Unsure why this one took me so long. Other than being mentally and creatively paralyzed because of every single thing happening in this country, I guess.
Back at it.
Inside Blaze Central Command, Brandon and Andrea sit on a table before...
...Mrs. T and her SHOULDER PADS from the set of Big Business, come to caution the Editor-and-Editrix-in-Chief about Back Story darkening the doorway of West Bev: "We had to escort a cameraman off the premises and they have a Winnebago parked on Alcott Drive." Okay, so not on school grounds, but just, like, parked on a patch of grass? Because that's for sure trespassing of some kind, no? To whom does that patch of grass belong? TO WHOMMMMM?
A pre-melting down Brandon nervously asks, "So no one asked for permission?" obviously harkening back to his earlier episode advice to Brenda and the fact that he absolutely knows she absolutely didn't heed it.
And Mrs. T is more than happy to confirm his fears: "No, they did not, probably because they knew we wouldn't give it to them. So, please, put an announcement in the paper that we don't want any students cooperating with these people." Or...you could maybe...make an announcement over the PA, like, immediately? Have DJ Jazzy Dave do it. And how often does The Blaze come out - bi-daily? With The Zuck at its helm, I wouldn't be surprised.
After they assure her that they can squeeze the warning into the next issue and Mrs. T takes her leave, Scary Synth begins and Andrea proclaims, "Ohh, I hate tabloid journalists. They are the sleaziest," undoubtedly thinking back to her gritty, hard-hitting undercover piece about the sordid underbelly of *checks notes* school cafeteria cuisine, which set the high-brow journalistic standards The Blaze prides itself on each and every day. She turns and notices Brandon's semi-stricken face and asks what's up. He's all, "I gotta go talk to Brenda," and bounces.
Cut to him, bounding down a staircase, approaching Steve and Nikki? for some reason? looking at a book she has open. She's sort of gesturing toward the page which tells me that she's in the middle of a Very Special Episode wherein she teaches this troglodyte how to read. Brandon asks if Steve's seen Brenda, Steve says no, and then Brandon bounds off again...
...leading Nikki to inquire of Steve, "I hope everything's okay; do you think he works too hard?" Great line reading, that.
Inside an art class. Kelly and Donna wear over-sized button downs as smocks and Donna holds a fresh tube of paint up and admires, "I love new art supplies. They're so clean." It's cute, and also exactly how I feel when I get new makeup.
Brandon enters: "You guys seen Brenda?" Kelly, a true coont, snarls, "Haven't had the pleasure," and then skulks off, hopefully into the unwelcoming arms of someone's fist. I will continue to ask this until I'm carted off to the asylum, but WHAT IN ALL THE FUCKS does Kelly have to be mad at Brenda about? For anything, at all, ever, ever, ever again????? SIGHHHHHHH. I'll get over it someday, I promise (no, I absolutely will not).
Brandon clearly catches on that Kelly is being a total cooze and asks Donna about it, who informs him, "Uh...Brenda and Kelly haven't been getting along so well lately, because Kelly is obviously having some kind of psychological break over her dalliance with Dylan and perfidy of Brenda and something something projection something seek help blah blah blah."
Outside, Brandon ascends a staircase...
...to meet - uchhh - this one and his terrible betrayal and dreamy sideburns and I just don't know how to feel anymore, you guys. By way of greeting, he asks, "Where's your sister, man?"
Brandon was just about to ask Dylan the same, and Dylan lets Brandon know that he's on his way to Santa Maria to see his convict father in prison, and also, "There was a girl asking me about you. Her name is Nikki Witt? She wanted to know if you had any hobbies or anything, so I told her how much you like to knit." Oh, you! He then tells Brandon to tell Brenda that he'll be back on Sunday.
And then like any good Walsh worth their salt, Brandon ever-so-lightly harps on Dylan about taking the SATs and how it's good to keep your options open when it comes to college...
...and Dylan's all, "Mmmhmm, same could be said for you," referring, completely unrelatedly, to Nikki, I guess?...
...and as he continues down the staircase he adds, "Tell Nikki I said hi." They're lucky that Luke Perry had IT and was so goddamn charming, because it's hard to hate Dylan McKay even after the character assassination attempt by the writers over the last several episodes.
Outside the House of Walsh. The telephone rings. GUESS WHO PICKS IT UP YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO:
Except that you will.
On the other end is Brandon, calling from a payphone at school. He asks after his sister: "Was Brenda expecting me to give her a ride home from school today? Because I have some things I have to do." Jason Priestley's oddly formal line delivery here has always made me laugh.
Cindy, excited to be doing what she does best - yapping into the business end of a taupe-and-ecru-colored wall-hung landline - informs him, "No, she was gonna study in the library all day because the SATs are tomorrow." Brandon thanks her and ends the call and I hope after hanging up Cindy started a little mid-afternoon day-drinking because she deserves some excitement in her life, too.
Back here, Brandon spins around from the payphone to find Nikki, who nicely asks, "Is everything all right?"
Enter Peak Prick: "Yes, yes, everything is all right, thank you very much. And everything will remain fine whether you're hanging out here asking me about it, hangin' around the newsroom, droppin' by the Peach Pit, or whatever it is you happen to be doing, everything will be just fine."
How dare he do this to our girl. Poor Nikki.
The bar is in the deepest crevices of the underworld, but to his credit, he immediately regrets his behavior (as he should) and softens: "Look, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I have nothing against you personally, I don't. It's...I've had a lot on my mind lately. No, wait, that's not even it...look." What a boob.
She maintains her cry-face with a just a dash of revulsion thrown in for good measure.
He, meanwhile, continues digging himself deeper: "It just wouldn't work with you, that's all. We're completely different people. The odds are stacked against us, if you know what I'm sayin'. It's just the way I feel, I'm sorry."
Wacky Tuba Synth starts up, which segues into Wacky Keyboard Synth, and Nikki finally gets a word in edgewise: "I think I've missed a vital part of this conversation. Can we go back? All I said was 'is everything okay?' and you told me that it was and I'm happy to hear it." She should've followed this up by spitting in his mouth and a palm strike to the jugular, but she's made her point.
As she begins to leave his ass in the rear view, he pulls out one of his non-greatest hits - grabbing a woman by the upper arm - and attempts to explain away his vile outburst: "I've just been a little distracted." Nikki, still in the throes of repulsion, tells him, "Bye, Brandon," which is really the only thing anyone should ever say to Brandon.
He turns and watches her go and that was a great scene between these two. Priestley did well with Brandon's ever-increasing desperation and bumbling nonsense and Dana Barron portrayed Nikki's hurt and then utter disgust really well, and at least there was some levity at the end there thanks to Wacky Tuba. Bravo/a, respectively.
To the BHL.
I assume Brandon's got a raging erection about his second potential library throw-down in as many weeks as he enters and spots...
...Brenda at a table with books and paper spread out before her.
Brandon approaches and the conversation boils down to: Did you get permission from Mrs. T for the Back Story story? The show is going to deal with that now go away before the smell of thousands of volumes of borrowed books inexplicably sparks your rage and you start foaming at the mouth. Scene.
Pit.
Inside the changing / locker / break? room? Steve leans up against a wall and I guess it's his turn to watch Brandon get undressed. Brandon gripes about his day, having to track down Brenda, and her not even caring about his concerns once he found her.
Steve looks deep in thought, which for him, is about the depth of a puddle. He advises, "Ah, Brenda can take care of herself."
Enter Nat, who's constantly having to force Brandon to get the fuck to work.
This pea-brain then thinks it's a great idea to tell Brandon about the legacy key claptrap: "What would you do if someone wanted to make your life a little easier, at least in the academic department? Because someone offered to give me the master key to the school."
Rather than laughing in this doof's face, Brandon dubiously asks, "What do you mean the master key BECAUSE THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT A FUCKING THING?"
Steve gives him the absurd, "It opens up every office, every filing cabinet, every grade bank" line, and first of all, no it doesn't. Second of all, shut up forever, Steve. But he's not done and continues, "There's a window of opportunity that's available to me. Or us, if you're into it."
Brandon smirks and says, "Well, I guess things have come full circle. We became friends in Mr. Danzel's history class when you were only interested in studying for tests you already knew the questions to and I was only interested in berating the elderly in a public space, this time not a library, surprisingly." Seriously, though, that episode was an all-timer for Brandon: he both screamed down an old, widowed man and his friend Andrea, each in public venues. A historic twofer. Whatever, he goes on to parentally lecture Steve about doing things the right way and being able to sleep at night and assuring this dolt that he'll get into USC.
In the end (not really, because unfortunately, this story line has legs and we'll be dealing with it and its fallout, as I recall, for a chunk of this season), Steve frowns in a jovial way, tells Brandon, "You always bring out the Boy Scout in me, Walsh," and then the two of them head out so that Brandon can once again stand around and not do his job.
HERE WE GO. HoW.
Brenda enters in an all-time best look. This outfit is everything I've ever wanted in life and more.
Living room. Jim and Cindy sit side-by-side on the couch and upon seeing Brenda, Jim says, "Well, speak of the devil."
As Brenda joins them, Cindy says, "We were just watching the news when they started promoting a segment on Back Story on growing up in Beverly Hills." Brenda, slightly caught off-guard: "They're running it? What did they say?"
Jim, not yet fully understanding the situation, chuckles and tells her, "'Rich and spoiled in Beverly Hills. The Back Story on the teenage inhabitants of the most glamorous city on Earth.'"
Ruh-roh. Which is basically the face Brenda gives the TV as she asks, "'Rich and spoiled'?"
Onscreen, we get this Low Budge Robin Leach type, playing the role of host of this trashtastic show. He narrates, "When you think of Beverly Hills, you think of swimming pools, movie stars, the lifestyles of the rich and richer."
They flash a bunch of proverbial "Beverly Hills" stuff on the screen: one of the famous street signs...
...Rodeo Drive...
...mansions...
...etc.
Then a shot of the school as he tells the audience, "The pride of it is West Beverly Hills High School. Where the princes and princesses go to school in their Porsches and convertibles, their designer clothes and their all-American smiles."
Brenda, gulping. Oh, dear.
A shot from "Ashes to Ashes" and Kelly exiting her Beemer...
...followed by Donna on the passenger side...
...then Steve exiting his embarrassment of a license plate with a Corvette attached.
Cindy: "Look, there's Kelly! And Donna! And Steve!" Once again, thanks for coming out, Cin.
Brenda's face is GOING THROUGH IT.
Robin Leach Lite continues: "But at Back Story, we found that these children of privilege have nothing to be smiling about, for it's a sad fact that all the money in the world can't compensate for the breakdown of family values that we found in our visit to this mecca."
Brenda sits perfectly still, with a face conveying that her stomach just fell out of her asshole onto the floor as Jim exclaims, "Brenda, that's you!" Nothin' gets past the Parents' Walsh!
Onscreen is Brenda from Part 2, sitting in the director's chair. She gives her spiel that we've already heard: "I have two parents who have been married to each other for almost 20 years."
Cut to Leach the Lesser in a director's chair, making it seem as if he was the one to interview Brenda. He repeats Beth's follow up - "That's not typical here, though, is it?" - and then we hear Brenda respond with, "I'm from Minnesota, remember?"
Jim, now sounding a bit concerned, asks his daughter, "When did you do this?"
Brenda, halfway collapsing now, says, "I didn't say it that way, I never even talked to that guy."
More Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Voiceover: "In Beverly Hills, you find the tragedy of dysfunctional families in the extreme." As he speaks, onscreen is a shot of The Gang mugging for David's camcorder during "The Next Fifty Years." A better story idea for this low-classy show? Maybe a segment on gun control and the fact that a student from this very school blew his solar plexus to smithereens not even a year earlier? Just a suggestion, as opposed to what they've gone with: ragging on a bunch of LITERAL CHILDREN and their grim upbringings of which they had ZERO control.
This sort of spotlight lands on Steve, and Lowdown Leach's narration continues, "There are the showbiz kids, whose parents are so consumed by their own failing careers at the expense of their children's emotional instability." I mean...I'll give this to them: where's the lie?
The spotlight and narration then focuses on Donna: "This girl has a severe learning disability. Her parents' solution? Send her to Paris on a whirlwind shopping spree."
As this sort of Piercing Synth Hacksaw (?) starts up, Brenda, now openly weeping, declares, "That is so twisted, I can't even watch this."
But! There's more! This time it's Kelly's turn: "And then there's the girl with the reputation. This girl found at an early age that in Beverly Hills, pretty young girls do exactly what they can for what they want." Jfc. Time to initiate several lawsuits.
Brenda says inconsolably, "I'm ruined."
Jim tries to help in only the way a dad can, i.e. not really helping at all, and poses, "Maybe no one's watching it."
But WHOOPSIE POOPSIE, unfortunately, that's not the case! At the Peach Pit, Lowfat Leach is playing on the TV and continuing to drag Kelly to filth: "With an absentee father and a no-limit credit card, and a mother who's battled the demons of drugs and alcohol, most of her adult life, it's no wonder that this blonde vixen has no moral foundation and a jaded, world-weary attitude."
Nat, Brandon POLISHING HIS SPATULA I SHIT YOU NOT and Steve watch in horror.
Then we're immediately in the Office Building, where Kelly, too, is watching. At least she looks incredible? And while she didn't deserve ANY of this to be broadcast on television, the "no moral foundation" is kind of...true? I mean?
Shot of Donna, looking taken aback.
Shot of David doing his best to go, girl, give us nothing, as he sits and conveys zero emotion.
Wide shot of the three of them in stunned silence. Kelly grabs the remote and turns the television off.
Back here. Brenda's on the cordless, desperate to reach Kelly, but her line is busy. She asks, "Dad, can't we sue them?"
Jim mulls, "I don't know. I mean, maybe we should look into it," and YES YES YOU SHOULD. Cindy decides to also not be helpful in the slightest and adds, "Honey, I'm sure you friends will understand when you tell them that those people just distorted everything you said."
Brenda admits that she shouldn't have said anything in the first place and that she needs to take a walk so that she can power-smoke a pack of cigarettes down to the nubbins.
She's walking down a darkened street, fingering the pack of Not Marlboros...
...and then Derek Zoolander drives by and spots her, like, Handsome Squidward's got nothin' on JPriest...
...and he pulls into the driveway apron in front of her. He figures that she saw the Back Story segment - she confirms - and tells her to hop in for a ride home. She, however, wants to keep walking alone, but he calls her out about her not-so-discreet desire to chain smoke her weight in tobacco.
She sadly confides, "They made it seem like I said all those terrible things. Nobody's ever gonna talk to me again. I really need a cigarette."
Brandon, a true Problem Solver here in Part 3, puts his hand over hers and sages, "It seems to me if you can get through this without havin' a cigarette, you can probably get through anything." At least Wizened Brandon is better than Smugly Douche Brandon, which is his factory default setting.
She reconsiders, looks longingly at the pack one last time, then dumps it in the trash can behind her. It's just that easy, folks.
Kitchen of Walsh. Brandon's taking pints of ice cream out of the freezer and asks, "You want chocolate sauce on this?"
Brenda, pursuing her mother's favorite pastime in an effort to cheer herself up, tells him, "No, three scoops, straight up." Kelly's line is still busy and Donna isn't answering and as Brenda tries and tries again to reach them, she growls, "I wish I could get a hold of Beth Nielsen. Break down some of her stereotypes. Of course, she's not even listed." Shannen Doherty's hair is so, so pretty.
Finally, the line rings: "Yeah, David, hi...is Kelly there?"
Cut back to here, where David utters a line that I've wanted to use at some point for the last 33 years: "Yeah, but she doesn't wanna talk to you. And frankly, neither do I.” Meee-owwww. And also: in what scenario would it be appropriate for me to use that? Thoughts?
Kelly responds by snurffling into a tissue. I know I can't bring up her betrayal of Brenda at every turn, but I'm going to bring up her betrayal of Brenda at every turn: while I feel horribly for her here, and Brenda never should've handed out intel about her friends without their consent, no matter her intentions, Kelly can suck an egg.
Sad Piano begins as Brenda hangs up the receiver, turns around and looks at Brandon...
...who gives her possibly the furrowiest of furrowed brows ever in response. Beth's a spineless idiot but I hope degenerate Supervising Producer Dan and his pervert spaceship launchpad take the ultimate fall for this mess.
No comments:
Post a Comment