Sunday, May 8, 2016

Season 2, Episode 21: Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout It - Let's Get Schooled On Safe Sex Practices, '90's-Stylezzzzzz. Which Means We'll Hear The Word "Condom" Spoken 57 Times Per Scene. That'll Do.

In which take it away, Salt-N-Pepa:

No, but seriously.  Let's.

We open here...

...and then we're in the living room, where we see the backs of the following heads: Cindy, Jim, Brenda, Dylan, AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her rat's ass...rat's ass, and Brandon's, who's sitting on the floor where he belongs.  They're immersed in some news report on the television, which goes a little something like this: "You've heard the old expression 'children should be seen and not heard'? Well, now there's a government survey that wants to know what kids have to say on a variety of subjects, but one of those subjects has some people up in arms.  Evan Eber reports."

And then AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea like, NERD SPEWS all over everyone, "Oh! This is it! This is it! Turn up the sound!" You're in someone else's house, bitch! Have some manners.

Onscreen, there are various shots of campus-y-looking places and a voice over of the reporter: "Many of the questions pertain to sex, and therein lies the controversy.  Critics contend the government-funded survey promotes a message that casual sex is okay."

As he speaks, we get more shots of students walking around, and protester-types holding up signs that say things like, "SEXPERTS GO HOME!!" which mostly reminds me of this and if these so-called "SEXPERTS" are anything at all like Carrie Bradshaw, then, yes, please do go home.  Because you clearly suck at your job and are annoying.

Here's a shot of 27-year-olds-parading-as-17-year-olds coming down a staircase, that shitty dweeb John Griffin from a few earlier episodes among them.

Another shot of signs with some wicked burns on them, including one that reads, "CASUAL SEX KILLS" and another, ""SIN SURVEY = SINFUL WASTE." These people better step up their protest sign game if they ever want to work their way up to protesting homosexuals' funerals on behalf of the Westboro Baptist Church.  The reporter continues: "They claim that teen pregnancy, AIDS, and other consequences of adolescent sexual behavior cannot be prevented unless we know something about the behavior itself." The behavior itself being...? Teenagers are horny?

On the screen, Mrs. T!...

...followed by this middle-aged lady, who must be a school counselor or perhaps a teacher at West Bev or...oops.  It's just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  My bad.

AHHHHHH: "I look awful!" *crickets, a squeaky door opening and shutting, someone coughing, as no one disagrees with her* Finally, the uncomfortable silence is too much for Cindy to bear and she provides an over-the-top, "Oh, you do not!" that no one believes anyway.

Dylan, again grabbing the much-lusted after Line Of The Episode prize with this gem: "How come I don't see your bones up there, squeef?" of Brandon.

Brandon points to the t.v. and says, "There I am! Right there! That's my elbow, right there! See?" Everyone leans in for a closer look because Brandon is a lying sack of shit.  Brenda attempts to soothe her brother's ego with, "We could see your whole face if the sign wasn't luckily covering it."

And then this Rando Man who's WEARING A POLKA DOT ASCOT, because he apparently had to get himself all fancied up for the protest, addresses the issue: "Our public health is not served by prying into every corner of our children's lives."

Shot of AHHHHHHHHNdrea, SHDH as Ascot finishes up: "This is a wrongful allocation of taxpayer money, and we think the department should freeze the funding immediately."

Then we finally see Evan Eber, as he ends his story with a wooden, "No matter what happens tomorrow, one thing remains clear: when it comes to the issue of teenage sexuality, everyone's passion can become inflamed." Gross.  And: Evan, you're terrible at job.

So Brandon is sad that he "ended up on the cutting room floor," and Jim reassures him with, "Better luck next time, champ." It's pronounced chump, Jim.  Chump.  And then the Boring Old People are off to bed, and I'm not quite sure why AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea didn't join them.  Also, Brandon, like a boor, sits on the arm of the sofa with his feet on the seat.  And no one says anything, maybe because they're all oblivious, but most likely because he's a known asshole and they're not in the mood to deal with it.

And then Brenda and Dylan start making out, like, he sort of ROLLS ON TOP OF HER AND WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FREAK SHOW FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCK??? HER BROTHER IS RIGHT THERE.  Number of times I made out with my high school boyfriend in front of my brother? Well, I didn't have a high school boyfriend until I was almost out of high school, but that's beside the point.  The answer would've been zero.

Brandon fronts like he's not going to be masturbating to this image later and awkwardly asks of AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, "So, uh, staff meeting first period tomorrow, huh?" and she's all, "Yeah," and he's all, "Great," and she's all, "Great," and I'm all, "Fuuuuuuuck."

And then these pigs continue to make out IN FRONT OF HER BROTHER and I'm physically ill right now.  Physically ill.

An extra-kicky version of the theme song plays us over to West Bev, the next whatever.

Neon & Black Backpack! How we've missed you!

Inside, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and her Hawk From Twin Peaks sweater walk down the hall reading a piece of paper.

She meets up with Brandon at his locker, asking, "You didn't me your folks were having the Parents' Association meeting at your house?" Brandon tells her he didn't know himself, probably because no one tells him anything, probably because he's a dick and no one likes him.  Except for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.  But we all know she doesn't count.

Ugh.  The one person I somehow hate more than Brandon shows up: "Hey-hey! So, Walsh, did ya see us on the news? Sorry your mug didn't make the cut." Brandon slams his locker door as they start heading down the hall and informs the dingleberry, "Yours almost broke our picture tube." MEEEE-OWWWWW.

Griffin tells AHHHHHHHHNdrea that he tried to reach her by phone as the news story was airing, but she informs him, "Oh, well, I was at Brandon's house," in this really odd, dreamy way, like "I was at Brandon's house" actually means "I was sitting on Brandon's face" or something.

As they walk past the DJ booth, the camera focuses in on David and Donna inside, she sitting on his lap and giggling about something.  Most likely his wardrobe and/or his hairline.

Through the booth glass, we see Brenda and Kelly coming down the hall...

...and when they turn the corner, Kelly shoots the lovebirds a dirty look, saying, "Aren't they the darling duo." Brenda calls her "cranky" and Kelly responds, "Just seeing David reminds me of how much my mom likes his dad.  What can she see in a guy whose idea of a good time is a gum massage?" Okay, that was funny.  Although, I'm pretty certain Mel's idea of a "good time" is far more perverse and involves several orthodontists and a variety of barnyard animals.

Blaze whatever.  AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's handing out assignments and Griffin's all over everything, which prompts Brandon to snipe, "Whoa.  Eager little beaver, aren't we?" and he's such a cunt toward this guy and I seriously love it.  Griffin attempts to hit Brandon where it hurts - his HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER SKILLS - with, "Why, just because I don't phone it in?" That's gonna leave a mark.

Mrs. T and her SHOULDER PADS THAT ATE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND THEN SOME show up, looking tense.  Griffin asks if "they" are ready for them (meaning...the Sex Survey people?) but Mrs. T's all, "I'm afraid I have some disappointing news." More importantly: HOW DID SHE MAKE IT THROUGH THE DOOR.

Outside in the quad or whatever, AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's on a tear: "They're hypocrites, that's all there is to it!"

Griffin, eating a cookie: "Two-faced ignoramuses.  Or is it ignorami?" Fuck.  This guy.

AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea calls whatever happened a "travesty" because this is the girl who equates living out of the district with the Holocaust.  For as smart as she supposedly is, no one's ever schooled AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea on a little theory known as "perspective."

So here's fucking Steve and his even-more-micro-after-the-last-episode genitals: "AHHHHHHHNdrea, what's goin' on? I was supposed to get out of English Lit for the sex survey." She corrects him by calling it a "A public health survey," then tells him it's been canceled.

He says, "Great.  Now I actually have to read Brave New World," and then he pulls this face and walks away and it was kind of funny.  Like, on-the-lower-end-of-the-spectrum, baser funny, I mean.

Griffin then tells AHHHHHHHHNdrea, "If you need any help with that editorial, I'm at your disposal," meaning with his privates.

Brenda, Donna, Brandon walk up.  Brandon asks, "Flogged anymore school administrators today?" because she apparently, "really gave it to Mrs. Teasley" earlier.  That AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea: She's A Charmer.  Griffin praises her some more because he's SPOILER ALERT a virgin and really desperate for some poon, even if said poon belongs to The Zuck.  Brenda pipes in with, "I mean, it's really unfair.  It's like they don't give a damn about what we have to say." Right.  Because teenagers are super fucking stupid.

Donna adds, "Well, my mom [FELICE MOTHER-FUCKIN' MARTIN] will be happy.  She doesn't think they should ask kids about sex because it might give them ideas."

Blargh.  This is AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's signal to act like a real piece of shit: "Doesn't your mom read the newspaper? There were a million teenage pregnancies in this country last year.  Every year, three million teenagers contract sexually-transmitted diseases.  That is not because of any survey." Hey.  Shrill Bitch? Donna said HER MOM would be happy.  Not her.  So then this happens, and I'm going to have it printed on a t-shirt:

Because yes.

But it doesn't dissuade AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea from continuing: "No, people are dying, Brandon.  More Americans have died from the AIDS virus than were killed in the Vietnam and Korean wars combined.  More are gonna die in the next two years than in the ten years since the virus was discovered.  How can people ignore this problem?" Everything she's saying is true, but god she's such a drag about it.

Brenda tells her to, "Give 'em hell," and then her and a probably shell-shocked Donna walk away, having been properly admonished by their poorly-coiffed "friend" who they don't even like that much to begin with.

Brandon, Griffin and AHHHHHHHNdrea head in another direction and she starts reading some of the questions from the survey, like, "Have you ever had sexual intercourse before?" and "Have you ever used any of the following: birth control pills, IUD, condoms?" Griffin interjects to ask her to hang out with him at the college library that night, so that they can have some sexual intercourse, which sounds like just a bag full of dicks to me, but she cuts him off with her epiphany: "Tonight's Board of Education meeting!"

Which takes us to this Serious Building.

Inside, some panel of Randos sits at a long table with mics.  A Rando man drones on about something no one cares about.

And here's these two nerdlingers in the crowd? audience? AHHHHHHHHNdrea telling him, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea." She wants to bolt but he reminds her that it's already on the agenda and then!

Rando Man is all, "AHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman? Is Anne-drea Zuckerman here?"

Blah blah AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea "Left Eye" Zuckerman approaches the podium and tells all these dorks on the Board that she wants to implement a condom program on the West Bev campus.

Some of them are more scandalized than others...

...while this smirk-jerk sits there smirking in an outfit I'm fairly certain Scott Baio wore during the first season of Charles In Charge.

This Other Rando Man pipes in with, "I so move," and then Rando Broad here seconds it so it's on the table for consideration or whatever.  I don't understand the inner-workings of a district's school board, nor do I care to understand the inner-workings of a district's school board.

AHHHHHHHHNdrea: sickeningly pleased with herself.

Griffin: does a little douche-pump of his fist which I wish he would aim at his face over and over and over again.

Exterior, Peach Pit.

Inside, David (wearing another version, this time blue, of The Polka Dot Door), Donna, Brenda, AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea and some fucking be-mulleted putz that no one cares about, sit at the counter.  Griffin's going on and on and on and on about how great AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea was talking about stocking West Bev with Magnum Condoms to the Board.  Brandon's there, too, "working," and he walks by and makes another snarky jab at Griffin, which was glorious.

Barf.  Worthless Nat has worthlessly returned.  How lucky for us.  He presents AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea with...something.  Who cares.  He tells her it's "on the house," because, again, he's an excellent business man, and then he's way too enthused about the condom program, gleefully asking when it starts, because maybe, since his business is going under, he can't afford condoms for all the paid-for sex he has and wants to find out where he can grab a free stash of them.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea informs him "It's only on the table at this point.  Not everybody in the Parents' Association's gonna go for it."

Nat: "You want me to talk to 'em for ya?" Why, yes, please, Spooky Proprietor Of The Greasy Spoon Diner These Kids Hang Out At Who Is Way Too Involved In Their Lives, please oh please talk to the Parents' Association about condoms.  Because that wouldn't be alarming and completely inappropriate in the slightest.

And then ALL THE NIGHTMARES HAPPEN AT ONCE.  Brandon comes up, throws his arm around Nat's neck and says, "You're the expert, huh, Nat?" And then:

I'm just going to leave this right here.  While I go douse my head in honey and run to find the nearest colony of flesh-eating ants.

Instead of rushing to the bathroom to make it to a toilet in time to throw up, AHHHHHHHNdrea thanks Nat for his support and he tells her, "Of course, if it were my daughter, I'd lock her in the closet till she was 35." And then he laughs like a goon and walks away to go give someone some more free food.

(Aside: is no one else totally creeped-out that they talked to this fifty-something man about a condom program at their school? Like, I'm an Old Lady and even now I don't think I could ever say the word "condom" to anyone, anywhere, ever.)

Donna tells everyone to not laugh because, "That's what my mom would like to do to me." David, having ejaculated a hole in his underwear after all this condom talk, pulls her toward him with a, "Over my dead body," and a kiss to her cheek.  Like the dead body of your oldest friend, Scott, who's dead now? Do you remember???

Brenda, wearing...that, tells Donna, "Maybe you should just not tell your mom about the Parents' Association meeting." Donna says that Felice never misses them and that she really wants to meet Cindy.  AHHHHHHHNdrea warns that the thing could be "a real free-for-all" and that she hopes Cindy's prepared for it.

Brandon: "You guys know Cindy Walsh.  Nothin' fazes her."

Immediately, we're here, where's Cindy's talking to a Rando Couple.

Mel and Jackie walk in, Jackie's outfit giving me vibes of something from The Nanny Collection.  Cindy and Brenda rush to greet them.

FULL STOP.  FELICE.  And Donna.  But more importantly FELICE.

Felice and Jackie do some phony cheek-kiss, Felice asking if Jackie has any new STDs how Jackie is and Jackie telling her, "Comme ci, comme ça.  A little bug." Like...pubic lice? Lord knows where Mel's crotch has been.

Introductions between Felice and Cindy are made...

...and then AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea arrives in another one of those juvenile wide-collared tops she so prefers.

Felice throws the shade of a thousand palm trees with a single sentence: "Ah, the infamous AHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman?"


AHHHHHHHNdrea's only reaction is this, because AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea knows that she is a steaming pile of cat feces in comparison to THEE Felice Martin.  She's also aware that her Bo Peep top is no match for Felice's fierce hounds-tooth print power suit.

Mel steals Cindy away from witnessing Felice's potential murdering of AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea with only a few well-timed judgmental looks, and introduces her to this guy, whose name is Bill Sloane and whose clammy red face gives the mien of someone with a significant drinking problem.  He makes a snide comment about the kids being at a parents' meeting, probably because he's a deviant like his friend Mel here and was hoping the gathering would devolve into some kind of disgusting, wealthy people's orgy later in the evening.

Whatever, Cindy tells him that the kids are, "only here to observe," and then she grabs Brenda by the shoulders and demands, "Find your father," while fake-smiling/real-grimacing.


Cut to this (probably stewed) mess, going on a rant about how he doesn't want his kid, who's probably not getting laid anyway, to be able to go to a school nurse and ask for a condom.


Then Mel stands up and IT IS ON.  Or as "ON" as at can be between these two wormy, middle-aged geeks.  Mel shouts, "At least at school they would provide some instruction."


Jim, looking pretty spiffy in his sweater/tie combo, interjects with a, "Mel, please." Sloane goes onto to say a bunch of other shit about his kid who's probably never going to have sex anyway, so all of this is a moot point.  Mel shouts, AGAIN, "Then just decide for your own kid and not for everybody else's!" This is loudest I've ever heard Mel.  Ever.  I mean, sure, he's still monotone as fuck, even at this register.  But I guess loudness that, while unchanging in pitch and sans any kind of intonation, still indicates some kind of emotion, yes?


Shot of a Partial Gang, which now unfortunately includes Steve, watching this disaster, from the archway.


These guys continue their sad little Tiny Penis-Measuring Competition until it reaches a full boil and until Jim The Equalizer cuts in again with, "Gentlemen, please! Mrs. Martin has been waiting patiently.  Let's give her the floor."


As Felice stands to address the room, Brenda comments, "Boy, David's dad is very, uh..." and Steve says, "Belligerent?" She corrects him with, "Outspoken," and Donna rolls her eyes and adds, "Yeah, but so is my mom."


Now it's Felice's time to shine! By saying a bunch of stuff I don't necessarily agree with, but whatever: "Hi, everybody.  Dr. Martin would've liked to have been here tonight, but unfortunately, he's at a medical conference, addressing his colleagues on this very subject, in fact." Because heart surgeons attend medical conferences about sex education in high schools? Okay.  She continues: "And I'm sure he'd be a lot better at this than me, but what he would've said to all of you is this: year after year, the experts have been telling us that condoms are the most effective way to prevent the spread of AIDS and other sexually-transmitted diseases."


Shot of Jackie looking at Mel as Felice says this, because these dirty skanks clearly didn't use a condom and now Jackie's asking Mel with her eyes just where his dick's been and what kind of downstairs labial itch or zygote in her belly she's going to wake up with tomorrow.


"And yet, year after year, more people are getting sick, more people are dying.  Children are dying.  It's very clear there's a lot we don't know about this disease.  It's clear something's not working.  I submit, condoms aren't the answer."

And the crowd is all WHUUUUUUUUUH??? and murmuring like they can't believe what she's implying.  Because they're fucking morons and really think she's saying that kids should have sex without condoms.

AHHHHNdrea: "[Condoms] work when people use them right." Bren: "Not always." Which Brenda is an expert on, seeing as she DIDN'T get pregnant after having protected sex with Dylan at the Spring Dance.

I love her, but GOOD GOD can this woman prattle on.  She talks about giving kids mixed messages, like telling them not to have sex but then supplying them with lube and anal beads and ball gags (I'm looking at you, Mel) and telling them to have fun.  And how!

As if anyone cares what this simp has to say, Brandon's all, "She does have a point." Yeah.  Let's ask Felice how she feels about you pig-dog-humping your girlfriend while your parents and your sister slept in the next rooms.


Blah blah "The only advice we can give in good conscience, the only 100% reliable advice, is to use that old-fashioned method that is just simply gonna have to become fashionable again, and that method is abstinence" blah.  Sure.  Because that'll work.

Some clapping and more murmuring.

Steve: "AHHHHHNdrea, say something." I mean, at least he's self-aware enough to know not to say any words himself.

PRAISE BE TO ZEUS that instead of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, Donna jumps in here with, "And if they don't listen, which a lot of them won't, do you just shrug and say, 'Well, I told you so'?" Felice is scary, so I probably wouldn't want to go up against her like that, but good on you, Donna.


Sloane, having woken up after nodding off in a drunken stupor, pipes in with a biting, "What is this, a student council meeting?" Good one, souse.


Spiffy Jim: "Bill, I'd like to hear what Donna has to say."


And then Donna gets all nervous as everyone in the room turns toward her, and she tells AHHHHHHHHHNdrea to step up and speak and ALL the people are like, "Please god, NO," so Donna ignores the fact that she's wet her pants and continues:


"It's just, if you say that kids don't need condoms because they shouldn't be having sex in the first place, well, you're overlooking two very important things.  One is that a lot of kids are having sex, and the other is that they are kids.  I mean...it's like...if you have a swimming pool in your backyard, you can tell your children not to go in it, you can even build a fence around it, but if you know that they're going to find a way into that water, don't you think you oughta teach those kids how to swim?" I will say that this last line about the swimming pool has stuck with me since I watched this episode when I was 11 years old.  Great analogy, in my opinion.


And then AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea has to stick her terrible perm into the mix and tell Donna, "Couldn't have said it better." No, you really couldn't have.  And you would've been super off-putting and grating and hag-like, whereas Donna was impassioned while still maintaining non-hag-likeness, you fucking walking exhaustion, you.


Here again.

Inside, the Walshes are collecting folding chairs and cleaning up following the meeting.  Did they rent these chairs? Or do they just happen to own 75 folding chairs that they store in some kind of Backyard Shed Of Walsh? I need answers.  Jim says, "If you woulda told me 10 years ago that I would be in my living room, arguing about condoms in front of my kids, I woulda said you were nuts."


Cindy comes in with a tray, collecting coffee cups and things that all the ill-mannered animals in the Parents' Association left scattered about the room, and adds, "I remember when the big controversy at the PTA was over where they gonna hold the next holiday bake sale." Brandon mentions that he thought Mel "Mental Dental" (I don't know) Silver was going to throw down on Sloane and Brenda says that the sticky-faced lush "would've deserved it."


Jim comes to Sloane's defense, saying that since he plays racquetball with him, he knows that he's a good guy and a caring father, and Brandon asks, "If he's so worried about his son getting his hands on a condom, why doesn't he just have a little talk with him?"


Cindy says, "It's hard for some people to talk to their kids about sex." Like when you and Jim made Brenda feel like a heaping garbage person after sleeping with Dylan? Hard like that?


Brandon: "It wasn't hard for you guys." And then Jim gives Cindy this Look...


...and Brenda gives Cindy a Look and adds, "Speak for yourself, bro." JESUS, I'm glad someone pointed out the vast, wholly hypocritical way Brenda was treated vs. what Brandon had to non-deal with following his virginity-losing with Cheryl...


...which brings us to him broaching that very subject: "No, I'm serious.  Remember the time Cheryl came out from Minnesota and I didn't care about how uncomfortable it would make my family and how all-around icky it was, because I was just a horndog dude, desperately in need of a vagina we...".  And then Jim smirkily smirks at his son because he's proud that Brandon laid the wood to Cheryl in the house he pays the mortgage on and he's still so delighted by that fact and there's blood coming out of both of my nostrils right now, isn't there? 


Brandon's only response is to cheese-dick smile at everyone, and NO ONE talks about Brenda being made to feel like a giant (literal) fucking whore after she Did The Do with Dylan.  Except that I do.  In my head.  And then one of my cats walks by and I tell her all about it, even though she's heard me talk about this subject ad nauseam since like, she was adopted, and she's all, "Will you give it a fucking rest?" and so I do.  And Brandon finally says, "Well...maybe..." and the he trails off as everyone gets a real kick out of this and smiles and I really wish Brenda had lit everyone on fire at this point but she didn't.

Cindy changes gears with, "Personally I think it's getting a lot easier with all the media exposure and everything." Brenda concurs: "That's true - I mean, ever since Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV positive, it seems like all you hear about is condoms and safer sex." And now it's TWENTY-FIVE years later and Magic Johnson is still around and thriving.  Did anyone think that that was going to be the case at the time? I sure didn't.


OH MY FUCK AND THEN I GO RAGE BLIND WHEN CINDY LEANS INTO BRENDA AND ADDS, "And abstinence." Brandon just confirmed that he stuck it in Cheryl - why isn't HE getting a nudge-nudge and abstinence nudge-nudge from either one of these fucking monsters he calls parents WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  I know this is an old television show (seriously - I really grasp that; I know it often seems like I don't but I do) but what a load of unhealthy crap that was being spoon-fed to pre-teen-and-teen girls watching this at the time.  Ahh, the '90s.  Once again, Brenda does not do as I would like her to do and take a page out of Lizzie Borden's book and hack all of these hypocritical fuckwits to death.  Rather, she sheepishly smiles and says, "Right."

Jim and Cindy leave the room, talking about how it's a "whole new world." They unfortunately don't burst into the chorus of "A Whole New World." Why, you may be asking yourself? Oh, because Aladdin wasn't even fucking released until almost 10 months after this episode aired.  Hi, I'm Ancient.

Brandon asks, "Who'd have thought AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman would be leading the next sexual revolution?" and then Brenda's all, "Whoever would've thought that Donna Martin would be leading the next sexual revolution?" And then they give each other looks like they just smelled something funky, which was actually probably the stench left in the air after this horrible, misogynistic-tainted scene.  More importantly: why is Brenda wearing a vest that she fashioned out of a Southwestern-print doormat that she must've had Steve pick up for her in Albuquerque?


Exterior, West Bev.


Brandon and Steve, walking down the hall, Brandon making some sweeping motion with his hand because I don't know why.


David catches up to them and says, "So, guys, about last night, uh, pretty big meeting." Steve tells him he should've been there and Brandon says that Mel, "really got into it." David doesn't care about his father (just like the rest of humanity), however; he's more interested in his girlfriend saying the word "condom" and other her Woodrow-inducing commentary.  He starts, "I heard Donna was really..." and then Steve gets right in his face and finishes his sentence with a "Persuasive?" all Breathless Ma-bro-ney, and it was just about enough to make my appendix burst.  And I had my appendix removed 13 years ago.  So what Steve just did here was cause my appendix to re-grow, inflame itself with mucus and pus, and then be on the verge of rupturing, thereby throwing my body into sepsis.  Which actually sounds like an all-expenses paid vacation in Oahu compared to what we just had to witness, so whatever.


David asks these fucking losers if he should, as Steve calls it, "make a move," and admits that the thought has crossed his mind.  Steve is a filthy liar who's going to rot in hell because he says, "Well, here's a shocker: I bet it's crossed hers, too." Steve, you weave quite the yarn.


Steve and Brandon turn to walk away, but because David is the T1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and he just.  Wont't.  DIE.  he follows them.  He asks if they really think the vote on the condom program is going to go through and Brandon's all, "AHHHHHHHNdrea thinks it's a shoo-in." Yeah, well, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea also "thinks" you're a catch, so AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's wrong about a lot of things.  Brandon's not sure that it will pass, given that the Parents' Association only okay'ed it by a couple of votes.


They approach a crowd of people and as Brandon goes to find out what's up, David and Steve hang back, David getting romantic in Steve's ear with, "But how soon do you think before we get some?" Jesus.  Go to Rite Aid, man.


Brandon makes his way through the gathering to Griffin, who informs him, "AHHHHHHHNdrea's being interviewed for the news."


Through the window of the door to The Blaze whatever, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea appears to be behaving like just as much of a chore as she always is, this time with a boom mic above her head.  Griffin adds that the news got wind of the upcoming Board vote and, "Now we're national news." You're not anything, besides a fucking irritant.


As some guy opens the door and walks into the room, we can momentarily hear AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's tired rhetoric: "Because otherwise, we are gonna inherit the society that pays the price for this generation's failure to act." I really hope the camera's getting a full-body shot which accentuates the 15 camel toes AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's currently sporting.


Mrs. T wends her way through the crowd, made all the easier by employing some more of her SHOULDER PADS, taps Brandon on the shoulder and asks to have a word with him.


Back to this.  Donna appears and David pulls her in for a peck on the cheek.  He asks if Felice was hard on her after the Parents' Association meeting, and Donna jokes that Felice disowned her.  If your mother disowned you, it's because she went to a fortuneteller and looked into their crystal ball and saw all of your future boyfriends (mostly Ray "One T" Pruit) and she was all, "I'm out."  I mean, can you blame her?


No you cannot.

Donna tells him that she advised her mom that "sometimes you just have to take a stand, ya know what I'm sayin'?" and David's all, "Absolutely," and I'm pretty certain Donna's feeling a tiny poking device on her upper thigh right about now.  More importantly: why is David dressed so similarly to a late-'80s Ellen Degeneres?

To these two.  Mrs. T is none too pleased with that fucking virgin AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "Of course she's entitled to speak her own mind, but being interviewed on campus without clearing it first puts me in a very awkward position.  And now she's insisting that The Blaze do its own sex survey, and all sorts of unrealistic demands." How AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea doesn't get a beat down at school every day is beyond me.  Brandon reminds her that AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is the least fun person ever and everyone hates her and that she should really be bound, gagged and put out to sea on a the raft from Cast Away really passionate about "the issues."  Mrs. T warns that she needs to tone down the passion so that she doesn't jeopardize her position as editor of The New York Times.  Oh, I'm sorry.  Did I say The New York Times? I mean The FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER The Blaze.

Brandon assures that he'll talk to AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, and I *might* feel sorry for him here, because who would want to talk to AHHHHHHHNdrea about anything?

Horribly racist ching-chong ching-chong music takes us over to the exterior of this sushi restaurant.

Inside, Jackie, Mel, Kelly and David are seated at a table, and Mel's saying, "I hear that AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman was interviewed on the news today." Kelly asks, "Can we please talk about some other subject?" Come on, Kel.  It probably gets Mel's sexually deviant rocks off to talk about fornication with his girlfriend's daughter.  Let them man have his degenerative fun.

Here, Jackie interjects with, "Would you smell this?" and shoves a plate of food in Mel's face.  Kelly continues, "All I've been hearing about for days is AHHHHHHHNdrea Zuckerman and her mighty condom crusade." Mel tells Jackie that it smells fine  Jackie passes the plate back to the waitress that's been milling about and tells her, "I'll just have tea," and to the others, "My stomach is really on the fritz." DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

Kelly: "I mean, this whole condom thing is already such old news." Mel, wanting to keep the inappropriate conversation going: "Well, believe it or not, some people haven't gotten the message yet." Kelly says that Jackie was talking to her about bjs, hjs, rusty trombones, bukkakes, ass-to-mouth, felching, etc., etc. before Kelly even got her period.  I wouldn't necessarily use this:

As the beacon of good parenting.

Anyway, David coughs at the word "period" because he's totally ready to stick his penis in the thing that periods come out of.  Jackie says, "With a wild child like you, I figured we were better safe than sorry.  But how many kids your age are emotionally ready to be involved in a sexual relationship?"

Mel says, "It's so much easier with a boy.  You just give 'em a copy of Playboy and say, 'Good luck.'" Okay.  Number 1: Mel is repulsive.  Number 2: MAN, Michael Laurence's mullet is a fucking force to be reckoned with.  I wonder if it ever got into onset scuffles with Ian Ziering's beast.

David's all embarrassed.  No, not about his clothes or his hair or his repugnant personality; but rather, the fact that that's how Mel's portraying his teachings of the birds and the bees.  Mel tells his son, "I'm just kidding.  They know I was kidding." Right.  And it wasn't Playboy.  It was taking David down to Tijuana to watch a couple dozen donkey shows.

Jackie says that it's not even about birth control, it's about disease prevention and that, "It's a completely different world than when we were young." Mel adds, "In our day we had to walk ten miles through the snow just to get to a love-in." I told you the guy was a fan of group sex.

Kelly says that she's probably in the minority, but she doesn't believe that condoms have a place in the school, and, agreeing with Jackie, that most people her age aren't mature enough to deal with sex anyway, but that all the boys are obsessed with it.  Which sounds about right.  Mel doesn't think they're that bad, and Kelly's all, "Yes! They are.  David, tell them...these days, isn't just everyone totally preoccupied with sex?"

David: "Uh...not that I've noticed."

Immediate cut to David and Steve, coming up a staircase at West Bev.  David's droning on about buying condoms at a drugstore where the clerk was shouting out the prices, because David apparently fell into a classic episode of The Golden Girls.  Steve, of all people, tells David to get to the point.  When Steve Mother-fucking Sanders is telling you to move it along, you know you've got problems.

David whips out a donut shop bag FULL of condoms, apparently, seeing as Steve looks inside of it and asks, "What'd ya get, one of each?" David tells Steve to take some, but Steve says, "No thanks," and looks off into the distance at...

...Kelly, walking quickly somewhere.  Steve sure likes to gaze off into the distance and stare at Kelly a lot.

David asks, "You don't need any?" like he's all surprised that Studly Steve doesn't need a rubber, what, with all the coitus he has on a daily basis.  Steve responds, "No.  Not at the moment," all Nostalgic Sad Clown.

Brandon, Donna and Dylan stand talking to one another as Kelly rushes up: "Brandon, I don't know what you people from The Blaze are trying to accomplish, but I would appreciate it if you'd leave me out of it." Brandon asks what's the big and Kelly tells him, "The personal journals!" He says that her name just came up, and he informs the other two that, "AHHHHHHNdrea's tryin' to round up some people to write about some personal experiences, that's all." Kelly corrects, "Some personal sexual experiences.  For the school newspaper, of all things.  I'd rather die!" Christ, AHHHHHHHHHNdrea's disgusting.

Donna agrees that she wouldn't want to be a part of something like that, either, and Dylan surfily concurs: "Yeah, man, that goes for me, too, bro.  Scratch my name off that list."

Poor Brandon.  All he can say is, "Yeah, I hear ya." He also says that he'll talk to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea about her blatant disregard for other people's privacy, but Kelly states the obvious: "AHHHHHHHHNDrea Zuckerman doesn't always take no for an answer," and she mentions that, "Now she actually wants us to go and hand out condoms on the street."  Brandon's all, "Whuh?"

He walks into The Blaze whatever: "Excuse me, when did we start giving out condoms?"

Griffin answers, "No, not condoms.  Just these informational packets they sent over." Brandon asks who sent them over, and Griffin tells hims that his psychologist uncle who's affiliated with a West Hollywood theater group that does shows about safer sex and has question-and-answer periods after said shows and after that they hand out the packets to people who request them.  So, him.  He sent them over.

Brandon gets his back up a bit and asks, "Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm still on the editorial board of this paper.  I shoulda been consulted about this, shouldn't I?" Instead of AHHHHHHHNdrea answering, fuck-face Griffin responds: "We had to make a decision." SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Just, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  This guy just won't shut up and I can't take it anymore.  Shhh.

Because Brandon feels the same way I do, he drags AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea out into the hall to talk: "Why are you so obsessed about this? You told me the School Board's gonna vote three to two in favor of your proposal." AHHHHHHHNdrea ABSURDLY tells him, "My sources [AS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFdefinitely think they're gonna postpone the vote; if they do, this gives us something to bargain with."

Brandon insists that he should've been consulted, rather than Griffin continuing his Single White Male-ing of him, Brandon, and making the decision alongside her.  She tells Brandon that he's never around anymore and he reminds her that he has other responsibilities, like his job at the coal mine Peach Pit.  She says, "This thing has momentum, it has got a life of its own."

AND THEN: "Maybe you should get a life of your own before it's too late." OOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  But for real, that was awesome.

AHHHHHHHNdrea doesn't think so: "Excuse me?"

He starts to walk away but then turns back to her: "Ya know, sometimes you get so caught up in your quest to save the world, you don't see that you're alienating people." AHHHHHHHHHNdrea asks who she's alienating and I say, "Everyone you've ever come into contact with.  Up to and including the doctor who pulled you out of your mother's womb." He says, "Just trust me on this, okay? The only people who ever respond to these in-your-face tactics are already on your side." Props to Brandon for not throwing Kelly and the others under the bus.

Cripes.  As usual, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea completely misses the point: "I know what this is about - you're jealous! You can't stand it that John Griffin got on t.v. and you didn't.  And now you resent me because I'm in the spotlight." This bitch cray.

Brandon has an appropriately appalled reaction, and he somehow manages not to pants AHHHHHHHHHNdrea, throw her to the ground and then kick dirty kitty litter all over her while she's down.  He does say, however, "You got it all figured out, huh? You got me all figured out - everything in the world is black and white, cut and dry.  Well, let me tell you somethin': it isn't.  Not with me, and not with an issue like having condoms in school!"

They start walking back from where they came, her insisting, "I'm sorry, you're wrong.  The statistics are black and white.  There are proven facts, people just don't wanna admit it." He tells her that she doesn't want to admit that she doesn't know much about "the other part of it." She doesn't understand what he's saying and asks, "What, pray tell, is that?" The fucking.  He means the fucking, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea.

However, he's slightly more delicate about it: "The feelings! The sex! AHHHHHNdrea, if you had a little more experience you'd know that love is not a public health issue." Translation: "You're a virgin who can't drive." That quote works on so many levels.

AHHHHHHHHNdrea gets this pus on and looks like she was just kicked in the stomach, which is what Brandon should've also done, just as the icing, ya know? and she tells him, "Thanks for bringing that to my attention." And then takes her crunchy hair and goes to flounce back into the classroom as Brandon calls after her, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea..." LET HER GO.  SHE SUCKS SO HARD.

As she slams into the door to open it, she boo-hoos, "Thanks a lot," all teary-voiced.  I mean, it's all true.  So whatever.  Good scene, though.  Mostly because AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea needed to hear what a burden she is.

Courtyard, West Bev.

Brandon and Brenda walk through, talking about what a loser AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is.  But really, Brenda's trying to explain why what Brandon said to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea so offended her: "Just mentioning it probably set off all those scared feelings.  You know, I'll be a virgin forever, there must be something wrong with me." I mean...in relation to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, that last part's pretty accurate.  Brenda then offers to talk to her for Brandon, but he declines, saying, "No, I gotta clean up my own messes."

Dylan arrives just then with a, "Yeah, well, you better take a big shovel."

And then this.  I don't have anything left to say re the inappropriateness of this fucking mess.  I'll just assume that everyone reading this is stepping away from their computers at this time to go bathe themselves in drain cleaner and scrub their faces off with a canister of Lysol Disinfecting Wipes.  On a non-weirdly-incestual note: Luke Perry and Shannen Doherty have AH-MAY-ZING chemistry.

Brenda and Dylan are off then, Brandon calling after them, "You're gonna desert me in my hour of need?" Brenda, having left her fucks behind while she was tongue-bathing her boyfriend in front of her brother, tells him, "We'll send you a postcard."

Serious Synth kicks in as we head inside the school, where these two are once again giggling and cooing it up with one another.


And here's AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, come to suck the happiness out of the scene, per usual.  She walks by them all lemon-faced, clutching her Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper with Rainbow Angel Kitten to her chest as she goes.

Sigh.  This guy.  He meets up with her, saying he's worried about the Board meeting and that Felice is on the agenda whatever whatever whatever.  AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, sounding exhausted, or, i.e. how everyone sounds when they're talking to her, says, " It's okay.  We have the facts and votes on our side." Because he really wants to get his hands on all her camel toes, he eagerly suggests that they get to the meeting early to get good seats...


...and then, as they enter The Blaze office, asks to pick her up at her grandma's house on the way.  But because AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea seems to be as irritated by Griffin as everyone else in the world is with her, she exasperatedly tells him that they can just meet there.


He then pulls out their "first true confession" for the personal journals that are being printed in the "special edition" of the paper.  The Goddamn Blaze and their goddamn "special editions." Anyhow, he reads her the title, "'Okay...So I'm A Virgin.'" Oh, and also, SPOILER ALERT we soon find out that he's the author of this riveting think-piece.


As you can imagine, given that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea is the original 40-year-old-posing-as-a-17-year-old virgin, her giant granny panties get all bunched up and she flees the rooms with, "I gotta go."


She heads down the hall and spots...


...these two buffoons, doing buffoon-like things by Steve's locker.


She, in turn, makes a beeline into the ladies'...


...which Brandon and Steve witness, pretty certain that the stick up her ass has probably come loose and she needs a moment to re-lodge it.


Inside the bathroom, Brenda is flossing and Kelly is applying makeup.  They greet AHHHHHHHHNdrea and Kelly dives right into denying AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's request for her "personal confession": "Before you say a word, I'm not writing anything for the paper." AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea says that Brandon already informed her of that, "Loud and clear," and Kelly has the audacity to add, "There's a fine line between informative and sleazy." Oh, that's rich coming from this low-rent hussy.


Brenda seems to agree because she sarcastically asks, "And exactly where is that line, Kelly?" Kelly cocks an eyebrow but knows that her cunt-game will never reach the level of Brenda's, and says, "Well, you know what they say - 'I can't tell you, but I know when I see it.'" Sit down, trash.


Kelly's bottom-tier ass leaves, and Brenda informs AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea that she's still writing her piece for the paper and that it won't be sleazy.


AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who looks particularly 41 here, says, "I'm sure it'll be fine.  There's just a lot going on and I'll be glad when it's over." Brenda says that they'll celebrate after the Board votes later that night.


AHHHHHHHHHNdrea eventually exits the bathroom and finds Brandon, who's been looming around the door like a real creep.  He asks, "Avoiding anyone in particular?" She tells him, "Excuse me.  I don't wanna get in anyone's face and alienate them," even though she's always in someone's face about something.  And so is Brandon, for that matter.  So they're both assholes, the end.


But not really.  He tells her that he really respects what she's been doing and then admits that he'd like to take back calling her a desperate, hard-up virgin (I'm paraphrasing) the day before.  He also lets her know that he has to work so he won't be at the Board meeting, which is shaping up to be the social event of the fucking season, apparently.  And then he apologizes for hurting her feelings and it's all very nice and genuine...


...but of course that's not good enough for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, who'd rather he grovel and plead and make a big stink about receiving her forgiveness, so she huffs, "You know, it was bad enough being reminded how 'inexperienced' I am.  But hearing you apologize for it...it's even worse."


And then she and her shitty hair snoot away, and Brandon should really count his blessings.


So, finally, the Board meeting.  Some lady on the Board is calling out names for their votes, and we hear two "nays." Also, there is like a MONDO crowd, which includes the Walshes sans Brandon.

Brenda leans up to talk to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea: "That's two nays." Griffin, wearing his Jim Walsh For The Gap v-neck sweater, can't EVER STOP TALKING and assures, "It's okay, I think the rest are with us."


Shot of Felice in the crowd, looking smug, because why wouldn't she look smug? She's Felice.


Griffin: "The next one's Manners.  She seconded the motion! We're in!"

"Manners" being Sheila (Not Silver) from earlier in the episode.  Oh! But Wait!

Ahh, snap.

There's applause and murmuring, AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea looking defeated and Jim and Cindy looking at Brenda, all confused-like.

Felice, however, looks elated, mostly because she's Felice.  She also mouths "Thank you," in the direction of Sheila Manners.  Ooo, behind-the-scenes shenanigans!

Next day? at school.  Most of The Gang comes down this staircase we rarely see.  Brenda expounds for everyone, "The vote had nothing to do with the issues.  Sheila Manners and Donna's mom are best friends." Brandon counters, "I don't know...maybe she really believes what she was sayin', that handing out condoms could encourage casual sex.


Griffin (whose Canadian Tuxedo is fly as fuck and probably making Jason Priestley shed a tear for his Mother Land) counters, "Which is like saying seat belts might encourage people to drive cars." And then Steve makes a feeble "joke" about getting seat belts from David because Steve is fucking useless.


They talk about protesting the Board and not rolling over and playing dead and Donna says they should hand out the informational packets from Griffin's uncle like it's some fresh idea she just came up with all on her own.

Everyone goes along with it and they're all psyched up about approaching strangers to talk about intercourse with them.  Brandon asks what AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea thinks...

...but since AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea's still in the midst of her woe-is-me-feel-bad-for-me-LOOK-AT-ME-FEEL-SORRY-FOR-ME mood, she Sad Sacks, "I don't know.  Why don't you guys coordinate it with John?" And the she walks off and why no one ever starts The Wave or the Arsenio Hall Arm Pump whenever she exits a conversation is beyond me.


Steve looks after her all, "She's taking this hard." Brenda says, "What she felt was important was having a forum to discuss the issues.  Now just because there's no vote pending doesn't mean that we have to stop making ourselves be heard in a mature and dignified way."

And we cut over here, to David's face, and him asking, "So what kind of I.D. do you need to rent a hotel room?"


Pan back and we see that he's asking this of Dylan, and the two of them are seated at the Peach Pit counter.  Also, I can totally field this question: you don't need an I.D., David! Any human between the ages of 10 and 100 can get a hotel room to fuck their girlfriends in Beverly Hills, no questions asked!

David continues: "I mean, you can't just seduce a girl in her own car, can you?" I mean.  That's funny, okay? I admit it.


Dylan asks, "Do I look like Ann Landers?" Brandon passes by and says, "No, more like Dr. Ruth." Also: Dr. Ruth is still alive! That really surprised me.


David says that the only reason he's asking Dylan is because "Donna told me that you and Brenda rented one at the prom last year." And then Dylan is not pleased and demands, "She told you that?"


David senses that he's overstepped his boundaries and adds, "It was a small detail that'll never, ever pass these lips.  Why, look, I forgot about it already." As he says this, Dylan kind of looks around for...? I mean, he practically gives Brenda oral in front of Brandon all the time, so who cares if her brother knows they got a hotel room?


As he takes his leave Dylan says, "It's a good thing," and then calls across the restaurant to Brandon, "Hobson! I'm bailin'." Please stop.


To the H.O.W.  The doorbell rings, Cindy calls out that Dylan has arrived, Brenda calls back, "Send him up!"


She's sitting on her bed with a notebook, which she tosses aside and then gets up to fix her hair in the mirror.
  
Dylan appears in the doorway, asking, "Whatcha doin'?" 

She says that she was waiting for him and then this happens and it's a lot less revolting when Brandon's not beating off to it in near proximity.

He asks if that means that she's ready to go and she says that now he has to wait for her.  As she stands at the bathroom mirror, Dylan picks up the notebook she tossed aside before and asks, "What's this, Bren?"


She comes back into the room and says, "Oh, it's for The Blaze, the special edition, of which they have at least 17 each school year."  Dylan reads, frowns and says, "Like hell it is!" and then he quotes from it: "'As often as you read about girls who become pregnant unintentionally, you cannot imagine the feelings until you believe you are in the situation yourself.' You were gonna print that?"

She tells him that she is going to print it, which is clearly the wrong answer:

He gives her this life motto, and she says that what she wrote is nothing that's embarrassing or untrue, and he says that it's "very personal to me and you are not gonna print it," as he rips the page out of the book.


She says that she can just rewrite it and as he starts to storm out of the room he adds, "I wish you'd forget it." She asks if he's leaving, the answer to which I think is pretty clear.


"Dylan! Wait!" Synth Drums.  BUSINESS.


Dylan throws open the front door, stomps out, and then CHUCKS the crumpled piece of paper into the yard.  I've always loved this.  Because my life is very small.


Brenda, having chased him down: "Dylan, wait! Please come inside.  I was only writing that piece because I think there's a need for it.  I was scared to death when I thought I was pregnant.  It would've helped me so much to have known that there was someone else out there our age who had been through it."


He sneers, "You wrote about something very personal that I was involved in for the whole school to read.  You didn't even ask me how I felt!" She apologizes and he adds, "You have good intentions, Bren, but right now, I need to keep my private life very, very private." Why right now? Why not always? And does this have to do with Jack? His millions? Iris living in a tree house on top of a pineapple mountain? What?


Brenda: "I was writing about me, about my feelings." Dylan: "They're gonna know who the guy is, Bren.  How many boyfriends have you had at West Beverly?" The Reconciliation Piano starts up and she answers, "One...and I'd like to keep it that way." And then she tells him to get his ass back inside the house and to stop making scenes for the neighbors and that she's also pretty sure her parents heard all of this melodramatic messiness.

Dylan follows.

Here.


Brenda and Dylan.  They're being all love-dove and adorable with one another after their blow-up the night before.  Dylan smells her hair and asks if she's wearing the perfume he gave her.


And then everything goes all to hell when this mutant shows up.  Brenda's smart and gets the fuck out of there with a, "I'm gonna go talk to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea," although, the alternative she's chosen is not much better.


David thanks Dylan for the advice: "It wasn't so much what you said, it was the way you didn't say it...see, it really got me thinking.  It's all a question of timing.  Like the song said, 'You can't hurry love.' So, we just gotta hang tight and wait for the right moment to come along.  Or until I get my license." Oh, Jesus.


And now here's Donna, announcing, "My parents left for Aspen, so we can watch the MTV special at my house."

Gross.

"Hi, Dylan.  Bye, Dylan." Her hair is so weird and so is that squiggly arrow she's got going around the lapel of her jacket, which has "Lisa Turtle" written all over it.

This Bitchin' Ghee-tar starts up as Donna leaves and David morphs into Smug David and he tells Dylan, "Timing's everything."


Dylan looks at David like we all look at David.


To The Blaze.  AHHHHHHHHNdrea's getting as much mileage out of her Poor Virgin Me routine as possible, so she sits here, sour...


...while over here, we have Griffin instructing a group (which includes Brandon, Steve and Kelly) on passing out fliers about Doing It Safely.


Brenda walks in to talk to AHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, telling her she's not going to be contributing her personal confession to the special edition, and when she attempts to explain further, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea insists it's all right: "You don't need to explain...okay? I mean, I'm not even sure I'm going through with it anymore." Meaning the "special edition"? Or your personal confession about how you're a giant off-putting virgin loser? Please clarify.

Griffin asks if there are any questions and it seems Kelly's had enough: "I can't do this.  I can't walk up to a total stranger and hand them an information packet about sex." Sorry, but I'm with Kelly.  I don't want to talk to people, period, much less about Doing The Nasty.


Brandon insists that it's a good deed, but Kelly only looks at Brenda and asks, "Doesn't anyone want to go shopping instead? That's a good deed.  It's helping the economy." Brenda says, "Why don't we stick with AIDS education today and retail tomorrow?" But Kelly's done: "Sorry, guys.  Count me out."

Here's Dylan; Brandon hands him "a little light reading" and then everyone starts to head out, Steve saying, "I thought there'd be some dirty pictures in there," as he goes.  Oh, (that fucking raging moron) Steve!


AHHHHHHHHNdrea, continuing to be a cunt, stands there all cunty.  Griffin approaches and prompts her to go, but she gets pissy with him and basically tells him to fuck off.  I mean, this guy should always be told to fuck off.  But she doesn't have to be such a snatch about it.


So as Griffin sort of slinks out with his tail between his legs, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea walks behind a desk and looks over at Brandon, who stuck around so that he could endure some more icy-cold passive-aggressiveness from this albatross.


He tells her, "Stomp on my foot, give me a face rake, an eye gouge, somethin', I don't know, just stop makin' me feel so guilty, okay?" I mean, I can help with that.  Maybe not after this episode, because I actually liked Brandon in this one.  But perhaps the next time he pisses me off, I'll use this "face rake" he makes mention of.


Ugh: "Let me just clarify something for you.  I'm the one whose feelings were hurt here." Which gives her the right to lord it over him forever and ever and ever, I guess.


So then they're good again, unfortunately, but she's still going to pass on going with the group: "I'm tired and I'm a little burned out, and if I never hear the word 'condom' again, it will be too soon." Don't worry - you probably won't be hearing the word "condom" for a very, very long time.  Because no one will ever want to have sex to you.  Except for some highly questionable old dudes once you hit university.


Brandon exits; Kelly enters.  


She notices AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea Sad Sack Sighing all over the desk and asks, "What's the matter? Why didn't you go with them?"

This fucking nuisance: "I couldn't be that much of a hypocrite.  I mean, who am I to try to educate about safer sex when I've never..." Been laid? Yeah, we get it.


Kelly insists that she's better off, which is probably pretty true in high school.  But AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea isn't ready for her pity party to be over quite yet, and she whines, "Easy for you to say.  You could have any guy you want." Kelly says that she can't and when AHHHHHHHHHNdrea asks her to name one, Kelly answers, "Brandon Walsh."


The Piano Of Understanding comes in and, OF COURSE, Kelly's revelation thrills AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea to no end.  Kelly explains that it was at the spring dance and that he told her he thinks of her as a sister.  AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea kind of chuckles but you can tell she's executing a series of mental cartwheels as confetti pours down around her.


Kelly, nicely, inquires, "You're still really stuck on him, aren't you?" We, the viewing audience, scream, "YES, YES, AND IT'S SO, SO TIRESOME AT THIS POINT PLEASE MOVE ON WRITERS." AHHHHHHHHHNdrea admits that she is and asks, "Why is that?" Kelly explains that it's because "we always want what we can't have," and AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, missing the point entirely, says, "Well, at least you've had something."

AND NOW IT IS ON: "Wait just a second.  When I was a freshman, I threw myself at a senior who pushed me into a bush and never talked to me again.  For the next year and a half I spent all my time trying to live up to that reputation.  And now, even though I've changed, I never know whether a guy asked me out because he likes me, or because he thinks I'm easy."


AHHHHHHHHNdrea has the decency to not be so goddamn self-involved for a moment and tells her, "I'm sorry, that's terrible." Except that this isn't your first time hearing this god-awful story, hunty.


"So don't sit here feeling sorry for yourself.  You're not missing out on anything you can't do later on." SING IT SISTER. "Me? I can never go back and erase the fact that I slept with Steve.  Steve! Can you believe that shit???."

Cut to: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea coming down the staircase we rarely see.  She spots...

...Griffin talking to some people, and the girl is wearing a floral bomber jacket that I absolutely owned in the 7th grade.

She asks why he didn't go with the group after she acted like a real asshole to him, and he says, "I guess I just don't feel like part of the gang." Well, that's because you're not.  AHHHHHHHHHNdrea asks, "Is it Brandon?" because she's still holding a grudge and wants to do some mad smack-talking on the guy. Griffin says, "No, I like Brandon.  Everybody does. [Ahem.] It's just the little comments here and there, the in-jokes.  Without you I guess I just feel like an outsider, ya know?" AHHHHHHHHNdrea's all, "I sure do." Oh, woe is you, bitch.


And now here's where we find out it was Griffin who wrote that puke-titled confession from earlier: "It's like what I wrote in that essay: 'Just because you have four hooves, doesn't mean you have to follow the herd.'" WHAT IN THE FUCK.  Dope writing skillz, bro.


AHHHHHHHHHHHNdrea, rubbing it in real good: "Is that the one about feeling like the last virgin on Earth?" He confirms that it's the very same and since they're both stupid virgins, it's clear that they're MFEO and now they can be the most unappealing couple in the history of man.  Except not because following this scene right here, We Never See Him Again.  And I'm not even mad about it.


Martin Manor! Is this our first time seeing it? I guess there was a different exterior for it in Season 1, which we saw in "B.Y.O.B."  But this is classic Martin Manor right here.


Inside, David's sitting on the couch watching t.v. and violating the room with his "funky" "fresh" "dance" "moves."


Donna announces their pizza's arrival...


...and as David futzes with some cash to pay her back with...


...A CONDOM! falls out of it and lands next to the box.


They sit down to eat, Donna sees it, picks it up and asks, "What's this?"


David, slick as always: "Uh...I have other kinds if you don't like that one."


She's all, "Oh, you're such a kidder," and goes back to dealing with the pizza.  Because pizza is a far better option than any penetrative what-have-you with David.


Which is proven as he starts mauling her face and neck with his mouth and, after she offers him a slice, says, "Maybe we should work up an appetite first," and then closes his mouth around hers and pushes her down on the couch.  I think it's pretty obvious where these moves came from, MEL.


Donna comes back up for air, saying, "Wait.  I'm beginning to think you aren't kidding about..." and David interrupts, "Why would I be kidding? It's like you said, 'if you're in the pool, you gotta swim.'" One of my favorite Donna-lines: "Wait a second.  I'm over here on the chaise lounge." Since watching this episode in 1992, and for the remainder of time, whenever I'm faced with a chaise lounge, I will think of Donna saying these words.  Why? I have no fucking clue.


So then she musters up some Real-Real Talk: "I don't intend to sleep with you."


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


After David says, "Oh, oh, oh, it's too soon.  I can see that," she's all, "No.  I'm not gonna do that.  With anybody." He asks, "You mean ever?" But she clarifies, "Well, with my husband, of course.  I mean, I'm not entering a convent or anything, for God's sake," and thus begins the Donna Is A Virgin Who Won't Fuck 'Til Marriage And We Will Shove It Down Your Throat At Every Chance We Get story line.  It will come to a merciful conclusion at the end of Season 7, when she pre-maritally (gasp!) gets her hymen disrupted by, sadly, this very guy.  Although she's also really horrible by that point so who cares? Her genitals will completely deserve his genitals.


ANYway, she tells him that while she totally stands by what she said at the Parents' Meeting, "Right now, for me, life is complicated enough without getting involved in a sexual relationship." And THEN! she's all, "I hope you're not too upset." Even if he was, WHO CARES.  It's your goddamn decision! 


But he's not upset (oh, thank GOD), but actually relieved.  Because I assume he knows that he will be just terrible at the sexy times.


Immediate cut to Kelly's tacky-ass bedroom.  She's sitting on her bed, talking on the phone.  Jackie enters, looking coked freaked out.  Kelly says into the receiver, "Bren, I gotta go, my mom just walked in.  Okay, bye," and then after hanging up, to Jackie, "Helloooo, what'd you want to talk to me about?"


Jackie: "I want you to promise me that you will never, ever have unprotected sex.  Not even once!"


Kelly: "What are you talking about? What is the matter?"


Jackie: "I'm pregnant."


↑↑↑↑↑↑↑
Kelly and every single one of us, knowing that Jackie's currently toting around The Spawn Of Mel Silver inside of her.  Fin.

Join me back here next time for all of the wacky, revolting high jinks that ensue when everyone and no one is/are attempting to keep the news of Jackie's fertilization from everyone and no one.  It's like the early-'90 version of "Who's on First?"   Also: Dylan looks at Cindy like this after seeing her in her Fancy Valentine's Day Outfit:


Rightfully so, given that Cindy looks smokin' hot:

And Jim's all worried, as he should be, because immediately following this encounter, Cindy and Dylan run away together and the end.

All images courtesy of the author's Mad Microsoft Paint Skillzzz or her boyfriend's far superior Photoshop skills; .gif of Donna being flung down the stairs by everyone's least favorite pumpkin patch worker from mtv.com.

If you don't follow me on social media, I don't blame you.  Also: I hate the term "social media." But if you're feeling particularly charitable, you can follow me on Instagram or Twitter.

3 comments:

  1. I love this blog so much I want to take in the back alley and get it pregnant. Or use a condom and not get it pregnant...

    What is a squeef? Also, what is SHDH? The internets tells me it's Super Happy DevHouse which is some kind of hackers convention. That doesn't make sense. Otherwise...Stichting Hervormde Diakonale Huize?

    As school board lady and Ms. T show us, you can't be taken seriously as an African American woman in Beverly Hills unless you have really big shoulder pads.

    The first season of Charles in Charge reminds me of the first season of Saved by the Bell--both have basically nothing to do with the remaining seasons. The cast changed almost entirely between seasons 1 and 2, and in SBTB's case, the location did as well. That's a piece of worthless trivia.

    Cindy is a total MILF. That side upsweep she rocks at the parents' meeting at HOW is gorg.

    Speaking of HOW, what on God's green earth is that painting sharing the screengrab with AHHHHHHHHHHNdrea? It looks like a 4-year-old painted it and it's really creepy.

    Mel is a real big spender, taking the fam to a Korean sushi joint. No wonder Jackie felt ill. Don't get me wrong, I love those two things separately. But if I'm getting sushi, it should be somewhere Japanese. If I'm getting bulgogi, it should be somewhere Korean. /EndAsianFusionCuisineRant.

    What is the difference between a Canadian and a Texas tuexedo?

    Does Brenda have a weird headshot of her brother in her room? That makes me want to die a lot.

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    Replies
    1. Not sure on the exact definition of "squeef"; however, I feel that whatever it means, it's the perfect way to describe Brandon. Also, "SHDH" was my way of trying to be "hip" and "with it," like all The Kids these days: Shaking Her Damn Head. I clearly failed. Miserably.

      Doesn't the picture with AHHHHHHHHNdrea also kind of look like Ron Swanson? I only just noticed that. Just me?

      I hadn't even THOUGHT of the fact that Mel took them for sushi at a Korean place. He's a class act, that one. (Also: what never had this "bulgogi" you speak of. It sounds...like something my picky-eating ass wouldn't like. Hi, I'm 7.)

      Per Urban Dictionary (i.e. Extremely Reliable Sources), a Texas Tuxedo often includes a bolo tie, cowboy boots and/or a cowboy hat; whereas a Canadian Tuxedo is merely a denim jacket paired with jeans.

      Re the Brandon Headshot, I actually just did a cut and paste job from the original screen-grab that that picture is shown, the one where Dylan and Brenda start making out.

      https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pWn8_ee_fYA/Vy-YXFm-6QI/AAAAAAAAOcc/kj7FUfuUZ7gzIstqHNOXnMP-rBK8Y02wwCLcB/s1600/fuckingdisgusting2.jpg

      Delete
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