth, David quizzes Donna on SAT prep. After she passes on a question, they have a cute-ish moment wherein David teases her and pretends to be a game show host, telling her that she's won "a trip to study hall! Yay!" Really: it was cute. Or perhaps I forgot to turn off the gas after removing my head from the oven again.
They both gaze out the booth window and spot Brenda and Kelly against a locker bank, seemingly bickering, and Donna observes, "Look, they're at it again."
Out to the hallway we go: Brenda attempts to garner some consolation from Kelly - "Can't you at least be sympathetic to what I'm going through? I mean, you sound disappointed that I wasn't grounded" - but Kelly, who has already hurt Brenda in innumerable ways that she's yet to discover, isn't having it: "All I'm saying is, I'm glad your parents caught you."
Brenda asks her to keep her voice down, but too late: Dylan comes slithering up to stick his sideburns in the mix with, "Nope, too late for that. What'd you do this time, Bren? Because I know I wasn't involved." I gotta say, the scenes with the three of them really skeeve me out on, like, a vascular level. And I know it's only going to get worse and worse and I just don't believe my fragile, perimenopausal emotional state can take it.
Brenda denies that there's anything going on, and Dylan makes it extra-squicky by teasing, "If you don't tell me, Kelly will." Brenda finally cops to Jim and Cindy finding her cigarette pack but lies, "They wouldn't believe they weren't mine." Dylan offers, "Well, Bren, that's because nonsmokers don't usually carry cigarettes." Brenda's bummed that her boyfriend (rightfully) doesn't believe her either, and Kelly throws in an old chestnut from her days of pulling her mother out of puddles of her own sick: "The only thing worse than having an addiction is denying that you have one." And how.
Brenda insists, "I quit, okay. Whether I was ever officially a smoker, I am now a nonsmoker, end of discussion," and then moves along quickly, turning to Dylan: "What I would really like to talk about is what time you're picking me up Saturday morning. We should really get there 20 minutes before the [SAT] starts."
Dylan informs her that he's actually skipping the SATs and visiting Jack at Folsom Prison or wherever instead, and that he'll catch the test the next time around. Brenda reminds him that he'll miss the college app deadlines; he doesn't seem to care; Brenda calls him frustrating; and Kelly feels the need to be the Pick-Me Girl of Dylan's dreams by scolding, "Brenda, it's not written in stone that everybody has to go right to college after they graduate high school." Talk to me a year from now when she's all rah-rah sis boom bah about higher education and sororities and frat guys and shitting on Dylan's lack of interest in anything collegiate. WHATEVER.
Dylan thanks Kelly (genuine)...
...Brenda thanks Kelly (sarcastically), then stalks off...
...leaving these idiots...
...to exchange yet another lusty look and I sure hope David and Donna caught that (they did not).
Brenda enters the DJ booth and says, "I saw you guys watching us." Donna is legitimately concerned and asks, "Did everything work out?" but Brenda's done discussing it and instead asks David, "Did you remember to bring the video scrapbook I asked for?"
He hands her a tape and says, "I hope your friend gets a kick outta it," not knowing that said "friend" is a chain-smoking 31-year-old who should really stop trying to cozy up to people still part of the K-12 set. Donna tosses out one last ditch peacemaking attempt: "You know, I hate seeing you and Kelly fighting all the time."
Brenda snits, "Yeah, well, tell it to Kelly." SHE IS NOT WRONG.
Next we see her walking across a grassy area of school grounds...
...ending up at...the fucking Back Story Mobile?? Parked COMPLETELY CONSPICUOUSLY on school grounds (or at the very least, school grounds-adjacent) like they're on a goddamn Fed stakeout?? WHAT is happening here. Brenda knocks on the door of a legitimate RECREATIONAL VEHICLE...
...and here's Beth, who has really good hair but many questionable life choices. She tells Brenda, "I was hoping it was you!" Of course you were. Because you're a figurative pile of actively on-fire (from your own cigarette that you failed to fully put out) red flags.
Brenda hands her the video scrapbook and a yearbook, which Beth says is "Fantastic. This is gonna be a dynamite segment." Followed by a many years-long lawsuit after you're sued for defamation. Sounds great! Brenda also mentions, "One more thing, before you start, you need to get permission from Mrs. Teasley, our school's fucking Jane of All Trades." Beth agrees to do so but adds, "I think I'm gonna put the piece together, let her see it first and then make up her mind." I'm sure all of that's going to happen and it's going to turn out well for everyone involved.
Brenda's off. But! Not so fast; Beth's eager to do a little more grooming: "I wanted you to go over this stuff with us. At least let me introduce you to my supervising producer who also doesn't mind hanging out with the underage in a creepy giant caravan."
Brenda gives one last look back toward safety, then relents and follows Beth inside to...
...this fucking COMMAND CENTER of a Winnebago. How big is this thing? Why does it somehow seem to have the largest expanse of square-footage I've ever seen? Beth grabs her pack of cigs, takes one out and lights up, offering one to Brenda, who declines. Beth says, "Dan'll be off in a minute."
Supervising Producer Dan, on the phone with Major Tom, turns from fucking MISSION CONTROL and gives them a little wave. Brenda's also taken aback by the WALL of electronics that has punched her in the face: "Wow. You have a real setup here, don't you?"
As Beth continues to smoke - I'll bet it smells delightful in there - she sticks the videotape in a VCR and informs Brenda, "Yeah, Back Story has fifteen mobile units around the country." But...why? Like...truly, whymst??? She claims that they can edit right there in their mobile home unit, and that it gives them "a lot of options." Options for WHAT? A bit of light espionage for the FBI?
Brenda clearly doesn't find any of this worrisome in the slightest and merely adds, "Now I have the back story on Back Story." Yeah, you'll want to remember all of this for when you're called to give your victim testimony, Bren. Beth decides to add contributing to the delinquency of a minor to her charges, whining, "You sure you can't stay and help me?" Seek intensive help, ma'am.
Back at school. Hallway. Andrea and Brandon walk and talk about - you'll NEVER guess - The Blaze. I'll bet Brandon's really regretting that whole let's be co-chiefs business from the previous episode now that this is his life.
They wind up at a door and Andrea queries, "Ya know how we were talking about getting a representative from each grade to be put on The Blaze staff? I think we found our first volunteer in the sophomore class."
She opens the door and tee-dah! It's Nikki! Who turns, smiling brightly, and greets them, "Hi, guys!"
Andrea says, "Brandon, you know Nikki, don't you?" and Brandon is an ingrate pustule and, with an annoyed lilt in his voice, admits, "Yes, we've met. Several times."
After making another rude face in her direction, our gal simply smiles at Andrea. And look: I guess I can't fully blame Brandon for being a bit gun-shy about a girl showing up everywhere he goes, because that tends to involve Peach Pit pop-ins that end with a suspiciously slashed tire; middle-of-the-night unwanted sexual advances; underhandedly commandeered baseball jerseys; poorly-written screeds threatening your friends and community at large; far too many graphic answering machine messages to which your parents and sibling will be forced to listen; potentially drug-laced baked goods; and your family home almost being set ablaze by way of a gasoline-soaked Homecoming float. All of this to say: I can understand the hesitancy.
Back at The Long, Long Trailer.
Inside: displayed on one of MYRIAD TV screens that are housed inside this wünder-bus is Donna from the non-greatest hit Season 1 episode, "Home Again." She's speaking to Brenda via David's camcorder, saying, "I'd even share my clothes with you if it meant that you'd stay."
Watching from a desk are Beth and Brenda. Beth hits pause and decides that insulting Brenda's friends is the way to earn her trust: "She struck me as kind of an airhead." Brenda explains, "No, she's not. In fact, Donna and I were in a French immersion program in Paris this summer and by the end of it, she was speaking...well, she had really, really improved," which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement of Donna's intellect, and prompts Beth to snark, "So she's a partial airhead." Bitch, I'm gonna need you to stop dunking on the intelligence or lack thereof of literal teenagers and find some friends your own age. Also, Brenda...kind of doesn't help anything by spilling some of Donna's beans: "No, Donna has a learning disability. But she's not letting that stop her from taking her SATs. And she's the sweetest person I know."
Next topic: Kelly! Beth pauses on this a shot of her from "Perfect Mom" and asks, "The other blonde...what's she like?"
TURN BACK NOW BRENDA: "When I first met her, I thought she was a typical Beverly Hills snob. Ya know, nose job; Beemer and an attitude. But she's become one of my best friends, and I really admire her. She's totally turned her life around. Before I moved here, she was...shall we say pretty loose" - STOP TALKING - "...she's completely changed. I feel sorry for her, though. A lot of people can't get past her looks and see what a smart and loving and caring person she really is." Poor Brenda: Beth is going to exploit all of this and Kelly doesn't deserve any of the glazing (nor any mention of her sex life; Brenda - and ALL of us in 1992, quite frankly - needed to learn a thing or two about sex positivity, specifically related to women. But as is my wont, I digress).
Beth, whose lungs will appear in future Bodies: The Exhibition showings as the polluted and tar-stained version displayed next to the hale and healthy one, whips out another cigarette and gasses Brenda up some more: "You're really good at this." Being manipulated? Yeah! She is!
And then Brenda bums another cigarette and then it's two dumb bitches sitting in their Chamber of Seedy Syndicated Tabloid Television On Wheels telling each other "exactlyyyyyy" and stewing in their advancing black lung and early onset emphysema.
Back inside WB. Steve, wearing for the first time in his life a non-silken monstrosity on his torso....
...happens upon Mrs. T, who gives him A Look, then beckons him toward her with a wriggle of her finger.
He gives an overly-sunny smile and slinks over to her. I gotta say: these two have good acting chemistry together. He asks, "Mrs. T, how ya be?"
Mrs. T reveals that in addition to the many, many other hats she wears in her role as VP of West Bev, she's also a parking attendant: "I'd be fine if a certain senior didn't park his car in the faculty parking lot...next time, I tow it." Tow it NOW. No one needs that embarrassment of a license plate mucking up school grounds.
Just then, smarm personified, BJ, approaches, greeting Mrs. T and embracing her as she asks, "To what do we owe this honor?" This just tells me that Mrs. T is as gullible as Brenda. Suds is by BJ's side and implores Mrs. T, "Please, don't treat him like royalty. It goes straight to his head." But Mrs. T continues with the praise: "Well, you don't make Dean's List and Boys' Honor Society three terms in a row unless your feet are planted on the ground." This guy has Burgeoning Date Rapist written all over him, but go off, I guess, Mrs. T.
BJ, oily, plays humble with, "Or unless you're just lucky" - then, looking at Steve - "How ya doin', Steve?" I gotta say, he looks less-37-ish here. Maybe the Peach Pit lighting is aging.
Steve replies, "Well, not as good as you, I guess," and looks frightened some more and Synth Gong? plays in the key of scary and sure, why not.
Well, this escalated: we cut to Brenda sitting in a director's chair, being interviewed and giving a bizarre monologue of sorts: "And so, America, you might think that the kids that live in Beverly Hills must be some alien life form. But if you stop and look at somebody like me, for example" and before she finishes...
...we get a shot of Goatee behind a camera, filming, and Beth seated in a second director's chair next to him, pack of cigarettes within reach, natch...
...and then back to Brenda and her soliloquy: "I have two parents who've been married to each other for almost 20 years." Beth interjects here, "That isn't typical, is it?" and Brenda playfully sasses back, "I'm from Minnesota, remember?" Her outfit and hair are amazing? At least she's got that going for her in the midst of this VERY OBVIOUS mess.
Beth chuckles, calls, "Cut," then reaches for another cigarette - her apartment must smell like death - before assuring Brenda, "That was better than I ever could've hoped for." You're laying it on a little thick, Elizabeth.
Brenda digs in her bag for her watch and surprise! She can't believe she just blew off school for something so fucking stupid and simultaneously concerning. Beth busies herself with her true best friend - that sweet Carolina Smoke - and offers a half-assed apology because now that she's gotten the goods from the easily-exploitable Brenda, she really doesn't give a fuck.
Brenda asks if Beth might have a spare toothbrush lying around...
...but since Beth brushes her teeth with a cigarette, Brenda's plumb out of luck.
McKraftsman.
Dylan, tank-topped to the HEAVENS, strides toward someone knocking at door.
It's Brenda, come to tarnish Dylan's home with stale cigarette smoke emanating from her hair, clothes and mouth.
They begin kissing...
...and between "Castles in the Sand" and this episode, Dylan has apparently gained the ability to smell AND taste since he's now able to tell that Brenda's been sucking down smokes all afternoon in an enclosed space; he pulls away from her and says, "Babe, I can tell you brushed your teeth but you still reek of cigarette smoke."
Brenda insists that the only reason for her stench is that she was in a confined space with smokers.
Dylan, however, doesn't buy it: "Bren, I have never had a long-term relationship with a smoker. I don't intend to start now." Maybe because you're SEVENTEEN. I get that the show wants us to believe that you're Wizened & Worldly and a Citizen of the Seven Seas Who's Bedded Ladies Far and Wide, but I repeat: you're SEVENTEEN. You've never had a long-term anything.
Anyway, then she makes a deal with him: she'll quit smoking if he'll think about taking the SATs that weekend. He tentatively agrees, there's more tonguing, he wants her out of her smoky clothes...
...and as she begins to drag him toward the bedroom she purrs, "You just wanna see me slip into something more comfortable." This is in no way, shape, or form how I talked to or acted around my boyfriend when I was this age.
The next whatever.
Inside Blaze HQ, Brandon sits, editing Nikki's piece as she stands over him in anticipation. He begins marking it up and she's all, "Yeah, that part's no good anyway. It's really overwritten," and he says, "That's the part I liked." This kind, sweet girl is apparently getting on his nerves, so he blows her off onto Andrea, who sits at a nearby desk and can hear everything that's going down: "I'm not giving this the full attention is deserves right now. Maybe we should give this to Andrea and see what she has to say."
Andrea rolls her eyes which, as mentioned many a time here in this space, is really the only response to anything involving Brandon. Nikki hands her work to Andrea, nicely bids adieu to them both, then exits.
This idiot exasperatedly puts his head in his hands...
...and Andrea, the miraculous Voice of Reason here (miraculous because she's not seeeeeeething with jealousy over Brandon and another girl's existence), throws in her two cents: "Ya know, it won't work, Brandon. Although what you have against her, I don't quite understand. I mean, she's smart, adorable."
Brandon gets aggro, as is his way, and melts down, "All right, enough already! If you like her that much, why don't you take her out?" God, go masturbate or something.
Andrea ignores the outburst and advises the dweeb, "If it's that bad, can I give you a word of advice? Nip it in the bud. It's no fun pining over someone who's not interested." AND SHE WOULD KNOW.
Next up: Brenda approaches the Back Story Class-A Motorhome which has apparently setup permanent camp on-or-around the West Bev grounds. Where's Mrs. T and her Wildcat Campus Police (you know she's the goddamn constable of that force) when you need them to shoo away predatory news orgs infiltrating the student body?
After she knocks, Beth opens the door, and begins conveying some evident shiftiness toward her: "We're still piecing the segment together. I'd invite you in but..."
Brenda doesn't really feel like hot-boxing herself for a second day in a row, and says that she just came for the video scrapbook. Beth's probably already sold it on the black market for come cigarette money, but she'll go check to make sure.
Entering the largest room in the largest vehicle in the history of the automotive industry somehow, Beth tells Dan, either editing or jerking off in front of his bay of screens, "Brenda Walsh is here. What am I supposed to tell her?"
In response, Dan slimes, "Tell her it's not gonna fly...unless you can come up with a better hook. Where's the heat? Where's the ooh?" Why are you talking about literal children and their missing "ooh," you fucking degenerate? She barely pushes back, telling him that that's not what she pitched to her new bestie, and that she promised, "I wasn't gonna exploit these kids."
Dan, morally bankrupt trash, tells her, "I hope you didn't put it in writing...either you're gonna do it, or I am," I guess referring to the above-mentioned exploitation of minors or whatever. I've known Dan for all of about 45 seconds and I hate him so much.
Beth looks dejected and as Tingy Synth starts up, she grabs the tape and yearbook.
At the door, she smiles grimly and hands Brenda her belongings with a, "Here you go. Thanks for all of your help."
Brenda, a true rube, smiles brightly, proclaims, "I can't wait to see it!" says goodbye and flounces off in a rose-tinged cloud of naivete...
...and doesn't pick up at all on Beth's despondent little, "Bye," as she goes. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Beth will deal with all of this stress by eating a carton of Marlboro Reds, then washing those down with a pack of minty KOOL Super Longs, just to take the edge off.
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