Season 1; Ep. 8 - Seventeen Year Itch: This Entire Episode Gives Me The Willies.

In which Cindy totally fucks another dude. Unfortunately, it's only in her mind. Let's do this thing. 

We open with...this. Cindy's hideous engagement ring and wedding band. They are...not good. Which is fitting for Our Cindy. 

She takes them off and drops them in some equally hideous dish that one of the twins probably made her in 7^th grade. I think this is supposed to be symbolism.  

She makes this face, which is that of a sex-starved, unfulfilled housewife if there ever was one.

Jim "Jay Sherman" Walsh, looking the same as always, is basically telling Cindy, in her Jacqueline Smith Collection For Kmart robe, that she should shut the fuck up and thank her lucky stars that they got into some trendoid restaurant that night for their 17^th wedding anniversary.  

Cindy longingly caresses the frame of her wedding photo, taken when Jim maybe didn't suck so much and had hair. And also when she looked relatively stylish and pretty. GROW OUT THE PERM, CINDY. GROW IT OUT NOW.

Cindy's all “I want to get laid, Jim. I’ve put on my finest Jaclyn Smith peignoir in celebration of our anniversary and now I want you to jackhammer me into tomorrow.”

Jim, who is as lame and sucky as his son, cheese-dicks a line about taking a “personal exemption” and puts his sweet, sweet moves on Cindy, expecting her to produce some panty pudding with just a little over-the-bedspread action…

Shockingly, Jim’s “moves” do not work on her. She needs a little intimacy. And maybe doesn't want to get a glimpse of Jim's repulsive Back Of Fur.

And because Jim is a gigantic, selfish asshole, and Cindy won't like, lick his balls or some shit, he takes his leave of the room to go do accountant-type things. And by "to go do accountant-type things" I of course mean “to rub a balloon on his chest hair.”

Looks like Cindy's going to have to polish herself off AGAIN tonight. WAY TO GO, JAY SHERMAN. 

The next morning, Brandon is a douche. And Brenda looks...good? She's on her way, at least. That blazer would be a lot better sans the kind of-westerny yoke-thing, but her hair is beginning its transformation into FUCKING GREATNESS. ANYway, they're talking about grapefruits and gardening sections and OHMYGOD, I wish an episode about adultery was a whole lot more interesting. I know I've hyped this one up for a while, but it's really quite lame. Maybe if Jim, Cindy, and Creepy Glen were better looking. And better-coiffed. And better dressed.  

So I guess the Dwayne Wayne-looking DJ we haven't seen since the first episode is stepping down from his post...? WHY? I don't know. Also: NO ONE FUCKING CARES. David wants to be DJ (and as we all know, he unfortunately gets the job) and Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon urges him to tryout. They are both cretins in horrible shirts, so lets move on. 

Oh, but first: Steve is 41 and comes up to inform David that he will be trying out to be the next DJ at West Bev. AND NO ONE CARES. NOT BACK THEN. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. Also: nice v-neck sweat...shirt? Steve, you fucking dingleberry. 

So then Mrs. Westminster Kennel Club Poodle Perm wants Brenda and Brandon to participate in some twin study for her friend at “the university” because apparently there's only one in LA. I live in LA and I know this for a fact.  

Brenda is adorable and psyched about it, and Brandon is...a diarrhea face. And he starts talking about not wanting to be a guinea pig, but then Mrs. Bad Hair informs him that they will be paid and get time off from school so he changes his mind because Brandon has no moral fiber to speak of. Also: He Hates Black People.  

So then Cindy and Margarita, who still hasn't been deported and who's pretty much fluent now, are at the nursery and talking about plants. WOW. This is so fucking boring.  

But then this clown is all stalking them in the bushes and taking pictures of Cindy and basically being a complete perv.

Cindy, in whatever that is (a housecoat?) tells Margarita, in her uniform from like, King Taco, that there are “lots of locos around here." Cindy is so cultural, you guys. Check how she's suggestively holding that phallic cactus, though.

But oh! Hey, look! It's just Creepy Glen, Cindy's college sweetheart, in his Indiana Jones vest, looking like a goddamn tourist with his fucking stupid camera and like, nylon lunch bag slung over his shoulder. Shut up, Glen.  

So Cindy introduces Margarita as her “assistant” (?)...who apparently does all the heavy-lifting. And then because Cindy's an asshole and has zero social graces and doesn't include her in her oh-so-tedious conversation with Glen, Margarita makes herself scarce...

...so that these two nitwits can reminisce and awkwardly flirt and be just The Worst with each other. Turns out Famous National Geographic Photographer Model-Dater Glen has a friend who owns the nursery and he was taking catalog pictures for him. Wow. Sounds dangerous. Douche.  

So Cindy invites Glen over for dinner, where he regales them all with stories of Tiananmen Square and blah blah egotistical prick blah. Of course, Brandon's impressed. Because Brandon is just as awful as Glen.

Cindy, in her grown-out Ogilvie Home Perm is impressed as well. She's thinking of letting Glen's Tiananmen into her Square later. And no, I don't know what that means. 

HONESTLY, THIS IS SO GODDAMN BORING. Glen tells the kids that he's the one who introduced their parents, while he and Jim were working on the literary magazine at the University of Minnesota. And then he says, “Biggest mistake of my life.” Like, while I loathe Jim with a passion, right about then should've been the time that he stood up and cold-cocked Creepy Glen in his creepy, leering Glen-face.  

Instead, he goes over and shakes the asshole's hand, essentially giving Cindy the go-ahead to ride Glen's dick later in the evening. Also: Glen is dressed like a hacky 1980s comedian.

So Brenda, in Brandon's stupid green shirt from the “Higher Education” episode, and Brandon in...that, follow Jim's lead and head to bed, and they argue about the twin study the next day, and Cindy in a totally not-gross, not-inappropriate way says something about THE SIBLINGS being like “an old married couple.” WHAT???

AND THEN THIS SMIRKING PILE OF SHIT TOPS Cindy in fucking grossness by saying, “Twins: double the pleasure...a photographers dream.” WHATWHATWHAT??? WHO...I...GAH. THOUGHTS. So, even though he just made some weird, lecherous comment, Cindy is going to ALLOW this fucking predator to photograph her children. Probably naked. Because Cindy is apparently fucking stupid and blinded by the prospect of Glen's dick plowing her.

So Brandon wants Glen's life (OF COURSE HE DOES) and Brenda thinks he was flirting with their mother. Brandon disagrees, since he knows what his mom's hair and clothing look like.

And then Poor Jay Sherman and his cockatoo hair discover that, GASP, Cindy hasn't been to bed yet.  

So he goes downstairs in his formal sleepwear and sees Cindy and Glen 69ing on the coffee table.

Not really. They are sitting WAY too inappropriately close for “just friends,” however. Like, BACK OFF, GLEN. And then he steals the title of Biggest Douche away from Brandon and tells Cindy this: “I'm going to show you my LA.” OH SERIOUSLY. SHUT THE FUCK UP, GLEN.

Jim and his Concerned Jim Face totes agree with me.  

So the next day, these two head to the twin study at “the university," and argue about grapefruits and gardening sections some more and Brenda's wearing THAT. I think the shirt is depicting some kind of fox hunt. I...THOUGHTSTHOUGHTSTHOUGHTS. I will begrudgingly say that Brandon doesn't look so bad.

Never mind. I lied. 

So they meet-up with...these guys. Who have the Double Steve SAUNders Special going on with similar curly mullets and their shirts buttoned up to Jesus. Steve SAUNders: What A Trendsetter.

BARF. So then Glen is showing “HIS” L.A. to Cindy, in his Not-Dylan car. And says something like, “You've got to see L.A. in a convertible; otherwise you'll miss it.” WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY? Um, Glen? I think they're called “windows," you imbecile.  

Hey, look! IT'S GLEN'S L.A.! I better remember that for when I go out and explore the city. 

Cindy just laughs and laughs and laughs. Because she can't believe she's actually falling for this bag of shit. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I hope that kid and his dog know that they're in Glen's L.A.!

So then they're back at Glen's lair, where he plans on taking advantage of Cindy's kids later that week. NICE TIE, PAULA POUNDSTONE.

Cindy and her Cheatin' Shawl are ready to fuck.

So this smirk face tells Cindy that her and Jay Sherman are like night and day, and invites her to some art party. She says something like “We'd love to come,” and Glen gets all sad-sack and disappointed like GET YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY, GUY. Jim may suck on a variety of levels, but GOD. GLEN IS THE WORST.  

Back at the twin study. NO ONE WILL EVER, EVER CARE. But look who it is! Harriet “Actually, Mrs. Teasley” Strathmore! She gives both sets of twins some tests, and the Steve SAUNders clones do great, and Brenda and Brandon suck, because Brandon sucks at life.  

GOD. These two go out to the canal behind Glen's Swingin' Bachelor Condo (also: Glen's L.A. is essentially Venice Beach, right? Right.) and he's all, “Do you ever play what if?” and, “I was pretty conceited back then,” and, “Must be nice having people waiting for you,” and I fucking can't with this guy.  

Later that night, Jim, in his Casual Sleepwear, listens as Cindy talks up Glen and all the awards he's won and blah blah fuck him already blah.

Jim and his bad hair try to AGAIN put the moves on Cindy, but she and her Face Mask Of Adultery are having none of it. Smell ya later, Jay Sherman.

This is still happening. David starts rapping about being the new school DJ. WHATEVER. And he says “word” at the end, like, “werrrrrrd." WHATEVER X 1 MILLION INFINITIES. Also: I believe THIS was the exact moment Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon decided to "accidentally" off himself. I mean, wouldn't you?  

All of these people also decide at this moment that they're going to off themselves. Because obviously.

So Kelly, in a jacket she probably stole from Jackie's closet while she's in rehab, and Brenda with okay hair and a collared sweater-shirt thing under a blazer, discuss the Art Party, whatever the fuck that is. Kelly wants to go. And because she's boy crazy and a no-good slut (I guess) she says, “So this guy is gorgeous, right?” about Glen. Why she would assume that, I haven't the slightest idea. I mean, FUCK NO, he's not. But does she think just because he's a photographer, he's automatically hot? Oh, Kelly. You dirty tramp. ANYway, Brenda says “Yes [puke]. I wish he'd flirt with me instead of my mom.” Well, he'll probably be trying to get your shirt off when he takes you and Brandon's pictures. Double the pleasure indeed, Glen, you fucking degenerate.

Cindy's attempting to choose between two hideous outfits for the Art Party. The one she's wearing is very Sister Wives, and the one she's holding is very Hippie Dippy High School Art Teacher. Brenda looks cute and normal in a plain black dress.  

So this dingus, who's apparently trying to dress like Glen now, comes in and calls Brenda “Ms. Figure It Out." SHUT THE FUCK UP, BRANDON.  

So then soon-to-be cuckold Jim calls from the office with a mouth full of French fries and tells Cindy he can't make it to the art party because WORKWORKWORK. Whatever.  

Cindy seriously could not care less. She's totes ready to let Glen see her L.A. And by “her L.A.” I of course mean “her vagina."

Art Party. HEAVEN HELP ME, I actually like what Kelly's wearing. For reals. I...don't know why. I just think it's kind of funky and you're going to chase me with pitchforks now, aren't you? I will say that her hair is ass, Brenda still looks cute, and Donna is going for Material Girl Prostitute. And succeeding. Brandon in the back there? WHO CARES. ANYway, Kelly says something like, “Glen is the coolest,” and this was the exact moment when I decided to shoot myself and bleed out all over Scott's mom's Persian rug, like, SHUT UP, KELLY. YOU'RE GROSS.

Brenda's all “Too cool for my mom.” Which is accurate. However, THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS COOLER THAN BOTH OF THEM. And in Glen's case, WAY less creepy.  

And Brandon, trying to be all Casual Don Johnson or some shit says, “you're right. Mom doesn't fit in here.” Hey, Brandon. YOU DON'T FIT IN ANYWHERE. EVER. BECAUSE YOU ARE AWFUL.  

And then this fucking disaster chimes in with some genius sentiment of “Sticking out here is fitting in.” Well, then, Reject. YOU ARE FITTING IN PERFECTLY. 

Cindy, with another Cheatin' Shawl flung around her arms. You can't see it here, but she's got a banana clip in her hair. BANANA CLIP.  

So then Brando does a Brando impression (see what I did there?) and somehow manages not to be slugged repeatedly after making this face. He and Brenda argue over the meaning of some photograph. WHEN WILL THIS END???

So then the fucking creeper comes over and glad-hands Brandon and Brenda, telling them that they'll be up on the wall soon enough. Child pornography is illegal, fucking molester. Per this picture, Brenda is starting to pick up on Glen's overt grossness.  

KILL ME NOW. Glen goes up to Cindy and asks “Join me for a breath of fresh smog?” Because he is so, so clever you guys. Nothing like some good old fashioned L.A. humor...from 1987. At least he dressed the part.

So then these idiots go outside, and Cindy's all flirting and telling Glen that he's the most modest conceited man she's ever met and it's really eye-rolly and sickening. And then he continues on with his “Oh, it's all a facade, I'm really not happy, all I really want is some middle-aged divorcee frump who's saddled with two kids to call my own” schtick. And then Glen is TOTALLY coming on to her, and she's talking about a ring through her nose and bells in her toes, and then...

...I begin the process of gouging my eyes out with a rusty can opener...

...aaaand, there. I'm blind. 

Back at the house, Cindy's all moony and listening to lame music and pretending she's Jasmine from Aladdin or some shit.

Kelly and her Hair Of Horrors are schooling Brenda on divorced parents and how the kids become the “left out leftovers." Kelly Knows, you guys.

Poor Put Upon Jim arrives home...

...and throws on some more of his Formal Pajamas and FUCKING BUTTON IT UP, JIM.

Like, he gets into bed with the shirt like that. WHAT? I...don't know.

ANYway, Cindy's all harpie-harpie, nag-nag, and doesn't think that Jim wants to spend any time with her and you know what I don't want to spend any more time with? THIS FUCKING STORY LINE.  

More Real Talk With Kelly Taylor: she tells Brenda that another thing that flies out the window right before your parents are going to get a divorce is The Sex. Brenda doesn't think her parents Do The It, and Kelly says they were immaculately conceived. Brenda says that them having her and Brandon was enough to scare them off from Doing The It ever again. Well, Brandon, maybe. Also: I like the back on Brenda's dress.

Cindy hears all of this and feels guilty. But not really. Because she needs a new dick.

STILL? WITH THIS??? GAH. Brenda, who looks cute even with the sort of-dated suspenders, and Brandon, in what I believe is a fucking MOCK TURTLENECK, argue over the study and their parents and I really kind of hope that Jim and Cindy do get a divorce and that Jim takes Brandon back to Minnesota. And then drowns him in Lake Minnetonka.

Harriet “Actually, Mrs. Teasley” Strathmore comes in and FALLS THE FUCK ASLEEP BECAUSE THIS IS BORING. Brenda and Brandon talk about how home-life sucks now and blah blah two Christmases blah. Brandon storms out (WHAT A SHOCK) and Brenda follows, saying they're two peas in a pod. Or some shit.  

Then they argue some more in the Hogwarts hallway. And the ENTIRE WORLD does not care.  

Walsh House. Glen is leaving a message on the answering machine, because let's make it COMPLETELY OBVIOUS that you guys might be starting an affair, you fucking shit-bag. Cindy's shirt is actually decent. Margarita's? Probably another uniform from her job at On The Border.  

Back at school, Brandon (and his goddamn MOCK TURTLENECK), Brenda (wearing Steve's slouchy socks), Donna (looking like I did everyday in 7^th grade), and Kelly (in what appears to be her pajamas), talk about Cindy fucking Glen. Or something. NO ONE CARES. 

The twins decide to try to rekindle the flame (hence the candles; good one) between their parents. They're making them dinner and then heading over to Glen's to be photographed. And by "photographed," I of course mean "violated."

Jim says something about having a vague recollection of what sex is like. SHAVE YOUR BACK HAIR OFF, JIM. SHAVE IT OFF, NOW!

Cindy, in her Mother Of The Bride Finest, tells Jim to stop working so much blah blah I AM GOING TO FUCKING DIE IF THIS DOESN'T END SOON blah. Jim gets up from the table to go do some accounting things. Some more. 

Brenda and Brandon are dinks and stand there and listen to all of this going down. I hope Brandon scalds himself on those steamed vegetables.

So Cindy's immediate reaction is to head to Glen's. Which I don't get. Because, assumedly, she knew that the kids were going over there that night to be photographed, right? So she thought it was a GREAT idea to go over there as well, where she would totally be found out by Brandon and his mad investigative journalist skillZ? WHATEVER, CINDY. YOU ARE THE WORST ADULTERESS EVER. Also: she's flung ANOTHER Cheatin' Shawl around her shoulders.  

So then they do this...and goddamn repulsive Glen says something about them already having a mental affair, so they may as well just Do The It. 

So Cindy just mouth-breathes really hard...

...and then runs out of Glen's all, “I just can't haaaaandle this!” Although, I would've run out on him, too, given that he's a total monster and he's buttoned his shirt up to his eyebrows, all Steve SAUNders Special. Gross.

God. GO DIE.

So, GEE, look who shows up...

...to see their idiot mother and her Cheatin' Shawl fleeing down the street. 

They can't believe what a moron Cindy is, either. 

The next morning: Cindy, wearing her ratty robe, approaches Jim in the kitchen. Turns out he wanted to take a trip down memory lane himself by pulling out the old University of Minnesota literary magazine. And by “magazine” he means “notebook paper in a binder."

GAH. So they look at some shit-piece that he wrote back in the day on Robert Frost's “The Road Not Taken.” Sounds like Jim was as good of a writer as Brandon is. Which is to say, ass-y. ANYway, this is supposed to be all deep and meaningful and apparently Jim has realized that he doesn't want Glen to do Cindy. Basically.  

Brandon, showing off his bulge, and Brenda in her Indiana Jones: The Ride uniform...

...head into the kitchen and ignore Cindy and are all about Jim because he is a cuckold. And Brenda is going to say something to Cindy, like, “Fucking do something with your hair,” but instead bitchily says, “Skip it,” which is awesome. And then they head to school, all feeling sorry for themselves.

THIS IS SO, SO TIRESOME. So they get in Mondale and talk about how hard that was and Brenda talks about a magic wand bringing Jim back from a business trip when she was little, and then STUPID Brandon says “Wish I had a bag of tricks. But I don't.” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? WHO ASKED YOU ANYTHING???

So then Jim's all, “I really, really love you and your white trash hair.”

And then Cindy cries and cries. Because she knows her hair is awful.

AND THEN: It's Mano y mano time, ya'll. 

At first, Jim's all, wow, great life, you rock.

And then he sees Glen's lame, out-of-focus pictures of Cindy (which Glen heinously says he's going to call “The Road Not Taken” like, WTF, YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG??? And comparing Cindy to a road? That is just...vile)...

...and then it's time to throw down! With words. Not with punches, unfortunately. Jim basically tells Glen to step the fuck off his family, and to stop trying to insert himself into their lives, and to basically eat shit and die. And while Jim kicks major rocks, I totally agree with him here.

You go, Jay Sherman. YOU GO.

THIS IS STILL HAPPENING. Donna tries out for the DJ position. And rhymes her name with “Madonna.” And is seriously dressed like 1980's-era Madonna this entire episode. So. There's that.

YOW. 

So Steve is 41 and borrowed one of Glen's shirts and is ALSO trying out. But he freezes. Mic fright, David calls it.

So David, in a shirt he borrowed from Cindy and hair he borrowed from Leonardo DiCaprio circa Growing Pains, goes in and helps Steve. Or rather, takes the microphone himself and raps, AGAIN, and gets the job. THE END. FOREVER. Except not, because we will have to endure YEARS of DJ Funky Fresh David story lines. The only time it will be interesting is when he's addicted to meth for like, half an episode.

Seriously, just die already, Poor (I-Wish-You-Were-Already) Dead Scott Scanlon.

In the sad sack area of the corridor, Mrs. Poodle Perm approaches the twins about the study and asks them what's wrong and then they proceed to totally air their dirty laundry, and then Brandon is a douche (WHAT'S NEW) and says something like, “Maybe we're not even twins. That'll be today's family zinger.” Like, GET OVER YOURSELF, BRANDON. Everyone has problems, you self-centered dweeb.

But of course Brandon's mood completely changes when he hears that Harriet “Actually, Mrs. Teasley” Strathmore thinks that he and Brenda are just the tops and totally there for each other and blah blah Wonder Twins blah.

House of Walsh. Cindy's hanging out in her fucking MOCK TURTLENECK, reading...or something in her backyard.

She should've stayed inside to read, because this knob and his trippy, trippy blazer have come to pay a visit.

He's all STILL gross about her pictures, saying “I like everything I see” all porny-like and basically doing what Jim told him to knock off earlier in the day.  

But then Cindy is all awesomely, "Peace out, loser. I really like you, for some unexplained reason, but I really love my husband. Even though he's a total ass and a real piece of shit most of the time."

So then Glen is a douche SOME MORE and says “It's real healthy here for transplanted growth.” GET IT??? “You and Jim will do just fine.” Seriously, Glen. GO DIE.

The kids arrive home just in time to see Glen coming down the driveway. Why Brandon didn't just run him down for a little Death By Mondale is beyond me. Brandon says that Glen came for a “nooner” and Brenda is an idiot and doesn't know what that is. Brandon also awesomely calls him a “sleaze-meister”. You almost made me kind of like you there, Minnesota.  

So then Glen tries to be all Slick Rick with them and he is just gross. GO AWAY, GLEN.

He gets into his way-lame Dylan Knock-Off Car and drives off a cliff. I HOPE. 

Cindy's glad to see her children. Or some shit. And all is forgiven. Just like that.

So Brandon talks about writing an article about their experience with the twin study. What, did AHHHHHHNdrea put him up to that? And he ONCE AGAIN refers to Brenda as his "better half"...what is going on in this household??? And I would totally ridicule Brenda for putting her jams on when she gets home from school, but I totally do that when I get home from work because COMFORTABLE.

So Jim gets home early all out of breath because he just murdered Glen and buried his body, and wants to take Cindy out somewhere (OVERNIGHT!) to properly celebrate their anniversary. FINALLY.

And then I think that Cindy was about to tell Jim about her Almost Affair with Glen, but then Jim is all, "Do you love me?" And Cindy's all, "OH, YEAH!" Like, she seriously said that. Gross. So then they go upstairs to pack and probably Do The It.  

And then these two foolios go back and forth about respecting each other and NO ONE CARES. NO. ONE. And thank GODFULLY, this episode is over. FIN.

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.