Season 1; Ep. 1 - Pilot Episode: The Mullet That Ate Tokyo...

And so it begins. Let's do this.

“Hey, y’all. I seriously have the worst hair of anyone in this pilot. And that includes Cindy’s white-trashy, grown out perm and Steve’s Proto-Mullet wiglet."

“My hair’s not TOO bad…I will be cutting some really short bangs soon, which will start out as a freak show but eventually grow into The Most Awesome Hair-Do On Television, Past or Present. So, I’m cool. I just need to get through Season 1. Also, I really look like I did on Our House."

"See?"

“I…look the same as every other season. Also, like Jay Sherman from The Critic."

"See?"

“My hair is a nightmare. Those long, cold, Minnesota winters sure did my coif no favors.”

Cindy: "I kind of see what you were going for here, Bren, but…no. Just…no."

Brenda: "Well, MOTHER, at least my hair doesn’t look like THAT. Yours is straight out of a trailer park. Real Talk. But not as bad as Brandon’s duck-tailed horror show. NOTHING’S as bad as that."

“My dress would be way-awesome if the waist was about 4 inches higher…and it was about 4 sizes smaller.”

“Should I…braid that back there? Maybe throw on a couple of Theo Huxtable beads at the ends?”

“My jeans are…revealing.”

“My shirt? Not bad. Pants? Are giving me a yeast infection. Hair? Needs some VO5.” 

Brandon: "Why did you change, Bren?"

Brenda: "Because I, too, wanted to experience a yeast infection. And I didn’t want you to have to be the only Walsh walking around West Bev, looking like a tool."

And so begins the descent into Hell On Earth, also known as “Early 90s ‘Fashion’."

The one thing that didn't make me want to rinse my eyes out with Ajax this entire episode…and no, I don’t mean the mere site of B.A.G.’s name.

Not Original Mondale is appropriately painted the color of feces. 

"You guys! My eyebrows were BUSHY Season 1. Wait until Season 6 when I look like a Chola and they’re practically non-existent.”

Mid-sentence; he’s saying “I’m a fucking dork!” Which is accurate. 

The West Bev Maintenance Crew REALLY needs to get to watering that grass. Lazy assholes. 

Kelly: "Hey. Creepy 41-Year-Old Guy From The Greatest American Hero. Why are you hanging out in a high school parking lot?"

Steve: "My hair is the same color as my skin. I don’t know."

“Well, my skin tone matches my shirt. So…there’s that.”

Live it up, Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon. You’re going to meet a tragic end in about a season-and-some-odd-episodes.

Oh, AHHHHHHNdrea and your sensible public transportation gear. 

The first of many Inappropriately Intimate-ish Sibling Gestures between these two. Also: BRANDON CUT IT OFF. CUT IT OFF NOW.

They go talk to Mr. Principal, which no one cares about because he will never be heard from again. And because it is straight-up boring. 

As they walk out, they go by...this. I...like that dude's jacket? Brandon? Frightened. 

Whatever, Kelly. I can’t wait until you get an eating disorder near the end of Season 3. Your vest is almost kind of cute, though. Also, the girl on the right looks like Roseanne Barr in the movie She-Devil. 

See?

RUN, Brenda. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. This girl with bring you nothing but heartache. 

Yup. 

Mega Douche, reporting for duty. Or Spanish class.

Steve: "[Trying to be all Zack Morris]."

Brandon: "You, sir, are NO Zack Morris. Also: so begins our Terrible Twosome relationship of you being a potential-date-rapist, fire-starting, be-mulleted bonehead, and me being a self-righteous, furrow-browed jackass."

Good to know, Teach. Did you borrow that dress from Brenda? 

“Just kickin’ it, Season 1 Opening Credits style. Also: I am insufferable. Also: like Cindy Walsh, my hair TOO could use a VO5 hot oil treatment.”

RUN, Brandon. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Take your Wayne Gretzky feathers and get the fuck out. Then we won’t have to start the AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Loves Brandon story line which will NEVER EVER DIE, GOOD GOD.

”I also have one of these up my ass.”

AHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "[Insufferable, poorly dressed, insufferable some more.]"

Brandon: "Whatevs. I secretly get off on you being psychotically in love with me, because, as previously mentioned, I am a jackass. And 5’4” with lifts."

Lunchtime. Even dudes WITH MULLETS THEMSELVES don’t want to eat with you,  Brandon. Time to reevaluate that “personality” of yours.

Smell ya later, Minnesota. 

Note to Kelly: the black, polka-dotted vest was the only redeemable thing about your outfit. PUT IT BACK ON.

Hey! Look! It’s The Donna Flip. 

”You can totally eat, like, sleeves of Oreos in Minnesota and not have to worry about looking fat because you can conceal the chunk underneath wooly sweaters and, like, Snuggies and stuff.”

"[Something bitchy.]"

Scott and David: "[Being dorky.]"

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon’s probably never even been to Spain. Or a Lakers game. AND HE WILL NEVER GET TO DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS. BECAUSE HE DIES. NEXT SEASON. BY SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE STOMACH. 

Shut up, Marianne. 

Also: learn to spell. 

Yes, Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: you’re going to die a virgin. 

Brenda: "I don’t want to be seen with your Cindy Walsh ‘do at the party."

Brandon: "Totally understandable. I wouldn’t want to be seen with this thing either." 

Setting: Not The Walsh House. 

Brenda: "[Wearing the hideous drop-waist abortion or some variation of it from before.]"

Cindy: "[Looking appropriately Mom-ish.]"

Brenda: "[Embarrassed noises.]" 

Kelly: "[Bitchy noises.]"

Donna: "[Rocking The Donna Flip.]" 

Girls We’ll Never See Past The Pilot Episode: "[Who cares?]" 

Cindy: "You, Kelly, are a slut who’s going to ruin my daughter’s life. Thanks for that!"

Kelly: "Curfew who?"

Party. Whatever. 

REALLY WHATEVER.

More drop-waists. Was there some kind of Flapper resurgence in 1990 that I was unaware of? At least Donna’s hair looks somewhat nourished here. Not for long, though – this is before she joined The VO5 Hair Club For The Women of Beverly Hills With Exceptionally Crunchy & Dry Follicles.

Brandon looks like…white trash. Steve looks…LIKE HE’S WEARING SLOUCHY SOCKS. BECAUSE HE IS.

Kelly: "Embarrassingly, Steve’s my ex. I broke up with him because, had we stayed together and had children, they’d be albino. I just couldn't live with that." 

Steve: "Kelly’s my ex. And you’ll have to put up with years of me talking about it at every chance I get. Even when you and her start dating."

Brandon: "I really can’t wait for that! It almost sounds as entertaining as the AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Has An Unrequited Crush On Brandon story line."

David: "Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon, this is probably the only party you will ever go to in your shortened high school career. Well, this and…your sad, cowboy-themed birthday party next season where YOU SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE STOMACH AND DIE, which means that your BIRTHday is also your DEATHday."

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "WHUH?"

David: "Exactly." 

David: "ANYway, there’s Kelly. She’s hot. I’m going to completely ditch you in my desperate quest to make her love me, and to make her friends accept me. But not you, Tool."

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "I truly hate you, Switch It Up. I was really intending to shoot YOU in the stomach, not me."

Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon: "I’m just going to end it all now by drowning myself in the pool of the girl from Head of the Class. Goodbye cruel world."

YAWN. Poor Little Rich Head of the Class Girl and Brandon’s mullet flirt. 

Her dress wouldn’t be nearly as bad without the Christmas ribbon under her tits. Maybe it’s her sly attempt at insinuating she’s a present waiting to be opened…by someone with a mullet. 

 

1. She looks about 45 here. 2. She looks REALLY HAGGARD, MY GOD. 3. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER LIPS?

Dancing. Zzzzz. He smells like Tide or some shit. And her hands are TOUCHING that thing. 

Seventeen hours later, she writes her phone number on his arm. In lipstick. Because THAT’S not going to be rubbed off by the sleeve of his acid-washed denim jacket. Marianne (for that’s her, the thrower of the party) is smart. 

AND A PARTY GIRL. 

Steve: "I’m drunk. Let’s knock boots."

Kelly: "AS IF." 

"My hair looks WAY mullet-y in this scene. And I look like I’m probably going to my yacht after this. Also: I’m going to ralph on you."

"Whatevs, Steve. Although I look 41 in this scene, too." 

David: "Hey, man. Nice to meet you. This is the beginning of OUR retarded relationship, which is oh-so-very tiresome, including the time you were my manager when I pretended to be Vanilla Ice, and then I had to fire you, and then NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD cared."

Steve: "I really got the shit-end of the stick as far as story lines go, huh? At least I had a meaty one when I was accused of date rape. And also when I got John Sears kicked out of KEG. And at least Claire and I had good chemistry, right? And Janet? RIGHT?"

 

This is how it will feel when Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott is REALLY gone, David. This is also what it’s like when doves cry. 

Steve’s Wasted Face, David drives him and his car home, doesn't put the parking brake on, the car rolls downhill and crashes into another car. No one cares. 

Donna apparently got a ride home with someone else. But this was pre-Let’s Run Donna’s Virginity Story INTO THE GROUND until NO ONE CARES, NOT THAT THEY EVER DID, so maybe she actually got lucky that night. 

Party post-mortem. Brenda borrowed one of Cindy’s shirts. 

Brandon: "I’m seriously considering lopping off this mullet before the next episode."

The World: "YES, PLEASE. DO IT NOW."

Nobody cares...

...except for The Greatest American Hero. 

See? 

My brother had Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon’s Shirt. 

Kelly likes her orange. And is apparently a genius because she’s making Brenda a fake I.D. WITH A #2 PENCIL. 

Then: Kelly’s jacket and Brenda’s pants would make a suit. The rest of Kelly’s…whatever, has caused me to go blind. Also: way to go with making Jennie Garth’s legs look like sequoias, Wardrobe People.

Brandon: "Are you wearing the same dress you were wearing at your party? Gross. Also: I like your boots."

Marianne: "Dur." 

Brandon: "Let’s go out on a date, even though nobody in their right mind cares. You will never be heard from again after this episode, so it doesn’t matter. Also, please wear something different on our date."

Marianne: "[Trying to look like the sexy ingénue; failing]."

Brandon: "Hey, AHHHHHHHNdrea, where should I take my date?" 

AHHHHHHHHNdrea: "I hope I’m the one who shoots themselves in the stomach next season."

The World: "US TOO."

Cindy: "I have crazy eyes sometimes, like right now."

Brenda: "I have wonky eyes, which you never really notice unless I’m being filmed in a reflection. Either way, I’m still adorable. And ready to club it up, bitches."

The guy from Gladiator should've kept his day job. 

Brenda’s the only one to get in, maybe because she didn’t look like a total reject in this relatively cute dress.

 

And then she encounters this. 

He like, shout-talks at her for a few minutes, and she orders a banana daiquiri. Jason (for that is his name) continues to believe that she’s over 21, and wants him and his mock turtleneck to bump uglies with her as soon as possible. 

So then this happens. In slow-mo. Set to some supposedly “sexy” music. 

And then this happens. At least most of his fucking hair is hidden under that helmet.

So then there’s a hot tub and champagne and Marianne all throwing herself at Brandon’s mullet, and Brandon acting all pure and shit and making Marianne slink away to the other side of the tub, and then they’re going to take it slow or something and then I fell asleep.

Also: her lips are still really weird, and she eats his face several times during this exchange. But at least she’s not wearing her velvet Christmas dress. 

Jason’s creepy lair. The only person who’s allowed to have this thing is Joey “Dr. Drake Ramoray” Tribbiani. 

Gross. 

Grosser. 

GROSSEST. 

So the weirdo takes Brenda “home” (she lied, whatever). She still looks fab, even after being groped by some socially-retarded cave man.

The twins get home at the same time, and are all like, don’t tell mom. Whatever. Brandon looks like he should be on Jenny Jones. 

Kelly: "Thanks for calling me at the butt-crack to tell me about your creepy encounter with Mock Turtleneck, Brenda. I’ll make you pay for this…somehow."

Not Original Famous Jackie: "Isn’t my peignoir just divine? Now get off the phone, Kelly, I have to go bone some rando who’s not your father right now, for you are also a Poor Little Rich Girl. My story will only get truly interesting in a few episodes when I’m running around like a coked-out prostitute and ruining high school fashion shows, etc."

 

Steve: "No one cares about my wrecked car story line." 

Kelly: "No, they don’t. My green Master’s blazer is actually pretty cute, though."

"Do I look sexy in my country-western inspired shirt? Do you think Jason will like it?"

"Who cares? That guy wears a MOCK TURTLENECK."

Brandon’s Mullet receives some roses from Marianne. Steve is impressed (?); AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, predictably sulky. 

AHHHHHHHNdrea: "I LOVE YOU! WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME BACK??? MARIANNE IS A POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL! I AM FROM THE VALLEY SO THAT MAKES ME DEEP. ALSO, I TOOK ONE OF YOUR ROSES BUT I’M ALLERGIC SO NEVER MIND."

Brandon: "Nobody asked you ANYTHING, Denim Skirt."



Brenda: "Hi, Jason. I’m wearing a truly horrendous outfit at the moment. My friends? Well, Donna’s hair looks WAY better than it ever will, but she’s wearing some kind of dino-version of Andy Warhol’s pop-art collection; the Random Girl We’ll Never See Or Hear From Again is whatever, and Kelly’s still wearing the green Master’s jacket and her usual bitchy expression. Also: you, sir, are NO Dylan McKay."



"Dude. I get it. I have about a year left to live. Stop rubbing it in, twerp."



"But Poor (Soon-To-Be) Dead Scott Scanlon, you’re so precious to me."

"Hi, I'm 41." 

Then there’s these foolios, talking about Brandon getting lucky with Marianne…because she sent him roses in Spanish class. I…don’t know. Anyway, Brandon, being the monster that we will come to know and hate, goes along with this version of events.

At least he and his mullet have the decency to look guilty. 

Back inside, Marianne, having found out what a snake Brandon is, marches up to him ready for a fight. She looks very pretty here. 

And then does this. Which should be done to Brandon at least once an episode. MARRY ME, MARIANNE. 

"You’re scum, but I’m annoying and have a collared sweatshirt on, so it totally negates my admonishment of you."

Then this happens, and no one cares. 

Then Steve is 41 some more, and David tells him that he likes The Hartley House (yet another story line we will NEVER HEAR THE END OF, NO ONE CARES) and all is forgiven. Or something. 

Brenda, talking to Brandon, getting ready for some P inside her V.

 

Single and ready to mingle. Or go to McDonalds. Which is what she tells Jim she's doing. Because, see, they live in Los Angeles now, and everyone gets dressed up for everything. This show teaches you so much about different cultures.

Idiotic dinner in which everyone is dressed like a toolshed, and Jason does some more speaking-down-to-Brenda. WHERE’S DYLAN, MY GOD?

More molestation, this time in the front seat of Jason’s sweet Jeep Cherokee. Then he TELLS HER that she’s spending the night the next night…because that’s a turn-on? 

Then Brandon makes some baby-voiced apology to Marianne over the pre-David Silver airwaves. This Dwayne Wayne-Looking Guy is all, whatever, Mullet. 

Everyone is listening and laughing at Brandon, as they should, including Kelly in her Not Red Kelly Beemer.

And then Steve gets all Shawshank Redemption. 

And then Marianne's all, "What’s this bag of shit talking about? Whatever,  Mullet."

More talking about Jason. NO ONE CARES. The guy is a snooze, and really, everyone’s just awaiting the next episode where Dylan is introduced, and really-REALLY waiting for “Isn’t It Romantic” where Brenda and Dylan finally get together in typically dramatic, pot-smashing fashion. MOVE IT ALONG, SHOW. (Brenda’s turquoise blazer might be cute.)

Brandon: "I’m truly sorry. Also, I would like your dress way more if it wasn’t size XXXL." 

Marianne: "Whatever, Mullet."

Brenda’s in trouble. Because she’s preoccupied with Jason. Dylan??? Is that you??? ARE YOU ALMOST HERE???

I'm going to Cliff Notes it through this next Big Reveal, because these two are the worst and NO ONE CARES: Brandon self-righteously chases AHHHHHHHHNdrea down to tell her that he and Marianne made nice. She doesn’t care because she loves him so much she hates him; she, too, is an ass, and her jeans are giving her bacterial vaginosis.

 

So, like the prick we will come to know and loathe, Brandon FOLLOWS AHHHHHHHHNdrea to her appropriately dowdy house in The Valley. She gets all insufferable; he somehow manages to find a soapbox to get up on; they make up; she believes she still has a shot at seeing his Little Minnesota, and she invites him inside for some milk and cookies. THE END. FOREVER, I HOPE. 

Brenda: "Can I give you the straight poop?"

Jason: "OKAY. WHATEVER. I’M JUST GOING TO SIT OVER HERE, TALKING UNNECCESARILY LOUD AND BEING A FUCKING DUMBASS. I AM THE WORST ACTOR OF ALL TIME."

“I’m in high school, you almost-statutory rapist.” 

”I could sue your parents. [WHAT???] Also: I look to be about in the same age group as your friend Steve Sanders in this picture.” 

Another gropefest in the front seat, this time unwanted. Brenda awesomely slams the door in his face. DYLAN??? 

Cindy witnesses all of this, Brenda comes in the house and cries, and Cindy wonders when her daughter started dressing like Kelly Bundy. 

Jim comes in and gives his Concerned Jim Face. Thanks for coming out this episode, Jimbo.

Brandon: "I’m so glad this episode is almost over. Like, it was pretty bad. And my hair is atrocious. Also, I think this is way too close for twins to be sitting. On a bed."

Brenda: "I’m pretty. We’re totes going to cut that growth off of your head before the next episode. Also: I know Dylan and I don’t get together for a while, but just his mere presence in 'The Green Room' makes me think we can get through this kind of dull Season 1."

"Good night, loser."

"Good night, Bren. I’m just going to sleep in these jeans here, which are giving ME a yeast infection, TOO. "

All images courtesy of bh90210.fanfusion.org, Google.